The Game of Life

This morning the boys and I were playing the Game of Life. It's something they have just recently discovered after realizing that their favorite Kid Life game was also available as an adult version in our game cupboard. We set it all up and began going the rounds. I came upon the birth of twins and the boys thought it was really funny. Kaeden asked me "So, do you want a boy and girl, or would you rather just keep me and Jari?!" I jokingly said there was no way I'd pick both of them again as my kids so they better give me two girls. They refused and I ended up with one boy and one girl. But, as Kaeden was putting my kids in my car, next to each other on the seat, he suddenly changed his mind. "I think one better sit in the back so they won't fight!!" and my 'daughter' took up residence in the back, behind her brother! It hit me so funny, realizing they know just what's going on and how to fix the problem, relating it to our own family life. I wish it was so simple to fix probelms in real life. But nonetheless, we'll just keep doing our best.

So, The Game of Life. Is it really just a game or is it real life in miniature? And what's the difference between real life and the game, besides the fact that you can't HEAR my son and daughter screaming "HE TOUCHED MEEEEEEE!!" " No, HE POKED MEEEEEE FIIIIRRRSSSSSTTTT!" WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

What DO I Do Now?

I am getting ready to head to bed. It's nearly 2:30 in the morning and I was just shutting down my trusty computer friend when I noticed an email. The name staring back at me from my inbox was that of my sister-in-law. The one I have not spoken to in over a year and a half, the last time being a war on the Wyoming plains. This is my brother's wife. My niece and nephew's mother. Someone I not so very long ago considered my friend. And yet, during said war, some of the absolute most hurtful things were said and done which have allowed me to live in pain and sadness for the past year-and-a-half. Longer if you count the visits prior to said war. I was asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness. What does that mean, exactly? How, after so much time has passed convincing yourself that you can be okay without bitter people in your life, can one short email awaken nausea in the pit of your stomach? I am shaking. I am cold. I feel a sharpening pain behind my eyelids. My heart is doing some frantic double-beat which I don't understand. Forgiveness? How can I forgive when it is so much easier to despise? How can I forgive when I can't begin to forget the buckets of shed tears, the days of sitting before the porcelain throne, the hardness my heart has become? And yet, in the deepest me part of my soul, I want to forgive, I want to accept, I want to start again and find peace within myself. But how? Where do I begin? Can I ever truly forgive, or will I always find fault, be angry for the years that have been stolen from me, for the horrific words hurled my way and making me question everything that means the very most to me in the world, for words that stripped my children of their dignity and innocence. I am heading to bed. But you can bet that it will be another sleepless night stemming from the great war on the Wyoming plains. A sleepless night judging myself and my character and wondering if I can come to comprehend what forgiveness truly means.

Keno

Have you ever tried to play Bingo in a language in which all the numbers are spoken backwards? Well, that's where I will be tonight, doing my motherly duties during my son's annual Bingo Fundraiser. One year I actually won a grill. I was so nervous poking my hand in the air and calling out KENO! I was sure I had checked off a wrong number...such as 68 (in English) is 8 and 60. 42 is 2 and 40. 79 is 9 and 70. You get the idea...it gets very confusing and easy to make a mistake. I hope Kaeden wins tonight.. He is so geared up to bring home a prize. He's got his tickets in his pocket counting down the minutes until we can go. His face is etched in such concentration during the game and when he gets close you can nearly taste the tension in the air. I would be SO happy if he won!! And tonight, I'll have an outing with my first-born...he'll ask for money for drink tokens, I'll give it to him. During the break he will buy the traditional apricot appleflap, and we'll pick out 5 envelopes filled with numbers in hopes of winning a prize. And my son's face will shine in excitement even as mine is clenched in nervous wrinkles trying to find 8 and 50 (ahkt en vy-f-teeg) before the next number is called!

Dinosaur

Here he is, my lil Dinosaur all ready for Carnaval. He's not a big one for face painting so I was thrilled when he agreed to let me paint him up at lunch today...and the results? Well, he's a very cute dinosaur...but don't tell him I told ya so!!!

Carnaval is a celebration much like Mardi Gras in America. And there are lots of parades and celebrations in which the kids enjoy dressing up and being wild and getting time off school...and many adults binge drink and get wild, so basically, we're just setting our kids up for later on...or something?! Anyway, I always enjoy getting to be someone else for a day, and now I have Halloween adn Carnaval in which I can do so and fit right in. I can be anyone or anything and no one bats an eye...and I have a reason to celebrate with such little beasts as this one shown! Life is quite what you make of it...and in this case, we'll just call it magical!

Thankful Thursday

Lois at Life is Just A Stitch In Time is hosting Thankful Thursday this week. Go have a peek for all the reasons we all have to be thankful.

This week, I am thankful for medication. My son has ADHD and autism and I was one of those parents that was going to go without medicine. I didn't believe in putting my child on medicine for a condition he couldn't help. I didn't want his body to be filled with drugs that altered his mind status. However, that all changed when he was 7 years old and we I noticed how wired he was all the time, how he was failing in school, how he was no longer a happy little kid, but fighting with himself to be a good boy and just never able to succeed. Our psych recommended we just try ritalin, see how it goes, and we finally relented. After 2 hours on the drug, I knew it was necessary in order for my child to have some semblance of a normal life. He was able to quit jiggling wiggly all over the place, he was able to play a game or put together a block castle, he was able to listen and his eyes began to shine with childhood dreams again. Since giving him that first pill, I have become a believer that drug intervention CAN be a good thing. I do believe strongly that it needs to be closely watched, that alternative forms of therapy should be used, and that he needs to learn to live within his own body without relying on a drug. But, it really helps my son. It helps our family, and it helps my marriage. I am no longer a non-believer. If you have a condition that you need medicine in order to breathe (as Kaeden did as a baby, with hsi severe bouts of asthma), you take it to survive. And, if you have a condition which messes with your mind and creates a bunch of behaviors that you don't enjoy, you take medicine to assist you. Same thing, different purpose.

We are working with Kaeden's psych again to find a correct dosage and the correct drugs to try to once again get his ADHD and autism behaviors under control, so he can again have a happy, successful life. And it's hard figuring out the correct combinations, explaining to him why we're changing his schedule around, the cost of adding new meds. But, I am hopeful that we'll get this all resolved and our son will be free of the anger that stems from his mind not slowing down enough to properly work. That he'll once again, with the help of his medication, be able to find the sunshine that makes his eyes sparkle bright, his face break out in happiness, and his heart peaceful and filled with love. Today, I give thanks for medicine. It gives my son a chance be a kid.

