Someone Is A Gold Medalist!

CONGRATULATIONS JARI!!!

Today, we had a big ole surprise come to our house. Jari ran in the school run today, competing against kids from schools all over our region...and guess who got FIRST place???

My little bug, my little speed demon, came home with the gold medal! I am so proud of him!!! And besides the medal, he also won a new game, which he immediately wanted to play....of course!

Anyway, I am a happy, proud mama this afternoon, and there's a happy, proud little bug in my midst as well. We have reason to celebrate!

'Special' Kid

It's hard to be the mom of a 'special' kid. I mean, really, don't we all think our kids are special. Each has character traits that are unique to them, each has a talent in which we praise them for, each has a manner about them that tugs at a mother's heartstrings. But, some are more 'special' than others. I am the mother of one of those 'special' kids.

Yesterday I took Kaeden to his first day of high school. I walked the halls of the school with him, his backpack hunched over his shoulder, and really looked at my son. It's hard to look at his face and see a 'special' kid hiding there behind his golden eyes, his perfectly shaped face, his bright smile, and his charming manner. And yet, there is something just a little different about him.

I can't put my finger on it as I look from afar, testing my own logic as I try to weed out the perfection I see in my own child. But as I look at him from down the long hallway, his stance is just slightly off-balance, his eyes staring ahead as if deep in thought, not really registering all that is happening around him, or maybe precisely the reverse, and he's taking in too much. The way his fingers are positioned at his side, just ever so crooked. When someone comes upon him and speaks to him directly, he doesn't respond, but continues to stare ahead. I go to him and say: Kaeden, aren't you going to tell Mrs. .... hello?

I am always trying to help him participate in conversation, help him see the proper manner of social contact, putting a smile on my face as I shake her hand and tell her we are here for our first day of school, apologizing in my own response of: Kaeden is interested in what is happening in the class. And then to my son, still trying to involve him in our conversation: Right, Kaed?

And he looks at me, although avoids contact with her eyes, as he shakes his head yes, though I am uncertain if he knows what the question was in the first place. Still, it is a response, and I sigh with relief as we continue on our journey. As we walk, I tell him: Kaeden, when someone says hello, it's nice if we speak back to them. As I place my hand upon his shoulder, he shakes it off. He's feeling overwhelmed, and this is my first sign that this is so. He cannot handle human contact when he's overly stimulated. This is one of the pains that tugs at my heart in dealing with autism. Touch hurts. And just when you most want to support your child in the most natural manner possible, with a reassuring touch, or a hug, or even a glance, you can't. He cannot handle it at those times.

We sat in the classroom where the kids who can't handle social interaction go during breaks. This is a classroom in which my son will frequent. A place where he can feel safe, a release from all social obligations, a place where he has a special task of working alone to assure he isn't a burden to other students,can't harm them with his physical presence or nasty words. It is an inviting place, with all kinds of activities in which to partake, woodworking tools, computers, games...and yet, it is isolated. We go over his schedule, the classes he will need to seek out and find on his own, the times that he'll need to be in a different building, and even though the teacher discussing it all with us knows Kaeden, has worked with him, and understands his needs, I can see that nothing we say at that moment is registering in his mind. He keeps talking about Hannah, a little girl in our neighborhood who has also been diagnosed with autism and attends this same school, the elementary school, but whom he will see on the bus at the end of the day. He can't, at this moment, take part in the conversation surrounding his school schedule.]

We go into his homeroom class. I look in at his classmates as they introduce themselves to my son. The teacher asks if he knows any of the faces. He responds with: No. I take over here. "Kaeden, look, I see Marlon there. he is your friend." as I point at the boy that came to his birthday party last year. "Yeah, I know Marlon," he replies. But the thing that strikes me most is that of the five kids, two are noticeably handicapped. Their facial features show a disability, and at that moment I am fileld with shame as I wonder why my son, my beautiful, perfect child is coming into this class. He doesn't even look like he has a handicap.

And then, as we part ways from this classroom, I am filled with even more shame, and a great big ole portion of realism. BUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL BOY IS HANDICAPPED. It hits me like a load of bricks as maybe, for the first time ever, I am awakening to the fact that my son is disabled. And, he's in a place for disabled children, where he can learn to be his best with the goods God has given him. He fits in here. He belongs. This is the one place in the world where he truly fits in, where he won't be judged or looked down upon for the strange mannerisms, strange stance, inability to read and write and speak in a normal voice tone. This is the palce my son needs to be.

I tell Kaeden goodbye, pat him on the back, and he doesn't shrug away from my touch. As I walk out the doors of the school and look around me, I see all those children, each walking with backpacks hunched on their backs, some with noticeable physical deformations, some with absolutely nothing I can see from just a glance, and I am filled with shame. Shame for thinking I am better than them, shame for thinking my son is better than them, and as I turn my eyes and walk towards my car, I decide that I am going to be a more accepting person...accepting of my son, his disabilities, and my role as the mother of one of those 'special'' kids.

I'm Raising A Chicken!

So, I was getting Jari ready for bed. He was sitting on the bathroom cabinet poised with toothbrush in hand and wrapped up in a towel after a refreshing bath. Suddenly, he pipes up: Mama, when I grow up I am going to be a chicken and sit on an egg.

Now, you had to see his face, but trust me, it was the genuine look of WOW, I just figured out what I am gonna do with my life! So, it seems as if I have a chicken-to-be in my midst. I wonder if parenting a future chicken is any different than parenting a future soccer star?

As the conversation continued between mommy's fits of laughter, we discussed chickens and roosters and how eggs become chicks...and I realized that I don't know a whole lot about the entire process. But, I DO have a good book that describes the egg to chick process in detail from day to day...guess what our nighttime story was? Jari woke up the next day retelling the story of how an egg becomes a chick, focussing on day 13 when they get feathers. And he seems to have decided that maybe he doesn't want to be a chicken, beause teh egg comes out of their butt! And he also seems to have decided he won't be eating anymore eggs (though I don't think he's ever eaten an egg to this day, unless it's in cookies or cake!!!).

So, I think I'll just go back to being the mama of a future soccer star...seems much easier than being the mama of a gender-transformed chicken!!!

My Son IS HOME!

My son is home!!! With him he brings mixed feelings, but mostly just a completeness to our family once again. My home feels once again like home, my heart feels full, and my world is complete. It doesn't take much to make me feel happy. On the way home from the hospital, with Erwin driving, Kaeden in the back seat with his bag full of belongings, my purse full of new rules and doctors and care centers and medication, and the sun peeking through the clouds, tears escaped from behind my eyes. I was completely overwhelmed. Completely at a loss as to why the tears were falling, completely and totally burned. If Kaeden needed to know at that moment why I was crying, I would have been at a loss for words. There were none. They were all used up. It was an emotional rollercoaster of a day for me.

Still, my son is home!!! Maybe tomorrow I can go deeper into all the reports and evaluations and suggestions, and opinions, but for now, I just want to relish in the fact that my son is home!!! And so, the son-shine once again lights my life...

Celebrating 90

Some things are just hard to take in. One of these is the fact that today, my grampa celebrates his 90th birthday. NINETY! 90! Nine-TY! Holy cow...he deserves a celebration!

My family is all gathered in Wisconsin and with his friends and extended family, they will be having a huge farm-themed birthday party to celebrate all the years of my grampa's life. I wish I could be there, but helaas, it will be only in heart.

I'd just like to tell my grampa: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Congratulations! And may it be a day filled with love, laughter, and lots of games of cribbage, a whole table full of cheese cubes, and a whole cooler of cold beer!

Here's a little something I wrote for my grampa, today on his birthday. It's a bit on the novice side, but to be perfectly honest, I think it suits him just perfectly. I can already hear his laugh as he reads the memories of chasing the piggies, playing Santa Claus, and all the adding machine tape he used to find lying around the house.

Memories Of The Farm
Through the eyes of a little girl
Written by Tera, for her wonderful Grampa
On his birthday today, 90 years, give a whirl!

I remember back
To piggies on the farm
Running through the corn fields
Chasing them away from harm.

