I kinda forgot about this, but wanted to write about it today as it was a topic of interest to me in the past few months. Erwin has tried a few times to explain it to me unsuccessfully, but this morning it seems it finally got through. And now, I wonder if it's normal to pay a mortgage in the following manner. It seems that in Holland (where we have our loan), that's one normal way to do it...but everywhere else???
Anyway, when we bought our house, we applied for a loan for the amount of the house plus a bit more to do some renovations that we had to do before it could even be habitable. When the bank officer came to our house, we paid for an extra insurance that pays for our home should anything happen to Erwin...considering he's the bread-winner in our family, that would be necessary if I were left as a widow. The mortage we got is a 25 year one and what we now pay monthly covers the interest. Nothing over the interest...at the end of 25 years, we'll still owe the complete cost of the house. In the meantime, we have to re-negotiate our mortage after 10 years. Maybe the rates will drop, maybe they'll be higher, maybe we will choose to go with another bank...doesn't matter..a.t that time if we choose to go with another bank, we'll ahve to pay the full loan off...and get a new one with another provider...or continue paying the interest on our current loan at the interest rate that's offered at the 10-year mark.
Now, how are we going to pay off this loan at the end of the 25 years??? Well, we invested in another company that we pay a couple hundred euro in the month to invest our money. They put our money into stocks/bonds/CD's...anything that is a low risk and will hopefully give us a good return on our money at the end of our 25 year mortage period. This sounds like a bit of a gamble to me...if at the end of 25 years, our investments are short of the money we've given out, how are we going to pay off our loan on the house??? The contract we have with the investment company we are working with plays this investment game at a low risk level according to our wishes. We have no input about how they invest our money, but trust them to bring us back a good return at the end of 25 years. Hmmm...so, I'm finding it all a bit exciting now. It's sorta like playing the lottery and hoping that you hit...and at the end of 25 years, we'd well better have made a good return on our investments, else I may be forced out of house and home...talk about an adrenaline rush! Go Goudse Go! Make my cash into millions (well, at least 101,000 PLEASE!)!!!
But, is this a normal way to pay off a mortgage? I've never bought a house in America, so I dunno if that's done or not? But it seems a bit chancey...even if it's much more exciting than paying a bunch of extra we don't have every month...
Morning, afternoon, evening or night...life is always happening. Let me tell you what's happening in mine.
2.02.2007
Life as a Mom
I have been thinking a lot about my life as a mom. All the dreams I had when I first learned I was pregnant, the kind of mom I planned to be, the kind of children I planned to raise. And there are dreams, and there is reality. And I think that in general, I have been the kind of mom I want to be. I spend a lot of time with my children doing activities that are fun and help them learn. I am always available to my boys, whether it be to make them something to eat, give them a hug, kiss a boo-boo, or play a game. They are, in general, pretty happy little boys who don't want for much. But, I have also come to another realization about my mothering...as much as I give my kids, I never feel good enough, I never feel that I am doing this most important job as well as I could. Where do you ever reach that balance between giving to your children and finding peace within yourself? As a mom, I can't help but worry. I worry about my children's futures, if I am providing them with tools to be successful adults. I worry about whether I am teaching them compassion and understanding of other people, and still giving them the tools needed to prepare for dealing with situations that arise regarding others. Am I nourishing them properly, not giving in too much to their pleas for sweets and junk food? And as an overweight mother, how am I setting a good example for them in the exercise and eating department? How can I teach them to clean up after themselves, keep their space pleasant and healthy, when 1) it's easier to just do it myself; and 2) I am a chaotic person at best and find it hard work to keep my life and home organised? How can I teach them the value of education when I myself do not use the thousands of dollars and millions of hours put into obtaining my university degree? When is it time to let go just a little, or hold on a bit longer?
Lately, I just find myself questioning my ways as a mom. Maybe that comes from my last hope for helping Kaeden before I ask for outside help. He needs more than I am offering him, and I don't know if that comes from my lack of providing, or if it's because of his handicap. It's tormenting my mind, and each morning as I wake to the dread of our morning ritual, I pray that I can be a success, just for this hour that provides our family with the most stress, and if I can make it through that first hour, I can make it through anything. Maybe it comes from my worries about Jari...how to help him become his own person without modeling Kaeden's autistic behaviors. How to capture his giving spirit without worrying that he's too tuned in to the need of pleasing everyone. He doesn't like to cause disappointment, and this is a good thing, but I worry that he sometimes takes it too far and doesn't obey his own inner spirit in the process.
I am really trying my best here, but this is such a HUGE chore that God has blessed me with. It is my job to bring these young boys to adulthood and help them achieve success as upstanding citizens. I am their mom and they model me. They learn from me. They live with my faults. They teach me what I am doing right and wrong. They are growing up, my sweet little babies...am I being the guiding light that I dreamed I would be? A question that can only be answered with the passing of the years...
Lately, I just find myself questioning my ways as a mom. Maybe that comes from my last hope for helping Kaeden before I ask for outside help. He needs more than I am offering him, and I don't know if that comes from my lack of providing, or if it's because of his handicap. It's tormenting my mind, and each morning as I wake to the dread of our morning ritual, I pray that I can be a success, just for this hour that provides our family with the most stress, and if I can make it through that first hour, I can make it through anything. Maybe it comes from my worries about Jari...how to help him become his own person without modeling Kaeden's autistic behaviors. How to capture his giving spirit without worrying that he's too tuned in to the need of pleasing everyone. He doesn't like to cause disappointment, and this is a good thing, but I worry that he sometimes takes it too far and doesn't obey his own inner spirit in the process.
I am really trying my best here, but this is such a HUGE chore that God has blessed me with. It is my job to bring these young boys to adulthood and help them achieve success as upstanding citizens. I am their mom and they model me. They learn from me. They live with my faults. They teach me what I am doing right and wrong. They are growing up, my sweet little babies...am I being the guiding light that I dreamed I would be? A question that can only be answered with the passing of the years...
1.31.2007
Uncle Jack Update
Well, I got this message yesterday and it made me cry. How can you prepare for saying goodbye to someone you love, someone who has always been a part of your life, someone special and meaningful in your life? I can't even begin to explain how I'm feeling right now. It's just something close to suffocation.
