Sinterklaas

The holidays are upon us. We celebrated Sinterklaas a couple days early on Sunday. We had such a great weekend. First it was soccer and Scouts, then Erwin adn I attended the yearly "dobbelsteen avond" with all of his old friends. It's greta to catch up with everyone. I was amazed at howe much people's lives have changed in the past year...one couple bought a new home, another two are moving in together, another is adding on to their home...and I saw an almost two-year-old I haven't seen since she was a baby and pictures of another friends baby. It was fun...Erwin and i took the bikes so we could drink and got there pretty soaked...but it was dry on the way home as we rode back to oma and opa's to spend the night. Sunday we woke and quickly got ready to take the kids to a movie. We're making our own tradition, spending Sinterklas morning at a family movie with our kdis. We all enjoyed the movie, but it was a bit too deep for Jari...Kruistocht in Spijkerbroek. Then we walked around the shops a bit before heading to another friend's birthday/graduation party. And then, the big thrill was upon us! We arrived abck at oma and opa's and immediately put on some music for Sinterklaas. We sang and got excited and suddenly there was pepernoten being thrown into the room adn all the windows and doors were shaking from Zwarte Piet. The boys were so excited...not sure where to look first or which cookies to grab from the floor...and then, as they checked out the window, big ooh's and aah's escaped their spirit and gathered big smiles on their faces as the presents were discovered under the porch! Jute sacks filled with brightly wrapped gifts, a tub full of goodies...and Jari's huge sigh as the excitement leadign to that moment escaped him. It was a pleasant evening...the boys were so well-behaved and not at all the wild monekys they normally are. Each gift Jari received was opened with a huge sigh...his sign that it was just breathtaking! And Kaeden sat quietly next to oma the entire evening, happily showing off his gifts and carefully placing them into his pile on the floor. As we read our poems to each other, the boys listened contentedly. Jari played with his new garage, Kaeden listened to his new CD on his new CD player, Ilse let her motorized puppy walk across the floor, I read a book with children's oldtime games in it, Erwin checked out all the dates on his new calendar, oma set up her new digital scale, and opa flashed us all decked out in his new bathrobe. And we all ate snacks and yummy bits oma had put together, as well as candy carefully placed within everyone's reach! It was a relaxed evening, and after 4 hours everything was exchanged and a mess left behind in oma and opa's living room. We all received the gift of tickets to the Efteling, a wonderful amusement park for young and old, from Ilse Piet, and made plans to go on Saturday. So, that's where we're headed this weekend. The kids both had Sinterklaas celebrations at school today and came home with some cute things they had made. And tomorrow they are both off, for a chance to get over the excitement and play with their new toys. A short list? Mama: digital scale, lottery tickets, an angel candleholder, a movie, tea towels, game book, splatter paint kit, uhm...there is more to be sure, but that's what I rememebr at the moment. Papa: calendar X2, 2 new sweaters, atari game, lottery tickets, AOE game, ??? Kaeden: Cd stuff, Knex, lots of paper and pens, a stapler, pyjamas, pants, undies, socks, a book starring him, ??? Jari: garage, a new training outfit for his soccer practice, soccer shoes, a book starring him, blocks, a USA puzzle, a catepillar, ??? And we got a new vacuum too! Yes, we certainly were all very good little KIDS this year...and what a loot we received. But I can honestly say that the best gift is that I have such a warm and loving family with whom to share the new cultures and traditions, to learn all about my husband and his heritage, and to create that same excitement and magic for our own children to carry on further through the generations. My dear little boys, you are lucky guys...and I love you both.

Biting My Nails

Dang! About 6 or 7 months ago I quit biting my nails. Jari started biting his and I promised him that I would quit doing it if he would...wé both stopped. But, yesterday I spent the day chewing away. Today I am feeling the pain. I have 3 very mismatched nails left and 7 stubs bitten so low that they are bleeding. I can't believe I did it. I sincerely thought I had that little problem licked...now I can only hope my baby doesn't start again. Every time he wants to bite, he says "But momma doesn't bite her nails, so neither do I" with a proud smile on his face. Maybe he won't notice. This really just bites...literally!

Busy Lives

Today I am feeling a bit disappointed. My parents are working hard at home in the midst of their Christmas tree season...life for them at this time of year is extremely busy. They work day and night trying hard to please customers with their perfect family tree, and though it's a wonderful time at Tumbleweed, it's also a time for falling into bed utterly exhausted at the end of another day. I understand this, I was raised helping during this fun, busy time. Still, I am a bit disappointed. My mom and/or dad still haven't taken a moment to call my husband to wish him a happy birthday. They were on the road hauling Christmas trees from Wisconsin on the day itself, so I understand that they couldn't call then. I hold no grudges...but it's been a day short of a week, and they still haven't called Erwin. I wish they would...I know they care about him, I know they have the thoughts to make that call, I know they wish him the best, and I know they appreciate him. I also know the time difference plays a role...but I still wish they would call just to let Erwin know all these things I already know. Erwin hasn't said a thing about it, I don't know if he's even considered that they haven't called, but I have. I'm missing this gesture from them. I sincerely believe that a simple gesture such as a quick call with a Happy Birthday can bring light to a person's life. And I feel that my husband deserves this light, deserves this from my parents. I hope they call soon. It would restore my faith in them, because though their lives are busy, family is still the most important thing of all.

What's Up In Belgium?

Talk about a busy life...that has been ours the past few weeks. It has been really good, though, and I have crashed each night into a deep, contented sleep. We celebrated Thanksgiving and Erwin's birthday last week. It was the nicest Thanksgiving we have had since moving to Europe. I really enjoyed the evening, and even all the work that goes into such a diverse meal...I wouldn't want it any other way. Once every year I can make up my menu and prepare a feast for my family, all the while remembering all that I have to be thankful for. And with each hour that I cooked, those reasons came into my mind, reminding me why...my family, my friends, my home, my garden, food on the table, financial security, love, health, happiness. Even through all the downs we have in our lives, the good far outweighs the bad, and I have no reason to complain, only reason to cherish what I have been blessed with.

I think of Kaeden having autism, and how much that plays a part in our lives...I am not happy he has autism or that we ahve to deal with it on a daily basis...however, it has taught me so much...and it has proved to be a trial in my relationship with Erwin...but we are still together, still in love, still working toward the goal of raising a successful family...and it makes all those good moments we share as a family that much better.

Kaeden is a person I deeply admire for his outlook on life, what he goes through on a daily basis to fit into this world. He makes my eyes light up each time he succeeds at something new or progresses further than I imagined he could. He is tough, but he is also grand.

I think of Jari, the child that looks at you with his big blue eyes, the little one that has a second sense about when I am feeling sad, and does all in his power to relieve me of that burden. He is a caring little boy and brings me more laughter than anyone else in the world...he is energetic, stubborn, and sweet, all mixed into one. He is the gift that Erwin and I can together be most proud.

I think of my family at home, my mom and dad who work so hard and always have to provide us with the best life possible. The taught me the value of nature, and how that can bring such a sense of peace to your inner spirit. Still, being out in nature is the time I enjoy the very most of all we do.

My brothers...Travis and Trevor. Though I am going through a difficult time with Travis, I am thankful that I have the good times to remember and remind me that he has a good heart and we have shared a lot together. Trevor is my baby brother, and I still see him as such, the little guy I helped to care for s he grew. Now with his own wife and child, he gives me even more reason to be thankful. He is someone of whom I am very proud.

My in-laws...they are such wonderful people. The care for me and my family and show it on a daily basis. They are here for us wheneevr we need them, they help us out in every way possible. They also make it easier for me when I am missing home, giving me that sense of family that I miss from my own...they have become my own. When oma read the prayer opa had written for Thanksgiving day, I felt a deep bond with my father-in-law. He truly understands me, and knows how hard it sometimes is for me being away from my home, but also understands that here I also have much to treasure. I couldn't make it here without their support.

Ilse, my sister-in-law, a woman busy with her own life, yet always making changes in her schedule to suit us. We seem to understand each other and are willing to try to gain a closeness in our relationship. She is wonderful with Jari and I appreciate the positive efforts she has made to have a better relationship with Kaeden. She has a good heart.

For my friends here in Europe, who share their joys and sorrows with me, who trust me to be their friend, who share the ups and downs of making a new country their home, who are from here and try to understand me and my cultures and traditions...I am thankful for each of you.

For friends far away who stand by my side even as I walk on different soil and wake to a different clock, a day doesn't go by that I don't think of you and cherish the times we have shared, the memories we have made together.

And for all the other important people in my life, thanks to all of you for all you give me in my life...I have many people who add so much to my life.

Erwin's birthday was nice as he stayed home from work and we had the morning together just the two of us. We prepared our home for Thanksgiving, and I made him croissants for breakfast. He received all our gifts with a smile,a nd blew out his candles on oma's appeltaart. He had a surprise visit from Zwarte Pieten which really added a lot to our evening. They did a magnificent job with the kids and our boys were entranced by them. And we all sang Happy Birthday numerous times...he had to know he was special.