The always present cream puffs
And homemade applesauce
People playing cards all night
The stacks of empty yogurt cups
We weren’t allowed to toss

Annie’s bedroom with closets full of clothes
I wasn’t allowed to go in there
But still sneaked a peek or two
Whenever I would dare.

Jeff and Jan had the video game
We were allowed to play
Their room at the back always dark
Where they would sleep away the day.

A hop and skip to Kim and Tracy’s house
We made a path through the corn
Cornhusk plates, mudpie cookies galore
For fairy friends we invented in the dewey morn.

The basement with all kinds of ‘toys’
Invented by grandkid girls and boys
A bike to ride across the floor
And an adding machine with tape galore

An old fashioned washing machine
Wring those clothes on through
And the chute for the laundry
Did a kid ever slide down there too?

The German Shepherd dog (Sonja?) was always there
Guarding the homestead as we ran around
Heading to Piggly-Wiggly and the ice cream shop
For kids at play there was fun abound.

The creek where we weren’t supposed to go alone
We managed to find our way there quite often unknown
Christmas with the decorated tree
And always a visit from Santa Claus-who could that be?

My Misty got hit there, on that busy road
And that was a day when many tears flowed.
The Spanish bull-fighter adorned the living room
I dreamed of being the girl in the red dancing costume.

And yes, this was all many years ago
These memories that flood my heart and my soul
A home where I was always welcome and free
To be a child, a girl who grew up to be me.

And it was there, on Grampa’s farm
That I learned to love this man full of charm
His laughter still fills up a room
A hearty and full-bellied laugh, like a boom.
His stories of the past, so enlightening
Some of his experiences in life, downright frightening.
The love he still holds for his wife
Is testimony to the way he’s always lived his life.

This man is my grampa, I’m so proud to say
And it is in this special poetic way
I want to wish him, my special grampa,
A VERY HAPPY 90th BIRTHDAY!!!

I love you, Grampa! Love, Tera

September 19, 2008

How Can We Be A Friend?

This morning when I logged onto the computer, I had a message that I wasn't prepared for. Months ago, I contacted an old friend of mine and she responded, but i haven't heard from her since. Today, I received another email from her, and when I saw her name staring me back from my inbox, a surge of joy spread through me. An old friend, someone I shared a great deal of time with in a very extreme environment, where we clasped arms and walked down the street, a friend with whom I shared a closeness and bond so strong we purchased friendship rings and wore them faithfully. She is someone whom has never left my head...or my heart. And yet, we haven't been in touch since 1995, when I last visited her and she told me that she wasn't in a plce at that moment in time in which she could be my friend. It was hard, yes, but honest. And it wasn't that I wasn't someone she didn't want to be friends with, more that she was experiencing things in her own life that couldn't allow her to be a good friend to me. And so, we broke contact. And still, I thought of her often.

So, there was her name, staring back at me. Like I said, I felt joy that she was again willing to try anew with our relationship. But then, I read the email. And the joy turned to pain and sadness as she told her story of struggles in her life, and her numerous suicide attempts, and how she is, at this moment, planning yet another suicide. She remarked on the fact that she hasn't been in contact sooner, because she has nothing good to offer me, and that she is sorry. As I reread her email again and again, I was struck with the nostalgia of our friendship, the beauty we shared as two women scarred with different issues, yet both searching together to find a place for us in the world. And we did find that place, within each other, and the boundaries of our friendship. But now, that place has been removed, and her struggles are taking over her life, and she can see no way out of the hellhole other than an end to her own life.

When I was younger, I moved to LA. It was not out of excitement for trying out the California lifestyle or wanting to check out another new state on the map. It was a move from sheer need, as I was at a down point in my life and knew that if I didn't do something, I would be gone. I needed help. So, I sought out help after contemplating suicide myself, being so disgusted with the person I was that I could no longer stand to be held in the confines of her body. At that point in my life, my weight issues, which I had dealt with daily from the time I was young, hadd become too much for me to bear. And they were causing an outgoing, fun, beautiful person to become angry, bitter, ugly, and self-conscious. I stayed to myself. I turned into a recluse and hated who I was. When I finally came to terms with the fact that I was headed down the wrong road, I searched out someplace I could get help, dealing with my weight and all the issues that surrounded it. And I found a treatment center in California that dealt specifically with people just like me. So, I rounded up the money from my savings, asked friends to borrow, and bought a plane ticket, leaving my little pooch behind with my parents. I planned to stay about 6 weeks, the allotted amount of time for the treatment program, give or take a few, but I ended up staying over a year. I learned a lot about myself during that time, and the therapy we took part in was intense. I ended up staying nearly 3 months in the treatment center, and after I found a job with one of the men who was also a patient at the center. It was an inpatient treatment center for all eating disorders, from obesity to bulimia and anoerexia. And those people I met during my time in the hospital became very close friends. They knew me from inside out, the very core of my feelings, things that had happened in my lfie that nobody else to this day still knows. It was what I needed, and I started feeling acceptance and love and a genuine desire to live after my stay at the facility. It was here that I met my friend I now speak of, and though I dealt with being overweight, she dealt with bulimia. And though I still suffer from being overweight, she still suffers from bulimia. Eating disorders are not quick to cure. However, I have found happiness, comfort, and my place in the world (at least to some extent...I still have those days where my weight issues are sincere struggles), while my friend has not. She still feels unworthy of hope. She feels unworthy of life. And she feels alone, and scared, and in pain.

So, I wrote her an email back, reminding her of why I thought she was worthy of my friendship, why I care about her, why I hope she will reconsider her suicide plans and try again to find happiness and pece with her life. I told her that she was reaching out by writing to me, that she is strongbecause her body ahs not yet given up, and that I still truly and sincerely care about her. All the while, I was thinking back to walking down the streets of LA with her, arms joins, as we made our way to our favorite frozen yogurt shop, or ducked into a shop to look at the beautiful hand-blown glass. I felt the comfort I had with her, the acceptance, the love, the knowing she was there for me as I was for her...and I didn't know how to tell her, through her pain, how very much she is worth, how much this world needs her, how much she has to offer. To tell her that it really will be okay. That I want to be here for her, that I want to be her friend, that I want to help her through this time. All the years and years she has been abusing not only her body, but also her soul...that we can make it all okay. But how do i tell her, how can I assure her, how can I be the light that helps her shine?

Being a friend is an honor. And I am honored that, even through her pain and all the years that separate us, she has turned to me. I hope beyond hope, that I can help her see that she is worth it.

Dentist

I just returned home from the dentist...for teh second time in a week. I am not one that thrives on going to the dentist. Though I do love the way my mouth feels after a good cleaning, I always get a little nervy when the appointment nears. Especially, when I know it's not just a check-up and cleaning, but to have work done.

So, last week I got a filling, which was right near the roots with the probability of a necessary root canal. I have never had one and it doesn't sound like much fun, so I was hoping the filling would work out okay. And to date, it seems okay, just not perfect. In general, I feel no pain, but every couple days I suddenly get this debilitating crazy ouch pain that lasts for an hour until pain relievers kick in. The dentist told me to just see how it goes, see if I can handle it, and hope that within a few months it's all well.

Today, I had to have a tooth fixed that broke off the day before we left for summer vacation. And he informed me that it's another one of those probable root canal situations. And he loaded me up with numbing shot, but my tooth never really went numb. So, he tries again, waits another 10 minutes, still not numb. He starts drilling anyway and YOWWWW! That hurt like the devil. The squeal that exited my mouth could be heard a few streets further up. But he says: Just another second, come on, you can do this.

And I did. Pain, yes, but it was over in a matter of minutes and he used a whole lotta filling to fix the ole tooth with the hopes of not needing a root canal. We'll see. Anyway, though my tooth never numbed, the side of my cheeks did, and I am sitting here waiting for that weird feelign to go away. I hate drooling! ;-)

So, that's about it from the excitement of my life. I think that's enuf excitement. Sometimes just blending into life without tooo much excitement can be a good thing.

