Bed Jumping

who knew???!!!

http://bedjump.com/

Choir

Who ever said you need to be able to sing to sing?! Take it from me, a mama that sings her boys to sleep at night with no real music sense, a woman that whistles as she works, a wife that dances and belts out tunes next to her husband speeding down the highway with the radio blasting...you don't have to know how to sing, you just gotta do it!

I am proud of me. I joined our local choir after much insistence from Jari's last years teacher. She told me it would give me a chance to meet some people in the community, have more exposure, get involved. I know she is right, getting myself out there will be a big plus for me...finally, one day when she asked, I told her I'd go along and check it out. Tonight was my second choir night, and I really enjoyed myself. I couldn't help but resing the tunes as I headed for home, some of the more catchy ones that grabbed hold of my spirit. Listening to all the men and woman come together in one beautiful harmony, my voice a part of that beautiful music...how did I do that? It amazes me that someone with no musical background, no real sense of rhythm or best, can assist in creating something so lovely. I may have oops-ed a few times, but we just started again and I quickly caught on to what piano and forte mean, what different notes mean just by listening. I think Soprano may be too high for me...my voice is a bit scratchy tonight...but I don't care, I can sing!!!!

There may be too many concerts to attend, too many eevnings that Erwin is alone with the boys, too many evenings that I "have something else to attend"...but I am a part of a group, a part of my community, a part of the world outside the four walls of my home...I feel like I could...well, SING!

Mothers

I was reading the blog of a friend of mine this morning and heard yet again a story of a mother damaging her child. I hear this story time and time again, and I am pained that mothers can actually do this to their children. I just can't understand.

I am a lucky person. My mom is my best friend. She is someone I can talk to about anything, share everything with, and know I will never be judged. She gives me so much in life, and has from the day of my birth, that I can't even begin to set her on a high enough pedestal. She is the only person in the world I don't get bored talking to (I mean, if I talk to other people every day for an hour, I get to feeling a bit suffocated)...we can talk for hours on end and never run out of things to laugh about. The only thing negative I can say about my mom is that I don't get to see her enough.

I am a lucky person. My mother-in-law is someone I know cares about me. We have become good friends and I care very deeply about her. In the beginning of our relationship, there was a language barrier that kept us from truly clicking, but the more Dutch that I learned, the closer we grew. This year Oma told me that she loves me as if I were her own child...as I know how much she loves her children, I feel pretty special. I know that if I need to talk, she is always open and will be very honest with her opinion. I used to think she "hated" me as she told me exactly how she felt...it wasn't something I was used to...but now I know this is her manner of clearing the air and leaving no bad feelings behind. She is my friend, and someone in my book of life very high on my list of treasured people.

I could go on about my dad and father-in-law and tell you about all my parents, but I won't. They are as much admired by me as my mothers. These bonds I have with these special people in my life are ones that I truly could not live without. They give me guidance and love, support and honesty. Still. I just feel so grateful. My life is complete.

A little survey

Take this survey & pass it along to your friends. Don't forget to send it back to the person who sent it.
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:
Tera
Birthday:
23 July 1971
Birthplace:
Rhinelander, Wisconsin, USA
Current Location:
Beek, Belgium
Eye Color:
Green
Hair Color:
Brown
Height:
5 foot 81/2 inches
Your Heritage:
Swedish, German, English
The Shoes You Wore Today:
None yet, I'm barefoot!
Your Weakness:
Chocolate, Vacation
Your Fears:
Heights, Losing my kids
Your Perfect Pizza:
Hmmm, chicken and garlic sounds good
Thoughts First Waking Up:
Today: Ouch, my back! Mostly: I gotta pee
Your Bedtime:
Anytime between 8:30 (with the kids) or 1 (with my husband)
Your Most Missed Memory:
Our family vacation when I was 14 to the west coast...it was a perfect family time and we didn't do that sort of thing often
Single or Group Dates:
Single with my husband, group with my friends
Chocolate or Vanilla:
Choco
Do you Swear:
Once in awhile
Do you Sing:
Quite often to keep myself company when I'm alone
Do you Shower Daily:
I better!
Have you Been in Love:
I am right now
Do you belive in yourself:
I believe in myself, but I lack motivation to do necessary things FOR myself
Do you think you are Attractive:
I can be, if I wear my smile and take time to feel good about me
Are you a Health Freak:
Totally not, unfortunately
Do you get along with your Parents:
My mom is my best friend and my dad is someone I deeply admire
Do you like Thunderstorms:
Love them
Do you play an Instrument:
Oh gosh, NO! My musical sense is very limited
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
Nope, except for cough medicine
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:
I've never eaten sushi (and don't ever care to, either)
In the past month have you been Dumped:
Nope, and I hope it never happens...I wanna be with my husband forever
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:
Nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:
Not in the past month ;-)
Ever been called a Tease:
Not really that I know of
Ever been Beaten up:
I got a black eye from my brother once.
How do you want to Die:
Quickly,without pain
Number of Drugs I have taken:
When I was younger I used pot on occasion
Number of CDs I own:
Together we own plenty...but nowadays we just burn stuff
Number of Piercings:
Just my ears, one time
Number of Tattoos:
Just one on my ankle
Number of things in my Past I Regret:
I guess I have no regrets, cause it got me to today, but there are NUMEROUS things I wish I hadn't had to experience...the biggest being abused by a man

Great DAY OUT!