Yesterday I spent the day out with the KAV women's group. We left early in the morning to attend a breakfast at the movie theater, followed by a private viewing of The Devil Wears Prada...what a great film! I just loved it! After, I spent the day shopping with a lady from the group...picked up a few last minute gifts and just enjoyed spending the day in a new city with time to just be a woman. It was fun to be out and about with a native, learning more and more about Belgium culture as I fired away question after question. And also fun answering all of her questions about my home-land, extending those answers to include fun stories that came into my mind. Erwin came home from work early to be ehre for the boys and when I arrived home we had Pizza and Movie Family Night, watching a Sinterklaas movie to elevate the excitement already flowing through our home about his arrival this weekend.

This afternoon we make our way to Papa's office where Sint will make his yearly visit...Jari has already 10 times assured me that he's going to get a BIG present from Sinterklaas tonight! He is so excited!!!! He also keeps telling me that he doesn't have to set his shoe tonight cuz he'll already have gotten his BIG present and Sinterklaas won't come twice in one day...hehehe I'm planning to take my long-haired boy for a cut before we go...wish me luck...he does not want to go to the barber!

Tomorrow I am taking my friend Sharon grocery shopping and we're planning to also have a look around the city since it's late night shopping there. Then Saturday we have soccer and scouts before we head to oma and opa's, where the boys will be entertained while Erwin adn I attend a party with all his friends. It's a lot of fun and I'll surely come home with a bag full of presents! Sunday marks the BIG day, when Sinterklaas makes his yearly visit. But before his arrival we'll attend another party of our friend who has graduated and celebrates his birthday all in one. It should be a nice way to spend the afternoon out of oma and opa's hair.

So, busy, yes....thrilling, yes...and I feel good....now, if I could just get some of my poems written...oooooffff!!! Yes, poems in Dutch to represent memories of a person and how their gift relates to them. It's so much fun to share, but I need some inspiration! I'll let you know how it goes.....

HAIR

I colored my hair yesterday. It is not something Erwin typically notices, so I was happily surprised when this morning we were in the bathroom and he said, "Did you color your hair?" Yes, I answered, pretty shocked that he noticed. As he looked at me, he said, "Well, it looks really nice. Don't you think so?" It felt good that my husband noticed a change in me, that he bothered to mention it...as I said, it's not typical for him. So, thank you dear husband, for bringing an extra bit of happiness to my life today, for your kind words that made me feel more valued, somehow just a little bit prettier. It really did bring a flicker of sunshine to my life today...

Thanksgiving

Today is the celebration of Thanksgiving. A time to reflect on your life and give thanks for all the goodness that you have been blessed with. I can't even begin to describe how much I have to be thankful for...it is abundant. The love I have in my heart is strong and deep, the happiness I hold cannot be counted upon one hand. In this season of Thanks, I wish to be reminded at every turn of all the people that give me love, all the family I hold close in my heart, all the friends with whom I share smiles, all the glories with which God has bestowed upon me. Today, as I miss sitting at the big table situated in the center of our kitchen, my great-gramma's fine china sparkling under the lights, reminding us of past generations with whom we have to give thanks for bringing us to this day, as the smells of all the delicious food waft through the air, my heart will be also wafting through that air, filled with the gift of love for everybody I wish I could share the day with. Thanksgiving, a time for beautiful memories, for giving thanks. I am thankful...Happy Thanksgiving!

Feeling Incomplete

Today gave me another blow, one I wasn't prepared for and just threw another knot in my book of life...a tight one that feels like it's going to be stuck for a good long while. I remember the feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant...I was scared, wondering how in the world I was going to take care of a baby, all the while on cloud nine thinking of names and picking out little clothes and getting excited about what kind of life I could offer my child. When he was born and Kaeden was placed in my arms, all I felt was love and pride and wonder. This perfect little baby boy was the most beautiful creation I had ever seen. He stole my heart from the onset, and that love and commitment to him has only grown stronger with each day that passes. I had so many dreams for him from before he was even born, wondering who he would become, what he would do with his life...and as time wore on and I realized that my son, my perfect baby boy, had problems, those dreams started slowly changing. Today I got this big blow that just crushed my spirit...made me lose sight of every goal I ever had for him.

We requested that Kaeden be retested for his IQ, as his original score was extremely low. I got the results back this morning with no marked improvement. He still tested at a total IQ of 69, mentally handicapped. When I saw teh results staring me back in the face, I completely lost it. It was as if I was hanging all his success in life on this stupid number. When the counselor looked at my face in shocked horror with my eyes filled with tears, she remarked "You weren't expecting that, were you?" Of course I wasn't expecting that. I had dreams of my baby boy growing up and going to school, getting a successful job, having a family and home, giving me beautiful grandchildren. How could I explain that seeing those numbers just took all those dreams and shredded them into a million pieces? All I could see before my eyes was my 40 year old son sitting in his pyjamas in my kitchen demanding his breakfast. Not my dream for his life....or mine.

As we went over the results of the test, I disputed nearly all the points, trying to prove my son's brilliance to her. She finally told me that even if the test was a bit biased, it's the test they have used for years with success and that the average IQ is 100. My son is expected (on average) to reach the mental capacity of a 3rd grader...a kid of 9 years old...one of those kids in my classroom that I taught and thought how much more they had to learn in life. I wanted to scream at her that she is wrong, that my son can add numbers faster than me in his head, that he can give change better than one of my mom's college workers, that he can buy my groceries and know how much change he will get back. I wanted her to see what possibilities my son has, that my dreams can come true, and that he is NOT that number 69 on that sheet of paper.

As we talked further about his schooling possibilities I knew that my measure of success for him had to change. I will still do all in my power to push him to succeed, to challenge him to the end, to make him be his very best....but his very best is going to almost surely be less than that moment I first held him in my arms and his life danced before my eyes. Luckily, he has already given me more love and happiness than I had ever imagined was possible at that very same moment. My dreams for him are still big...and they will reamin so, and I will be proud no matter how that 69 plays into our lives. Go for it, Kiddo! And I will be behind you 110%, sharing in your success and your happiness....whatever that plays out to be.

Thoughts on Family

Yesterday we got a picture in the mail from my little nephew. He's such a little darling and I feel blessed that I had the chance to see him after he was born, but wish so much I could see him again. Babies grow so much and change so much, and I would love to be able to hear his giggle and see his smile...but I will be totally happy with the pictures, becasue they do give me an idea how beautiful this little boy is, sitting next to some pumpkins in front of a tree with fall leaves all around him, eyes wide open with an adorable, serious expression on his pink face. He really is a gorgeous little guy!

As I took his picture to frame in my family collage hanging in my entryway, the happiness at seeing his face was replaced with grief. There staring back at me was my other brother with his wife and my other nephew and niece, all with smiling faces. When I see their pictures, all I feel is a deep sadness fill my heart and a longing for some normalcy in our relationship. I was stricken by the memories of the day that picture was taken, and wondered if even then, when we played video games together and had a lunch at Applebee's, if it was all just a facade, and the smiels that show in the picture were really just two-faced people pretending to enjoy our company. As I placed the baby's picture in the frame, I had an urge to rip out the pictures of Travis's family and replace them with pictures of people that I know care about me, my children, my family. Why would I want a picture displyed of people that don't exist in my life? But the truth of the matter is that in my life, these people do exist. They are important to me, I care about them, and I have a lifetime of history to represent good times I have had with them. I don't care that in their shaken world of misunderstanding they have estranged themselves from me. No, I do care, but I don't want to stoop to their level. I want to try and remember the good times and hope for a future filled with more good times in the years to come. I want a relationship with them, I want to see my niece and nephew as they grow up, hear about their lives and be a part. It hurts me so deeply that I have no power, no control over this matter. I have been eliminated by someone that I love deeply, care about more than he will ever know. Why is it that the feelings I have for him, for his family and life, can't be reciprocated? I still can't understand what I have done that makes me so unworthy of their love. And yet, the more I think about the pain they have caused me, the more my grief turns to anger and I feel a hardness begin to creep into my heart. Do I want these people in my life, really? Things that they have said can never be forgotten, but do I have what it takes to be forgiving? I have been accused of abusing my own child, the gift that I love more than my own life. Is there room to forgive, reason to forgive, when people hurt you so deeply? For my own well being I must try to reach a state of forgiveness, come to understand that they are going through some own problems in their lives in order to push so completely away from the people that care about them. It is so hard to understand, and even harder to accept. And I am scared that when the time comes, and I believe there will be a day, that Travis is willing to accept me into his life again, I will have broke free from that need. The longer that this hurt goes on, the more disgust I feel for him. It would be so much easier to clear his pictures of my home, not be reminded every time I want to see my family...but then my children would be stripped of reminders of family that does exist in their hearts, in my heart...it isn't fair. As I replaced the frame back on the wall, with ALL my family still intact, I was not feeling a sense of peace. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that it hurts.