A Whole Lotta Stuff

First and Foremost, let me take just a moment to remember the lives of my fellow Americans seven years ago today. 911, a day that changed the world. A few days back Erwin and I were watching a documentary about 911. He told me that he never had the opportunity to see the twin towers in person. I looked at him in shock and horror. In all of our travels, my husband never had the experience of seeing the New York skyline as it was meant to be. I am thankful that I did. That remembering the way it used to be (in more ways than one) and taking to heart all the lives forever changed, the lives lost, the change that has since taken place in America. My son, just a newborn at the time, now 7 years old, without an awareness of life before 911. But I remember. And I choose to remember.

I took Jari to soccer practice yesterday. 2 other moms were there, 1 from our team, the other from another team. We used to all be incorporated into one team, but they spilt off this year. We moms weré talking, discussing the split teams (something that doesn't bother me in the least, but which seems to threaten every other 'soccer mom'...yeah, you know the ones...that can't go to the bathroom without another mommy there to hold their hand...uh huh). ANyway, the mom from our team told the other mom that she hates the split because she has NOONE to talk to any more. Uhm, HELLO??? Am I NOONE? Do you see me standing here? Am I nothing to you? Talk about feeling hammered into the ground. Made me re-feel all the reasons I do not fit into European life. Made me struggle to keep my head on and not pack my bags for 'home'. I mean really, how utterly rude can a person be? I sincerely wish I had said soemthing at the moment it happened. Instead, I hung my head in shame, my mind a whirlwind of reactions I should have used. Rude, plain and simple.

We have new neighbors. While we were in the states, the new neighbors moved in. They are a young (early 20's) Turkish couple and live upstairs with the plan to rent the downstairs. Anyway, I hadn't had contact with them, until....
I was cutting up a tree we were pruning. They came knocking on my door later that evening and told me that my mess was bothering them. That they like things to be neat and proper, and wanted me to move my mess from the front of their garage. Well, I assured them that I would be cleaning up the mess, but that I planned to finish cutting the tree before I took it all to the dump. And then I sprung on them that actually, the garage they want the mess moved from is illegal and needs to come down. They told me they has asked to have it legalized. Monday morning I went to the city hall and inquired about our rights and whether permission was granted for the garage to stand. It wasn't. I was informed I needed to have a surveyor come and speak with the notary that drew up the paperwork when we purchased our home. So, I called the surveyor and they came...and I discovered that we own more land than I realized and we can take access of all of it (if we choose to be bitchy neighbors, which we won't, but still...). The way our house is divided is a complete disarray and in order to access their yards, both our neighbors need access through our land. And, we are willing to give them that access, as long as they remove the old garage which borders our property...and was placed there illegally and still sits there illegally. Anyway, I so want to go and throw a whole lot of tree branches right on my property (which backs the door to the illegal garage) and make as big a mess as I can, because I can, because it's my land, and the hostile neighbors had NO right to come and tell me to move my mess in the first place. I am happy we're going to get this all corrected, but I am sorry there has to be trouble with the neighbors. Until now, we have loved our neighborhood and direct neighbors, and we all coexist happily...without much interaction other than a friendly hello on ocassion...but now, it seems the war is on. I just hope it doesn't coem down to a court battle. I am really nervous about that happening. But, I am not willing to lose the land I pay taxes for and in which my children could have space to play, and I could grow a bigger garden on. So, I will be fighting for what is rightfully mine.

Today we had family counseling at the psych hospital. It was a difficult appointment for me. They are discovering that Kaeden's reaction to feelings comes in the form of anger. Since he doesn't know how to show sadness, worry, fear, confusion, or anger, he just wallops it all together in a big fit of rage. This made a lot of sense to me...but it still hurts. Now, how to go about helping him to understand emotions. I hope they have some advice to go with the observations. There was a whole lot more that happened during the session, but I 'won't get into all of it. However, Kaeden had a bad day yesterday, which made them try to determine what happened that made him upset, since he can't voice his emotions. It finally came out that mama cried when she told Kaeden goodbye during their visit and he didn't know why she was crying...and it bothered him...and it always bothers him when mama cries, because he doesn't know why mama is crying. And when I was asked to explin it to him, I cried again...and so did my son...which seems to me a very positive reaction in a child who has difficulty showing emotion. I think, as difficult as the session was for all of us, it was also a very rewarding one.

So, we got home to pick Jari up from daycare, where he was instructed to go when school let out. EXCEPT, Jari forgot he was supposed to go to daycare this afternoon...so, there stood my little guy, in the schoolyard waiting for mama, and waiting, and waiting...until finally the teacher waiting with him took him in her car to daycare, still unsure where mama was. Even when I am on track and have everything scheduled out and I'm doing all a mama is supposed to do...well, even then, it sure seems like I manage to screw things up...even when it's not my fault!!! When I asked him if he was sad or scared waiting for me, and Erwin asked if he cried, he said "No, I just had sand in my eyes." I think that says enough, even if it is cute in that sorta sad little boy way.

So, can I possibly fit anythign else on this page? Of course I can!!! :-0 But I'm going to stop here and go rest after a busy day of emotions and more emotions floating in, upon, and around me. Until tomorrow (when the workers will hopefully be replacing the sidewalk that they removed from the front of my house this morning and is now a huge dirt pit in which to fall and bring even more dirt into the house with.....)

No Flow

My words seem to be unable to flow. I am trying to write something special for my grampa's 90th birthday party and I haven't managed to put together a single coherent line...just lots of little thoughts all stuck in mourning in my head, waiting for their place in this wonderful story creation which lives in my brain, but not on paper. I come here to write what's happening and tell the stories of our family and after writing a couple lines I hit the X and close it down, because my thoughts are just not ready to be released into words. My parents called me yesterday and I think they are probably still shaking their heads in confusion. I spoke with them but I am not sure the conversation was a very productive one. Even to my own ears I sounded in a distant land and my thoughts were strangled as I tried to form them into words.

I think my brain is full...full of too much and ready to explode, but not in the meaningful, wordy way I am desiring. Too many thoughts, too many opinions, too many reviews, too many memories...and too little actual writing to release it all.

Feeling Lost

I am home. Yet, things have a very different feel to me after having been in the states on vacation for the past few months. I feel a little lost, really, as if I have been welcomed home, but the home is not my own. I go through the daily rituals of cleaning and cooking and caring for my family, and everything is just where I left it, yet I sometimes turn to the wrong drawer for a spoon or reach into the wrong cupboard for the cleaning solution. Since our arrival home, there has been so much happening, and I feel just gruesomely tired, as if sleep has betrayed me and I could hunker down for months.

But I think it all stems from the absence of my son in our presence. I await 6pm when I can call him, hear his voice, and conclude that he's doing okay. I walk through our home and don't have his clothes, his messes, his backpack to clean up off the floor. And it has made my life less complicated, less worrisome, less stressed, in simple terms. I have one less person in which to consider when making plans, one less person in which to care for. And that's just not how it's supposed to be. I am sincerely and truly missing my first-born son. Since his birth, I have always had him present, creating havok in my home, just as children are wont to do, are supposed to do. And now, I am lost, his mama without the responsibility of being his mama. The only thing that makes me so is those phone calls that offer me just a slight recapture of having him in my presence, in my home, in my life....and the worries about him that never subside for even a nano-second in time, whether here, there, or anywhere.

The positive side to this is the quality time I have been awarded with Jari. He and i have spent numerous hours just being together, playing, craving an undivided attention from his mama which being a second child has never before been granted. He has asked me more questions about autism in the past week than I knew his little mind held. Yesterday, upon his arrival home from school, he said very matter-of-factly: Mama, all people are the same, right? Except people with autism are not the same as everyone else. Cuz they have a different brain, right mom?

It made me wonder what conversation took place at school, what considerations he makes confronted with explaining who people are, what makes a person alive, happy, successful. How does he come to terms with having an autistic brother, being confronted with problems that a child his age should never have to become acquainted with? And yet, is it broadening his view of people, of accepting people with differences, of making him into a non-judgemental being in a world where judgement and superiority reign?