**In other thanks, here's a link to an autism video which donates money each time it is watched. Please click on the link to help get funding for autism, maybe find a cure, but at least get these kids therapy and help that they need. This particular video really tells my feelings to a tee...but there are hundreds for you to watch. Thanks to each of you who support this cause.

http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com:80/videos/view/id/642766

Game Night

Tonight we were playing a new game as a family. It was Erwin and Jari's turn (they were playing as a team) and Jari was rolling the dice while Erwin made the big decisions. Here's the conversation that really hit my funny bone:
**Erwin waiting for Jari to resume play:

Erwin: Are you going to quit holding your penis and roll the dice?
Jari: But that feels good! (as his hands exit his pyjama bottoms and he clutches onto the dice while the rest of us laugh)

Oh, good Lord...what's a woman to do in a house full of guys...besides laugh...and get out the Clorox!!!

Unsettled

Things here are weird. My mind is all jumbled up with lotsa stuff. I am so forgetful and it makes me wonder if I have the early stages of dementia. Seriously. It kinda scares me. The past few years I have noticed myself becoming more and more forgetful. I used to be able to remember everything and nothing really bothered me. But now, I worry that I am losing my mind...and not in that funny, lighthearted sense either. It's been a struggle for me, and one I have been considering for some time, but haven't been able to express out of pure fear. But I figure, hey, what the heck, this is me, take me as I am, faults and all. I need to talk about this, as it's really driving me crazy. I am worried about myself.

I manage to forget the simplest of things. Sure, everyone forgets stuff once in awhile, but this forgetting I've been doing just seems a bit unnatural. Things like not being able to find my keys because I put them in the fridge. Not remembering an appointment even though I have looked at my calendar 5 times throughout the course of the day. Getting another cup of coffee even though I have just made one. Making Erwin's lunch even though he's reminded me that he has a lunch meeting that day. Forgetting Jari's swim gear for swimming even though I have just read his school agenda. Giving Kaeden a full lunch on Wednesday even though he always comes home for lunch on that day. Forgettting conversations that Erwin and I have had which he must completely repeat before I even have a glimpse of them taking place.

I try to keep it all organised by writing everything on my calendar. But even that has a way of getting all jumbled up. Sometimes, I think it's because I have so many little appointments to remember that I just have too much going on in my head. And sometimes, I attribute it to the state of my mental being, such as too much stress in my life to keep the simple things all at the forefront. Other times I wonder if I would start drinking more water if it comes from lack of being sufficiently hydrated. Or maybe if I would exercise more it would balance my mind better. Or if it comes from not having enough challenges to keep my mind working adequately, such as a job and social affairs. I really don't know if it's just one of the above, a combination of them all, or if something is truly medically the culprit.

What I do know is that I can't sleep well worrying about the state of my mental health. I get angry at myself and others quickly as a result of my forgetfulness. I find myself often in a state of tears because I have once again done something stupid due to my forgetting something important. I feel like my mind is failing me. And I am scared to discuss this with a doctor, as I am afraid they'll do tests and discover that I really do have the beginning stages of Alzheimers or something. It's a battle I fight within myself on a daily basis.

I'm not sure why I wanted to write about this today. Maybe because when I looked at my calendar I know that there are a few appointments missing that I need to try to remember so I can write them down before they are also forgotten adn I must make new ones. Or maybe because I am finally allowing myself to be realistic about the fact that this is a reality for me and I need to do something about it before it gets even worse. Whatever the cause, I need some help. I don't liek walking around worrying that there is something truly wrong, like I am a bit out of control and a bit psychotic. I just start to question myself and feel so much stupider than the woman I know that I am. And I want to feel whole again, like my mind is working with my body. I don't want to be the forgetful one.

Thankful Thursday

Julie at Another Chance Ranch is again hosting Thankful Thursday. So, what is it this week I am thankful for?

This week, my friend Sharon has the opportunity to see her dad. He is here visiting from Australia, traveling to take in a number of bird shows. Her dad has written books on birds and has made it his hobby in life. But, it has been more than 7 years since Sharon has seen her dad. And 7 years since she has even spoken to him. Her move to Europe caused a family riff, and when she was unable to return for her grandmother's funeral just a month after her arrival in Holland, her dad used that as his excuse to break all contact with her. They haven't spoken since.

A month ago, Sharon got an email from her dad. He was coming to Europe and would like to meet up. This week, she finally called her dad and made arrangements to meet up with him for drinks and a visit to the bird show with him. After 7 years, the flood gates are opening. Yes, those flood gates of emotion: excitement, fear, anger, sadness, happiness...you name it, the feeling is there. I have been trying to be supportive of my friend in this journey she is taking. She is more than willing to make a clean slate with her dad, get their relationship back on track. And he must be ready as well, to have taken the chance to let her know he is coming.

So, anyway, for today, I am thankful that they have this opportunity to make amends, make a fresh start, and get back on the right path in their relationship. Family is so very important. And this afternoon I will be accompanying her to meet up with her dad at the bird show. I will be there to support my friend. So, I am thankful for friendships as well. And for today, when I see them embrace in a hug releasing the pain of these past 7 years, that's going to be a real moment to be thankful for.

Oh, The Humor!

Today Jari had a birthday party to attend. Yesterday we spent getting ready for this event. We made a rocket together to present to his friend as his birthday gift. When I asked Jari if he wanted to go to the toy store to pick out a gift, he informed me we had already made one...and he was perfectly content with his rocket ship. But me, er, not so much. Although it was a fine rocket ship,it's carboard exterior covered in stickers and the word RAKET printed neatly on its side, colored paper fire coming out the bottom, I wondered what the other moms would think if that was the only gift we came bearing. So, I told Jari we could go for a bike ride, which just happened to come along the toy store. "Do you wanna go in and have a look?" I asked him. "Yeah. maybe I can buy something with my birthday certificates," he claimed with a grin! "Or maybe you'll see something Bert would like to have," I nonchalantly replied. "Then he could have TWO presents," Jari shouted in glee. So in we went and came out 40 minutes later with a playmobil figure and a set of cars to add to the beautiful rocket ship. And a promise that Jari could return to use his gift certificates to purchase the easel which he was dying to have and I could only hold him off by the fact it wouldn't fit on my bike.

When we got home, he tore apart the card drawer looking for the perfect birthday card. He found it when a lopsided Goofy stared back at him. "I'm gonna write Bert a joke for his birthday!" my son informed me. I got out the markers and let him go to work. "Do you ened any help writing your joke?" I asked? "No, I can already write that, mama!" So, I went back to cleaning up the kitchen while he sat patiently writing his joke. 20 minutes later, he came to me with a devilish, gap-toothed smile. Laughter was penetrating his knotted up shoulders and I couldn't wait to hear what he'd come up with. "Mama, this is SOOOO funny. You are gonna laugh SOOO hard," he told me, and continued to read me his joke.

A bird was in the tree, but the tree was broken.