Today I got Kaeden off to school and then took Jari to school as well for his first ever all-day. I made him a lunch and talked him into staying over so that I could have a day out with girlfriends. It was just what I needed to get out of my funk!

My girlfriend Sharon came to pick me up and we headed to Valkenswaard to meet another friend and her baby. It was one of those last minute kinda deals and I was really nervous about leaving Jari all day, but Erwin assured me he'd be fine...he was. We had coffee and lunch in a little cafe and I had a chacne to admire Harry, my friend Amanda's darling one-year-old...what a perfect little guy, sitting so still and quiet while we visited. I do not remember EVER a time my kids have been that quiet in a cafe!!! Then again, we don't go to cafe's much to give them the opportunity to learn...usually if we do go, there's some kind of playground involved. Anyway, I was impressed with that little guys sweet smile and remembered quickly how speedy their little legs are as he took off running from Amanda when we were leaving...he's just so happy and adorable. Just having the chance to see him again after all these months was a true treat...and add that to spending time out with the girls, well, it was just a really super day.

We spent a couple hours wandering through teh weekly market, seeing stall after stall of stuff...I didn't bring home anything but food, but what more do I need? It was the company and satisfaction of friendship that did the trick for me today. Oh, and those couple little whipped cream eclairs they serve with the coffee, and the couple shots of yummy licquor with a spritz of cream on top...I forget all the lovely things about coffee out in the Netherlands. Coffee is quite a deal here, and not the refill after refill you receive in the US. There are tiny cups of strong brew with those little extras that make it a complete and satisfying experience...add to that a few friends and a couple hours time and it's just a lovely day out. It was a worthwhile trip.

Thanks for the day mates, for reminding me I am alive and not a bear hibernating my life away in the cubbyhole of my house. You really made my day! And when I got home to pick Jari up and he gave me his great big hug and told me eating lunch at school was fun, I knew we'd survived one more milestone on the way to growing up...it's a bit bittersweet...

Proud

I talked to my mom yesterday. When she answered the phone she sounded happy to hear from me. She was busy with customers, but in the first minute of our conversation she said to me "Tera, you are a wonderful person. Your dad and I were talking last night about what a nice woman you are. You are just nice to everyone and we're so proud of you." My initial response was "Uh oh, what happened? Is there something coming that I don't want to hear?" But when she assured me that she just wanted to tell me that, my heart was uplifted and I felt so free. I felt proud of myself, proud of her and my dad for helping make me into the woman that I am, this person that she considers nice and giving and loving. I felt the presence of God in my heart and I couldn't help but wipe away a tear that fell from my eyes. I, too, am proud of me. I mean, I have plenty of areas which could use improvement, but I am a person I would want to be friends with, someone that can be counted on and looked to for love, someone with a giving heart and a fast smile, someone that can keep secret yet shout out praises. In that one sentence, my mom gave me more pride than I've allowed myself for many years. She helped me see thrumy anger and fears, my disappointments and sadness, reminding me that I am a good person.

What is so important in life is treating people with respect. If you give respect, it is returned over and over again in so many ways. I truly believe that everyone deserves to be cared about, loved, and given their due respect. People's lives are all wound round like a ball of string, with so many loops and knots, and who am I to judge. I don't know where that string has been, where those knots came from or where that last meter will end up. All I can do is use my smile or hello to help unwind some of those looser knots, or in those tight situations lend a listening ear or do a good deed. Respecting people is what gives you yourself a more rounded ball.

As my mom and I continued our conversation, her excitedly telling me about her recent visit to my brother, his wife,a nd their new baby, I don't think she had a clue what she had given me. Words can cut like a knife, or they can beam like the sun. In this case, I was beaming. I hope that I can bring someone else that same sunshine today, because afterall, I am nice, I am good, and I can pass that onto anyone that I meet paths with today.