I am feeling just a little secluded from life as I know it. I circle around, looking for myself, trying to find me, discover where I left her when she ran off on vacation numerous weeks prior. She is not here, but in her place a mama, wife, homemaker with the exact same face, same values and morals...with just a little less energy, a little different form of worry, a little more time on her hands. And a deeper understanding of what it means to cherish her children, whether it be in the form of taking them for a bike ride and baking waffles, or making that phone call to tell them goodnight when the six oçlock bell rings.

Happy Birthday Lil Bug

My dear little Jari,

This weekend we celebrated your birthday. The day 7 years ago in which mama gave birth to my littlest pride and joy, bringing with you a complete picture to our family portrait. And in the past seven years, your presence in our family has been one of importance as your smile lights up the lives of all the rest of us.

Jari, I couldn't love you any more than I do. You are so full of wit and you have the power to make mama laugh more than anyone else in the world. I can be in your presence and for no reason at all, other than you, I start to giggle and laugh and smile, unable to control the happiness that emanates from me. You are so very introspective, and watching you decipher the world and it's workings makes me take a second look at what is going on as well...just how does this all work and come together?

Sometimes I get annoyed with you. You can never come to me and ask when you have a question, but scream from wherever you happen to be "Mama! MAAAMMMAAAA! MMMMMAAAAAMMMMMAAAAAAA!!!" until I inevitably make my way to your side and can hear what it is that you need. Or the way you throw yourself upon the ground, wherever you are, when something isn't to your liking. "I can't walk. I can't carry my bag. I can't...I can't...I can't" all the while lying upon the ground or floor rolling around as if in pain. And the seatbelt issue. My dear son, since your birth, you have been required to wear a seatbelt. Put it on already and be safe. Even if you have travel sickness, that is no excuse to not wear your safety belt in the car. And no, it's not safe if you have it stretched 100 miles long wrapped only around your big toe.

But there are other things in which take away every annoyment we pass throughout the day. "Mama, may I help you cut the fruit? Mama, will you please come play soccer with me? Mama, can I help you fold the clothes? Mama, would you read me this story?" And then, there is bedtime, when my favorite moment of the day is upon us, snuggling together in bed when I read you your chosen book, and you tell me all about the story in your own words after each page. And often, halfway through the book, something else crosses your mind and we spend ten minutes just discussing something that we did, something that made you happy, something you are excited about. And then, as fast as the conversation began, you suddenly tell me to finish the story, my mind in a whirlwind. After the light is out I begin to sing, all your favorite bedtime songs, and without doubt you will tell me "Mama, the two dinosaurs and Sanomi and then one extra bonus, k?" as I hear sleep begin to overtake you. But still, you wiggle, first left and then right and then your feet between my legs and then all the covers shoved off and then rolling toward me. And always, always, I await the coming moment, when your arm wraps around my neck and pulls me close and I can feel your sweet breath on my face as I softly sing into your ear and feel a total sense of peace envelop me, snuggled there next to you. Until you fall asleep and I can't bring myself to leave, because I am lying next to you with the strongest feeling of love I could begin to muster and I don't want to move, to break the spell, and often, I just fall asleep there next to you until Papa comes and wakes me later, and we've both shifted positions, and as I get up I give you a last goodnight kiss and tell you I love you and to have sweet dreams as your eyelashes flutter against my cheeks in response.

Every bathtime, I get glasses of bubbly beer from you, in which I have to pay 5 cents and you giggle as the bubbles foam against my lips and I pleasure you in taking a slug of the brew you have created. Or the times when we bathe together and play games with all the animals, and you sometimes squeal out "Mama, scoot over, you're taking alllllll my space" which I usually am.

How about the times you tell me I am the prettiest mama from all the kids in your class, except for Xander's mama.

Or how about when I hear you tromping downstairs and you appear at my side, a game in your hands, and ask with your big blue eyes looking at me pleadingly "Mama, will you play this with me?"

Yes, my little bug, you turned seven years old. Seven years of life, just the beginning. And I am so glad, for I want to share so much more with you, so many more smiles, so many more snuggles, so many more playdates and household chores together. Happy Birthday my darling son. May life be as happy for you as you have been for me. I love you. I couldn't love you even one tiny drop more.

Love Always, Mama XO

Our First Psych Visit

We arrived at KPC at 3:25 after taking Jari to play at Bokrijk for an hour. Our appointment with the psychologist was at 3:30 and we were immediately sent to the waiting room and quickly received. As we entered the therapy room, my nerves were standing on end. And just as I was wondering what brought us to this point, we were seated and the therapist asked "So, what's brought you to this point in your family and with Kaeden that you're now sitting here with me?" Good question I thought, as all the reasons bounced from one end of my brain to the other. And then, as fast as they bounced through my head, those reasons came bounding forth, out of my mouth, spit-fire reasons all of which I wasn't even aware.

Our session lasted an hour. An hour recreating the havok in our home, the pain and toil of dealing with each other and our son, the problems we each see within our family unit, all the possible reasons for the pain and fear and anger that brought us to those seats at an inpatient psychiatric hospital. It was mind-boggling, but freeing. It brought more to the top than I ever even previously considered. How does our son deal with his feelings? It isn't in words, as he ins't much of a talker...and I'm not sure he could be even if he wished it so. Autism causes putting words together in coherent thoughts to be nearly mind-shattering. And understanding words just as much a game within your head. So, how does Kaeden release his feelings? He doesn't, unless it is in his tantrums, his angry words, his brittle moods and shattering outlashes.

And then, after all was said and done, the stage set for his stay and what needs to be addressed during his treatment, they brought Kaeden into us, to discuss what we had discussed. It broke my heart, as he sat across from us, his eyes never focusing on our faces, his breath a sigh and his "Oh, GAWD" as he entered the room and saw us seated in the chairs. It wasn't the reunion I was hoping to have with my first-born after relesing him to a treatment center for a month. It wasn't the reunion I hoped to have as I imagined a big hug and him falling into my arms, the needy little boy I once knew replaced by a tough and yet unsure teenager. And instead, I sat on the chair, stroking Jari's hair, feeling his body comfort mine , as I watched Kaeden from across the room, wishing that he was again 6 years old, when the numerous problems were just beginning to manifest and show their destructive side. And grateful that I had yet another son, one just as precious, just as 100% mine, to keep me centered, keep me focused on why we have to do this, why we were sitting there in those chairs with a psychologist and counselor invading our family unit, helping us to speak about all the evils we need assistance in fixing, dealing with, and moving forward.

We had the chance to visit Kaeden in his room after the appointment. I cleaned up his mess a bit and then lay on his bed as the background music of my family playing a card game rang through my ears. And I fell into a peaceful sleep there on his bed, laying on his blankie from that time long ago when just the two of us were a family and we stayed in a shelter for battered women, and when we left he received a handmade patchwork quilt with ducks, which has been carried with us everywhere we go since. And the music of my family together in that little room gave me hope for our future, a chance encounter with what can be our future; peaceful, easy, laughter and the four of us, no longer scared, no longer in pain, but comfy and secure in being together.

We're Home

Hello! We made it home just as a taxi crashed into Dusseldorf airport. Erwin and my in-laws saw it just after it happened. We were lucky to have gotten off the plane and out of Germany. It was a strange sight to see, ending our trip on an exciting note.

As for home, yes, we are. We haven't gotten our normal sleep patterns back, but I suppose that is bound to change in the coming day, as we're getting back into the reality of life. Today we watched Jari win his soccer game with his new team, we celebrated opa's birthday with a BBQ, and tomorrow Erwin heads back to work for the first day in a month. And, tomorrow I send my baby off to the hospital for his inpatient treatment for a month. I was excited about it until now, and now all I feel is numb. I was packing his suitcase and can't even begin to describe how very lonely I felt. I am glad Kaeden is excited about his newest adventure, because at this moment in time I can't even begin to fathom it being an exciting journey. I guess all I can do is hope for a positive outcome for him and our family. But it makes me sad that this child I have carried in my womb, given life and love to, is taking his wings and flying off into the great big world for the first time, but heading off to a psychiatric facility for treatment. I am going to need strength in the coming days as I try to erase this worry from my mind and face. Hopefully as I see help and changes occurring, I will find peace with our decision. Still, as I tucked his stuffed animals into his suitcase, I couldn't help but feel empty, abandoned, and scared. And, he's not even yet gone.