Yesterday was a very, very difficult day. We (myself, Lisa, Jacque and Sami) saw the two oncologists and got grim news. The prognisis is not good. The real worry right now is no longer the esophageal cancer but the new cancer in his spinal fluid. Dr. Nichols will do another spinal tap this morning, take fluid for testing and inject more of the strong chemo drug. He will also do it again on Friday. The resulting tests will tell them if the drug is doing anything to stop the multiplication of the cancer cells. If it is, then they will look at implanting a port beneath the skull to enable them to inject the drug directly into the fluid surrounding his brain which in turn will be circulated down his low back to the rest of the cancer cells that have clustered there. If, by the end of the week there is no improvement, or increased activity then the goal will change completely to one of quality of life. Then it could be weeks or short months. Pray hard for the new drug to work. As I have always said, of course any decision on how to proceed will be Jack's and Jack's alone. I will give him your love and that will give him strength
Well, as I update this message, I finished reading my email. Here's a second email from my äunt"...and it released a bit of that suffocation, if even a deep concern remains pounding in the deepest rercesses of my brain (and heart). Cancer is not something tha't will just pack up and go away when it becomes a guest overstaying their welcome...no, no...not cancer...please keep my Uncle Jack in your prayers.
FINALLY some good news! I talked briefly with Dr. Nicols late this afternoon and he said that the sample of spinal fluid that he took out this morning showed zero cancer cells!!! Wonderful, wonderful! He's pleased with the length of time that the chemo drug he injects has stayed in the spinal fluid so will wait until Monday to do another tap. Jack was groggy most of the day as they'd given him quite a bit of pain medication during and after the procedure. He still had his radiation though, and then around 6:30 I roused him enough so that he could eat his dinner. He really perked up the rest of the evening, I think in part due to the encouraging results of the fluid test. I'll keep all of you informed as to how he's doing and when I get more information. Keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming!
How can the relief not overpower the reality of cancer? I think I'll head to the church and double up my prayers. Stay strong Uncle Jack! I love you!!!
Yesterday was a very, very difficult day. We (myself, Lisa, Jacque and Sami) saw the two oncologists and got grim news. The prognisis is not good. The real worry right now is no longer the esophageal cancer but the new cancer in his spinal fluid. Dr. Nichols will do another spinal tap this morning, take fluid for testing and inject more of the strong chemo drug. He will also do it again on Friday. The resulting tests will tell them if the drug is doing anything to stop the multiplication of the cancer cells. If it is, then they will look at implanting a port beneath the skull to enable them to inject the drug directly into the fluid surrounding his brain which in turn will be circulated down his low back to the rest of the cancer cells that have clustered there. If, by the end of the week there is no improvement, or increased activity then the goal will change completely to one of quality of life. Then it could be weeks or short months. Pray hard for the new drug to work. As I have always said, of course any decision on how to proceed will be Jack's and Jack's alone. I will give him your love and that will give him strength
Well, as I update this message, I finished reading my email. Here's a second email from my äunt"...and it released a bit of that suffocation, if even a deep concern remains pounding in the deepest rercesses of my brain (and heart). Cancer is not something tha't will just pack up and go away when it becomes a guest overstaying their welcome...no, no...not cancer...please keep my Uncle Jack in your prayers.
FINALLY some good news! I talked briefly with Dr. Nicols late this afternoon and he said that the sample of spinal fluid that he took out this morning showed zero cancer cells!!! Wonderful, wonderful! He's pleased with the length of time that the chemo drug he injects has stayed in the spinal fluid so will wait until Monday to do another tap. Jack was groggy most of the day as they'd given him quite a bit of pain medication during and after the procedure. He still had his radiation though, and then around 6:30 I roused him enough so that he could eat his dinner. He really perked up the rest of the evening, I think in part due to the encouraging results of the fluid test. I'll keep all of you informed as to how he's doing and when I get more information. Keep those prayers and positive thoughts coming!
How can the relief not overpower the reality of cancer? I think I'll head to the church and double up my prayers. Stay strong Uncle Jack! I love you!!!
1.29.2007
The Holiday
Saturday night was a spur of the moment surprise for me. We were heading to Helmond and I decided to call up my girlfriend Lisa to see if she was up for dinner and a movie...she was! We met in front of the theatre and walked around looking for something yummy to catch our eye...just enough time for a quick bite and chat before the film started. The Holiday is a movie I have been wanting to see for a good while now, and I was not disappointed. It kept me in stitches throughout the entire film, along with the few tears that escaped down my cheeks. It was very well done, and the 135 minute time slot was not even noticeable. I wouldn't have wanted to take a break to pee or get a drink, because I would have missed something wonderful! The entire movie was that good. If you are into romantic comedies, this is the film for you. And having the evening out to share life's little realities with a good friend made it that much more spectacular. How is it that with a girlfriend sitting across from youa t the dinner table there's not a moment of quiet comfort? The comfort comes in those "Yeah, I know what you mean!", "I've been there too!", "That is really funny!", and "It feels so good to have you as my friend!". Every possible topic of conversation is covered with simplicity and understanding, and there's just not enough time to cover everything on our minds. It felt really good.
Thanks for a great evening Lis! The movie was TOP, but sharing it with you, well, tipper than TOP!
Thanks for a great evening Lis! The movie was TOP, but sharing it with you, well, tipper than TOP!
1.26.2007
My Uncle Jack
My mom called this evening to tell me that my Uncle Jack is in the hospital. He's been fighting cancer and is having a setback...doesn't sound great to me. I feel a bit empty, wishing there was something I could do, wanting to visit him and make sure he knows that I care...but I can't. It's times like this that I wish I lived closer and could be on the next flight there, just so that I could give him a great big hug and give him my support. I hate to call with all that's going on and other visitors, and mail just takes too long to get there. My goofy, always able to make anyone laugh and smile, smart and insightful uncle, I love you. I'm praying for you, for Kathi, for Jacque and Lisa, for Sami, Alex, and Iris. I hope you'll be feeling better soon, that the pain is left behind and replaced with the man that loves to hunt, care for his cows, and treasures the friendships with his dogs. I'm there with you, in heart...I hope you know how much you mean to me.
Funny
I just had to share another Jari funny. Gosh, that kid can make me laugh. This morning we were sitting eating breakfast. He was having Honey Cheerios and asked me to listen close. I listened...I heard the crunch! He was thrilled I knew what he meant. Then I started making up a Jari Cheerio Crunch Song..."Crunch, crunch, crunch, cereal in Jari's mouth, yummy for his breakfast, but not for his lunch. Crunch Crunch Crunch the bees buzzing on his tongue, Jari can crunch and his breakfasts almost done..." or something along those lines. He was just giggling away at my little creation and asked me to sing it agian and again...but once I forgot the Jari part and he sternly advised that I add in his name to the song. When I was done singing, and his bowl was empty, he looked at me with a very serious expression on his adorable face. He asked "Mama, did you learn to sing that song at church??"