Well, it's finally just another day...Jari's 5th birthday is finally officially over...you know how most people celebrate their birthday once and get on with life? Well, Mr. King got to celebrate 5 (yes, FIVE) times. A bit much, but he celebrated with everyone, which was what was important to me. For the first time ever, he spent his real birthday with my parents and that meant a lot to them. He had a party with relatives and friends from America the weekend before, he had a serenade from the Mexican band at a family dinner, he had a BBQ celebration with oma, opa, and Ilse, and finally came his friend party yesterday...teh pirate feast...and it was a great day (with many comments from parents on the super-cool American party style). But, thanks for small miracles, it's now over...2 weeks into age 5, and we're completely done!!! With a house full of new toys and a definite need to get rid of some old ones.

In other news, we could use your thoughts and prayers. Oma is going to the doctor today and will get the date for her hip replacement. As much as I hope the surgery will help make her life less painful and more active, it's still a major deal with months of revalidation therapy. She's got a long road ahead of her, and I feel for her (luckily I don't have to literally feel it all!). It's times like this that I wished I still lived in Helmond, where I could be of more help, be there at her beckoning call, bring over a wholesome dinner , put the dishes away, throw in a load of laundry (yes, I'd even be willing to do the laundry! :-)) Being in Belgium, this is nearly impossible, but I'll still be there if needed, whatever that takes. Probably the best thing will be staying away with my bouncing, active, energetic boys!!! Though for her spirit having them around will be the best medicine, once she's through the worst. We're pulling for you oma...let's get it done and move forward with life!!! Sucess!

I've got LOTS of cleaning up to do today. So, better go and get started. My husband has a party after work tonight, so I'll be swinging it single with my two little loves tonight. Have fun Papa! And come back to us after safe and sound...

Aquarium Treats

First Off, let me start by saying, things aren't always what they seem. This weekend we got our fish back from the "babysitter"(aka oma and opa). They had been totally cleaned, which was a treat, but the filter had been forgotten...not a big deal, but it was quite plugged up with fish slime. Well, the kids were excited to have our fish back and Kaeden immediately asked if he could give them a fish treat...something he found for them in America...a little jar with shell and fish shaped treats, called aquari-yums! He couldn't wait to let them try it out. Well, the past two days the water has been getting cloudier and cloudier, little algae rapidly growing on the sides...I decided to clean it this morning when I got up, start fresh and see if it'd help. To my horror, Jari's fish was dead. I felt a sinking feeling and couldn't get the tank cleaned out fast enough...and Jari and I buried his fish in the yard, alittle hole under the Christmas tree, a little thank you for being our friend, and then a prayer to Jesus to take care of Dory aka Shark in heaven. As we filled the whole, Jari saw a leaf,a dead one, that was made of sharp pointed "bones". He associated the leaf with his fishes bones for which I had no words...unbelievable how similar the leaf looked to a fossilized fish. When I got back in the house, I checked everything thoroughly again, the aquarium fresh with water and clear. I then went on to look at the aquarium treats...in tiny print below the heading AQUARI-YUMS it states "Brand Cat Treats". I belted out in a horrified laughter...did I let my fish be fed cat treats? As I looked closer at the jar I noticed a cat in scuba gear chasing after the fish, with a huge grin on his face...OH MY GOD, what did I do? In any case, Dory is gone to heaven, and I swear our fish will no longer be treated to any little surprises...as many times as I looked at the fish treat jar, I never concluded that it wasn't for the fish...so, just a word of caution, things aren't always what they seem....

Jet Lag

Without feeling really jet-lagged, I realize that we all are anyway. This morning it was 9am when we all woke up...too late for school and too late for work. WHat a stress that created in our home. Jari is the crankiest little boy I have ever met and managed to miss school pictures this morning...Erwin had a funeral to attend and was not going to manage that in time after dropping Kaed off at school...and Kaeden, well, he was doing okay until the stress of everyone else took over his life and created additional problems. Me, I can't take it all. My head is aching and my neck muscles are clenched in tight knots. I think I'm going back to bed and hide away from the stress of life for just awhile longer...

Helper Mama

Today I got to be a helper with Jari's class. It made me feel so good, as if I have a purpose in this world. I got on the bus with the kids and headed to swimming lessons, helping them undress and dry off, dress again and head back to school. Something simple, yet more important than anyone can imagine. I joked with the kids, they took to me like I was meant to be a part, and I relished in being with children, in a class environment, my dream job and one that I miss tremendously. I wanted that class to be mine...but they are not. I am just the helper...as were another 8 moms (who all waited at the swimming pool and didn't take the bus as I did)...but I am still important. If nothing else, it gave me a task today that helped fulfill that need in myself to have something important to do. And what's more important than taking part in a child's life, helping them be successful, letting them know that I care...especially when one of those children is my own. I hope that being a class helper fulfills not only that need in me, but gives my child and his friends the feeling that they are loved...just as doing it brought my heart an extra beat of satisfaction.