Anyway, I have so much more to tell and share and assess from my 7 weeks away from home. But yes, I am home, and I will be back soon.

46 Degrees F/ 8 Degrees C

Hard to believe, but I am wearing a sweatshirt, long pants, and a jacket today. BRRRRRRR. It is cold! How can it be that 2 days ago my kids were running around on the top of the rocks where Erwin and I married with just a tank top, and today it's freezing and we need jackets. Amazing, the weather pattern. But, I am not about to complain, because this vacation has been 100% good. I am happy, my family is happy, my friends are happy, and life is good. So, no way I'm gonna let a little ole bit of cold weather damper my spirits.

Our trip on the houseboat at Lake Powell? Oh my gosh, that is a story times 3 in itself. Let's just mention a boat crashing, SOS calls, and no gas. And then, to top it all off, it was a complete and total blast. Even Erwin, who was most hesitant about our boating adventures, wouldn't mind a repeat expedition. Yes, it was terrific. Truly an unforgettable vacation. No, we won't be forgetting any of it. And yes, it seems that my brother and his family and ours is reunited, which may be the best experience I have had on this trip to the US. In any case, it was terrific.

And then, Erwin and I shared our 5th Anniversary trip to Vegas, Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, and Zion Park. And we had a great time just the two of us. Eating out at Subway one night, our actual anniversary dinner, we had the added bonus of a mouse who came right to us. I finished the evening standing on the table with a squeal. But I can't even begin to descibe how much a trip like this rekindled our relationship and made me fall in love with my husband all over again. The views were beautiful and it was a wonderful way to spend some alone time together. In Vegas, we came out $20 behind, but that was good enough for us. Too bad Erwin was winning and I lost...but he was thrilled with winning his Hooters owl.

As for the rest, I'll leave it for another day. We have only a few days of vacation left and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest. Spending time with my parents has been a treat, and I love watching my boys and them play and laugh together. Soon we'll be home once again and back to the routine of life. I'll be in touch then. But for now, Happy Autumn from Wyoming. BRRRRR!

I Know, I Know

but the internet here is SO SLOW!!! I haven't been getting online much, and when i do it is so utterly slow it isn't worth the effort. Still, I thought I had better at least check in.

So, here are a few tidbits of what ahs been happening around here:

• I made it to the doctor today: $200 later and I have a prescription for an ear infection and strep throat. Yuck. It better make me feel better, and I hope my insurance will reimburse me.
• I got to spend the weekend with my best girliefriend and she is still as wonderful as ever. It was so good to catch up and be with her. I really miss her like crazy when we are apart.
• We made it to Frontier Days and the kids had a rip-roarin' good time. They both managed to go through their $20 quick playing those kid-hungry carnival games. But their smiles were worth the pitiful stuffed animals and plastic junk they received.
• It is fun to be home with my mom and dad. My kids are scared of their house, as it is still torn up from the tornado. They won't even go pee without someone coming along. At least we have one room in which we can sleep, but everytime the wind blows, Jari tenses up and clings to mommy, fearful of another tornado. It's truly sad to see your childhood home ripped to pieces as mine is. But, it's still good to be home sweet home.
• The mountains, the millions of stars, the sunsets, the perfect weather, the happy smiling customers that are my friends, the neighbors offering horse rides and the wide, open highways....this is home. I have missed it. But now, I am savoring it. I will savor it until I part it again.
• My brother and his family have been in contact with me and mine. What could be the oddest, most hurtful reunion has gone much better than I had hoped. No, details are not ironed out, nor do I expect them to be during this visit, but I have seen my niece, my nephew, and my children playing, smiling, and laughing together. I have felt my brother hug me tight, and laughed with my sister-in-law. It seems cowardly to just let all the hurt go, but those few moments of feeling a part of their lives again may be all I really do need...it isn't being a coward, it is being a peace-negotiator. For now, that's what I need.
• Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow, the sun'll come out tomorrow...CUZ I get to see my husband again after 4 long weeks away. I have, as every time we are apart, come to recognize again all that he means to me, all I seem to take for granted oveer the course of our day to day lives. I can't wait to be reunited with the love of my life, and share this sweet home I am fortunate enough to rediscover. My family, all four of us, sharing the culture, life, and love of my childhood...that piece that will never leave me, that piece that formed me, that little girl who is now woman, still holding onto all of this, yet opening it all up to another complete world.
• I am home. Tomorrow, I will be home and complete. I have perfection at the tip of my fingertips...a perfect summer vacation.

The Witching Hour

Yes, the story is real...the good witch, the bad witch, the witch of the west, the witch of the south...all those witches. Well, here in the Wisconsin farmlands live a few witches. Just ask Jari. And yeah, they're a little scary, but mostly just pretty darn intriguing. Tonight we took a ride to witch Priscilla's house, an old deserted school house down the road. We walked into the dilapidated old building and brave little Jari searched for Priscilla. He wanted to share a cup of eye ball tea with her. Well, we didn't find her, but she found us and captured mommy and threw mommy into the closet. Jari was ready to save mommy and came in search of me when witch Priscilla threw me out from the secret door and we left her house in a hurry. Her long black hair had captured me like a spiderweb.

Well, fast-forward an hour...witch Priscilla (aka Great Aunt Joanne) dressed in her black cape best and pointy witchy hat and ran off into the forest. When we went on a little walk to see the woods, witch Priscilla chanted from among the trees. And scared the living begeebuz out of brave little Jari. The picture of fear was etched on his face as he clung to mommy as I assured him it was Aunt Joanne. As I tried to reassure him that it was okay, just a funny joke, but he was having a difficult time believeing me. He finally ran back through the path into the garden where he ran into Uncle Scott. Witch Priscilla is now a thing of the past....and I hope that the racing fear beating through his heart is now soothed with lots of hugs and cuddles and extra handfuls of candy. He says he is okay...and I believe he is...but never again will I let a witch capture my son in fantastical fear. What was all good fun, ended in disatser...but even so, Jari is still thinking about going back to Witch Priscilla's house and share a cup of eyeball tea with her. The disaster is over and out.

In other news, I watched cat Mystic pounce on a mouse and then eat it up by the front door. It's tail hanging from her mouth she looked up at me...and it just totally grossed me out. Yeah, I grasp the concept of the circle of life, predators and prey, but still...ya know?! And then, when it wa the middle of the night and I was sound asleep on my pillow, I felt something laying next to me. It was the cat, with the mouse tail a vision perpetrating my eyeballs, and I shoved her out of my bed...EWWWWWW!!! I love animals, but just EWWWWW!!!!

So, we're having a grand adventure. Witch Priscilla (aka Great AUnt Joanne) is playing a card game with brave little Jari...trying to make up for our plunder this afternoon. And me, well, I can now laugh as Jari's face is again the face of a peaceful, happy little boy. And that's what really makes a mam's heart smile. (and a Great Aunt Joanne aka Witch Priscilla as well.)

How It Feels

You know what an amazing feeling it is to watch my son run up to his great gramma and encase her in a hug? Or to watch my son swimming in a pool, laughter sparkling across his face as he splashes water at his uncle? Or to wake up in the morning and hear the words "Where is my hug from my favorite boy?" asked by a favorite auntie? Or to be able to throw out a joke and roar in laughter as we all sit around a camping site fire pit sharing beer, happiness, and comforts of family? Or to drive up to the beach and watch a cousin wave as they see you pull up after years between visits?

This has been an amazing journey for me. I watch slightly from afar, as if my body and mind are on two separate planets. The level of comfort I feel here, sharing this time with my family, has given me something more than words can begin to explain. It isn't about all the fun stuff we've been enjoying, but more in the fact that we're able to share these special times. I am able to crack a joke and laugh on the spur of a moment. I don't have to think to speak and be understood, but it's an easy natural-ness that clings to me from within. And then reaches outward where I am able to be completely me...sometimes serious, sometimes sassy, sometimes just silly. It is so easy, so freeing, so spectacular!