I couldn't help but smile from inside and out!
I couldn't help but smile from inside and out!
1.24.2007
Tweenager
Yep, here you see what my 12 year old just made for HIS lunch today...can we say "eating us out of house and home?" Unbelievable how much food that kid can pack away...and even funnier? He's watching Teletubbies on TV...yep, he's got free reign of the TV and that's his choice...isn't TWELVE an amazing age?
Tagged
I was tagged by my friend Amanda. Check her out here...
http://whataboutyourhips.blogspot.com/
A- Available or single? Not available, not single...just married to the best guy around
B- Best Friend? I have a few good friends and want to keep it that way so I won't name a "best"
C- Cake or Pie? Oma's Apple Pie
D- Drink of Choice? Cappuccino...yum!
E- Essential Item? Kaeden's ritalin...don't leave home without it!
F- Favorite Color?Green...with yellow a close second
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? Worms with the sour stuff on them
H- Hometown? Larmie, Wyoming, USA
I- Indulgence? A bubble bath with candles and a good book
J- January or February? January...my eldest son's birthday
K- Kids and names? 2 boys, Kaeden Riley & Jari Wilhelmus Theodorus
L- Life is incomplete without? Love
M- Marriage Date? August 9, 2003
N- Number of Siblings? 2 younger brothers, Travis and Trevor
O- Oranges or apples? Mandarin oranges...they peel easier :-)
P- Phobias/Fears? My kids dying is the biggie
Q- Favorite Quote? "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind." Dr. Seuss
R- Reason to Smile? I got two cards in the mail today
S- Season? Summer, the sun gives me energy
T- Tag three people! I'm not much of a tagger...but I'll try it once... http://smalltownrambling.blogspot.com/
U- Unknown fact about me? I sleep the whole night with my electric blanket on high!
V- Vegetable you hate? I don't think I hate any...but sprouts are not my fave.
W- Worst habit? Biting my nails
X- X-rays you’ve had? Most recently on my ears as my hearing is going and we don't know why...but also on my knee, my ankle...hmmm...I've had a few but can't remember it all
Y- Your favorite food? Enchiladas
Z - Zodiac? I am on the cusp of Cancer and Leo, born on July 23rd (just like my girlfriend Amanda). I am more of a Leo tho! :-)
http://whataboutyourhips.blogspot.com/
A- Available or single? Not available, not single...just married to the best guy around
B- Best Friend? I have a few good friends and want to keep it that way so I won't name a "best"
C- Cake or Pie? Oma's Apple Pie
D- Drink of Choice? Cappuccino...yum!
E- Essential Item? Kaeden's ritalin...don't leave home without it!
F- Favorite Color?Green...with yellow a close second
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? Worms with the sour stuff on them
H- Hometown? Larmie, Wyoming, USA
I- Indulgence? A bubble bath with candles and a good book
J- January or February? January...my eldest son's birthday
K- Kids and names? 2 boys, Kaeden Riley & Jari Wilhelmus Theodorus
L- Life is incomplete without? Love
M- Marriage Date? August 9, 2003
N- Number of Siblings? 2 younger brothers, Travis and Trevor
O- Oranges or apples? Mandarin oranges...they peel easier :-)
P- Phobias/Fears? My kids dying is the biggie
Q- Favorite Quote? "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind." Dr. Seuss
R- Reason to Smile? I got two cards in the mail today
S- Season? Summer, the sun gives me energy
T- Tag three people! I'm not much of a tagger...but I'll try it once... http://smalltownrambling.blogspot.com/
U- Unknown fact about me? I sleep the whole night with my electric blanket on high!
V- Vegetable you hate? I don't think I hate any...but sprouts are not my fave.
W- Worst habit? Biting my nails
X- X-rays you’ve had? Most recently on my ears as my hearing is going and we don't know why...but also on my knee, my ankle...hmmm...I've had a few but can't remember it all
Y- Your favorite food? Enchiladas
Z - Zodiac? I am on the cusp of Cancer and Leo, born on July 23rd (just like my girlfriend Amanda). I am more of a Leo tho! :-)
Just A Few Ramblings
Today is swim day at Jari's school. I'm a mom helper and always enjoy these days as I feel a connection to kids which was my career goal in life. But, life doesn't always work out as we expect so I treasure these moments I have being a part of a classroom once again.
Saturday Erwin adn I had a work party to attend, but we also took the time to spend some time just the two of us going out to dinner. We do not have enough "us" moments, and it felt so good just sharing an evening with my husband. It seems that every time we do go out, we do so with a group of friends, or to a party, or with the family. I also enjoy those times very much, but I realized that we really need to make more time to savor each other.
I used my dishwasher for the first time last night! We got it free from a second-hand advertisement and weren't sure it would even work, but everythign came out sparkly clean! Yippee! Opa did a LOT of work installing the plumbing and electric so we could use it, and I appreciate him so much. Sometimes I feel like we take advantage of opa...he is so handy and can fix/make/create almost anything and in our old house, there is always something to be done. I hope he knows he is a true star in my book! It will be wonderful to have the dishwasher when I've got piles of washing up to do.
We are finally getting a taste of winter! I am really happy about this. It may sound crazy to some, but I like having seasons, and was excited when we finally got a real frost and there was a bit of ice in the fields. Now I can complain about the cold...hahaha I just hope we get one little snowfall..I want to make snow angels and snowmen and have a snowball fight and then come in and warm up with a hot chocolate with melty marshmallows!
Tomorrow we have our appointment with Kaeden's school to discuss another option for him. Something called semi-internaat which is basically after school activities and vacation care. I've been very interested in this since I first heard about it and we finally got government approved for it this year. There is a waiting list, but I'm hoping we come to the top before summer vacation and Kaeden can take part in all their fun activities. I really don't know what to expect, but at least we're finally getting a chance to see what exactly it is, what is offered (I think he also gets hot lunch at school), and what the costs are. We'll also ask a bit about internaat which is the live-in option at the school. They already informed me we need to talk to another department about that, but they'll give us as much info as they can.