"Home" Again

Well, I'm home again. All the dirty laundry covering the floor and the boxes full of "treasures"are proof that we made it back. I wasn't happy coming back this time...I wanted to stay, to make my life in America, to be that American girl I enjoyed having back for the past few months....to create my American boys and watch them flourish under the lights of Wendys, Burger King and Taco Bell...ha...seriously, it was a wonderful vacation, but now I know that's just what it was, a vacation...and being back here in my own home in my new land speaking my new language...well, my heartstrings are tugging and tears threaten to fall, but I must let go and know that this is my home, whether or not it's where I belong, loving two worlds is extremely difficult. And difficult it will always be, no matter how long I make my home in Belgium.

The moose we saw running down the middle of a deserted mountain road, the hundreds of deer and thousands of antelope, the tiny, quick chipmunks and gophers standing tall and still...well, that's just part of what I must keep alive in my memories. There are plenty of pictures, but none of them can capture the excitement of living in the Wyoming world where I grew up...none of them give me the feeling of euphoria I get when I am there, the sun shining in the bright blue sky or the millions of stars putting on a nightly show...

I'll end it here for now. Maybe after the jet-lag wears off and the cold that's overtaken my body levaes me less vulnerable I'll be back...to tell of all the wonderful experiences that I can keep alive, all the hugs and laughter, all the smiles and I love you's, all the good times that were mine...in the making for just two short months of my life, yet in my heart forever alive and shining as bright and beautiful as that Wyoming sunset that passed before my eyes much too quickly.

Calling Wyoming Home

I am now HOME. Yes, it does feel like home to me when I view the beauty of the mountains from my front porch, see the blue skies and billions of stars stare back at me form the night sky. When I sleep in MY bedroom that has been mine since I was just a girl and cook dinner in the kitchen where I know the place of each utensil. Yes, this is home, the place I grew up and loved as a child and young adult, where I come back to with my own family and share with them the stories of my childhood. And yes, I love being home, where I can wake to the sound of my parents talking in the morning, the sound of my dad's truck entering the driveway at night...where I know I am loved and accepted without regards to anything else in the world. And yet, home is no longer home...I have my own home, my own family, my own bed and kitchen with a different layout than the one here, with views of a thousand year old church tower rather than the mountains. I love both of my homes, and I am caught between two lives, both of which bring me contentment in differing ways. I am no longer that childhood girl worrying about good gardes and parties, but a mother and wife with financial worries and children with their own worries to cope with. How did I get to this point in my life?

My parents are overworked and stressed to the max. Never in my life have I been so conscious of how hard they work. Never in my life have I been so worried about their choice of work ethics. Never in my life have I felt so relieved that I don't have to be them. As much as I love them both and appreciate all they do and have done to bring me to the point I am in my life today, I am scared that they are working too hard and will bury themselves in this day in day out battle to succeed. As far as I'm concerned they have achieved much more than they know, and now is their time to slow down and take time to enjoy some of their success. They work too hard, yet when I speak with them about it, I understand why they have to. Yet, I wish they didn't do it...I am too scared to lose them and being home I know just how very much I still need them.

I'm also in a bit of an uproar with regards to my brother. I don't understand where our relationship has gone wrong, yet there is such pain when I think about the point we have reached. I so much want a relationship with him and my niece, nephew, and sister in law, yet I feel so totally pushed away, so alienated from them, that I am scared when the phone rings, my hopes reaching an all-time high when I think it may be him, then falling when it isn't...yet scard to answer the phone because I just won't know what to say. I have left him messages telling him I'm in town, with no respoonse which tears at my heart. I have come thousands of miles to see him (and all of my othre family as well) yet he can't make the effort to give just that little bit. I just don't know where we will go from here, but at this moment, I ache. I ache for my parents even more than myself, what this relationship is doing to them, tearing at them, giving them more pain than they can bear. Where did our family go wrong? What can we do to make it right? How can I show my love without pushing too hard to push him even further away. I love you, little brother, and I care more than you can even imagine. Please give me a chance, let me show you that I am worthy of your love, your presence...

I am so happy to be here, in America, sharing all this space with my children. I have so many stories to share, and will when I have more time (and NO dial-up!!! hahaha). I took pictures of the Wyoming WIldlife on our 4 day camping trip to the woods...when you see those, you will know the peace that fills my heart and soul, and what being home means. What it means to my children and the stories they will share when they bring their own children back to these Wyoming plains. Take me home, country roads, to the place, where I belong....