He began laughing so hard I was afraid his insides would fall out. Real, deep, belly laughter that made tears stream from my own eyes as I laughed right along with him. And then I looked at his card which amde me only laugh 10 times harder. Here's what was written on the back of his card.

Een voochel was in de boom, +++++ (a few letters crossed out from a misspelled word)maar de boom was kapot.
(Een vogel was in de boom, maar de boom was kapot.)

Just seeing his sounded out to perfection spelling of the word vogel (bird) gave me a deep satisfaction. My little boy can read, he can write, and he is really very, very funny. My little boy, you make mama laugh, and even better, you make my heart swell with love. I absolutely loved sharing such a funny moment with you!

What A Day

I had plans with my girlfriends today. One friend picked me up and we headed to a central point where we all met up for lunch. I was looking forward to chatting girl talk and just hanging out. Which we did. But I wasn't exactly present today. I dunno what was on my mind, but I couldn't stay focused on the purpose of this get together. I kept catching little blurbs of the conversations taking place, but my mind was wandering...a lot. Even my favorite people-watching activity was a bit stunted. I saw the people walking by, but couldn't focus on their activities like I usually do. One friend brought her darling little boy, but he'd had enough of sitting quietly while we ate lunch. I didn't blame him. I just wasn't into it today like I normally am. But, her son, as darling as he is, is 2 1/2. He likes to run around and play. He likes to hear himself laugh, and after he finished his pancakes, he was totally through...and expected us to be as well. As he screamed and loudly complained, I watched my girlfriend start to stress and get fed up with her son's behavior. I could tell that she wasn't happily relaxing, but was at a point of not knowing what to do to quiet and calm her son. I tried to help by taking him for a walk and giving him something else to keep him busy, but that's when he decided he needed his momma. She is the light of his world. He trusts her, he knows he is safe with her, and he was having NONE of auntie Tera. So, as he screamed for momma running down the hall, I felt disappointed I couldn't release my girlfriend of her responsibilities for just 10 minutes. To let her gather her wits in silence while finishing up her cappuccino. It is so hard being a mom. Nothing about it is easy. We're on command 24/7. Our little people bring us a lot of sunshine, but they also make us feel like the worst parents on the planet. Everyone feels this, and my girlie mate was no exception. She broke down in the store stating that she's a bad mom. Which she isn't. I see her with her son and I see this happy and energetic 2 year old and I know that any child that happy knows he is loved, cared for, and special. How can we measure up to the perfection we expect of ourselves as moms? How can we see ourselves as the loving, caring women our children ultimately see us as?

We got home just in time to run Jari to the dentist. He had to have another tooth pulled. It was pure hell. As he screamed and cried in pain and panic, I looked into his terror, tear-filled eyes and felt nothing but guilt for allowing this to happen. I, too, was questioning myself as a mom. As I tried to assist the dentist in calming my son and holding his body still, my own eyes filled with tears. Being a mom is hard. We do the best we can to make our kiddies happy, to make them feel safe and loved, and yet there are always moments like today that claw these positives away from our relationship, from our hard work, and make us feel like a failure.

Jari and I went to the bus station to catch the bus home, it being rainy and windy I didn't want to take the 25 minute walk, nor did Jari feel up to it. We had just missed the bus, by mere minutes. The next was nearly an hour wait. Kaeden would be home before us. WOuld he know enough to wait in our yard, like I always try to drive into his mind, just in case? As Jari and I headed to the cafe for a special treat of coffee out with mama for his bravery (and sine we had an hour wait in the rain) I was concerned about Kaeden. But enjoyed my little outing with my little boy, something we don't often do. He was pleased with our conversation and enjoyed reading the menu to me. My little guy can read. Wow!

When we finally got on the bus, after 4 number 8's (which we needed) passed us by and made my nerves even more frayed, there were few free seats. However, that came from all the teenagers sprawling all out, with their bookbags and feet taking all the chairs. There were 4 setas together in which one girl claimed all. I asked if we could have a seat and waited for her to move her stuff. SHe just looked at me but didn't make a move to remove her belongings. I did it for her, pushing her dirty shoes off the seat in which I would sit, and throwing her backpack on the seat next to her. After I sat back down, she returned her foot to the edge of my seat. I didn't say anything, because I was boiling and didn't want to start a debate with someone so disrespectful. I told Jari that it wasn't nice not to share seats and that everybody has a right to sit on the bus. She knew what I meant. But I wanted to stand up to her, this little brat of a teen that had too big an attitude. Why couldn't I just do it? Why would I let a little brat like that content with this mama bear?

I got home, Kaeden was home. I hugged him and he shrugged off my hug. He was uptight that we weren't here. After calming him down by explaining the situation, I made him a sandwich. I then realized that he was in a bit more of a state than I first thought. He was wound up and I could tell that one wrong step was going to be a meltdown. I stayed calm, he remained somehwat calm until I told him to get ready for his doc appointment. He wasn't having any of it. Not going! was his only feedback. But, he finally did manage to get ready after he heard Papa beeping for him outside...without an incident, without any fight, without nasty language or hot tears. Being a mama is hard work. Walking on eggshells is also a lot of hard work, and that's kinda what it feels like being a mama some days.

So, now I have the weekend before me. Lots of plans. Plans, being a mama, doing mama stuff, and getting rewarded with little more than a kiss at the end of the night...a kiss which tells me all I need to know. I am doing okay. My kids love me. But wow, being a mama is hard work. I bet the mama of that disrespectful little Beeyotch on the bus knows it too. And so does my girlfriend with the two year old.

Thankful Thursday!

Julie over at Another Chance Ranch has decided to start the Thankful Thursday edition of blogging. I'm going to join her on her mission to remember all the things I have to be thankful for. At least I'm going to give it a try. I'm not good at remembering these weekly or daily posts, but at this time in my life, I need to remember reasons I have to be thankful. So, it's comng at a very good time. So, for today, here's my reasons to be thankful.

I am thankful for my husband. I met Erwin on ICQ back in 1998 and weformed a true friendship which quickly advanced to the stages of 'something more'. When he made plans to visit me in America 10 months after our first contact, neither of us was sure where it would lead, though I was hoping that our times in real-life would equal the fun we had together online. We spent three weeks traveling the Western US together and got to know each other on a more personal and intimate basis. The last week we shared was spent with my son who was 4 years old at the time. The three of us fell easily and cozily into our "family life" and one of the very hardest things I have done in my life was to say goodbye to Erwin at the end of our three weeks together. It was then that I knew I was in love with this Dutch man, and that I didn't want to live without him in my life. He was then, and still is, a man true to his word, someone who stands beside you and believes in justice. He is a good person.