My boys are so completely at ease. Even my little shy boy has been enveloped in acceptance and love, and he is coming into his own in this somewhat foreign place. But love knows no boundaries and he is completely encased in love, by all of these people that share their place in my family. Kaeden has had not a single episode since our arrival, as he basks in the support of these people that accept him for all he is, without judgement, without desire for him to be something he is not. Both my children are in their element, being a bit spoiled, but in return learning to show manners in the English language which they seem so completely familiar with all these thousands of miles away from their home and beds and toys. This all amazes me as I watch from my other planet within myself.

I am home. And yet, it is no longer home. What makes this place home is the comfort, support, and acceptance of the people I love, and return the love I give. This journey, thus far, has far exceded my every hope...and all those fears are but a memory in the distance. I am home. I am loved. And I am completely and truly and freely me.

All About Mama

The past week I have been busy. And it's been all fun stuff in which I have immensely enjoyed. Monday I had my yearly BBQ with my choir. We rode bikes through the countryside and ended up at one of the choir members houses for a terrific BBQ and lots of laughter and silly singing and I managed to make it home after the bottles of wine were flowing, but my bike sure wasn't heading in a straight line. I fell into bed around 2am.

Friday my girlfriends and I celebrated my and my friend Amanda's summer birthdays with a Greek dinner out, heading to Sex in the City in which there was lots of laughter, and listening briefly to the music playing during the music festival throughout the city. I was certainly spoiled and it was lots of fun being out with the girls. The conversation never ceases, the jokes and laughter are abundant, and hugs at the end of the night complete the feeling of being loved. Thanks for your friendship, my girliefriends!! I crashed into bed at 3am.

Sturday, we packed up our car with all our camping gear and headed out on a last European jaunt as a family before our trip to America. We managed to take in two museums which were magnificent and loaded with activites for the kids, watched the boys dive in the pool for a first sumemr swim, and played soccer on the field in front of our tents. The weather was perfect, and so were the smiles and fun we shared together. It couldn't have been better, and mama didn't have to cook!

Sunday we stopped by my in-laws house for a farewell party before we leave. There were Dutch and American streamers decorating the garden and the BBQ was all set up for a delicious feast. I shared a bottle of wine with opa and the tables were filled with a sense of comfort and home, fitting in as a member of a wonderful family. I blew out the candles on my cake and was spoiled with lots of special gifts for my birthday. And my boys couldn't have been more happy as the money bags they made at a museum were filled to overflowing with lots of money...rewards for good report cards, a treat for the trip, the emptying of the piggy bank to supply our little ones with a larger bank account. It was a very good evening.

We amde it home in time to watch the final game of the European Championships and I was happy when Spain won, even though nothing would have completed the happiness of the past week better than having Nederland in the finals. Still, I won't complain. I have been blessed time and time again with special treasures in my life, and these celebrations are just the tip of the iceberg. Now, it's time to get my suitcases packed, clean up the house, and head off to my other home, where more fun, more family, and more gifts of love and acceptance await me. I have a lot to do, but once I arrive on American soil, I'll feel the passion of truly being home. And what a treat that is sure to be.

So, my blog may be neglected and I may not get to read my faves as often as I normally do, but I promise you'll hear all about it when I am once again home sweet home...whatever that really means. I'll try to send a few updates when I can be online, but mostly, I'm just planning to enjoy my family and my kids in the summer sun, playing, recharging, and just being me. Until late August...have a super summer!!!

School Stuff

I am such a proud mommy!!! Got both my boys' school reports and they both had terrific reports. Makes me very happy. Jari is moving on to second grade, while, get this, Kaeden hits high school (7th grade for us Americans). Last night we attended Kaeden's grade school graduation and I couldn't help but choke back a few tears. The director gave her little speech and Jari had me cracking up again. She mentioned in her speech about having helped these little people grow up and stand on their own legs...I look over at Jari and see him standing there one foot held high as he tells me that he can stand on just one leg! At least he was listening even if the meaning went right out the other ear! kaeden was very subdued the entire evening. It was what I refer to an autistic event. I couldn't touch him without him pulling away, couldn't congratulate him without him staring through me. But it was still very meaningful and he wouldn't allow his diploma to leave his hands. What hit me the most was when the director mentioned the faith and trust we put in the teachers and the school. While my faith slacked numerous times throughout this past year, I still gave my child over to these people I barely knew. His emotional, mental, and physical health was in their hands. And he came out stronger than when he entered. And I came to know and respect two amazing women. Teachers are amazing people. They have hearts of gold, and the amount of love and commitment they give our children is outstanding. It is a very honorable profession, and I am glad I was able to be part of that life, if only shortly. I miss being in a classroom, interacting with children, helping them learn and watching them grow. Being the one they come to when they scrpae their knee, or asking with help tying their shoe. I miss the daily contact with children, being seen as a hero in their eyes. But, I am so grateful both our children had teachers who gave so much to help our boys be their best. Thank you! So, one day to go and summer vacation is upon us. The sun is definitely marking this special time of year. This afternoon Jari's bookbag was filled to the brim with all of his workbooks and goodies. Earlier in the week, Kaeden struggled carrying his backpack home. I look through their work and can't believe the amount of learning that is accomplished in one short school year. How much knowledge they have acquired, how much they have been subjected to. And then I think about my own childhood days of books and pens and paper and school, and know just how far they have yet to go, how much more they will learn, not from books and papers, but from life experiences. And one I will never forget is standing in a room filled with parents, teachers, and graduates, all relieved and proud, taking a step into another new adventure, more experiences, more learning and more life.

Congratulations My Riley Boy!!!

The Test Report

Jari came home with his end of year tests and report card today. He's a champ when it comes to school work and we have no reason (at this point) to have any worries. What we do have reason to do, with that son of ours, is laugh uncontrollably until tears flow down our face. So, I was looking over his test with him. Few errors, but the ones he made were careless, stupid little things...reason for me to believe he just wasn't in the mood kind of mistakes. So, no real big deal. Suddenly I get to a page of math. Halving and doubling numbers. The top portion of the test is perfect...the bottom portion, oh, not so much. He has 4 errors out of 10 questions. Not something consistent with his normal self. And then I see 'the note'. On the portion of the page for teachers comments, in little boy Jari handwriting is a note: Well Done! 0 Wrong! (and I might add that Well Done was misspelled as well...spelled how it sounds, but still incorrect, just to give you a visual!) ***Goed Gudaan! 0 F!

And on top of Jari's perfect handwriting in the teacher box, is his note all crossed out in red pen with two !! exclamation points after his words!

I don't think Mrs. Teacher was impressed with his mistakes...but oh, how he made me laugh. I can only imagine, the entire time he's taking his test, just waiting to be done with it so he can pen in his note, worrying not about the correct answers, but thinking about the little score he's going to give himself...his mind not on math, but his view of his perfection! He is going to break some hearts sometime. He's already done one (mama's) in for good. But the teacher, ehhh, I'm not SOOOO sure?!

It Stinks!

Tonight, as I tucked Jari into bed, he couldn't get comfy...it was twist and turn and upside down and rightside up and just plain ole nothing is gonna work tonight. Granted, it is a HOT and HUMID day, almost too much to bear for anyone. And even though I kept all the windows closed up and curtains pulled, it's still a bit smothering. Anyway, Jari finally sits up, looks me in the eye, and says "Mama, I can't sleep. All I can smell is Kaeden." I couldn't stop laughing. Especially since I took Jari's pillow that Kaeden was laying on last night during the game and put it back on Jari's bed earlier today. So, now we know...Jari knows how Kaeden stinks!!! And he can't sleep with the smell of his brother slumbering in his bed. The giggles are still penetrating my soul (and face)...

It's OVER :-(

I did my best to kick and yell and scream, but it just wasn't enough. Tonight Nederland lost in the quarter finals against Russia. It may seem completely pathetic, but I am heartbroken. The orange fever overtook me and I thought we had this cup in the palm of our hands...and now, we go away with nothing. Nothing but memories of a poorly played game and all the what-ifs...and I can clean up all the orange fever paraphernalia littering our home as I kick and yell and scream some more, but this time in disappointment. I wonder how my husband is feeling, celebrating this game on his yearly trip with his oldest friends, cheering on his country, and falling short...I'm sure the beer will be flowing to mend a few of the broken dreams. Too bad it won't be flowing in celebration instead. Too bad, so sad....