Wisconsin

We made it to WI...my birthplace and first ever home. We've been staying with my Uncle John, Aunt Judie, and my cousins Jaclynn and Zach. It's so great to spend time with them and get to know them all again. Last night we had a BBQ and Judie's mom came to dinner. She is originally Dutch...her grandparents immigarted to America...and was so interested in everything we could tell her and teach her about Holland. It was really fun and the kids entertained her with their Dutch language skills. She is such a sweet lady.

Jari asked to send Papa a card today. His first sentence said "Sweet Papa, I am sad because I don't get to see you." I got tears in my eyes. Am I doing right by keeping them apart for such a long period of time? Will it strengthen the bond between all of us after we reunite again? I can only hope that this is so.

We will be heading to visit with my grandparents this afternoon. Knowing that they are getting old and I may not have them around a lot longer, I am very happy to have this time with them. I want my children to know their great-grandparents. This is a luxury that many children never get to have and I feel blessed that mine have that extra bit of love in their lives. I can't wait to hear all the stories that I hold forever deep in my heart, times of the past and what has created this family I call mine. I may not care as much for the history of the world, but tell me the history of my family anytime and I will put on a listening ear. (This is a bit false as I am much more interested in all history since moving to Europe and having a husband so entirely interested in it...yet as often as I am told the stories, they seem to be immediately deleted from my mind...darn!)

We miss you, Papa...all of us. Can't wait til you are here with us and we can create our own family stories from a vacation in America to pass on to our children's children. Life, what a wonderful thing.

New York City

Yesterday we spent the day in NYC. It never fails to get my adrenaline running with all the people, sounds of tooting horns, smells of heat, and the lights, wow, all those lights. If you haven't been there, it really is a worthwhile trip. It's amazing. We had a slice of hot, fresh pizza after getting off the train and then we were straight out into the middle of this diverse excitement. Take my hand, guys....you don't want to get lost! And how easy that is to do. We walked to see Tarzan and passed all the fireman doing a Jerr'y Kids campaign. We saw policemen on bikes, motorbikes, horses, foot, and in cars. That of course gave the kids lots to talk about. They greeted some motorcycle police and got their picture taken in the heart of Times Square. Just imagine buildings piled ontop of buildings all with huge movie screens of every imaginable size and people galore running in and out of these, millions of cameras firing at once, sirens squeeling, homeless asking for money, and megaphones shouting out. And people preaching God. And people handing out pamphlets. And taxi's, oh so many taxi's. It makes my heart beat faster just thinking about it again.

Tarzan...oh wow! I just love live performances and this was no exception. Wow! Dancing and music and scenery...Tarzan coming right into the audience hanging from his tree swing. The huge ship traveling to Africa, and sound effects. My kids were TOTALLY entranced. Jari kept retelling every movement with an excited passion and clapped extra hard after each scene. Kaeden just watched and even when asking him a question was too mesmerized to speak. It was wonderful. I am so, so grateful to be given these opportunities, not only for my own enjoyment, but to open up the world to the boys. There is so much out there and Broadway is but a tiny little piece of culture. Even the building in which it is housed was beautiful. The ceilings and walls beautifully restored and painted. I just can't explain it. You've got to see it for yourself. And if you do, just be ready to be wow'ed. There is nothing like NYC anyplace else that I have been. I'd NEVER want to live there, but for a dazzling time, go for it!

Well, today we pack up and head to Wisconsin. I'm ready to see my family, enjoy hearing stories that have happened since we last met, ready for big hugs and that feeling that you get from noplace other than knowing these are your blood. And for creating stories that can be passed down through the generations to preserve this family that is ours.

Thank you SO much Taylors, for your love and care. Thank you for being such wonderful friends, another family I call mine. Thank you for opening up our world, giving us these experiences we would otherwise not have. I love you all.

A Few Notes About VACATION

Well, we are in America. It never fails to make me swell with excitement, coming back to my home, seeing people that I love, viewing Neon lights and open stores 24 hours/day...okay, not that I have been out at 4 am, but last night at 1:30 it was still quite "hopping". I went to see the premiere of Pirates of the Carribbean 2 with my friend Lisa. She is such a beautiful young lady. She loves Johnny Depp. And she wanted to share her love with me. I felt honored in a strong way. This beautiful "girl" whom I love so deeply, yet share very little of her life, but helped to raise from the time she was a newborn. I hope that I always remain a part of her life.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon at Robert Moses beach. From sea to shining sea...wow, it was magnificent. Perfect weather, not too crowded, waves just the right size for chasing you down. We collected some great shells and rocks, played in the sand and surf and enjoyed being with my family...yes, when I left their home after living with them for 2 1/2 years they gave me a plaque that said "Families Are Forever"...it still hangs in my home and reminds me the importance of family, whatever form they come in. They are a terrific family and I feel honored that I get to share in their life all these years later.