Here Goes

A Meme from my friend Amanda's Blog (http://whataboutyourhips.blogspot.com/).

Here goes:

DO YOU SNORE? Yes, if I am really tired or have a cold, I snore
ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER? Hmmm, I love to fight?! No, I think in general I am a lover, but fight if I need to depending on the circumstances
WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR? Losing my kids
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC? Nope, not as a kid, and not now either, though my husband certainly is and I love seeing the things he creates with the kids. I also am amazed when I see the big LEGO creations like at Legoland
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY” TV? For some reason, it captures my attention, but really, if there was none, I sure wouldn't miss it
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? If I have a straw, I chew it!
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? In order to be such a beautiful woman, I had to be a cute baby....right?
IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? Being single was fun. The responsibilities I have now as a wife and mom are much more stressful...but also a thousand times more rewarding.
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?I sing everywhere
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? Nope, though I do enjoy watching people do it. I don't have the nerve to try it, and these days my body couldn't handle it
ANY SECRET TALENTS? Secret talents? Does adding veggies to meals in sneaky ways count?
WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? Anyplace that I can explore a new culture, but also have time to relax, and preferably a new spot each time
CAN YOU SWIM? I can swim, but I wouldn't want to have to save anyone
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO? I've neevr even heard of it
DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE? I think we all better care about the ozone...we're being affected by it daily
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? Oh yum...I usually just take a bite and crunch into it
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? We used to do this in school, and got pretty good at it. But I just tried and it would take some practice
DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER? I don't think I care, but the electric bill is less with a manual one
WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? I totally have no problem with hunting. I grew up in a family where hunting brought food to the table. I don't like hunting just for the sport though. And to be honest, I don't eat wild meat. I just get this picture in my mind of a beautiful animal running through the forest and then my dad gutting it out...yuck!
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? I hope so...I sure don't want a divorce
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sometimes...I think it's gotten messier as I get older
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? I don't think I have any allergies
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU”? When I kissed my three guys good bye this morning
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? I cry really easily...so weddings are a definite
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? I don't like eggs unless they are keeping a cake together :-)
ARE BLONDES DUMB? Some are, some aren't...just as some brunettes, red heads, and blue heads are dumb
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? I wish I had a story I wrote about this in college...it was great fun! I dunno where they go, but I know they must reproduce at an alarming rate
WHAT TIME IS IT? 9:42 am
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? I have a few, but none that has ever changed my original name
IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING? I like McD's on occasion
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR? This morning from 4am til 7am when I took my cousin to the airport
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? A shower is quick, but a bath is luxurious
IS SANTA CLAUS REAL? The spirit of Santa is definitely real, and as long as you hold that magic in your heart, Santa is real
DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?Oh, I love that...just ask my husband
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? Nope, I like the dark...except when it takes up most of the day
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? Eating the wrong foods, the computer, and coffee or cappuccino
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? I like the crunchy kind, but usually buy the creamy kind
CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK? Sometimes it happens without warning
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? Twice...once when I was 11 and broke my leg roller skating on a girl scout trip. The second time was when I passed out from a sinus infection after dropping Kaeden off at daycare
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? I think so, though users would probably disagree
ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER? I sleep pretty well, but always hear my kids when they wake up
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Green
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? I've got no complaints about it...I think there is room for improvement, but I have to do that myself
ARE YOU PSYCHIC? Nope
HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE? I've started it a few times...was a required read for school, but I could never get into it
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?Not even close
HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY? Yes, when Iw as younger it was a bit of a problem area for me.
CAN YOU SNOWBOARD? Never tried it, but I doubt it...two feet on one board strapped down...I'm sure I'd fall over
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? Love, love, love it!
DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH? I don't think so
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? Yes, some kinds of magic...like Santa Claus
ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND? They can be. I know they have a second sense and can realte very well
DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? In general, no. That said, I think people should be happy in a marriage...it takes a lot of work and many people give up too easily without a fight. And if the couple has kids, they shouldn't stay together for the kids sake, cuz the kids will just be miserable as well
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? I used to be awesome...hahaha
DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES? Yes, but that's where learning comes in, right?
IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY? It is freezing out today, with that strong wind
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A sandwich with spicy cheese
DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH? Sometimes...I think it really looks nice if people have the nails for it
HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW? I like a lot of people
WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? Hmmm, can't think of one right now...but those ones that just don't apply to the product bug me
FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT? Ego Sum Panis...a few months ago I'd never even heard of it and couldn't pronounce a single word, but when I sing it with the choir it sounds so pretty...and I have to reach some very high notes and I am actually getting closer and closer all the time and it's fun to try....plus it annoys Erwin to death :-)

Interesting Day

I've had a few stressful days. Yesterday I had a day filled with numerous appointments, one after the next, and it felt so good to be busy and have things I had to do, places I had to be. I fell into bed last night utterly exhausted. I am not used to all the scurry of activity that used to be a part of my everyday life. I miss it! Yet, I also feel extremely lucky to have time for myself, for my family, and the financial support of my husband to carry us through. I really do have a good life with him. I could take more advantage of my free time rather than waste it away sitting home. There's plenty I could busy myself with, without it having to be the stressful chores as it was yesterday.

I took Kaed to the pediatrician yesterday suspecting a bladder infection. Well, that was confirmed after a urine test, and the doc let me see all the white blood cells in the microscope. He then did a sonogram of his bladder and tha's when the worry came in. Hmmm, his bladder looks a bit irregular. These swirls shouldn't be here...it should be nice and smooth. I started to wonder exactly what he was trying to tell me as I asked question after question. As we went and sat back at his desk, he told me it was imperative Kaeden have exploratory surgery done, and quickly due to his suspicion that he could be having urinary reflux which damages the kidneys. We were informed that I should take his urine sample to the hospital laboratory for testing, and while there check in for his surgery tomorrow (yes, that would be today). I was in complete shock. It was a big blow that something so serious could be wrong after a worry about somethign small like a bladder infection. So, off to the hospital we went...and our surgery for today was confirmed for 10 am. I wasn't nervous other than the fact that it was all going so quickly...but maybe that makes it easier...it's then said and done and you don't have to consider the implications any further.

Anyway, Kaeden had exploratory surgery today. It was not fun seeing him crying in pain as they inserted the camera through his penis and into his bladder...and having to do it over again because it was not correctly positioned. In fact, I dunno if I was sick, if it was too hot, or because I had to see my baby in pain, but I almost passed out...seriously. I had to sit on a stool and close my eyes, remove my sweater, and feel myself go pale covered in sweat. Yuck! After the second nurse came in to help and got the tube and camera and cathether into position, we went to have the exploration done. Kaeden does not have reflux which is a huge relief, but he does have some abnormalities on his bladder which they wish to investiagte further. The doc told me it looks as if he has had an extremely numerous number of bladder infections which have scarred his bladder. But, I know of just this time...so what is the cause? I guess I will get more answers when I talk to his pediatrician again later in the week or next week.

We got home after having a pancake and hot chocolate treat in the hospital cafe. Kaeden has had an easy, relaxed day. He still has some pain off and on between his pain reliever, and he still had blood in his urine, but after seeing that tube go in, I'm not surprised. He's now sound asleep and I hope the memories of this experience will pass quickly through his mind...and be just that, distant memories.

In happier news, my cousin Renee arrived for her visit today! Erwin picked her up from the train station in Eindhoven and she arrived just in time to have a nice dinner with us. Kaeden found the bottle of children's champagne and opened it with a giggle to celebrate her arrival. We have some fun time planned with her, so hopefully she'll enjoy herself. I just love getting visitors from home! She spoiled us with a few goodies from America and Strasbourg (where she visited first) and headed to bed after her journey. We'll see what's in store for tomorrow, but I think I'll take her out on the bike and share the beautiful fall colors lining my streets...and maybe she'll want to go further onto all the brilliant bike trails we have here. It really is pretty when you get out and ride. Anyway, welcome to Belgium Renee! We're happy to have you here!

Jari

I love the mornings when

Kaeden and Erwin have

already left for work and

school, the house is quiet

as I traipse upstairs and

surprise my littlest love

with a

morning wake up kiss. I love to watch him sleep, see his funny morning hair and eyes zooming back and forth as he dreams. I wonder if he

dreams of being a policeman or a power ranger, if he dreams of playing with mommy or coloring a picture or maybe about the dinosaur of which I sing him to sleep with each evening. I love to see his tiny head snuggled just under the covers, watch his body as the blankets stretch and fall with each breath. And as I watch him, I wonder at the creation of this tiny person that is able to fill my being with so much love, pride, joy, and amusement. Of every creation I have made, he is by far the most astouding, the one of which I am most proud. He is stunningly beautiful, and as I catch his little cheek with a Good Morning Sunshine kiss, he pulls me to him and I breathe in the scent of my little boy, feeling his arms encase me in his love. I hope I give him as much security as he does me. When I tell him that I love him, he replies with "I love you too, mama." and it takes my breath away for just a moment. This is perfection. A moment frozen in time, shared by just the two of us, giving and receiving in unison.