Until Next Time My Fellow Nederlanders...when we'll be smiling at the END of the game instead of just at the beginning...

Out In 'De Peel'

Wednesday I needed to get away from the daily ritual of life. I took Erwin to the train station, went grocery shopping, and watched wildlife wandering along the road on my way home. When the kids both arrived home, we took a picnic lunch to one of my favorite nature areas in Holland, went on a walking adventure, and played hide and seek among the plants and trees. There are long wooden bridges which forge a gap between wet, muddy shoes and the swamp lands. There is a tower to climb and see miles upon miles of grasses and heather, and the wildlife is abound. We saw many frogs, bugs, birds, dragonflies, horses, cows...and with the sun shining and a breeze blowing, it was the perfect remedy for a brittle soul. Here are pictures of our day out in De Grote Peel...the swamplands of Holland, the freelands of my soul.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grote_Peel

Airfare Schmucks!

I'm a bit peeved today. We're having some major internet issues, and nothing is working smoothly. No fun to be online. So to those bloggers I normally read and share my thoughts with, sorry, but until this mess gets cleaned up, I can barely even make it into a site. It took me hours just to open up this page today, and it just ain't worth the trouble!!! Hopefully we'll be back to normal soon.

But, what's got me even more peeved? Yeah, all these new airline changes they are implementing. No more free drinks, no more free baggage, no more free nothin'. I just can't sit back and let this all go by unnoticed. The cost of airfares has managed to increase greatly with the rise of fuel costs. I get that. As much as I don't like the fact we paid over 2 months salary for a summer vacation (ahem, just the airfare, I mean), I understand that the cost of flying has to increase with the rises in fuel costs. That isn't the issue here. But why all the extra charges for baggage? Why am I being penalized for bringing my clothes, toothbrushes, and stuff I need with me? Why, when I am sitting in an airplane for hours on end should I not be given a drink to 1) cure the thirst that comes fom flying in a cramped, stuffy quarter for hours on end 2) distract me from the boredom of flying for a spell and 3) give me something to excite my kids about and keep them good at least as long as it takes for them to get their free drink...and cola at that! (my kids do not get to drink soft drinks on a regular basis)? If I were allowed to bring a drink with me on the plance, it wouldn't be so bad. But with all the new security measures, I can't even do that. Don't get me wrong, I am glad security is improved and I don't complain that I have to remove my shoes, leave all the bottle of lotion at home, and be nearly strip-searched when I beep. And I don't even mind that I can't bring a drink with me...that is, until I am forced to BUY one on the plane. I didn't even mind when they quit serving meals on flights...so, we can eat before we leave or when we arrive...but when it comes to the sacred issue of a chug of replenishing and fresh water, I think things are being taken too far.

As for the luggage...they were already getting really picky with weight limits. First the approved weight was lowered, then they started weighing each piece forcing you to remove articles of clothing and rearrange bags to meet the standards, and now...I am allowed 1 carry o and 1 piece of luggage for free. After that it's $25 for the first extra piece and $100 for each thereafter. Now, I am traveling for 2 months with 2 children across America and back across the ocean again. I need more than the usual traveler needs. Maybe I sometimes pack too much that isn't necessary, sometimes I bring too many treats from Europe back to America with me, and sometimes I buy way too much junk in the US and have to transport it all home again. But the fact is that the bare minimum they have reduced our luggage allotments to are much too disciplined. It doesn't seem fair to be penalized for what we have always taken for granted as a traveler. Air travel is going to take a hit when all these changes go into effect. People are not going to be happy with the higher costs of travel. People are going to think twice about hopping on a plane when they realize that adding the reservation costs, luggage costs, boarding costs, drink costs, and tips to stewards is going to add an extra $300 onto the already high cost of their trip. And don't even get me started on the super greal deal of frequent flyer miles-HA!

What I am saying is that maybe not ALL airlines are followingthese new guidelines, maybe not all destinations have the same rules, maybe not all....but it is starting, and I will be one of the first affected by these changes...changes which I consider unjust and unfair. And yeah, I will end up paying the fees, because what else can I do. But I canguarantee you that I will be grumbling, the people at the gates and theose that check in tickets are going to be dealing with a LOT of unhappy customers. And when I accidentally spill 3 sticky, wet $2 colas on the seat of the plane and in the stool pocket in the seat in front of me, it'll be the best $6 I spent on my flight.

All About Kaeden

This weekend was Kaeden's end of year school party. He was excited about getting to go and partake in all the games, sit out and have a drink on his school grounds with his family, just share his school experience with mama, papa, Jari, oma and opa. Unfortunately, the weather gods were not with us. Dark grey clouds filled the sky and the ground became a mass of cold, wet puddles. Not at all the type of day he was anticipating. Not at all the type of day to go and enjoy a school party.

Still, Kaeden and I went early. His class was involved in the yearly play and we wanted to watch them dance and sing and say their lines. No, my son was not involved. Due to his behavior issues this year, his teachers felt that it was not something in which he could complete, and that was enough to put me on edge and settle me into a state of discomfort. I chose not to argue the point, but just let it be. Afterall, he really has had a lot of troubles at school, and I am not the one who has to deal with all the harrassment. With a group of autistic children, anything and everything coud go amiss, and why create an even greater stress for him and his teachers. So, we went to watch. We got there 20 minutes early and headed to the auditorium. Upon our arrival, the doors closed in front of us and we were informed that the auditorium was full. I was disappointed. Kaeden was disappointed. But there was nothing to do...20 minutes extra at a school play and it was full...do you know HOW big the school auditorium is? It is huge. And I am amazed that SO many people show up to share this day with their children. I am so glad that these little people, each with a handicap, each struggling to fit into society, are rewarded with the support and love of their families...so much support that we couldn't even fit in the room.

So, we waited for papa and Jari, oma and opa to join us at Kaeden's school, while we wandered around looking at displays, prsentations, and what all was offered. We had the oportunity to go into the high school, and I observed all the classes in which Kaeden will join in next year. I was so set against him being placed in a lower level educational bracket than the one I know that he could complete. This has had me tied in knots for months, but I finally gave in and agreed to place him in the lower level classes...simply, again, due to his behavior issues. See a pattern here? Behavior issues get in way of his success and opportunity...time and time again. Dang! Anyway, going into the classrooms, seeing the projexts and assignments, lessened my obstinate nature. It looks as if he will have things to do, challenges to complete, fun and work a good balance. As much as I would still love for him to work hard and be his best, seeing the classes in action gave me a better feeling than I have had about our decision in months. I think it will suit him, for now, until he finds his way and learns to fight through his autism, rather than crerate upheavel and disruption trying to figure it all out.

So, we bought tickets, the kids played a couple games, they ate a couple waffles, and we visited the store with handmade goodies. And then we came home to a Father's Day BBQ...in the rain and cold, but still yummy and wonderful being with those we care about...our family. And that is what is meaningful in life. Whether you are an autistic kid trying to figure out the world, or a mama fighting for what is best for her child, or a grampa just there to be supportive and see his grandchild on Father's Day, family and love and being there for one another is all that really and truly matters. The rest aways just falls into place, somehow, somewhere...but it's family that really makes all the difference. Feling a part of somehing, feeling secure, feeling loved and treasured...the only thing thmtters, th only thing important, the only thing we really and truly need.

The Weirdness of Me

I'm feeling so weird the last days...as if another person has come and sort of overtaken my body, my mind, and my soul. It's not a bad thing, neccessarily, but it's a bit unnerving. I'm not sure where I begin and where I end, and because of that I feel a bit confused and disrupted...life feels a bit different.

There are just little things. Like, I have been baking nearly every day and creating different kinds of meals for dinner...not the normal Tera mix it all together and taste all those flavors on your tongue, but making marinades and trying different herbs and cooking with wine and adding fruit to sauces. I've made fruit bread, muffins, fudge, and special puddings. And it just feels kind of strange, this new kitchen goddess that has come to live within the confines of my body.