Yesterday their foreign exchange student, Jazmin, from Argentina went home. As tears flowed from her face at the prospect of saying goodbye to this place and home she has come to love, tears threatened to fall from my eyes as well...the world is such a big place and saying goodbye is NEVER easy. After her car was out of sight Kaeden said "I have some water in my eyes." What a concept, my son feels it too.

I spent a couple hours with Ted just talking and really enjoyed the time the two of us had. What a great man at 20 years old. It is very interesting seeing him as a partner now that he has a steady girlfriend. I keep resorting back to Teddy, his child name, and do it with so much love in my heart...he may or may not know how fondly I call him that. I hope he does. We watched the National Hot Dog Eating contest...I seriously had to turn my head to keep from gagging. 53 3/4 hotdogs in 12 m inutes. Yuck! I'd never want to see another one.

What else have we done since being in the US? Shopping...Kaeden picked out a present for everyone in his loving and giving way, helping to shrink his large US dollar accumulation. Went to the Crab Meadow Beach and played on the Long Island Sound. Went to see Superman Returns. Ate NY bagels. Ate NY pizza. Ate turkey dinner. Painted rocks we collected. Watched soccer. Watched Harry Potter. Played soccer. Played Monopoly. Played checkers. Woke up at the crack of dawn each morning (til today at 7, thank God!). Ate LTU airline food...yuck...not a good airline food source...even Kaeden wouldn't eat the sandwich, and he eats anything!

Finally, I want to tlak about Jari and his language skills. OH MY GOSH! The child speaks English. I mean, he speaks it at a strong level, not just one or two words. He keeps amazing me with things he says that I would never have guessed he even knew. I am so proud. I feel so much relief that I am doing my job as an American mama. I just really can't believe it. Everyone here keeps bursting out in laughter when he talks cuz it's so darn cute how far he has come in 3 days time. And his accent is just as cute as him. Anyway, he is bilingual...he just hides it well! :-)

Okay, we're heading for NYC to have lunch and see Tarzan on Broadway today. Should be another fun day in the life. I'm just happy to be "home" even though I already miss my husband...

Confrontation

I keep learning as I age. Sometimes it's a whole lot of fun and other times it simply sucks. What I never learned as a child was how to voice my feelings in a positive manner, and that has led to many faults throughout my road of life. When something is bothering you, the very best manner of making it better is to talk about it. I'm not good at this as I hate the conflict and confrontation that follow. I'd rather put on a happy face and pretend there is no pain, but eventually it all catches up with you and turns into a full-blown argument. Not good. But, I am learning and I am doing better with this problem, though I am far from being that person I hope to one day become. I look up to those people that have the power to face conflict. They create an atmosphere for themselves and those around them that may be uncomfortable for the moment, but clear and free of those troubles nagging the back of our minds, causing us more stress than necessary in our already stress-filled lives.

This week I confronted two situations that were bothering me. The first I did on my own, discussing with a very good friend the problems that her being late is causing in our friendship. I wish I had done it sooner as she wasn't even aware of the strain it was causing in our relationship. But now she has the chance to change and our friendship can go forth in a much more healthy manner. In this discussion there were a few shed tears, but nothing was out of control and it was in a very loving manner that this confrontation ensued and ended. We'll both be much stronger for it.

The second scenario was much heftier and more difficult. There were more people involved and I lost my temper in an explosive manner that always makes me feel so little and alone. Still, it was definitely necessary as much conversation followed bringing about issues that have been held deep in my heart for a long time. It is not fair to the person with whom I have a problem to not let them know my feelings...then they have no room to consider my point of view and change. However, once they know my feelings, they are empowered to make changes in strengthening the relationship. And, it gives them a chance to voice their own worries and opinions and give me a chance to consider their point of view. Once you confront the situation, the ball is in their court and they already know your expectations, and it's up to them to decide what to do, no longer laying the leaded feeling on your shoulders.

Anyway, I come home tonight with a heavy heart. Though the confrontation has been long in the works, it was done without the loving and respectful manner every person deserves. Because anger also played a part in this conflict, there was not a positive resolution, though I do feel that one will come eventually with time. People mean too much to hold it all inside. The pain and anger that you let go comes upon them too suddenly and there is nothing for them to do other than react negatively back towards you, protect themselves, with issues of their own. Even through all of this, the confrontation was positive in that it released all that built-up negativity and gave me a chance to sit back and look at the part I play in the problem. I only hope that we can resolve this further by reaching out to each other and remembering the good we each possess. Even if our relationship never comes full circle, we can still live in harmony, still pay each other the respect we deserve, and understand each other a bit more completely.

Conflict and confrontation is not something I enjoy. What I am learning is that it is a necessary part of life and something I need to improve within myself. One confrontation can lead to change while bottling it all up just accumulates more and more problems. And who needs more of those with all that life already throws our way?