I am getting so excited about my trip in March. My grandparents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary and I get to be there! I wish my family could also go, but that wasn't a possibility so Erwin is taking off work and watching the kids while I gallavant across the ocean! There are so few people these days that make it to 60 years and I am so proud of my grandparents for getting through so much in their life together. They are an inspiration to me.
We are also researching possibilities for summer vacation. I mentioned Sweden to Erwin (I really want to go there one day, and meet my dad's family that is there as well) but he's leaning towards Czech Republic, Austria, and Germany...and I admit wholeheartedly that my favorite vacation place to date is Czech Republic....and I think teh most beautiful place I have ever been is Austria. I want my parents to join us there, but with their workloads in the summer that's nearly impossible. I think Erwin is a bit a creature of habit, where I am a bit more adventurous. We both love to travel and see new places though, and we do plenty of it. That's the place all our savings is depleted...but what is better than learning about new cultures, experiencing new lands,people, and languages, sharing happy family times, and then coming back home refreshed with a whole 'nother world that remains a piece of you forever. Can't wait for August!
I heard on the news the other night that Hilary Clinton may be in the running for the next US president. This didn't surprise me, but made me really think. I wonder if the world is ready for a woman president. Being a woman, I know this makes no sense. However, women are so much more emotionally involved than men...I don't know if this is a good thing or bad when it comes to running a country. Erwin said that there's no way she'll be voted in. But when I said "I bet there are a lot of women that would vote for her" he thought twice about it. Maybe what the world needs is a bit more emotional feeling and not so much "manly" war talk...what do you think?
I have started Kaeden's daily program at home again, and for now it is working...our mornings have been 80% easier. He needs lists to keep (get) himself organized, and so I write out his list with precision each day. When I gave him his first list, he told me I had to write out the numbers instead of making a simple 2, that he needed it to be posted (glued down) on the table and laminated (I assured him I was not ruining my table, but that we would find a place for his list), and then he began using it. I think it's so odd that if I tell him to brush his teeth and wash his face, it's too many commands at once, but if I give him a list with 10 (oops, ten) tasks on it he is able to handle it. But whatever, as long as he's successful I don't care what it takes.
Last night when I tucked Jari in bed he shared his views on autism. It was really very mind-boggling how profoundly he thinks for a child of 5. Kaeden was making a lot of noise in his room, singing along with his CD-player. Jari said "I can't sleep when Kaeden is making so much noise." I told him that wasn't very nice, but Kaeden has trouble listening sometimes. He said "Yeah, that's cuz he has autism." Then I asked him what autism means? Jari said "All I know is that autism makes Kaeden be very angry. That's why I don't like autism." So, we discussed autism a little bit more, why it wasn;t fun, things Kaeden does, why we should be happy we don't have it, etc. And then Jari says "Now I don't want to talk about it anymore cuz Kaeden is my grote broer (big brother) and he is lief (sweet)." And when I kissed Jari goodnight, I assured him that he is also very lief. But wow, wow, wow...my tiny little boy, you amaze mama!
So, it's time to head for the bus. Bubbye...
Saturday Erwin adn I had a work party to attend, but we also took the time to spend some time just the two of us going out to dinner. We do not have enough "us" moments, and it felt so good just sharing an evening with my husband. It seems that every time we do go out, we do so with a group of friends, or to a party, or with the family. I also enjoy those times very much, but I realized that we really need to make more time to savor each other.
I used my dishwasher for the first time last night! We got it free from a second-hand advertisement and weren't sure it would even work, but everythign came out sparkly clean! Yippee! Opa did a LOT of work installing the plumbing and electric so we could use it, and I appreciate him so much. Sometimes I feel like we take advantage of opa...he is so handy and can fix/make/create almost anything and in our old house, there is always something to be done. I hope he knows he is a true star in my book! It will be wonderful to have the dishwasher when I've got piles of washing up to do.
We are finally getting a taste of winter! I am really happy about this. It may sound crazy to some, but I like having seasons, and was excited when we finally got a real frost and there was a bit of ice in the fields. Now I can complain about the cold...hahaha I just hope we get one little snowfall..I want to make snow angels and snowmen and have a snowball fight and then come in and warm up with a hot chocolate with melty marshmallows!
Tomorrow we have our appointment with Kaeden's school to discuss another option for him. Something called semi-internaat which is basically after school activities and vacation care. I've been very interested in this since I first heard about it and we finally got government approved for it this year. There is a waiting list, but I'm hoping we come to the top before summer vacation and Kaeden can take part in all their fun activities. I really don't know what to expect, but at least we're finally getting a chance to see what exactly it is, what is offered (I think he also gets hot lunch at school), and what the costs are. We'll also ask a bit about internaat which is the live-in option at the school. They already informed me we need to talk to another department about that, but they'll give us as much info as they can.
I am getting so excited about my trip in March. My grandparents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary and I get to be there! I wish my family could also go, but that wasn't a possibility so Erwin is taking off work and watching the kids while I gallavant across the ocean! There are so few people these days that make it to 60 years and I am so proud of my grandparents for getting through so much in their life together. They are an inspiration to me.
We are also researching possibilities for summer vacation. I mentioned Sweden to Erwin (I really want to go there one day, and meet my dad's family that is there as well) but he's leaning towards Czech Republic, Austria, and Germany...and I admit wholeheartedly that my favorite vacation place to date is Czech Republic....and I think teh most beautiful place I have ever been is Austria. I want my parents to join us there, but with their workloads in the summer that's nearly impossible. I think Erwin is a bit a creature of habit, where I am a bit more adventurous. We both love to travel and see new places though, and we do plenty of it. That's the place all our savings is depleted...but what is better than learning about new cultures, experiencing new lands,people, and languages, sharing happy family times, and then coming back home refreshed with a whole 'nother world that remains a piece of you forever. Can't wait for August!
I heard on the news the other night that Hilary Clinton may be in the running for the next US president. This didn't surprise me, but made me really think. I wonder if the world is ready for a woman president. Being a woman, I know this makes no sense. However, women are so much more emotionally involved than men...I don't know if this is a good thing or bad when it comes to running a country. Erwin said that there's no way she'll be voted in. But when I said "I bet there are a lot of women that would vote for her" he thought twice about it. Maybe what the world needs is a bit more emotional feeling and not so much "manly" war talk...what do you think?