Our long distance relationship lasted 2 years with trips back and forth between America and Europe, thousands of dollars in phone calls, and daily chats and web-cam visits, before we took the leap and decided to make a move to actually be together. It was a jump I was all than more willing to take with him by my side. But it wasn't without difficulties, as I had a son and it would mean Erwin becoming not only a partner, but a father. My son, at five years old, would finally have a dad, someone who could be his hero, teach him all about guy things, and give him the fatherly-love he was craving and deserving of. Erwin stood up to the challenge, and Kaeden got his dad. As Kaeden and I said our goodbyes to my family and America, it was a bizarre experience. I was thrilled for the life I was about to embark upon, but saddened to be leaving all I had come to know and love. I didn't know what would await me when I entered the Netherlands, the new culture, the new foods, the new language, and a partner to share every day with. It was exciting to say the least.

So, I have been led to this moment in time, with Erwin by my side, now my husband with another child to share between us. The times have not been easy. I have had difficulties adjusting to life in a foreign land. I have gone through depression. We have been through a diagnosis of autism and ADHD with Kaeden, and that has been the hardest slap to our relationship as a couple, but also as a family. Still, Erwin has stuck by my side. He has continued to love me, to love our children, and to provide a comfortable lifefor all of us. He has not run out the door and left me behind, but proved his love and faithfulness to me time and time again by staying with me through the hard times, when it would have been much easier to just tell me goodbye. At this point in time, our marriage is having some difficulties. We are not standing together as a couple, not supporting each other as we should, not giving each other the care we both need and deserve to have to be happy in our lives. We are going through a really rough spot. But the thing I am thankful for, is that I know that my husband still stands by my side. Whatever problems we are encountering, I know we can make it better becasue we are committed to each other. I trust my husband. I know that he wants the same life as I do, filled with happiness and fun and comfort. I know that we can work through this valley and come out on top, because we have made it through so much together already. We have a history of making it work beyond all odds. And we will again.

I am thankful for my husband. He goes off to work each day to bring us the comfortable lifestyle we live. We take vacations, we don't want for any of the necessitites in life. We share family movie nights and family game nights. We take walks in the woods and attend air-shows and car races and parent teacher meetings and psychology appointments...and we do that together, as a pair, with our children by our side. In the ten years we have shared our lives, never have I worried that he wouldn't be there to kiss me in the morning. Never have I worried that I wouldn't have a home in which to live. Never ahve I worried that I wouldn't have food to feed my children or clothing to cover our bodies. He is stability in it's finest. He is my rock.

We are going to work on making our marriage mentally stronger. I know that I have much to be thankful for, but for today, I need to remind myself that it is my husband. Without him, I couldn't stand on my own two feet. And I don't want to have to. I love my husband with a depth I didn't know was possible. I would do anything for him, for us, and for our family. And today, I will take the first step in making sure that I let my husband know that I am thankful for him. He deserves to know it. Erwin, I am thankful for you.

Questions and Answers

I was tagged by Claudia at ChocolateCoffee&Wine so thought I'd oblige her and let y'all learn a bit more about me. So, here you go...more about me, mommy, T.


1. What is your occupation?Mom, Wife, Cook, Secretary, Financial Consultent, Cleaner, Chauffer, etc...all that stuff that comes with being a SAHM
2. What color are your socks right now?No socks, just my grey slippers with a hole in the toe
3. What are you listening to right now?Touched By An Angel is on tv, but I couldn't tell you what it's about. And my little critters are whee-ing even tho I already fed them
4. What was the last thing that you ate?A piece of salami
5. Can you drive a stick shift? I have to if I wanna drive
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?Today I'll say Ocean Blue
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?My friend Sharon called last night
8. How old are you today? 36
9. Favorite drink?Coffee and Cappuccino
10. What is your favorite sport to watch?Soccer, when Jari is playing
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yep, every few months
12. Favorite reality TV show?I like the home improvement shows...those are reality, kinda
14. Last movie you watched? Lives of Women that downloaded (I think that's the name)
15. Favorite day of the year?July 1, it signifies summer break for the boys and summer fun, including vacation
16. What do you do to vent anger? If I'm really mad I throw dishes, otherwise I just scream or if I am more hurt angry I climb into bed and pull the covers over my head
17. What was your favorite toy as a child?My camera...even as a kid I loved taking pics. Real toy, toy? My Simon Sez ventriloquist doll
18. Favorite: Fall or Spring? Spring because summer is on the way, Fall for the beauty...I like all seasons for a reason
19. Hugs or kisses?I love kisses from my immediate family, but hugs from everyone else
20. Cherries or Blueberry?Mmmm, either and both
21. Do you want your friends to email you back?I like to hear from friends but don't expect too much from them :-)
22. Favorite dessert?Depends on my mood but my fave is probably oma's apple pie
23. Who is least likely to respond?I really don't mind...do it if ya wanna, if not don't
24. Living arrangement?Own a home in Belgium with my husband, share it with our 2 kids, 3 fish, 2 guinea pigs and too many toys and paperwork
25. When was the last time you cried?I seem to cry a lot...lately it's every day for one reason or another
26. What is on the floor of your closet?Probably a bunch of dust, a few shoes, and a few shirts that have fallen off the hangers and I am too lazy to pick up
27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to?I'm not sending it to anyone, just gonna let it collect dust here on my blog. Freind I have had the longest: Emma. She lives in England and we became pen-pals when I was 9 years old and she was 6. We have kept contact our entire lives, even though it's somewhat sporadic, I love her like she's my sister
28. What did you do last night?Went to choir practice, came home and read blogs, tried to wake my husband up to no avail and then went to bed and fell asleep reading
29. Favorite smells?Fresh-cut pine trees, dinner ready in the crockpot after coming home from being out all day, my kids after a bath
30. What inspires you?My son, Kaeden.
31. What are you afraid of?My kids dying, my husband and I ending up divorced, Kaeden's future, heights
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?I like plain hamburgers best, but then add a bunch of pickings when they are done
33. Favorite breed of dog?I dunno, I think most dogs are beautiful and all bring happiness and heart to their owners so they all have something about them
34. How many years at your current job?SAHM, 7 years and counting
35. Favorite day of the week?Saturday, it's when the whole family is together!
36. How many states have you lived in?I can't even begin to count them all right now, but it's very significant. We moved a LOT when I was a kid
37. Celebrity crush?I have none. I know, weirdo!
38. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery?Done both. Used to ride a motorcycle as a kid, and helped my dad log which gave me experience on his heavy machinery
39. Who's your favorite NFL team?Uhm, football isn't something I watch anymore. So I ahve no fave
40. Do you have a house phone that is NOT cordless?Up in the attic stored in a box there are a couple. But I finally talked Er into cordless a couple years back and I SO prefer them. I can cook, do laundry, etc while talking which seesm so much more productive
41. 10 inches of snow or 100 degree weather?Defintely the snow. Althought I don't mind hot weather for a couple days, I lose all my energy when it's too hot. And snow is fun to play in!