Just About Time

You know how sometimes when an important event is coming, you can't believe it when the day finally arrives...your every nerve is zinging and your head is just full to the max with anticipation, excitement, and fear? Well, today that is me. I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to organize all I need to do before our two month journey into what I hope will be bliss. Yesterday I got ALL (and we're talking about 20) my husband's shirts ironed (my LEAST fave job in the world) and ALL the grocery shopping for him done. Yes, he's capable, but I want him to feel free to enjoy his vacation at home without all the extras (meaning us) that cause him stress. He can come home to a clean house every night (maybe his dirty socks will still find a place on the floor, and dishes undone except for once a week), turn on his favorite computer game or channel on the tv, enjoy dinner when he likes (I've got all premade meals in the freezer for him to heat up) and probably fall asleep on the couch every night until the sun wakes him for work the next morning...gosh, I'm going to miss my husband. When I look at him the past few days, I get tears in my eyes thinking about how long it will be until I see him again, making me remember back to when we first met and the pain of saying goodbye. I'm reasuured about how much I love him and how right we are together when I think about all of this. That's the good part.

I've got little piles of stuff everywhere...and a FULL suitcase with just treats and presents...what am I gonna do with our clothes? hahaha And I want to pack light, but always get fearful at the last minute that I won't have what I need and cram it all in. But, I'm going to America....land of 24 hour shopping and looking forward to doing so, so I'm going light. Trust me....

The boys both packed a suitcase of their own to take...yep, filled with toy soldiers and stuffed animals, cars and coloring books, hats and all that fun little boy stuff. Wait til they see that I have "repacked" for them...the screams that will ensue when I tell them 1 animal, 3 cars, and a coloring book for the plane...oh boy, I can't wait! :-) I do have a few treats in store though...a new game and book, a couple of their fave cookies, yogurt in a tube...and they will be fine. Kaeden found all his game boy stuff, we've got the DVD's ready to go, my mind is flowing with excitement about seeing my family and friends. I'm getting to that stage of "I'm going home!!!!"

And come Tuesday morning, bright and early, with everything as ready as it can be, we'll be off...off to the land of the free, the home of the brave, on the biggest day of the year, HER birthday! Here we come, America! Are you ready for us?

Tagged

1.You are in the Witness Protection Program and must invent a new first, last, and middle name. What is it?June Marie Holland
2.You are in a threesome with two famous people, alive or dead.King Arthur and Mother Theresa
3.You are in charge of naming your new band. What's the name of the band? Push
4. You are going to get a free tattoo. What would it be?A lion
5. You are being forced to listen to one song over and over, ad infinitum, as a form of torture. What song is it?Belfast Child
6. You are leaving your state/province. What state do you move to?Northern California
7. You are leaving your country, where would you move?Do I have to do that again???
8. You get to choose one book as the best ever written. What book do you choose?Probably haven't read it yet
9. You get to choose one movie as the best ever made. What movie do you choose?I'm not a big movie buff, so I can't really say
10. You get to spend one day each as a bird, an insect, and a mammal. What bird would you be? What insect? What mammal?A crane, a dragonfly and an elephant
11. You must relive one year of your life. Which would you like to relive?1994...and I would be a much stronger woman and not let myself be abused by a man...but if it's cuz I'd love to relive it again for fun, I'd say 1999, when I first met Erwin and fell in love and it was all still simple
12. Which year(s) would you least like to relive?2004...don't want to go through that depression ever again
13. You have a time machine that will take you backwards anywhere from 1800 to the present. What decade do you most want to visit?Ooh, 1800 then, I'd love to see what it was like then (but I wouldn't want to be the woman taking care of it all with no electricity...)
14. You must choose to go skydiving or very-deep-sea diving.Deep sea diving...the thrill would be greater with skydiving, but I'm scared of heights and have always wanted to go diving anyway
15. You get to return to the past (using that handy dandy time machine we were talking about before) and have a sexual encounter with a rock star who is no longer alive. Who do you pick?hahaha, first person that came to mind was Kurt Cobain...and since I don't care, I'll stick with it
16. You get to be a contestant on any game show, airing today or in the past. What show do you want to be on?Let's Make A Deal
17. You are given $1 million dollars but you must give it all to one charity. What charity do you choose?I'd create an autism charity I can fully trust to use the funding wisely for research and cure
18. You must ban one word from the dictionary and all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What word do you ban?well, I grabbed my dictionary, opened it up and pointed and the word was "gloat"
19. You can have 100 million dollars tax-free but if you take it, you'll die at the age of fifty. Do you take it?Ha, then I only have 15 years yet to live and I'm looking forward to a retirement future traveling with my husband...and then the grandkids of course...
20. There is no number 20.

