Tempers

Today is not a good day. I am disappointed in myself and every little thing is irriatating me immensely. I am a person that handles a great deal and takes it in stride, until, click, one thing sends me over the edge. My temperature rises and I have to let off that steam and I do so by screaming and yelling and throwing things. Last night this happened and I said some things and reacted to my husband in a very unfair way. I didn't like how he treated a situation, but he didn't throw a temper tantrum like I did, and now I look at myself with pity. Where do I store all this built up frustration? How can I learn to be angry, which is okay, without hurting the people around me? How do I let my feelings out without having to feel rotten about how I have treated someone I love? How can I say I'm sorry when I am so embarrassed about my actions? How do I teach my children how to live right when I don't do it myself?

All these questions are pulling me into a slump today. I feel totally on edge and I'm very disappointed in me. I hate the fact that I react so strongly, and most often against the people that really have nothing to do with it. Yes, last night is an example of a situation I could have easily discussed my thougths, but with all the little things leading up to that moment, I just exploded. Erwin is used to this about me, and I don't think that is fair. He shouldn't have to live life waiting for the next fire to break out. He shouldn't have to worry about those hurtful words and terrifying glances and know he's the fire hose that turns those flames into ash. Even as I think he should be more considerate in certain situations, I don't believe he deserves to be treated so degradingly by the person that treasures him most in this world. And my children do not deserve to be fearful of mama, even if my flood of anger isn't directly towards them.

Last night Jari told me that I wasn't allowed to say those words. That that is not allowed in our house. And I couldn't go to him and explain because their was no explanation. He was more worried about the words I used than the way I reacted to the situation. That is sad. He should have been afraid, yet he wasn't. Has it become so natural for him to see an outbreak from his mama? How do I have the right to send him to time out for screaming and yelling when Ido the very same thing? How can I take this precious gift I have been given and forego my job as his role-model? I can only say that how I acted was not okay.

So, for today, I will try to make myself calm and free of the burdens once again, able to turn myself around and once again be a fun-loving mama and wife. And in doing so, I hope to never allow that monster to return. Because that is what I am in that moment in time, a great big monster that creeps out from under the bed only there to terrorize. And instead of being that monster, I'd rather be the gentle momma that sings songs to my children, promising to keep them safe, promising them that there are no monsters under the bed, and they have no reason to be afraid.