So, now you know. Feel free to create your own!

Walk With Us

Through the Belgian winter countryside...

We visited a new woods yesterday (Polismolen in Opitter) as it was a beautiful winter day, warm and sunny. The kids love getting out and exploring and it gives us all a chance to recharge and relax. It was just what we needed as a family and hopefully you can share our journey...

13 Today!

Dear Kaeden,

It seems like just yesterday that I first held you in my arms for the first time. My tiny little baby boy that boggled my mind; how could I create such perfection? I couldn't get enough of you; holding you, nursing you, watching you sleep. That still holds true today, my teenager. I still am in awe of the beauty God entrusted in me, to care for and help grow into the wonderful person you are today. There isn't a person I know with such a strong spirit as you. You glow when I watch you helping others. You take such pride in making sure everyone around you is well-cared for. For doing such small little favors for others, you prove to me again and again what a treasure of a child I am raising. You make me know that I am doing okay when I see the pride flow across your beautiful face, your dimpled chin turned up into a smile that lights up the room. I am so very proud of you!

We have been through so much together in your 13 years of life. There have been so many moments when i didn't know if we were going to be okay, if we were going to make it. I remember all those days sitting with you in your hospital room as each breath you took could have been your last. I remember the day when you did take a last breath and turned blue and how for those few seconds of my life, time stood still and I couldn't breathe wondering how I was ever going to be okay again. And then, when the power of medicine and doctors brought your life back to me, how I took your little hand in mine and the feeling of a love so deep as I have neevr felt again washed over me. It was then that I learned what it truly means to be a mama, what it means to love so deeply that nothing else matters, and when I grasped that you were mine and I would ALWAYS be there for you, would do whatever was needed to make your life happy and secure and loved.

And then came the ADHD and autism and all the anger and fear and anxiety. We sure manage to get ourselves into some situations, many I wish niether of us had to live through. I don't claim to understand what hides underneath the smile I see radiating from your face, nor do I grasp what lies in the beautiful head of hair I caress each night as you fall asleep. All I do know is that whatever lies behind the beautiful face I brought onto this earth is a part of you, and whatever is a part of you, is something I treasure and love so deeply I can't even begin to explain. When I consider autism, it is only with the hope that I can learn to understand, learn to do what is best for you, and learn to overcome the shadows and doubt caring for you brings. I don't ever wish that you were someone else, for it is you that I love, each and every part of you, and I will take the good with the bad and do my best to be the best mama I can.

Tonight as I tucked you into bed after a long day of celebration, all you spoke of was the gift you received from Aunt Ilse; a subscription to Kids For Animals. All you talked of was the animals you could care for, the food you could make them, the zookeepers that you could assist, and maybe one day be a zookeeper yourself if you could learn from them. As I tried to read you a chapter of your new book, you kept interrupting me to ask about different animals and ways that you could help them. Care was the only thing on your mind. Giving of your time and expertise to help animals in need. And as I tried to redirect you to the story so you could fall into a peaceful sleep, I recognized once again this characteristic about you: you are giving, loving, and helpful. And those qualities, my dear son, will get you far in life. People that don't see the value of your loving character can never benefit from the joy you bring. I am glad that I am one of many that sees you for the good person that you are. I am glad you have the power to bring me hope and that I am allowed to know you, love you, and be in your company eevry day. I have learned so very much from you, but the thing that really sticks out is acceptance. For you are accepting of everyone, and have taught me to be accepting as well. You don't judge, but love people for who they are. And I promise you, what goes around, comes around, and in your life, you are bound to be the receiver of many important gifts from people of all walks of life. Gifts that truly matter like acceptance, love, smiles, comfort, care.

Kaeden, I truly can't believe we have reached this milestone. It makes mama feel 100 years old to have a teenage son. But my boy, there have been so many smiles and so much laughter along the way to brighten up even the greyest of days. Those grey days, well, I wish there weren't quite so many. When we both lose control and then we have to rely on the sun to come out from behind the clouds, wait for those smiels and that laughter, well, I wish they didn't have to be. But still, it doesn't matter, because through it all, I love you, deeply, purely, truly, unconditionally. And I will always love you and continue to do my best to be the mama that you need. And that is a promise I will keep to you forever, that started on the first day I held you in my arms, holds true today as you turn 13, and will hold true for every day in the future that we share. I am blessed to be your mama. And I hope you feel blessed to have me as your mom.

Happy 13th Birthday My Teenager. I love you more than all the stars in the sky.

XOXO Mama

Speaking English

I've been really excited the past few weeks as Jari has suddenly started speaking to me in English. It might have something to do with my parents having been here where he was forced to speak my native tongue if he wanted to have any conversations with them, but in reality, he almost always still speaks Dutch to me, Papa, and Kaeden. But these past few weeks have been music to my ears as my son has been speaking English completely impulsively, on his own, about 25 percent of the time when we are alone together. As soon as anyone else is around he relies on his Dutch skills, but with mama, he's really been doing great! I always have to do a double-take hearing his requests in English as it's not something I am used to, but it makes me feel so excited and happy. His Dutch accent is really strong and we've been working on his TH pronunciation (stick out your tongue and then you can say thing, thanks, those), but still, he's speakign English to me!!! It amazes me, how easily language comes to my boys. I struggle even though I am pretty happy with where I am with my Dutch speaking skills. Some days I have a good Dutch day, soem days a bad one, but never a Beek dialect day!!! I wish people here would just speak NORMAL (whatever normal is, he?)!!! But they don't and I continue to try and learn it to fit in a bit better, but I know it'll never happen completely. But enough about me, did I mention that my baby is speaking ENGLISH!!!?? Yippee! I'm SO proud of him!

When You See BAD Things In Your Head

Today I picked Jari up from school for lunch. We were walking (well, he was running as usual) home on the sidewalk as always, and he was about 10 steps ahead of me. As we got to our driveway, a delivery truck had just pulled in. I just got a really bad feeling and screamed at Jari to STOP! He did, thank the heavens above. Just as he plowed to a stop, the truck started backing out of our driveway, without any possibility of seeing a lil 6 year old behind him. As he finally glanced out his window and saw us, he realized as well as me what could have happened. He apologized with his eyes through the window. But all I saw in my mind was my baby being squished by this driver that didn't bother looking before he started pulling out. I saw the funeral and my life without my son blur before my eyes...and it was not a pretty sight. I told Jari about the danger, and how even in our own driveway we have to be careful to watch for cars. I held him extra tight taking in his smell and his toothless smile. And I was shaking, thinking of how easily it could have been a dreadful accident. Luckily I was close enough to Jari to stop him, luckily my mama instinct kicked in and commanded me to scream, luckily my son just happened to listen. But it was a scary experience, and one which reminded me how precious life is, and how suddenly all that's good can be whisked away from you. I hope that delivery driver slowed down just a little this afternoon, I hope he also had those same visions of me of what could have been and realized that making that delivery is half as important as a human life. My son's human life, and one which I am grateful to have for another day.

