Loneliness

I'm feeling lonely. Some days are like that. It takes but one moment in time to change everything from good to evil, and today I had the misfortune of that moment. Eight hours later, I still feel sad and lonely. This experiece has hit me hard. I want to go to bed, but my body is still shaking and sleep just won't come. I'd rather leave my body, leave my mind, let someone else take care of all these unexposed emotions, all this pain. Maybe I am overreacting, but right now it doesn't feel that way. Right now I just feel uncomfortable in my own body, in my own home, in my own family. I ran away tonight, took off for some alone time in the woods, to think and see beauty, try to get my mind on something else and come to grip with what had happened. I thought I had it licked when I came home bearing a carload of firewood and freshly washed car, but once I entered my home, my private and safe domain, I felt again exposed to sadness, felt as if I wanted to shrivel up and never be seen again. Maybe I should go back to the woods, let the darkness envelop me, take comfort in the fact that my spirit feels just as dark, just as still. If only I could close my eyes and dream, dream of beautiful butterflies coming to carry me away to a colorful rainbow land where there are only good fairies and non-judgemental people who give, give, give, and never take, letting me fly on a bluebird's wing to the top of the mountain to look down and feel at peace, dropping me on a fluffy white cloud to close my eyes and dream, dream of my reality, the good one, the one of my everyday and not that evil moment in time...that evil moment that crushes and burns and leaves me feeling lonely.