Jari has been so excited the past days. Sinterklaas has arrived in Belgium and he plans each picture he makes to set in his shoe with such careful precision, knowing that if he does his best work, Sinterklaas will be proud, and he will be rewarded with a tiny little treat for his well-done efforts. And to Jari, however long it takes him to make that perfect picture is well worth the time to be seen as good through the eyes of Sinterklaas. This morning as we came down the steps, Jari saw his picture still in his shoe, the sign that Sinterklaas had not made it to our house last night. As he pulled the picture out of his shoe, a treasured work of art, I saw a flash of disappointment cross his face, but his positive attitude remained as he explained "Sinterklaas was very busy last night, huh mom? Maybe he will come get my picture tonight, cuz I did a very good job." As he returned his picture to his shoe, I felt a bit disappointed as well, but know that Sinterklaas can not possibly make a visit every night. Yes, my darling boy, I KNOW Sinterklaas is proud of you, and I am positive he will collect your drawing tonight and store it safely away in his red book, reminding him time and time again how much love goes into each stroke of your marker.

As we got ready for school and brushed our teeth together, then got on our coats and hopped on our bike for the trip, Jari exclaimed about the sunny day and how pretty the sky was, but it was still cold. Yes, sweet boy, sometimes the sun shines but the air is still cold. But I bet when I come pick you up for lunch it will be a bit warmer. And it was. We played boxing as I chased him around the house. And we ate soup together, which proved to be a big enough mess he had to change clothes 2 times!!! We talked about his visit to kermis (the carnaval in our town which is setting up for this weekend...with exactly 1 ride, 1 snack shop, and 2 games) with his class, and he was so happy that the carousel was there. He's still so little, but time passes so quickly...when I clean out his cupboard and make a dent in all the clothes that no longer fit him, I wonder how long he will still let me wake him with sweet mornign kisses, how long I have to hear the words of love, how much time remains that he'll think it fun for mama to chase him through the house...how much time is left for Sinterklaas to be such an important figure in his world. How ever much time I have, it will never be enough. These are precious days and I treasure each as the gift that it is. I'm so glad you are mine, my little bug. I hope one day you will know just how happy you have made me, letting me be your mama, letting me love you. Always stay just as you are today...a loving, giving little man with lots of energy and sunshine smiles, with a mind totally your own, someone who can laugh and giggle and shower the people around you with the feeling that life is good. Because with you around, life can't be anything other than wonderful. I'm so glad you are my reality.

What is it about HOME

Today I happened to catch a glance of Oprah on TV. She was recapping a cross-country trip she took with her friend Gayle. They were in Colorado and seeing the mountains and the breathtaking beauty with Into the Great Wide Open playing as background music sent me into blubbering hysterics. It was home. It was land as I know it, land that I love, land that grabs a piece of your heart and never lets it go. It was the exact same feeling of missing home I got when the kids received the movie Spirit as a gift and when we were watching it for the first time, my heart ached for the place that used to be my home....every time I hear the Spirit Soundtrack tears well into my eyes remembering that feeling...a deep longing. It doesn't matter that the mountains are now snow-covered and cold, I just wish I could be there. There is something about home that never leaves you, no matter where you go or how many wonderful experiences you have in your life. Home is where the heart is, and although I now have a new home, I ache for the peace of my true home. It's a longing that will never leave me, a sadness of being away from that beauty, an undescribeable excitement as the plane touches down onto that mountaintop world, and I am enveloped not only in the beauty surrounding me, but the beauty that fills my heart as I know that I have reached home once again.

Drenthe

There is so much to tell. Life just keeps hopping, and with it lots of new experiences and happenings...and I can't keep up! So, I'll start with vacation...yes, our family vacation to Drenthe...a beautiful, wooded area with many outdoor adventures in which to partake.

We started our vacation with a stop to the highest waterfall in Nederland...and as we walked towards it, realized there was no water flowing...darn! They were doing some work on it, and there was nothing to see. We still took the little journey there and as I stepped down the 3rd step of the waterfall, crackkkkkk, I felt my ankle pop and down I went. It immediately started swelling and as I sat on the steps crying in pain, all the sadness of a ruined vacation flowed out the tear ducts of my eyes. I couldn't believe my misfortune. I hobbled back to the car using a stick for support and took off my shoe. My ankle was throbbing and swollen 3x the size. We got an ice pack from the cooler and I settled in the backseat using Kaeden as a cushion...he's wiggly...but loving!

We continued on to our destination, and the guys got out and played at the Boomkroonpad along the way. It is a bunch of towers and bridges built into the treetops and when they came back to me at the car I heard shouts of excitement about how high they went and how much they could see. It wa a ncie stop along the way to our vacation home.

When we got to the holiday park we checked in and drove to our house. Nope, no vacation house here...it was like a huge, brick built home, brand new and in tip-top condition. Really beautifully decorated and clean and comfy. Luckily there was a downstairs bedroom where I found my new home. After debating about whether to go to the doctor, we decided to wait til morning. When we got up and called all the docs, there was no answer, so I decided to stay home with my foot up and icing while the guys went off to visit the concentration camp, Westerbork, and the satellite towers. While they were gone, the Great Pumpkin managed to sneak into the house and scatter leaves everywhere, but also left some candy and tickets to Kabouterland. When they arrived home, mama was snuggled in bed and they were so excited to see that the Great Pumpkin came for his yearly visit. After checking every nook and cranny of the house for specail Halloween treats, we had our scary pumpkin and ghost dinner! It was a fun night and we ended the evening playing Uno over and over again.

Wednesday we made the trek to an indoor playground (Speelstad Oranje) with lots of rides and fun stuff for the kids. It was a stormy day with strong winds and we were happy to be inside. We spent the entire day there, and I even managed to hobble upstairs for a round of golf. Erwin won :-( But really, we all won...it was fun to see the kids excited over each ride they jumped into, and since it was not at all busy they could go as often as they wanted without even waiting in line.

Thursday we donned our winter jackets and braved the fall weather to go in search of the hunnebedden. They are gravestones from 5000 years ago and are still in place, piles of rocks on which the kids enjoyed climbing. We managed to see four different hunnebedden that day before heading into Assen for a walk around town. I was moving pretty slow at this point after all of our treks through the woods to reach the gravestones, and after an hour walking through town I couldn't take another step. Erwin and Kaeden went to get the car and we headed back to the house. I took teh kids swimming once we got there and Erwin made dinner...yep, he really did! The kids were in shock that Papa could cook, and went so far as to exclaim that he should do it more often as it was not burned like mama cooks...the nerve of my men!!!

Firday we spent the morning cleaning up and packing as check-out was at 10. We let Jari swim and Kaeden unfortunately was not allowed as punishment for his rotten behavior. He was fine by the time we said goodbye to Landgood Het Grote Zand, and we headed to Kabouterland. There we saw lots of animals, played on skelters, played on the playground equipment, and watched Papa perform a puppet show. It was a really nicely done little park and if the weather had been a bit nicer, there was a lot there to enjoy. The kabouter displays were terrific, with stories to go with each diorama. The kids had a great time. We left Drenthe and headed onto the crowded Friday night highways heading back to Belgium. We stopped for a late dinner at Ikea on the way home and got back to our place about 10.

It was a really good vacation, even with the exception of my little accident. It was relaxing and adventurous all in the same breath. It was time well spent as a family, and energy well spent exploring another area of Holland. It was too short, as vacations always are!

Tomorrow's the DAY

Yep, here I am, supposed to be cleaning and packing before we leave on our trip tomorrow, but instead telling you what we're going to be doing. We'll get up bright and early, have breakfast and pack up the car, and then get in and GO! We're going to Drenthe this trip, about 3 hours from here in the north of Holland. We should have a little house in the woods, at a park with a swimming pool and kids playland and mini-golf...and of course we'll visit the hunebedden (ancient gravestones) and see teh Boomkroonpad (an adventure through the trees) and see the huge satellite dishes and maybe even go to Speelstad Oranje (an indoor amusement park) or Kabouterland (a troll forest). And, I'm sure the Great Pumpkin will be coming for his annual visit...complete with scattered leaves and candy hidden all around. Oh, we're going to have FUN! That's what these family trips are all about...sharing our enjoyment of each other and relaxing together in a place where daily burdens can't get in the way. We want to enjoy you guys, share our knowledge of the world with you, teach you new things, show you new places, and have you learn that living life is wonderful. We want to spend hours at the swimming pool watching you jump in 100's of different ways and not miss a single jump, we want to watch you make a hole in one golfing and see your face light up with happiness, we want to see just how sweaty you can get running through the balls and mazes, we want to capture each delighted "Look at my stick" as we walk through the forest, and play baseball with pinecones and sticks, play Poohsticks and see whose goes the fastest, listen for the singing of all the different birds. We want to not miss a single smile, not miss your deep belly laughter, not miss your excitement at the arrival of the Great Pumpkin! These trips we take are to give us completely to you guys...when we have the chance to relax, we can give more to you. And without the pressures of life, we can take it all slower, take it all easier, not get so worked up. We can just enjoy. And so, guys, that's what's on our agenda. An opportunity to get to know each other a little better, an opportunity to let our love for you guys show, and an opportunity to share terrific experiences with you. Mama and Papa don't believe in spending lots of money giving you the best toys and clothes, the newest video games or top price cookies (even tho you have plenty of all the above too)...but we'll be darned if we let the opportunity pass to spend family time sharing our world with you, taking a trip to see new horizons, giving you the taste and feel of a vacation out in nature. And that, guys, is money and time well spent. We hope that you will enjoy our week in Drenthe as much as I know we will. I'll let you know what all we experienced in our adventures this time around when we get back to reality!!