Back To Normal

Well, there seems to be a lil something missing in this corner...yep, our Christmas tree is gone! Just in time for the 3 kings to reach the stable and our Christmas glory has vanished until next year. All the little ornaments dated and safely stored away til next year, the lights all rolled up and sure to be come a jumbled mess by the time we take them down from the attic to adorn our next tree. It was a wonderful holiday season with much to bring a smile to my face. And now it's over, vanished into thin air just as 2007.

So, what's on the agenda for 2008? What are my plans, goals, resolutions? Simply put, I'm not making any. I try to live life as a good person. I do my best to be a good wife and mom, to keep in touch with important family members and friends, to spread smiles to strangers I meet on the street. I don't see any reason to change this pattern in my behavior. I always strive to be a good person, and really, if I consider all I have endured throughout my life, I think I am doing a pretty good job of it. There's always room for improvement, and that is what I will work on in 2008, just as I have in all the years past. But since it's a goal I have for my entire life, to be a good person, I'm not stating that as my 2008 New Year's Resolution. All those resolutions always fail me. I come up short when I place that title onto goals I have for myself. So, no resolutions and I will not fail. I will just do my best, be my best, and hope for the best...and in 2009 I can look back over another year and say, ""Hey, it's been a pretty good year! You made it! You are alive!" And I will know that I have been a success, for just one more year of my life.

A Water Buffalo

"You won't believe it," my aunt told me when I called her before Christmas. "It's a gift only your parents could come up with!" I wondered what they had up their sleeves, and the next time I called my mom, I asked her what her gift plans for Christmas were. "Well, all the kids are getting the same thing. They can't see it but they can feel it. I hope they will understand what it means."

Hmmmm....just what could they be thinking? Something they can't see under the tree at Christmas? That should be a thrill. My thoughts kept circulating around charitable causes, but I couldn't pinpoint just what their plan was. Until Christmas morning when my boys unwrapped a little picture book with animals on the cover.

"What is this?" Kaeden asked as he turned the book over in his hand. "It's a water buffalo," Gramma answered as she steered him towards the dedication page. "You gave some poor children food and hope for the future with this gift. They have a water buffalo to help them farm and give them food to eat. Whatcha think of that?"

Kaeden didn't immediately answer, but later in the day asked questions about "my water buffalo named Kaeden." Jari was also a bit confused, but grasped the concept of the poor children in Africa as it's something that consumes much of his energy. He is intrigued with the poor children that have no clothes and no food, and relaying the gift of the water buffalo in this manner helped him to understand.

This morning, as we put together his farm on the floor, he put animals into the pens we had made. "Here is the water buffalo for the poor kids in Africa," he said. "Did you know I gave them a water buffalo for Christmas?" he asked. My eyes teared over as I realized that he did understand what his special gift was all about. A water buffalo...peace on earth and goodwill to all mankind...

So, my parents outdid themselves in the giving department this year. Though my little guys managed to have plenty of sparkly, shiny packages under the tree to open, there was one gift that will continue to shine forever. The water buffalo, plowing fields to provide food for needy children, helping them become self-reliant. The gift of giving that just keeps on giving...what could be better than this gift filled with the spirit of Christmas?

If you're interested, here's a link to the site where my boys names are listed as helping others help themselves. It truly was a special Christmas, and one that won't quickly become cast into the depths of the closet, forgotten and broken.

http://www.heifer.org/

Sterkte!

New Year's Eve...2008 was upon us...we'd toasted with a bottle of sour champagne, set off a load of fireworks, and given our good wishes for the new year. And then, as oma and opa left the scene, oma told me, "Meid, sterkte morgen. En je weet dat ze nemen een stukje van je mee." (Girl (in a sweet way), have strength tomorrow. And you know that they take a piece of you with them."

I responded by telling her that yes, they always take a piece of me with them, always will. But having strength, well, that's the hard part.

This morning I woke up and first walked into my parents bedroom. Their beds were empty, staring back at me with no happy Good Morning, no promise of laughter and hugs and stories of the past. No promise of my boys being spoiled by grandparents that can't get enough of them. They weer simply gone, leaving only that little pice that they always leave behind...that piece that I always carry with me, wherever I am...their love, deep, satisfying, and perfect.

I feel a bit empty today. I miss my mom and dad more than I even imagined. It does get easier in one sense, the longer we're apart, as I don't remember the wonderful hugs, the scent of my mom in the morning, my dad's hat always forced upon his head. But in another sense, it never really gets any easier, as I long for those memories, those touches, and even more so for a closeness with my boys that can't be forged across the miles. But still, I always have that little piece, and that's the most important part.

Sterkte...yes, I am trying to have strength. But as I just went and made a cup of coffee for myself, there was noone else to ask "You wanna cup?" And it feels a bit gloomy and lonely. I am awaiting their call to tell me they made it home safe, so our lives can return to normal as we know it. It was a wonderful visit and I think we all truly enjoyed ourselves....and I'm glad I have that little piece to carry me through the coming days...

So, here's my mom and dad...and if you look REAL close, you just might even see the "little piece they took with them."

Hopeful?

Last night was our parent-teacher conference for Kaeden. We headed off to the school expecting to get his report about all he's learning and what he's achieved and what he'll continue working on and what new things they'll throw into the mix next semester. The usual, but always interesting to actually know how he's doing academically, as his typical response is "I dunno...I don't remember...or I don't wanna talk about it." Luckily we have a daily written journal back and forth with the teachers, so I ahve a pretty good idea how things are going in general, but academically, little is said. I was looking forward to learning his test scores and feeling secure, because he always does well on the tests and on paper he stands out as a highly successful child. And that relieves me of some of my worry about him.

However, upon our arrival at the school, I was greeted with a new format of parent-teacher conference. There wasn't a single reference to how he is doing academically. There were no test scores presented. There was just this little circle of discomfort around my head as two teachers and another counselor from the regional learning center discussed our son with us. Discussed not his academic success, but his failure to thrive due to his extreme behavior problems stemming from his inability to control himself. He is just raging out-of-control, if not at home, then at school, and the myriad of problems this creates is great. Instead of getting assistance with his school placement for next year, they are advising us to have Kaeden put into care for a complete observation. They simply do not feel that they can justify any high school plans when his behavior is the cause of his lack of success. He can't sit still anymore, he can't focus on his work, he can't complete his work, and he can't move forth scholastically with these problems hanging over his head.