Integration

Integrating into scociety. Hmmm, what does that mean to me? I thought I had it licked when I attended all the classes to learn to speak Dutch, the culture classes I was required to attend learning about the government, geography, schooling, customs, etc in Holland. I passed all the tests with flying colors and was proud of my accomplishments, even if I realized the goverment definition of integrated didn't exactly make me a person integrated into society. All the cultural differences are just too great and will take a lifetime to come to terms with. However, I could live here and happy, be understood and understand in terms of language and the reasons behind their ways of thinking and working. Good. Integrated...or not?

Pop, we move off to Belgium. Another new country, with new challenges and customs, another language. I'm once again lost. Since moving to Belgium, I feel less integrated. I haven't taken the steps to become a full member of our community, I have no concept of how things work, the language continues to baffel me when the people speak in their native dialect, which is natural to them rather than the true Dutch. I've realized how much I don't understand in simple things, like making playdates with Jari's friends. I asked a mom if her son could come play one day on a Friday afternoon. "Friday?" she asked with shock. Normally Wednesday is play day as kids have afternoons off. She agreed to let her son come on Friday, but it was very uncomfortable for me when I realized the mistake I had made. And then there is the sharing custom...if your child goes to another's home, you are expected to reciprocate the following time. Okay, this I can get. However, when Jari is invited to 3 different kids in 3 weeks, then how can I reciprocate before getting those weird looks from the moms wondering why I haven't asked their child to come play...throw in a couple birthday parties in the mix and my schedule is really oof whack. And this is just one small example. In Holland, playdates were made at teh school and the kids came home with you diretly following lessons, whatever the day. Here, it is a definite weekly schedule. I'm getting used to it.

I signed myself up to join the women's club in our village next year. I want to be more a part, speak to people by name when I see them on the street rather then giving my usual smile and nod of the head. I want to be able to have a conversation with teh moms as we wait for our children at school rather than always talking about "the weather" if I get into the conversation at all. I want to be invited to have coffee at someone's home after dropping the kids off rather than returning to my own empty nest. I want to fit in, darn it all! So, I joined this club and I hope it will bring me a bit of constructive time for myself doing activities I enjoy, such as the cooking classes, flower arranging, and trips to different museums. I'm looking forward to it, though I admit I am also scared. I wish I could at least understand the Limburg dialect so I wouldn't have to say "Sorry?" everytime someone started speaking to me. And in groups, my level of understanding is even lower. All the different conversations taking place make your mind go a bit crazy and it's difficult to focus on one conversation. Add to that a bit of music or other background noise and your brain really takes a beating. I'm usually exhausted after a group function, unless I have just tuned it all out and turned into a loner during the party.

Anyway, Jari's teacher asked me to join the village choir a couple days ago. Doesn't matter that I can't sing worth a darn, it will help me better integrate and have a few friends she told me. It meets weekly and it's more a social gathering I take it, though they do give a few concerts every eyar. So, should I go? I do want to be integrated to this village society and I would like my own personal friendships...however, choir??? That's something I haven't given a thought to sicne I dropped out of junior high choir in 8th grade....hmmm...tune for thought, I suppose.

Wedding Customs

A wedding...a celebration of the love between a man and woman (or other, if you are gay or lesbian) , a promise for a future together...and people are invited to this celebration to share with us in our commitment of love. Well, Erwin has been invited to a wedding of his colleague at work. This has happened in the past as well and it's just something I don't understand. Erwin was invited, I was not. Okay, so I don't know the couple, have never met them or even seen them as the guy is new in Erwin's office. And I can understand inviting colleagues to the celebration if you so choose. What I can't understand is not inviting their partner. If this is a celebration of love and marraige, shouldn't I be able to attend with MY husband, my partner and my love? Why should he go off to a celebration of marraige without his wife? Really, I don't care about going to this wedding. I hope Erwin has a good time, a chance to get out and socialize on a personal level with his colleagues...but the philosophy behind this just seems irrational to me. I realize it saves money by not inviting everyone and their "dog", but then why invite the colleagues either? What's another $100 when it comes to wedding costs? This is a very personal celebration...why is it expected to invite people from work. In most cases, colleagues are work friends, not personal friends. Still, it is the custom here. As is the different forms of invitations. It takes an entire class to understand invitations to things here. There are the wedding invites, the reception invites, and the party invites...which you get is your level of closeness with the couple. As colleagues, you are generally only invited to the party. This is also a case with funerals. I am always confused by where I am suppsoed to be and when when we receive an invitation in the mail.

I just think it is interesting, this difference between my home and my home. Although it doesn't much matter to me, I wish I could understand the concept behind this wedding experience. I just don't get it...