Autism News

Found this atricle about a new autism gene that has been discovered. Looks like it could bring us one step closer to a reason for autism which could possibly lead to a cure. Anyway, I thought it was interesting...and worthy of a quick read.
Mutated gene raises autism risk, US study finds By Maggie Fox, Healthand Science EditorMon Oct 16, 6:06 PM ETWASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. researchers said on Monday they had identified a genetic mutation that raises the risk of autism andcould also explain some of the other symptoms seen in children withautism. Although autism and similar disorders can clearly run in families, theirs is the first study to find a definitive genetic link to the disorder, which affects as many as 1 in 175 U.S. children.Dr. Pat Levitt and colleagues at Vanderbilt University in Nashville,Tennessee, studied 743 families in which 1,200 family members were affected by autism spectrum disorders, which range from fully disabling autism to Asperger's syndrome.They found a single mutation in a gene called MET, which is known tobe involved in brain development, regulation of the immune system and repair of the gastrointestinal system. All of these systems can beaffected in children with autism."This is a vulnerability gene," Levitt said in a telephone interview. "There are not genes that actually cause autism. It raises the risk."People with two copies of the mutated gene have 2 to 2.5 times the normal risk of autism and people with one mutated copy have 1.7 times the risk, he said. The findings, published in the Proceedings of the NationalAcademy of Sciences, offer a way to start looking for the actualcauses of autism, Levitt said. Autism can cause a range of symptoms, from fairly mild socialdysfunction to severe and disabling learning and social impairments. Researchers knew it could run in families, but the cause has been unknown. Children are usually diagnosed as toddlers, with parentsoften describing a sudden regression in abilities and behavior. There is no known cure. Levitt said the mutation does not change the function of the gene,but changes gene expression -- how active the gene is. Levitt says his team will now try to make a rat or a mouse with thesame genetic mutation and use it to study what in the environment might cause autism in people with the mutation."It may be more than one thing," Levitt said."Let's say it is exposure to some chemical. It is a long list of everything from food additives to mercury to fertilizers. This will help."

Phone Call

I just spent the past hour talking to my parents on the phone. As much as I wish it could have been in person with eye contact and body langauge to add to the overall effect of our conversation, it never fails to bring me contentment when my parents share their news. It was so nice to hear them excitedly telling me about their trip to New York and Boston. It isn't often that my parents take off for a vacation just with the two of them for no purpose other than to explore life together, but they did and both seemed to thoroughly enjoy it. I really believe that couples need these times to reconnect and revalidate their relationship in a way that only "getting away" allows us to do. In the one day they were in New York they saw Mamma Mia on Broadway, met a man from India who took them to all the hotspots throughout NYC (of course they paid for his services, but after their adventures with him they became fast friends and he actually invited them to his wedding in India...Tony was his name), they rode on a chairlift through NYC, saw nothing from the Empire State Building (there was zero visibility), went to Ground Zero, ate at a NY deli, and satyed in an airport hotel. Their plane arrived in Boston the following afternoon when they met up with my cousin, Lisa, and her family, who continued to add to their New England experiences. My dad was taken with the Mayflower and Plymouth Rock, they were greeted with a fresh clam and lobster dinner, and had many conversations, getting to know my cousin as a woman, rather than the child they remembered. They visited the Boston Marketplace and had memorable, costly ice cream cones. And they enjoyed every minute of it all, from what I heard in their voices.

I miss my parents so much. I wish I could be there to share in their daily life adventures. I wish I could help get Christmas trees and go hunting with my dad, and make out Greyhound tickets for my mom. I wish I could prepare dinner and have it ready for them when they came home from work. I wish I could sit and watch Fox News or CNN or CNBC or whatever my dad's newest news craze at the moment is. I wish I could sit up way too late talking to my mom about every little thing that has no meaning to anyone other than the two of us.

I can't be there in person, but I never leave them in heart. My parents are amazing people whom I am proud to know, even prouder to call mine. They have given me so much in my life and I can never thank them enough for all they have done. I'm so grateful they are learning to enjoy life as just the two of them again. I'm glad they took a trip and had a great time. And, I'm glad I was able to hear all about it!

A Few Random Thoughts

The day is grey and I also feel grey. I actually threw on a pair of sweats and left my pajamas on when I took Jari to school today...no shower, no brushed teeth, nothing. I feel so tired today, as if I never even went to bed. I was hoping to go unnoticed in the school yard looking so "chique", but one mom stopped me to talk. Darn! But, she did invite Jari over for a playdate tomorrow, so that was nice.

Erwin has been home the past 2 days with his back out. I hate it when he has back troubles. I feel like I should go up to bed and give him a massage, but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like being a loving wife at the moment, which is not helpful to either of us. I hope he feels better soon. I hate seeing my husband in pain.

I had choir last night. I paid for the ceciliafeest which is on Nov. 4. A good way to celebrate my brother Trev's birthday. I'm glad oma and opa can watch the kids so Erwin and I can go. It will be nice for him to meet my new "friends".

My dirigent (conductor) is very strict during our choir practice. You wouldn't believe how many times he stops us in the course of a song to make us improve. It makes me feel like a 7 year old back in school. He gets lots of rolled eyes during practice, but during the concert on Sat nite we got a TON of compliments on how beautifully we sang, so it must be worth something. He must know what he's doing. I told them I would be away next week, and they wished they were also going on vacation.

Vacation next week...to Drenthe. A little house in the woods and tickets to a couple little parks. And lots of other plans. Why can't I get excited about it? I just have no desire, which is very unlike me. Usually I am jumping for joy at the prospect of going away.

My house is the pits. And I mean big time. I look around me and not one surface is free of clutter and I feel totally overwhelmed by it all. I don't even know where or how to start. I get so sick of cleaning every day...and I mean, I do the exact same thing day after day and day after day it needs doing all over again. I can't believe how messy a house can get in such a short span of time. If I could just get it a little cleaned up I'd feel so much better about everything.

Erwin frustrates me sometimes. Jari is in soccer and Kaeden is in Judo. Jari has soccer games every weekend, Kaeden has Judo tournaments twice in Nov and Dec. The schedules conflict. Erwin says let Kaed miss Judo. I say why should Kaed have to miss Judo? Soccer is a team sport, he says. Jari has to be there. I say Kaeden needs the experience of tournaments, and he enjoys them. Er says his practice twice a week is what gives him the exercise. I say his tournaments are the reward for his practice. Erwin and I disagree on this matter. It makes me feel like Jari and his going-ons are more important to Erwin than Kaeden. He likes going to soccer games and hates to miss them. But he hates going to Judo and despises being even asked to go watch Kaed. And then I get very negative feelings about my husband, which I hate and it makes me feel miserable. Yet the feeling is there and assisting in this grey feeling I have. I wish Erwin and Kaeden had a better relationship. It makes me so sad that they don't.

As I went to bed last night I looked over and caught a glance of a picture with two smiling faces staring back at me. It was taken about 4 years ago and was a picture of my niece and nephew, my brother's kids. Now, my brother won't even talk to me. I feel as if I have lost a piece of my heart. Seeing that picture made it all come back to me again. It's easy to pretend the pain isn't there, but one tiny instance brings it all back full-force. I don't know why my brother doesn't like me. I don't know why he thinks I am a bad person. I don't know why he thinks I am a bad mom. But he does, and it hurts. Plain and simple. And it makes me not like him, which is not a normal characteristic for me. I'm glad I live in Belgium. It makes it easier to be separated from the situation. I wish I had a recent picture of the two smiling faces, and that I could call them and tell them I care. But I can't. I have no control, no power in this situation. I love you Beau and Bree, and I always will, just as I do your dad. I'll just keep waiting for "Someday...."

My girlfriend and her husband confuse me. They are having marriage problems and it's good one day and shit the next. And I don't know what to say to her, cuz I am just totally frustrated by the whole situation. I can't understand them and how moody their relationship is. I just hope for them that they can make it work in whatever way they need to for themselves. It's weird how different people deal with situations. People are all so utterly their own. And people in a relationship are also utterly their own. But you have to give in a relationship, and that's what makes it work. I hope they can both give. I hope it will work.