And then there are the naps. I haven't so much been tired, really, but every day I need to take a nap. I set my little timer for 20 minutes and usually reset it 3 times. I don't even really fall asleep, but lay in my bed with my eyes closed, listening to all the sounds of construction outside my window, smelling the thick, fresh tar as it becomes a road in which we can actually drive on. I lay there in my bed with no thoughts, just focusing on the moments as I rest. It makes me feel a bit old, and even older as I always have to get up to pee, cutting my nap a bit short, hurriedly running downstairs.

I haven't stopped thinking about our trip to the Consulate in Antwerpen. We had to renew Kaeden's passport and while there we noticed again the photo requirements for passports. I was completely surprised to notice that while I had to get retakes because my face wasn't completely showing centered, my hair covering my ears a bit, my eyebrows not completely visible, that muslim people ahve the right to wear their shawls and turbans, the rounds of their face contour just showing beyond their headgear. Things like this would never have bothered me in my past life, but today I feel a sort of fear lingering behind my eyelids. I have never been a judgemental person, but I recognize a form of this taking shape in my life. It seems as though little signs of this are peeping up everywhere I look. I'm not sure I am happy with these changes, but I am more aware. I'm aware of the problems religion delivers in any and all walks of life. And I don't agree with the rulings the government has made concerning rights of muslim people. Maybe next time I renew my passport I will wear a shawl...at least it wouldn't matter if I had a bad hair day. I'm just slightly more aware of the world around me.

I haven't been able to speak with my parents regularly as I normally do. Yes, my dad has a cell phone, but no, he doesn't always have service. I am used to calling my mom up just to chat anytime I get the urge. With them busily trying to repair the damages from the tornado, their business still closed, they still homeless, I don't have that connection and it makes me feel aware of the distance, the road each life takes, which is a differing path than the next person. I feel a bit loney for the bond with my parents that has been missing these past few weeks. And as they work to restore their home business, and life, I am here on the other side of the world, going through the daily business of life as always. It makes me realize just how apart we are, the giant leap I took to step back from my previous life and enter this here in Europe. I have it much easier than I did in the states. But maybe a bit too easy? I don't handle the stress of situations and life as easily as I have in the past.

My son informed me that all I ever do is yell at him. Which is somewhat true, when I think back to our days. It is hard to stay sane and calm when someone is always pushing your boundaries. So, I have made it my goal to be more patient, more understanding, a litle bit more relaxed. I haven't yelled nearly as often since I have become aware of his take on our relationship. But I still can't get him to listen, to follow-through, to make his effort in helping me achieve my goals, which ultimately help him. But I do not like the mom I have become, forever nagging, yelling, getting irritated an irate. I like this me better...just keeping check of myself and my emotions, and trying to recognize what it does to those around me. Our home has been a bit quieter and a bit more peaceful.

I've been thinking a lot about my trip home, to America, quickly approaching this summer. I have this little niggling feeling inside me every time I consider it. I don't know what the feeling is, I have never had it before. It isn't fear, it isn't excitement, it isn't happiness or pain. But it sits there all the time, working at me from inside out. I consider all the money, the time, the preparation for this voyage overseas, and it makes me wonder where I stand in my life. Will I ever be completely content in one life or another? Have I opened myself to the possibility that my home is now here in Europe, with my husband and my children, our home, car and pets? With no 24 hour shopping and few drive through fast food joints, with delicious fresh bread and Sunday outings, vacation plans and the high cost of fuel? The things I used to miss from home have been replaced by my substitutions here. The only thing holding me to America is my family, and this thought that I owe my due of being patriotic to the land which was my first home, the land which helped to create the person I am today. Yet, my ideals lie a bit more European at this point in my life. This niggling feeling...where do I stand as an American?

And finally, voetbal, als known as soccer. It has become a passion of mine. Especially with the European championships in full swing, I am so engrossed in all that is happening in the world of this sport. I watch the games, I play with my son, I read the news, I watch my competition...and I feel strange about all of this. Yes, as a girl I played soccer. I was on the first team our high school ever had. I enjoyed it, but wasn't passionate. I have never been passionate about a sport, but payed them all and enjoyed doing so. But now, I have this passion about a sport. My adrenaline roars as I consider the next game Nederland will be playing on Friday. Will we become European champions? I decorated my home, I created orange meals, I painted the flag on my face...and it's almost as if I believe this will all help Nederland to be their best, kick their balls a little harder, score a few more goals. It's just a game, a sport...but it's so much more...a country coming together in support of their land, their countrymen, the colors of teir royalty. And I fit in. I am a part.

So, what is different about me? It's just these little things, and a whole lot more. But in some small, weird way, I think I am finally adjusting. After 8 years, I feel a new sense of me. I feel as if maybe, just maybe, I am home. And that maybe, just maybe, I am where I belong.

Father's Day

I dedicate this post to my husband, the father of our two challenging boys, the same of whom bring us so many smiles...and give us reason to celebrate Father's Day! Happy Father's Day to the best papa in the world. We love you! But, what is it about you that we love?

I love the way you play soccer with Jari every chance you get. Even when he's whining to play more, more, more, you still take you few free minutes to kick him a few balls...he thinks you are his soccer hero. I love that.

I love the way you attend all of Kaeden's important appointments with me. Often, it gives me great insight into how much you truly care about our son. Though the two of you have a somewhat turmultous relationship, when I hear you state his positive qualities during these appointments, it fills my heart with faith and love.

I love how open you are to all our family days out. Our children are seeing so much and doing so many activities that many children don't have the chance to be involved in. Whether it is a visit to a zoo or park, a walk in the woods, family movie night, family game night, a trip to the car races, a camping trip, a giant parade or just a visit to family, we are always on the go during the weekends. We may not get a lot accomplished at home, but as a family, we are growing, and our children are learning from all they are able to see and do.

I love how you hang posters of flags of the world, play geography games, and teach our children that there is a world much greater than the little corner in which we live. Our children are growing up to be knowledgeable about other people, cultures, and countries. This is something I was never given the opportunity to learn as a child, and I am happy that my children have a father who brings this to their attention.

I love when you go grocery shopping, and bring home a treat for the kids 'just because'...the just becasue is because you love them, and though they don't get special surprises on a daily basis, you do it just enough to let them know that they are important, and they can excitedly await their next surprise from papa.

I love hearing you read to Jari when you tuck him in at night, and I listen through the walls to hear which direction your conversation will turn at the end of the day. Sometimes I hear you discussing school matters, sometimes sports, sometimes telling him stories about your own youth. Those are moments in which I don't even take part in which I treasure.

I love when I am gone for an evening, come home, and ask how it went, and you tell me that it went really well and BOTH boys were good. It makes me happy that I can feel confident in leaving them with a dad just as competent as their mama, and know that you are building a bond with your boys that will last a lifetime.

I love when you persuade the boys to talk to my parents on the phone when they call. As much as both of them often despise talking on teh phone, it is important in them keeping a bond with the grandparents they don't regularly see, and it amazes me how in tune youa re to the needs of this bonding with their grandparents.

There are so many more reasons that I am glad we came together to share the responsibility of parenting thee two beautiful children God put in our care. You deserve a special day devoted just to you, complete with a handmade Papa tie and bacon sandwiches for breakfast AND lunch. You are the only man I would choose to be papa to our children. You are truly a wonderful man, a wonderful example of what a papa is supposed to be. Thank you for being a role model for our sons, for giving and giving to our family, and helping me realize time and again that when I chose you to be my husband, I made the right choice.

I love you...we love you. Happy Father's Day!

My Lil Reader

I think he is reading REALLY well considering he didn't even know the entire alphabet just 9 months ago. I am so proud of him! And I have to admit, at this moment in time he is in the highest reading group in his class...I love how expresive he can be during his 'lezen'. This is a story about a thief that comes into the house and the alarm clock goes off. He throws it against a wall...yep, Jari's choice from the school library. I hope he always loves to read as much as he does now. I know reading brings me a great deal of pleasure, and I have bookcases full of books to prove it.

One HOT Mama!