So, as I sat and heard their recomendation that my son be placed in a "unit", stripped of all his medication, given every test in the medical book, both mentally and physically, and find for once and for all the underlying cause for his aggression and anger and behavior problems, I found myself on the verge of panic. See, autism is no easy thing. It manifests itself differently in each individual, and on top of the problems with the autism, many other disorders can also arise. And Kaeden's medication is just not cutting it anymore. Coming into puberty, his 8 year old mental self cannot compete with or control his 13 year old physical self. He's simply losing it.

So, after we asked numerous questions about this placement, what it would mean for him, for our family, financial issues, and the symantics of the entire ordeal, I felt a bit of relief. I mean, no, I don't want my son to be sent away from home; no, I do not want to be subjected to too many questions about painful times in our lives; no, I do not want to hear all the reasons he is angry at me; no, I do not want to start the trials with medication all over again; no, I do not want to do all the paperwork such a stay will bring...but, and here's the big thing, I do want help for my son, to allow him to be the best he can be, to allow him freedom from pain and anger and hurt, to give him a concept of self-confidence, to find all the medical issues surrounding all these things and set him on the path for a successful life ahead. And this complete and thorough hospital stay sounds like it just may be the ticket we've been trying to find for a long time. It may give us some answers and some hope and some freedom from all the negativity that lies in our family. It may bring us, and most of all Kaeden, some peace.

I am scared. This is such a huge step to take. As a parent, when we first hold our little one as a newborn, we see their beauty, we're in awe over this person we have created, we can see nothing but the beauty his birth has brought into our life...and over the years that myth is diluted with each step forth on the path of independence. But with autism in the mix, that path is wound around far too many trees and stones and pathways through the forest, and you get a little lost trying to find your way back out into the sunlight. It kind of swallows you up as you sweat, wondering if you'll ever make it out alive, trying each path as it leads to yet another obstacle stuck in the darkness of the forest, thinking that you'll neevr make it out, never see the sunshine again, never be able to walk a steaight path from one point to another.

I want to walk out of the darkness of the forest. I want to feel the sunshine on my face. I want to follow my son from point A to point B without getting lost through all the obstacles. I want the relief of knowing it's going to be okay.

And so, there's this decision weighing heavily on my mind, and even though I feel in my heart of hearts that it is the right thing to do, to finally give Kaeden Kaeden himself back, I am in pain. In pain that our lives have gotten to this point, in pain that my child needs this type of intervention, in pain that my son will be removed from our home, in pain that I, his mom, wasn't able to make it all okay...but I feel a tiny tug of relief and some hope and finally I feel as if I can breathe fresh air, cuz maybe, just maybe, help is finally on the way. Maybe I can finally walk out of the darkness of those woods, next to my son, sunshine shining upon his beautiful, hopeful, paceful face.

Who Is That?

Sunday, we're trekking off to a Winter Wonderland Paradise called Phantasialand, where we'll be welcomed by rides and fun and maybe even a visit from Santa and fairies and elves all decorated in a Winter Wonderland theme. We're going with oma and opa and Aunt Ilse, and Michel is also coming along. And on Christmas day we're going to head to Helmond with my parents for a nice Christmas dinner with Erwin's family, and Michel will also be present.

Michel? Never heard about him...who is that?

He is the real and true boyfriend of my sister-in-law. And she likes him enough to subject him to these family days, which means it's gotta be serious! Really, who would bring their boyfriend along to an amusement park with an over-stimulated autistic teenager, a screaming, stubborn six-year-old, their mom who, though now Dutch, still has her Americanized language tools, and their father who knows all the right buttons to push to drive his sister crazy?! All I can say, is it must be LOVE! Holy cow, I never expected to say that where Ilse is concerned. But wow, I am SO happy for her.

Ever since I have been a member of Erwin's family, Ilse has had a few dates or been in a short-term relationship that hasn't worked out. Her horse has been her top priority and left her no time to manage a relationship as well. But since this summer, and her announcement that Michel is in her life, things have changed. She's still dedicated to Kartouche, she still makes it to dinners when we visit, she still goes to work...but now she's making time for this man in her life as well. And she seems to be very happy.

I am thrilled that Michel is joining us. It means that Ilse is taking her relationship to the next level, allowing him to know not only her, but also her family, and subjecting herself and Michel to a whole new aspect of Ilse. It means that he's important, and she plans on him sticking around, trusts him to join our family ride, with all our idiosyncrasies. And it means that someone new is throwing another element into our family. It's exciting, wondering about who he is, drawing a few conclusions from hearing stories, and awaiting judgement day when we finally meet. I know Michel is someone I will like, because he is making my sister-in-law happy, and that's something that really counts.

So, now that we're finally going to meet Mr. Right, can I begin asking when I'm going to be an auntie???! :-) Oh, and Congratulations Zusje!

Ticking Off The Days

Isn't it exciting? My mom and dad will be here in less than a week. And each night before bed, while we sing our songs and read our stories, we check off how many more sleeps til gramma and grampa are here to play! I can't even begin to portray in words the sparkle that flies from my children's eyes when they hear it's now just 10, 9, 8, 7...more sleeps! Gramma and Grampa are 100 times more exciting than Santa's visit. We've been trying to get the house cleaned up and organized so that they can come into a somewhat comfy home. Storage boxes full of treasured JUNK has been moved to the attic, and while we haven't yet begun the clearing out of their bedroom, we'll get to it eventually...oh, say, 11pm Dec 23rd when we need to leave for the airport by 8am the next morning...and they'll never be the wiser! Because, they probably won't even notice the cobwebs swept away, the shelves all dusted and windows sparkling clean...cuz if they have the same sparkle in their eyes that my boys have, everything will be shining and twinkling and nothing else is gonna matter. A year and a half since Jari last squeezed his little arms around grampa's neck...2 birthdays later, 3 lost teeth, 10 inches taller, and already able to read...and still, that bond between him and his grampa is as strong as if they see each other every day. It amazes me, makes me feel prouder than proud that I have managed to develop this special quality from thousands of miles away. And when I see the tears of joy make those sparkles shine even a little brighter come Dec 24, I'll be shivering from inside, happier than I have been in a long time, knowing my children and my parents get to indulge in their grandson/grandparent bonds, and make them even that much stronger without having to do it across the miles. Isn't it exciting?

O' Christmas Tree, O' Christmas Tree...

How lovely are your branches....

And lovely they are, all filled with the work of loving little hands and memories of Christmas celebrations past.

The Spirit of Christmas

I absolutely love the Christmas season. I enjoy listening to Christmas music and decorating the house. I love looking at decorations claiming streets and homes and yards. I love searching out special gifts and wrapping them up in pretty paper. I love the excitement I see in my children with the upcoming visit of Santa Claus. I love being in a church filled with decorated trees and Christmas flowers and the peaceful concept of Baby Jesus. I love the booming fireowrks and lighted skies during the New Year's celebration. I love going as a family and finding our perfect tree, wrestling with boxes from the attic and knotted together strings of lights. I love being surrounded by family and friends.