I have started Kaeden's daily program at home again, and for now it is working...our mornings have been 80% easier. He needs lists to keep (get) himself organized, and so I write out his list with precision each day. When I gave him his first list, he told me I had to write out the numbers instead of making a simple 2, that he needed it to be posted (glued down) on the table and laminated (I assured him I was not ruining my table, but that we would find a place for his list), and then he began using it. I think it's so odd that if I tell him to brush his teeth and wash his face, it's too many commands at once, but if I give him a list with 10 (oops, ten) tasks on it he is able to handle it. But whatever, as long as he's successful I don't care what it takes.
Last night when I tucked Jari in bed he shared his views on autism. It was really very mind-boggling how profoundly he thinks for a child of 5. Kaeden was making a lot of noise in his room, singing along with his CD-player. Jari said "I can't sleep when Kaeden is making so much noise." I told him that wasn't very nice, but Kaeden has trouble listening sometimes. He said "Yeah, that's cuz he has autism." Then I asked him what autism means? Jari said "All I know is that autism makes Kaeden be very angry. That's why I don't like autism." So, we discussed autism a little bit more, why it wasn;t fun, things Kaeden does, why we should be happy we don't have it, etc. And then Jari says "Now I don't want to talk about it anymore cuz Kaeden is my grote broer (big brother) and he is lief (sweet)." And when I kissed Jari goodnight, I assured him that he is also very lief. But wow, wow, wow...my tiny little boy, you amaze mama!
So, it's time to head for the bus. Bubbye...
1.19.2007
Hellish Week
This has been a week from hell...it almost feels as if I have been living it in a kind of dream, a kind of out of body experience. I can't even begin to describe how miserable I feel today, how miserable I've felt the entrie week. As I rode my bike to take Jari to school this morning, all the branches and garbage from the storm yesterday were littering the street and sidewalks and I realized that my life is just like all that litter. My life is not regulated at all, but comes blowing in and then settles wherever it gets stuck. I wonder if it'll ever be cleaned up? As a mom from Jari's class smiled at me and waved from her car, I had to plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend I was happily beginning my day...what she didn't know was all the negative energy coursing through my body, filling me with dread. I feel like I can't do it anymore, like there's nothing positive coming from my days...they just all run together and eventually a year is complete...and what have I accomplished in that time? I really need to get a bit more out of life. I can't give anything to the people I love when I have nothing to give. It's straining my mothering, my marriage, and my friendships. I'm just depleted. I feel like if I wasn't here tomorrow that nobody would even notice. This is not teh life I had dreamed for myself, let alone my husband and my children. I've got to take some steps to try to make it better, but how do I begin when all I want to do is disappear? I have no energy, no motivation, no smile that comes from within. I can't wait til this week is over. I hope with the new week a bit of happiness can also fill my soul.
1.15.2007
What Sad Means To An Autie
Yesterday Erwin and I had a discussion when we woke up. I shed a few tears as we discussed Kaeden and the best means of parenting him. It's always a difficult discussion as we have differing opinions about what we feel is best, though I do believe we both want what is best for him. I know that we both care and that is the importnat thing.
Anyway, as I came downstairs to make breakfast Kaeden looked at my face and knew I had been crying. He was concerned and asked me why I was sad. Before I could respond he asked "Did Gramma die?"
I couldn't help but chuckle...if my mom died I would be in a much much deeper state of sadness. His innocence and misunderstanding of feeling truly struck me. As I laughed, a tiny piece of my heart also collapsed. As much as this child understood I wasn't competely happy, how in the world could he possibly think my mom had died? It was one of those mixed good/bad feelings that I couldn't shake for the rest of the day.
Those are the little things about autism. Nothing is just simple.
Anyway, as I came downstairs to make breakfast Kaeden looked at my face and knew I had been crying. He was concerned and asked me why I was sad. Before I could respond he asked "Did Gramma die?"
I couldn't help but chuckle...if my mom died I would be in a much much deeper state of sadness. His innocence and misunderstanding of feeling truly struck me. As I laughed, a tiny piece of my heart also collapsed. As much as this child understood I wasn't competely happy, how in the world could he possibly think my mom had died? It was one of those mixed good/bad feelings that I couldn't shake for the rest of the day.
Those are the little things about autism. Nothing is just simple.
1.11.2007
Applesauce
We just finished dinner. I asked Jari if he wanted some applesauce. He said YUM yes! Then, he proceeded to ask if I had any more of the strawberry applesauce. I told him that was all gone. He said "Where do you buy that, then?" And I told him I usually get it at C1000 (a store in Holland). He says " Well, next time you go to C1000 can you get me some more? I think that is SO YUMMY! And, I don't think you can get it at the Spar (our tiny local grocery)." Hahaha...he made me chuckle!
Cold
I am so cold. Last night I was literally shivering even tho it was 23 C inside...my body just never seems to warm completely up. I grabbed a balnkie, laid on the couch, and fell asleep...Erwin did the same, but without the blankie! We woke up about 2:30 and went to bed where I found my lil guy snuggled under our covers...how'd he get in there without me hearing him?
It was a bad night. I was not in the happiest of spirits by the time the kids fell asleep. When i picked Jari up from soccer practice I realized he was really tired...he was whining about everything, sobbing in tears during dinner, and just being a really tired kid. I also knew Kaeden had Judo til 8 and that'd mean another late night for the kids. So, I decided to forego Judo and get them to bed early so I could help Erwin and then go to my cooking class. BUT, I didn't anticipate the problems my decision would cause....but problems is what I was dealt. After telling Kaed we weren't going to Judo tonight, he ran as fast as he could and got his Judo uniform on. This after he refused to eat quickly so I could take him. I explained again that we weren't going, and then all hell broke loose. Chairs knocked over, things thrown whizzing past my head, the table found a new position in the kitchen, and my son was doing his bear growl which is a definite sign that he is angry and can't express himself. I won't even go into details about the rest, but it was an extremely trying night. And by the time I weighted Kaeden down by laying on him in his bed and pressing the sides of his head together to help him relax, I was exhausted, my body felt battered, my spirit felt shattered...and I had no desire more to attend my cooking class...all I wanted to do was climb under my warm blankets and fall asleep.
I was grateful Erwin took charge of leaving the room and getting Jari away from the situation for two reasons. One, Erwin cannot handle Kaeden when he's in a tantrum and his anger just makes it worse and two I don't like Jari to ahve to see it cuz it scares him. However, I couldn't help being a bit upset with Erwin...he just can't let things go and doesn't anticipate when he needs to leave Kaeden be, give him a chance to "shake it off", not allow his anger to escalate Kaeden's rage as well. And as his raging tantrum was coming on stronger and with more force, Erwin didn't know enough to step back and forget his bad behavior...he had to keep pressing and doing what I call "making it worse".