My husband just came down and called my blog shit. "Is all that shit gonna be saved?" he said. Does that mean my words, my life are shit? Or was he asking in a good way, so he could put my life on CD to preserve it? I think he was being kind. Weird how it can be construed in two ways. I need to learn to take the positive road. And can my life be saved onto one little CD? What a thought...

I woke up too late and thus so did Kaeden. I was in a rotten mood and thus so was Kaeden. I can set the tone for our family life. If mama is happy, everyone is happy. Too bad today I'm feeling like crap...

So, those are my thoughts of the moment. I'm going to take a shower, and hope to wash away some of this negativity running through my veins. Or maybe I should just go stand outside in the pouring rain...that'll do the trick...yeah, sure....

Funny Husband

Sometimes funny things happen with sleeping people. Tonight I was watching tv on the couch and Erwin was snoring away on the other couch. I accidentally dumped over the ashtray and cigarettes spilled onto the floor. I called out (not so netjes) "Aw, Jesus." Erwin came out of his deep sleep, said "What's wrong" and when I replied "Nothing" he said "Well, what'd you call me for then?" He was immediately back to sleep. HAHAHA and to think he thinks he's Jesus...Oh God! :-)

Kaeden's Post

Who am I writing this for? asked Kaeden. For me, for us, for everyone, I told him. And then, he began.

I want to say that we played a game. That we watched

a movie on the computer. And we went to Jari's soccer.

I went bike riding with my friends.

Jeroen and Art and the other one.

And I had a drink by Jari's soccer.

I got a drink and used my own money.

I drank AA. And my mom and I gave a big kiss.

I made lasagne and I made my mom pudding

with kit kats, 2 eyes, and one nose, and one mouth.

The mouth was a happy face cuz I love my mom and

she loves me. And I made a fire. I made a lot of fire.

It was very, very, very hot. Very, very. And I took a bath, gramma and grampa.

And now we are gonna go lay in mommy's bed and sleep tight. We will read a story.

I dunno what story but I like the story about the stars and the moon. And I love

you gramma and I will see you in the stars tonight. Love, Kaeden

A Day Out With The Boys

It has been an exceptional day for me today. I've just spent the day having a lot of fun with the kids, and it felt so refreshing and how I wish every day would be. It made me feel like a good mom, a fun mom, a young and energetic mom, the kind of mom, well, that my kids would want to have. It was a peaceful day filled with contentment and smiles and love. And I truly enjoyed myself.

We went to the Ijzeren Man and took the blue route through the forests there, stopping to pick up sticks and stones and pinecones and acorns...and any and every other little boy treasure we could find. We went onto the bird islands and watched ducks splashing in the water, saw a crane walking through the cattails, heard the whistles of any number of birds singing us their hello. We built huts from fallen trees and branches and climbed all forms of trees we could reach. We played baseball with sticks and pinecones, and had an acorn fight, 2 boys against one mama. We walked over bridges and under fallen trees, we hopped across mud puddles and fed acorns and grass to deer and goats and geese. We had a poohsticks contest and chased our sticks all the way to the other side of the water. We played on the exercise equipment in the woods and drug large trees with us the entire duration of our trip. It was just pure enchantment, living through the eyes of my children and having the time to do so, without regards to anything other than their happiness. As we left the woods, we came out on the wrong side of the ditch, filled with green, still water. Seeing no path to lead us to the other side, I made the decision to jump the ditch...it wasn't too wide, but yet a challenge...and one I didn't meet! I ended up mud and water to my waist after Kaed jumped across and I threw Jari with near success---a wet foot that sent him into tears...and wails when I fell in completely behind him. I pulled myself out of the ditch, covered in mud and frog eggs and slime and gracefully headed towards the car. We wouldn't be heading to get groceries or an ice cream looking and feeling as I did. Yet still, it was fun...and funny! I took my shoes off at the car, climbed in, and we began to sing and dance to children's songs. Jari and Kaeden laughed at mama who was completely wet, and proclaimed that it was my fat butt that caused me to fall in. I agreed unhappily. As we headed towards home, we saw a house with pumpkins for sale in the yard. I let the kids out to pick a pumpkin and when the lady saw them looking, she came to show them further choices. I got out looking like a pond and we had another good laugh about falling in the ditch as I told the woman my story. She must have felt sorry for us, as she gave us 3 good sized pumpkins for a mere 2 euro, and then threw in 3 little ones to boot. The kids were in total heaven, discussing what their pumpkins would become. They actually stuck to their original choices and I was so proud at seeing them pick their treasure and carry it back to the car with twinkling eyes. Too bad I didn't have my camera...but maybe better I didn't as it would have been totally saturated in the pocket of my jacket. When we got home, with me limping a bit from twisting my ankle during the fall, thorns stuck deep into the skin of my hands from grabbing a thron bush to pull me out, and after a quick shower to remove the stink and filth of the ditch, I went to talk to my husband and father-in-law who were busy in the attic. Pap asked if I had another shower, as he spied my wet hair. I couldn't do anything other than retell the tales of my day as we all had yet another good laugh.

Good thing that laughter is good for the soul...I've sure managed to have plenty of it today, even in some frightful circumstances...and through it all remained in good spirits and filled with a peaceful sense of happiness. THIS is living, this is being alive, and THIS is good.

Hmmm

I got a letter in the mail today. All the Dutch terms are a bit confusing to me, such as een blijvende ongeschiktheid van ten minste 66 procent en dit algemeen attest heeft als doel u toegang tot de verschillende sociale voordelen waarop u recht heeft, te vergemakkelijken.

But basically, I THINK it means that Kaeden's handicap has been at least partially approved and we do have rights to some social programs for handicapped people. It looks like he has been approved for a tax credit for both personal and house taxes, and he can receive a handicapped parking card (don't quite get this one as he's perfectly mobil). He's already received his free bus ticket. We still haven't heard about the medical benefits, but they are waiting on the doctor for those determinations.

I feel so mixed up right now. I am happy that we'll have some financial benefits from our son being handicapped, and that he will have those same benefits later in his life when he lives on his own, but just the fact that he was approved for these programs shows even more strongly that our son is not normal. He would never have been approved if his handicap wasn't completely legitimate, as the testing procedures for this are very thorough, as they well should be. But when I opened the letter with anticipation of some tax breaks we might receive, as I read through the conditions my heart was beating double time as it sank into the pit of my stomach. I am crying as I type this out, just feeling this pain. What did I ever do to deserve this? Why has God placed this disorder on MY child? When does the pain ever end? Why, oh why, does my little boy have to suffer? A mama is supposed to do everything for her child, to protect and love unconditionally, to see that they are happy and healthy. I am not able to do any of these, other than love. I cannot protect my child from this autism demon, I cannot see my child happy every day of his life as his autistic brain swells with fear and discomfort, I cannot see a healthy normal child laugh and play (autism always hides behind his complete mental health). My son is handicapped, and I cannot do my job as a mother is supposed to be allowed to. I just feel deflated, empty, and completely sad. I just hope when Kaed gets home, he'll have a bright smile and hug to assure me I'm doing all I can, that I am a good mama, in the only way I can be with him. Have I ever mentioned how very much I hate autism???

Fitting In

I admit I am not the easiest person to get to know. I shelter myself a bit before I let people get too close, and I protect my feelings by keeping things stored inside. I don't like to be the town gossip, nor do I like to be the outcast. But, often, that's what I feel I am. Within the confines of my own family and home, I can be me and be accepted and cherished, but out there in this dog-eat-dog world, I often feel very alone and lonely. Much of it has to do with the language barrier that plays such an impact on my life. Though I can speak Dutch fluently (at least fluently enoght to communicate and be understood) and I understand the majority of what is being said, it takes a LOT of work. It isn't easy to express myself quickly and confidently, and that gives my self-esteem a real lashing. I don't easily converse with people because I know it will take too much effort...on my part and theirs. Often, when I do partake in a conversation, I am asked to repeat what I said...sometimes numerous times as people adjust to my accent, my way of wording things, my Dutch mix-ups in sentence structure. And thus, I often remain quiet and leave myself open to those feelings of loneliness, being different, being the one that just doesn't quite fit into the group. It's my own fault, but it's just easier. When I try to join a conversation with numerous people, I often reply too slowly and they have moved on with another subject before I respond with a suitable answer. I feel really stupid sometimes. The past few days in group situations has brought me again to this ever-persistent, ever-dissatisfying issue of language. It forces me to be someone I instinctly am not. It assures me a feeling of insecurity. It lowers my self-esteem and hurts my pride. It portrays a woman that I don't want to be. It leaves me as the outcast. I notice that when I return home to America, I am much more free. I can share my opinions without having to think the process through first, I can crack a joke on whim, I can say what is on my mind. And I don't have to think first. It makes me a much more self-assured and outgoing person, the person that is hidden inside in my life here in Belgium. The person I prefer to be, the one that fits in and has that confidence. Today, as I sat with a group of moms at teh swimming pool, all engaged in various conversations, I just wanted to sink into the floor. They were all laughing and smiling, discussing their children and their lives, and I wanted to be a part...I wanted to shout out the praises of my own children, share a story about how Jari comes into our room and sleeps upside down with us (this was one of the conversations taking place), laugh with the moms discussing the recent soccer trauma, but instead I sat silent. Eventually I 'didn't even hear what was being said anymore, and when one mom finally asked me a question, I was zoned out watching my son swim adn answered with a ridiculous "Huh?" She looked at me as if I was too stupid to know what was being said,and I wanted to scream "Hey, I can understand you, I just flat out F*ing don't give a damn." But the truth is that I do care, I do want to be involved in the conversation, I do want to fit in. And that's when I let the floor swallow me up and I cried silent tears for the woman I am not allowed to be. I can understand...if only they could as well....