But what I don't love about Christmas is the feeling that giving brings when it swallows you up whole and becomes a competition. My favorite thing to do is find what I consider a perfect gift for a friend or family member, or making something I think they will love, and getting it to them so their eyes can twinkle during their Christmas celebration. However, sometimes when I find that perfection, or create that perfection, I am troubled. Troubled by wondering if they think it is enough, or will understand the meaning behind what I have chosen especially for them. Troubled by the fact that my measly 5 euro gift cannot compare to the 30 euro they have invested in me. Because, for me, the gift is NOT about the value or quantity, but about the quality...and the quality can only come in the form of giving from the heart, spotting that perfect gift through a store window and then lovingly handing over the cash, whatever the dollar amount, knowing you ahve chosen something your special friend or family member will either 1)love, 2) be able to use or 3) bring back a special memory of past days.

Yesterday, I spent the day with friends of mine at a Christmas market. We enjoyed wandering through the stalls and picking up a few odds and ends. On the way there, my one friend said: Oh no, I forgot to get M a gift. Maybe I can pick her something up at the markets. I thought that was a good compromise. As we wandered the stalls, she could decide what our other friend would love and then purchase it as a surprise. I, however, did not bring a gift, nor did I plan to buy one for this particular friend. We have neevr exchanged gifts, and if I see something I think she'll like, I pick it up and give it to her....but not as a necessary Christmas exchange. But when we got the the market and started looking at all the Christmas surprises, it turned into a money game. "I am going to buy you something for Christmas today, so let me know what you like," my one friend said. "Well, only if I can buy something for you in return," said the other. And then the game began. One purchased one thing, and the other purchased another to reciprocate. And it kept going on that way all through the afternoon. And I admit, it was starting to drive me crazy, because it became more a game of who could out-give rather than finding that special feeling of choosing a perfect gift. And at the end of the evening, my girlfriend said "" Well, I got nearly all my shopping done today. I got a little something for you and her and her......but, I need to just get a little something more and then I'll be done." And what I felt, instead of excited that she'd found me a perfect gift, was a bit of a let down that she needed to have even more for me. Why wasn't what she bought for me enough? If it was something she thought I would love, something she had hand-chosen becuase it suited me, why did she need more to round it off? I could care less of the dollar value or if my 2 euro gift is equal in price to my friend's 10 euro gift. I certainly don't need more junk to clutter my shelves, but I always love a gift when I know it was spcially chosen for me, and my shelves of special things grow because I know they have special meaning from whomever has chosen it for me. Or at least I hope they have special meaning.

Anyway, through all of this, I worried that maybe I was going to let my friend down by not equalling her 20 or 30 or 40 euro's worth of purcahses. I mean, she gives to all four of us, and they have only 2 to buy for and maybe I was supposed to buy even more to make the dollar values equal in our families. I want her to feel special, and I want her to enjoy the gifts I give to her, but without the expectation that it must have a dollar price attached. And if I choose to buy for one friend and not another, then I hope that I won't be looked upon as a grinch. And if I give something taht has cost me a measly 1 euro because it's soemthign I think she will like, I hope she doesn't feel short-changed. I don't want giving to feel like a competition.

I have had numerous favorite Christmas gifts, and I can assure you that the ones that brought tears to my eyes were simple and cost next-to-nothing. Let me list a few of my favorites over the years.

1) Wrapped inside a box with a note stating: These are my gifts for you this Christmas. I hope that each will bring you happiness and peace throughout the coming year, as having you as my daughter brings to me. Love, Mom. And inside the box were little hearts cut out of red felt, each with a simple word written on them: Love, Peace, Health, Joy, Happiness... and that gift touched me.
2) I adore the book Polar Express. I believe in the magic of Christmas. And I wanted my husband (who did not grow up believing in Santa and his spirit) to understand how deeply the magic touches me. We watched the Polar Express movie as a family, and at the end, tears washed down my cheeks. He didn't seem to understand why. However, on Christmas morning, in a pretty little tapestry box, I opened the lid and found a single red Christmas bell...and I could hear it ring as I held it up to my ear and jingled it. My absolute favorite gift from my husband to date...his understanding.
3) A box of chocolate covered cherries or thin mints...because that is my dad's favorite gift to give and it just isn't Christmas without them under the tree.
4) Whatever I receive from my boys. I give them 2 euro to go search out a gift for me, and the possibilities are endless...but whatever I unwrap, I know it has been chosen specially from them with much heart and thought...and when I see the package wrapped with extra tape and edges not so smooth, I get a lump in my heart and realize that this is the gift of love.

And those are just a few of my favorite things...because it isn't about the money, but about touching someone's heart. So, no competition here; no worries about how much I spend or if it will be enough or if everyone is equal (though I admit to giving my boys an equal NUMBER of gifts to open under the tree)...because when it comes from a gift from me, it will be one that I have specially hand-chosen with love...and it will be something perfect and special just for you.

A MeMe by Jade

Ok, so Jade Me Me'd me, and to prevent bad luck that may fallow I am going to continue the Me Me. lol (Yes, these are Jade's words...not mine...but I'm just going to go with it!)
So here's the rule, name 7 odd, random, or strange things people might not know about you and then pick 7 people to do the same. :-)My Me Me.

1) I won the local spelling bee when I was in 6th grade, went onto state level and lost by spelling a simple word wrong due to the stress...and at this moment, I can't even rememebr the word...but I did wear the exact same outfit for all the spelling bees thinking that's what helped me to win...purple pants and a tshirt with glitter butterflies!
2)I cannot stand to touch polyester training pant material...it gives me the weebie-geebies
3) I saved someone's life doing the heimlich maneuver at a park where I took my clients. And after, I spent a good hour in the death grip of one of my disabled clients who was overwhelmed by all the hupla going on.
4) I used to work with pottery and created a beautiful, large piece that is housed at my parents. I want to do pottery again, because it is so freeing.
5)I have no clue how to back-up my computer files.
6)I stole my mom's car from her work and went out joyriding with a friend when I was 14.
7) I use plastic wrappers, plastic wrap, strings, etc for a toothpick because it gets stuff out easier...and it drives my husband absolutely crazy when I do it.

I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you think it's interesting, have a go! So, something new about me? Or do you know me too well already? :-)

We're Back in the Computer Age

My computer is BAAAACCCKKK! She's a bit of an empty shell after her untimely death, but we'll have her filled up again in no time. But, so much has been happening, I thought I'd just do a picture post. Enjoy the zoo, Sinterklaas, Erwin's birthday, Thanksgiving, and my new title as Dutch citizen...it's all right here, folks! You saw it first!