This is a huge debate inside my mind. I do not know what is the best means of handling this situation. I understand Erwin's need to let Kaeden know he is not acting okay, I understand his need to discipline him for his bad behavior. But, I also know that if he is acting terrible and I can see a rage is coming on, I know that if I give just a little, it will not be a terrifying experience for all of us. So, I tend to let it go while Erwin can't. Both of us have reasons for our actions, both of us understand why we react as we do, neither of us want an explosion...but neither of us handles the situation correctly. I don't know what is correct. I don't know what is right. All I know is I want peace in my home, among the members of my family. And in our home, peace doesn't come on a daily basis.
I feel sad about this situation. Autism is once again a demon and makes my child into a demon as well...my loving, giving little boy with his fast smile and twinlking eyes is stripped away and replaced by a growling, foaming at the mouth animal with the strength that true adrenaline brings. And with each raging episode we live through, my soul is stripped of happiness and replaced by days of sadness and fear, worry and despair...so, that's where I'm at right now. It's not a fun palce to be.
It was a bad night. I was not in the happiest of spirits by the time the kids fell asleep. When i picked Jari up from soccer practice I realized he was really tired...he was whining about everything, sobbing in tears during dinner, and just being a really tired kid. I also knew Kaeden had Judo til 8 and that'd mean another late night for the kids. So, I decided to forego Judo and get them to bed early so I could help Erwin and then go to my cooking class. BUT, I didn't anticipate the problems my decision would cause....but problems is what I was dealt. After telling Kaed we weren't going to Judo tonight, he ran as fast as he could and got his Judo uniform on. This after he refused to eat quickly so I could take him. I explained again that we weren't going, and then all hell broke loose. Chairs knocked over, things thrown whizzing past my head, the table found a new position in the kitchen, and my son was doing his bear growl which is a definite sign that he is angry and can't express himself. I won't even go into details about the rest, but it was an extremely trying night. And by the time I weighted Kaeden down by laying on him in his bed and pressing the sides of his head together to help him relax, I was exhausted, my body felt battered, my spirit felt shattered...and I had no desire more to attend my cooking class...all I wanted to do was climb under my warm blankets and fall asleep.
I was grateful Erwin took charge of leaving the room and getting Jari away from the situation for two reasons. One, Erwin cannot handle Kaeden when he's in a tantrum and his anger just makes it worse and two I don't like Jari to ahve to see it cuz it scares him. However, I couldn't help being a bit upset with Erwin...he just can't let things go and doesn't anticipate when he needs to leave Kaeden be, give him a chance to "shake it off", not allow his anger to escalate Kaeden's rage as well. And as his raging tantrum was coming on stronger and with more force, Erwin didn't know enough to step back and forget his bad behavior...he had to keep pressing and doing what I call "making it worse".
This is a huge debate inside my mind. I do not know what is the best means of handling this situation. I understand Erwin's need to let Kaeden know he is not acting okay, I understand his need to discipline him for his bad behavior. But, I also know that if he is acting terrible and I can see a rage is coming on, I know that if I give just a little, it will not be a terrifying experience for all of us. So, I tend to let it go while Erwin can't. Both of us have reasons for our actions, both of us understand why we react as we do, neither of us want an explosion...but neither of us handles the situation correctly. I don't know what is correct. I don't know what is right. All I know is I want peace in my home, among the members of my family. And in our home, peace doesn't come on a daily basis.
I feel sad about this situation. Autism is once again a demon and makes my child into a demon as well...my loving, giving little boy with his fast smile and twinlking eyes is stripped away and replaced by a growling, foaming at the mouth animal with the strength that true adrenaline brings. And with each raging episode we live through, my soul is stripped of happiness and replaced by days of sadness and fear, worry and despair...so, that's where I'm at right now. It's not a fun palce to be.
1.09.2007
Death
Do you ever feel like your life just sucks and you wish you could change everything about it? I do, once in awhile I forget all about all the good stuff in my life and just wish I could be living in someone else's shoes. But today, I got a strong wake up call that reminded me to be thankful for all I do have...
As I was getting dressed this morning I looked out the window into the yard across the way. I saw the same ole trees, the piles of dirt from teh new housing project, an orange tarp blowing in the wind, the driveway newly created with a little path of rocks...and I saw a home...
In this home lived a man and a woman just 3 days ago. Today, in this home lives a widowed man. As I got tears in my eyes, I realized that life is precious. Saturday this man will bury his wife. Saturday this man will cry for the loss of his future with the partner of his life. Saturday this man will lay his wife of many years to rest among the flowers and headstones in the church cemetary. And after Saturday, life will go on...but not "as normal".
Saturday I will sing at a funeral mass. Saturday I will cry for the loss of a friend's wife. Saturday I will serve coffee and sandwiches to grieving members of his and her family. And after Saturday, life will go on...but not as normal...I will grieve with this man as I reach out to give him a hug at our next choir practice, I will look out my bedroom window just beyond the fence and remember a woman I have never met, a woman whom suffered in life from a sickly disease, a woman that I hear once had a beautiful singing voice, a woman I have seen carried away on two occasions by the ambulance, a woman that no longer reigns on this earth. And I will be changed, remembering through her death that I have so much goodness in my life. I won't say that I'll never "forget" all the good I have, but at least for today, I am feeling blessed. Blessed to have a loving husband, blessed to have two beautiful, active boys, blessed to have parents and grandparents still with me on this earth, blessed to ahve the friendships that help get me through many situations...I am blessed.
As the rain washes away the tears I let fall today, I hope that the sun will bring some sense of peace to the man on the other side of my fence. May you find peace in your solitary life...and to her, may you rest in peace.
As I was getting dressed this morning I looked out the window into the yard across the way. I saw the same ole trees, the piles of dirt from teh new housing project, an orange tarp blowing in the wind, the driveway newly created with a little path of rocks...and I saw a home...
In this home lived a man and a woman just 3 days ago. Today, in this home lives a widowed man. As I got tears in my eyes, I realized that life is precious. Saturday this man will bury his wife. Saturday this man will cry for the loss of his future with the partner of his life. Saturday this man will lay his wife of many years to rest among the flowers and headstones in the church cemetary. And after Saturday, life will go on...but not "as normal".