Marriage

I have a girlfriend whom is going through a rough spot in her relationship. Though not married, their partnership is registered, which is the equivalent of a marriage in every aspect with an exception to children. My friend and her "husband" have no children, so they are as good as married. And it has been really bothering me, the troubles they are experiencing. I don't know how she is dealing with it all, and I can't seem to get beyond his disrespectful treatment of her. However, she loves him and is willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. It has been making me really dissect my own relationship with my husband...how we have changed over the years since we first met, what my marriage and our relationship means, how we treat each other. And it has made me realize what a wonderful man I married, how much respect he shows me every day of my life, how much he cares and gives and loves. It's not just in how he treats me, but also what a great father he is to my children. And I won't say that there aren't times that he drives me crazy or irritates me to bits, but that doesn't matter, because the basis of our relationship is good, our commitment to each other goes deep, and we respect one another. Erwin may not be happy with how I look, he may get frustrated by my "irrational" outbursts, and he may think I don't take enough pride in my home, but he isn't in this for a wife that has a tv star body, someone like Mrs. Cleaver that cooks and cleans like her life depends on it..he is in it because we share a deep love for each other, he respects my values and thinks that I have enough to offer him in the sense of intelligence, humor, goodness, mothering, and the gift of care. We can laugh together, play jokes on each other, and talk well into the night about things that may or may not matter. I treasure him for his deep love of history and how easily he can bring something from the distant past to life for me today, for his broad knowledge of geography and other cultures, for his simple acceptance of my burned meals and wrinkled shirts. Together we share the same values, believing that unneccessary spending is ridiculous, that a home doesn't need to be a showhouse, that our family relationships have a deep impact on us, and that the best education we can give our children is in the form of travel. Our parenting styles are very different, but our goals are the same...to raise our children to make it on their own, give them a good basis for achieving this, and giving them love in the form of hugs and kisses, clean clothes and full bellies, days out playing as a family, but no top brand clothing, no allowance for doing what they are expected to do as a family member, no gifts eevry time we walk into a store. We share a love of nature and spend the most of our time together enjoying the outdoors, we share a love of travel adn spend the most of our money exploring new places, we share a love of computers and spend free moments enjoying this passion, we share a love for gardening and spend hours and hours making our yard the perfect place to complement our home. We don't believe in living a life beyond our means, but love when we have a little left over to do something special. We are compatible.

I remember back to the beginning of our relationship when I told Erwin a secret that I was scared would turn him away from me, when I wanted this man more than anything in the world, but I knew that this was something that could impact our relationship and something he deserved to know about me...when I told him with tears running down my face, he just pulled me close and told me it was okay, that he loved me for who I am, and that I had no reason to feel any shame. And as he rubbed my arm with tenderness, he asked me if I was okay. That is the man that is my husband. Those are the kinds of things we forget living everyday life with a person, the day in-day out stress of life coming between us. Those are the things I remember as I think about the possibility of our life taking a new direction, of us no longer being together. Erwin is someone I don't want to have to be without. He gives me so much every day of my life. Each morning as he kisses me goodbye and says his ritual I love you and I jokingly ask if he's sure, I know that those aren't words that he takes lightly. I know that as ritual as it may be, he truly does love me. There is noone I would rather have as my partner in life and love, and I am just grateful that my friend's problems have reminded me how good I have it....and how I need to nurture it and keep it alive. It's easy to step away and let daily life overtake our respect for one another, to let worries about children come between the fun we share as a couple, to allow finances to cast a dark shadow over our smiling faces...but when it really comes down to it, nothing matters except respecting each other, individually, as a couple, and as a member of our family. And I have earned the respect of a great man. I hope I give it back in that same devoted manner. Thanks for loving and respecting me, Er...all of me...

Who Is She?

I know lots of little bits and pieces, but the entire puzzle just never came into place for me. The puzzle I speak of is my sister-in-law, Ilse. In all the time I have been with her brother and a member of her family, she and I have never had (taken) the time to spend time together, getting to know each other, as we really should ahve done. There have been times when we have gotten a bit closer, but life circumstances just carried us back to the mixed up box, and those puzzle pieces just never clicked into place. After we had a bit of a falling out in July, I think we both looked at teh situation through new glasses, and began to see that putting those pieces to the puzzle together was important to both of us. Yesterday we finally took that first step. We spent teh day together, just the two of us, for the first time ever. I have to admit to being nervous. When I got an email asking me for a day out with her, I was thrilled. I felt a great relief lifted from my shoulders as I read her invitation,a pitter-patter in my heart feeling like this would give us our chance. There was no way I was letting this window of opportunity pass me by. As the day got closer, though, I wondered how we would make out, two virtual strangers trying to come together for a good cause. Would we have anything to talk about? Would we be happy shopping in the same types of stores? What should I wear to make her feel comfortable with me? Would we be bored with each other before the day came to an end?

As I showered for our outing I started to relax. I decided that the only thing I needed to be was myself, and I was looking forward to a day shopping and lunching out. It felt like a luxury was falling into my lap. One I had waited a very long time to receive. I got dressed and didn't even turn to my closet a second time. Whatever her opinion of me, it had long since formed and changing my clothes was not going to change who I am...I headed downstairs to wait, and managed to clean up the kitchen while I did. When I heard the doorbell ring, I was folding a load of laundry. At that moment, my stomach fell into the pit of my stomach. Oh boy, this is it, I thought, as I opened the door. And then in she walked...my sister-in-law.

We drove towards Weert, a nice little shopping city, for the day. We started off enjoying a cup of coffee in the sunshine, and the conversation was never a challenge. It came easily and flowed just as it should. We went shopping and managed to make a few good finds...at one of her favorite stores (I just learned this about her yesterday), V&D, I scored jeans for teh kids at a GREAT price. We took a lunch break again enjoying the beautiful weather outside. I talked a lot during lunch, she learned a great deal about who I was, things I have never even considered discussing with her before. We talked about how Erwin and I met, and how his family reacted to him getting involved with soem American girl on the internet. We laughed a lot as we discussed her brother, my husband, and his quirky but lovable personality traits. We just got to know one another, better than we have ever allowed each other before.

As we finished our second cup of coffee, I looked at my watch and relaized we had been sitting there for nearly 2 hours...2 hours talking, enjoying the weather, and each other (at least I think so). There had been no awkward moments, no times that I felt uncomfortable, no silences to fill up time. It was ncie. I learned a few new things about this importnat member of my family. I realized just how relaxed she could be when everyday stresses were thrown out the window, how her devotion to her horse is more than just about love and hides a strong value system and dedication. I learned that I could be me, and she would accept me for the person that I am. As we walked back to the car, I felt a peaceful contentment. All my worries were thrown out the window. Here is a woman with whom I could enjoy a day of companionship. I can't describe it as anything but nice.

After yesterday, I am even more willing to get that puzzle put together. I don't have to be her best friend, I don't have to agree with everything she says, I don't have to spend every free moment with her and know everything about her, but I can accept her as my friend, a person to laugh with and share with, someone to hang out with when time allows, a woman I want to claim as a member of my family. From my heart to yours, Ilse, I am proud to call you my sister-in-law. Thanks for taking the chance and getting one more piece of the puzzle fitted snuggly into place.

Kids Power Team

Today was Wednesday. We had the afternoon free to make choices about what to do. There was a Kids concert going on at the culture center in town and I talked Kaeden into missing sport club so we could attend. He was glad he did. After taking the bus to the city we purchased our tickets and then wandered around the toy store for a bit. Then the show began...music, lights, games, dancing. The boys really enjoyed themselves. And then came the big moment....Who from the audience can help us??? Kaeden's arms flailed wildly about as he screamed "Me, ME!" And after a couple more rounds of him bouncing and dancing til sweat ran down his face, he was chosen. He bounced with a spring in his step onto the stage and then had to sing all the kids songs from poular television series and kids artists. I was shocked that he knew them all. He then had to dance the chicken dance, the macarena, and one other dance...those he followed along and managed to figure it all out before the dance was over. He really enjoyed the shake your butt part :-) Yep, that's my boy! What amazes me about all of this is his ability to fit into a situation. As mucha s the thought of going had him in a panic, he loved every minute of it. He also loved being in the spotlight, siniging into the microphone, dancing for "all the world" to see. He seemed like such an average kid, despite his handicap, despite having just come home on the bus from his autism classroom, despite not yet being able to read ( I was so glad he wasn't chosen one game sooner when the kids had to play hangman...that wouldn't ahve went so well.). As his mom, I sat in the seat with Jari, watching our Kaeden, and I can't begin to tell what a strong feeling of pride pulsed through my veins. This is a child that may not be able to overcome his handicap, but he certainly is learning to live with it...and live with it with attitude! Nobody today could have guessed that he is a child that lives with autism, a child who must alter his every move in life to fit into what the norm says is acceptable. He was that normal boy, just having a GREAT time enjoying life. I can't say I didn't shed a few tears as I watched him dance...tears for the person he is, the person I sometimes wished he was, the person he can not ever become...and then, as his dance was over and he returned to his seat, I danced with him. Danced for joy that my son is just what he is...my son.