Saturday I will sing at a funeral mass. Saturday I will cry for the loss of a friend's wife. Saturday I will serve coffee and sandwiches to grieving members of his and her family. And after Saturday, life will go on...but not as normal...I will grieve with this man as I reach out to give him a hug at our next choir practice, I will look out my bedroom window just beyond the fence and remember a woman I have never met, a woman whom suffered in life from a sickly disease, a woman that I hear once had a beautiful singing voice, a woman I have seen carried away on two occasions by the ambulance, a woman that no longer reigns on this earth. And I will be changed, remembering through her death that I have so much goodness in my life. I won't say that I'll never "forget" all the good I have, but at least for today, I am feeling blessed. Blessed to have a loving husband, blessed to have two beautiful, active boys, blessed to have parents and grandparents still with me on this earth, blessed to ahve the friendships that help get me through many situations...I am blessed.
As the rain washes away the tears I let fall today, I hope that the sun will bring some sense of peace to the man on the other side of my fence. May you find peace in your solitary life...and to her, may you rest in peace.
1.08.2007
Nothing and Everything
I don't know what to say here. I'm feeling a bit let down by my writing "talent" and as much as I have something new to say every day, I haven't been able to put anything into words. So, where have my words gone? Where has my passion for expression disappeared to? I don't know...so I'll just give a little update about life here.
First, Kaeden and Jari started back to school today. I felt kinda lost wandering around the house all alone today, without playing or creating or cleaning up little boy messes....or yelling! Actually, we had a very uneventful vacation and the boys were excellent...really, unbelievably good. I can only recount one time I really got angry about anything...they spent literally hours in the tents they created in our hallway upstairs, always using every blanket in the house, their mattresses, all the chairs...and always adding a comfy pillow for mama to be included in their parties. Each day we'd look at the clock and just before bedtime we'd pull it all apart so that papa wouldn't see the disasters that our fun left behind...or not all of it anyway! I think most Papa's disagree with teh extent of play mama's allow...at least that's how it is on our front...I like and live freedom of expression. Papa wonders how in the world we can create such a huge mess. I agree, they've got to learn to clean it up too. Anyway, they slept in their tent one night, and were completely overjoyed. And they had a blast doing nothing more than playing at home with nowhere we had to be...
Kaeden is turning TWELVE this week! It's his golden birthday and I'm in a bit of a state about it all. 12 just seems like such a turning point in a kid's life, and I feel a bit sad, a bit excited, a bit overwhelmed by it all. I want this to be a special birthday for him, one he'll always remember...12 on the 12th...what could be a better occasion? So, I've arranged a small bowling party for him and we'll be setting up his new bedroom for him to come home to after his party at school. And I gotta decide what to do about the cake??? Happy Birthday dear son...I sure do love you more with each passing year...
Erwin set up some new spaces for me to organize all my crafting supplies. But I am not a person that excels with organizational skills. Especially in a crafting sense. I threw out about 100 non-working markers today and tried to throw away a bunch of other stuff, but darn it all, someday we might just need it! You know, to glue on some project or someting! I look at my little messy corner and understand his desire to have it all cleaned up...but how? Good question! I made a dent in it, hon...albeit a tiny one! Thanks for the cubbies...all the feathers and pom-poms and buttons haev found a new home!
To date, I am very proud of myself! My goal for 2007 is to gain control of my laundry...and since Jan 1 rolled around I am happy to report that each night before bed every fresh washed item of clothing has found it's way to the closets! No more searching through piles or laundry baskets or the kids asking me where their socks or undies are while I yell back "Just look on mama's bed!" I still haven't gotten around to ironing Erwin's work shirts...but it's onthe agenda for THIS week! Or else, I may have to cash in on that coupon my firend gave me for Christmas...I got 2 hours of free ironing coming my way! HAHA!
My wok lessons start Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it. I like the taste of stir-fry, but whenever I attempt it, all my veggies end up a mushy mess...still tasty, but I went that fresh crispness...you know! Something that snaps when it enters your taste buds! Yum! I hope they don't do all seafood stuff...that'd really disappoint me...but I am lookign forward to it. Now I just gotta get a wok for home to share my new knowledge.
I called about another class that starts nextw eek as well...Explore your other self. Hmmm, quite a title, so I called the lady giving the class and she's going to email me the details. It sounds interesting to me...maybe I could find the person I used to be that I sometimes miss since I've lived in Europe. Maybe I can figure out how to motivate myself to lose some weight or take up crafting again, or start something new like dihital scrapbooking which fascinates me. Or maybe it's total BS, as Erwin's look told me when I suggested to him I wanted to take the class....hahaha, it was quite funny! Anyway, I made the first effort, a call, which is what turns me off from doing 100 things I'd liek to do because it's harder to express yourself in a foreign language on the phone where you can't use body langauge or facial expression to help get your point across...We'll see...
We took the boys for a walk through the woods yesterday...and got stopped by police control on the way there. I didn't bring our passports cuz I didn't feel like carrying them with me all over through the woods...as I explained this to the cop, he just said "You realize you are leaving the country and it's obligatory." Well, they let us continue on our journey anyway with no fine and we had a great time walking through the woods, feeding the animals, enjoying the warm winter. I hate having my passport be so important. Geez, when in America half the people (or more) don't even own one. Here, you can't leave home without it. Just one of the little things...
Well, Kaeden is at Judo and Jari in the tub and Erwin should be here any minute to pick Jari up and take him to pick Kaeden up so I can go to choir. I sure have a great, giving husband. But I like to think that he's the way he is cuz I am also a great, giving wife. Dunno his take on the matter, but I think ti takes lots of give/give to make a relationship work. And ours is definitely working. There isn't another man I'd rather be sharing my life with. Now, if he'd just let me get that puppy or kitty I am so craving... :-)
Cheers, Happy 2007, and may it be a prosperous, healthy, wonderful year for all of us!