My Husband is The Best!

I was busy in the kitchen, just getting dinner dished up, when my husband walked through the door. In his hands was a big wrapped present and when Jari asked if it was for him, Erwin responded with "Nope, it's for Mama." I was in a bit of a shock as he handed it to me, saying "This is because you always cook for me and make my lunches and stuff." It's rare that Er gives me a present-like surprise for nothing...his are usually more in the form of days out or vacation plans, and he always has something special for me at holidays too. But just because??? I really couldn't believe it, and was rewarded with a brand new digital kitchen scale when I tore off the paper. It really is a ncie one and I'm sure will come in handy and get plenty of use as much as I enjoy creating in the kitchen. The cool thing about it is that with each new ingredient you add, you don't have to start over, rather just press reset and add your next ingredient and it measures each separately. Anyway, I'm happy to have the scale. But even more, I'm happy to have a husband that shows me his love...in many different ways. He's more than worth his weight, in gold!

Painting

Sometimes you've just got to do it...bring out all those paints and brushes, pallettes and paper, and let your hands work at mixing colors you never imagined were possible...deep purples that capture that moment in the dark sky just after the sun closes his eyes, bright lime greens springing up on paper like fresh leaves awakened after a winter sleep, a blue so deep even the bottom of the sea can't compare...colors that bring life to our world. I have been wanting to paint for awhile now, just try my hand and see what transforms with no real thought to where my mind may take me. Today I pulled out all those materials, all that mess that means a bit more cleaning up, but lets your spirit free, lets your mind's eye take shape and form. My canvas changed throughout the course of my painting session, first yellow and then green as I added blue. Somehow a fluid tree flowed onto the canvas, it's ball shape filled with brown twigs, as a hill came into the background, flowing on a slant where children could roll and laugh and a dark sky filled with the colors of a sunset after a storm. It was a quiet picture, no movement, a bit dark, as if the world is ready to go into sleep after dusk, parents singing their children to sleep as their eyelids get heavy and finally close, pets having been walked to do their duty and laying quietly in their basket at the feet of their owner reading a book in the lazy boy chair. I am a creative person in many ways, but painting, as much as I try, has never been my forte. I want to create like the masters with the results of a kindergarten classroom. Still, I felt relaxed. I wanted another canvas on which to create, more brushes to fill with yet another new color, more time to let my thoughts form into something solid and touchable. Painting felt good. I may not clean up that mess today. I may just leave it and see what transforms tomorrow, feel that peace again, see what new shapes go from my mind to my hand to the paper...see that even if I am not a master, it is fun to pretend, to be as free as that five year old proud to bring home their treasured work of art to show off on the refrigerator door...

Little Boy Surprises

Jari just kicked me out of the kitchen. He keeps complaining about how hungry he is, but everything I offer is strongly rejected in his stubborn whiny manner. Finally, he just said "I need a box." Weird, I thought, that a box will placate him with his growling rumbly-tumbly. I couldn't find a just right box, and finally asked what he needed it for. "I'm making you surprise treat" he stated. He has learned this from his big brother. When I handed him a serving tray, he said "YEAH, THAT's what I needed!" and without a thank you or smile or anything he proceeds to kick me out saying "Get out of the kitchen or I can't make your surprise." Lightbulbs go off in my head...hmmm...what little boy mess will I be tackling within the coming 20 minutes? Yet, I am swayed with his need to be independednt, to learn from experience, and from my own curiosity about what kinda treat I will get. I'm here waiting...and I'll let you know the outcome...

Aha, we just shared our treat. And what a smile he had on his little boy face when he sat his tray full of goodies on the couch. There was a bowl of cereal for him, a Capri-Sun for each of us, a peperkoek (individually wrapped), a can of mixed vegetables, 1 can stewed tomatoes, 2 cans of tomato sauce, and a bag of marshmallows! He went on to inform me that I need to help him open all the cans so that he can mix them all together and make me something I will think is just yummy...hmmm...I am hoping he will forget his yummy treat by the time he finishes his cereal and watching Fantasia.

What can I say? These little boy surprises are what keeps me alive. They bring a smile to the very heart of my heart. They give me plenty to keep busy with, as Kaeden's usual surprise would have been opening all those cans and using 10 bowls to whip it together "just right". And with a pretend smile plastering my lips, covering that need to spit it out as it covers my throat lining, he'd never need to try to comprehend just how much I love him to actually be eating his creation. As for Jari, well, I love him too...for NOT opening all those cans! :-) What a wonderful surprise treat!

Wednesdays

Wednesdays are hard for me. At this moment I have taken a time out from playing and making games out of cleaning up to listen to my children scream, cry, and fight upstairs. I have had enough of my kids today. I can't wait til 4:50 when we leave for Jari's soccer practice, for 5:50 when we leave fro Kaeden's Judo lesson, and for 7:20 when the sitter comes to relieve me of parenthood....for just a couple hours while I attend Kaeden's parent-teacher conference (so, that's my way of getting out of parenthood for awhile). My boys are boys...they have fun doing anything that makes a mess, they fight each other continually, and when I come between them they curse me for being mean to "my brother". If I hear one more "Moooooooommmmm, Kaeden did..." or "MOM, Jari did..." I am going to pull every last hair out...and not out of my head, but theirs! Why, oh why, do Wednesdays have to be only 1/2 days at school?

God Confusion

Last night I had choir. We sing a lot of songs to do with God. In fact, I think every song we sang last night had the word God in it. And I'm just not sure how I feel about that. At this point in my life I am not a church-going person. I am, in fact, a bit fed up with the institution of religion, for what I perceive it to be doing to my family. I do believe in God. I do hold Him sacred in my heart. But when it comes to religion, I just don't know. I want to get my kids baptised and allow them to go through the rites of first communion. But why? I myself know next to nothing about catholicism. Does it matter though? I mean, it doesn't hurt anything to be brought up in a religion and learn a bit about the history of the world if nothing else. But when religion overtakes you, body, mind, and spirit, then I see it as a problem. I don't believe that God would want this. The God that I believe in doesn't bend to any religion. He doesn't think that any one group is right. He just wants peace and happiness for all His children. And religion just doesn't offer that. If it isn't taken too far and you belong to a religious institution and act as a good person and treat all people with respect, then it doesn't matter which religion you chose to be. But, if you use your religion as a means to create this fantasy that you are better than everyone else in the world, well, that makes religion total BS. I guess I can honestly say that I believe in God but not the institution of religion. But, in general, in healthy people, I also don't think it spreads harm.

The problem arises when religion is accepted into the soul of an unhealthy person, and they use that as a basis for EVERY aspect of their life...as religion can be read into differently by every person, there is no ONE right answer. Even as a baptised Catholic, I don't agree with everythign I know about the Catholic church...this doesn't stop me from declaring myself Catholic, going to church on ocassion, raising my children to believe in God, and believing in Him myself. But it doesn't have to overtake my life, make me a menace, and cause me to believe in things that are plain WRONG. When religion overtakes your life,God is no more ...it is just religion overpowering you, and religion speaks for you...you are no longer your own being, rather one soldier in the army...and what happens with armies? They fight. It doesn't matter what morals and values you hold as a child of God, you fight for your own army, you disgrace God by hurting other people. This is what I see happening in my own family, and if what God wants is pain, then religion certainly delivers.

Now, again, I am not opposed to religion in the sense that it helps remind us of God, to remind us to live as God would want us to live, as He lived and died for us. BUT, when it goes too far, religion actually twists that love for God into damnation. Is that what God would want, for His children and His world? I think not. So, I urge you to rethink your principle, live for you, in God's loving way, and not for some army that has a mission to cause harm. I'm speaking to you, Travis, and all the millions that think and act as you do. You are NOT acting in God's best interest...you're doing much more harm than good. I just realized, I NEED to sing these songs about God, I need to sing out His praise, and in doing so, I WILL act as a child of God, for it is HE that I honor, and not some senseless institution that claims fame to being THE one...for only God Himself is Just....only God Himself is THE ONE, and God Himself is the only being I chose to honor.