First, Kaeden and Jari started back to school today. I felt kinda lost wandering around the house all alone today, without playing or creating or cleaning up little boy messes....or yelling! Actually, we had a very uneventful vacation and the boys were excellent...really, unbelievably good. I can only recount one time I really got angry about anything...they spent literally hours in the tents they created in our hallway upstairs, always using every blanket in the house, their mattresses, all the chairs...and always adding a comfy pillow for mama to be included in their parties. Each day we'd look at the clock and just before bedtime we'd pull it all apart so that papa wouldn't see the disasters that our fun left behind...or not all of it anyway! I think most Papa's disagree with teh extent of play mama's allow...at least that's how it is on our front...I like and live freedom of expression. Papa wonders how in the world we can create such a huge mess. I agree, they've got to learn to clean it up too. Anyway, they slept in their tent one night, and were completely overjoyed. And they had a blast doing nothing more than playing at home with nowhere we had to be...
Kaeden is turning TWELVE this week! It's his golden birthday and I'm in a bit of a state about it all. 12 just seems like such a turning point in a kid's life, and I feel a bit sad, a bit excited, a bit overwhelmed by it all. I want this to be a special birthday for him, one he'll always remember...12 on the 12th...what could be a better occasion? So, I've arranged a small bowling party for him and we'll be setting up his new bedroom for him to come home to after his party at school. And I gotta decide what to do about the cake??? Happy Birthday dear son...I sure do love you more with each passing year...
Erwin set up some new spaces for me to organize all my crafting supplies. But I am not a person that excels with organizational skills. Especially in a crafting sense. I threw out about 100 non-working markers today and tried to throw away a bunch of other stuff, but darn it all, someday we might just need it! You know, to glue on some project or someting! I look at my little messy corner and understand his desire to have it all cleaned up...but how? Good question! I made a dent in it, hon...albeit a tiny one! Thanks for the cubbies...all the feathers and pom-poms and buttons haev found a new home!
To date, I am very proud of myself! My goal for 2007 is to gain control of my laundry...and since Jan 1 rolled around I am happy to report that each night before bed every fresh washed item of clothing has found it's way to the closets! No more searching through piles or laundry baskets or the kids asking me where their socks or undies are while I yell back "Just look on mama's bed!" I still haven't gotten around to ironing Erwin's work shirts...but it's onthe agenda for THIS week! Or else, I may have to cash in on that coupon my firend gave me for Christmas...I got 2 hours of free ironing coming my way! HAHA!
My wok lessons start Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it. I like the taste of stir-fry, but whenever I attempt it, all my veggies end up a mushy mess...still tasty, but I went that fresh crispness...you know! Something that snaps when it enters your taste buds! Yum! I hope they don't do all seafood stuff...that'd really disappoint me...but I am lookign forward to it. Now I just gotta get a wok for home to share my new knowledge.
I called about another class that starts nextw eek as well...Explore your other self. Hmmm, quite a title, so I called the lady giving the class and she's going to email me the details. It sounds interesting to me...maybe I could find the person I used to be that I sometimes miss since I've lived in Europe. Maybe I can figure out how to motivate myself to lose some weight or take up crafting again, or start something new like dihital scrapbooking which fascinates me. Or maybe it's total BS, as Erwin's look told me when I suggested to him I wanted to take the class....hahaha, it was quite funny! Anyway, I made the first effort, a call, which is what turns me off from doing 100 things I'd liek to do because it's harder to express yourself in a foreign language on the phone where you can't use body langauge or facial expression to help get your point across...We'll see...
We took the boys for a walk through the woods yesterday...and got stopped by police control on the way there. I didn't bring our passports cuz I didn't feel like carrying them with me all over through the woods...as I explained this to the cop, he just said "You realize you are leaving the country and it's obligatory." Well, they let us continue on our journey anyway with no fine and we had a great time walking through the woods, feeding the animals, enjoying the warm winter. I hate having my passport be so important. Geez, when in America half the people (or more) don't even own one. Here, you can't leave home without it. Just one of the little things...
Well, Kaeden is at Judo and Jari in the tub and Erwin should be here any minute to pick Jari up and take him to pick Kaeden up so I can go to choir. I sure have a great, giving husband. But I like to think that he's the way he is cuz I am also a great, giving wife. Dunno his take on the matter, but I think ti takes lots of give/give to make a relationship work. And ours is definitely working. There isn't another man I'd rather be sharing my life with. Now, if he'd just let me get that puppy or kitty I am so craving... :-)
Cheers, Happy 2007, and may it be a prosperous, healthy, wonderful year for all of us!
1.02.2007
Giving People
I talked to my mom a few days ago. She wished me a happy new year and then announced that my cousin is now living with them. This perked my interest...how'd that all come about?
Anyway, to make a long story short, my cousin has been going through a difficult few years. She has made many poor decisions which led her to a life of drugs (or so we assume) and ultimately led to her losing custody of her children...and she didn't seem to care as her lifestyle held no room for their innocence; she had nothing to give as a mother. As much as this is unbelievable to me, how a mother could abandon her children, and my respect for her as a person dwindled to nothing, I try not to judge people. I try, but I often fail. But, in situations such as this, my parents don't fail. I feel so grateful to report that once my cousin was homeless, just coming out of jail after a domestic dispute with her current partner, as well as possession of a controlled substance, they took her in, with no expectations, other than she do her best...whatever that means to her.
My parents have been in this situation before...an employee of theirs turned to drugs and they nursed her through a downfall and the coming days of rehabilitation. They provided her with the basic needs of love, acceptance, shelter, food, care...that's what they gave...and in return, they have found in her a true friend, someone that cares about them and cherishes them for giving her back her life. She was a success story, and is now married to a great guy, living in her own home with a good job and looking to have children in the coming year. They gave love, and in return that's the same that they got.
My initial reaction to my mom telling me of her new situation was "Oh my gosh, what happened? Are you up to this?" And immediately I started questioning whether they had made any rules, given her an ultimatum, told her to keep drugs out of their home. Mom calmly replied "No, we want her to feel like she has a place to come if she needs us. We're going to be here for her and see where it leads us." I felt a bit ashamed as my mind sent all these negative messages through to my heart...how could they be so giving to a person that has done so much wrong? How could they trust her? How could they give her the love she needs when she doesn't give it back? How would they react when she failed at becoming the person they hope that she will?
I've really thought long and hard the past few days about this situation...not only the situation, but also my reaction to it. The only conclusion I have come to is that I am so blessed to have such giving people as my parents. People that don't need to take in order to give. People that are accepting, people that choose to give in the most negative of situations. I have remembered many times I have seen my parents do this, not so much in this manner, but other little ways...bringing gas to a customer who ran out, staying open late so bus passengers wouldn't have to wait in the cold, giving a homeless man waiting for a bus a meal, helping someone out of a snowbank in which they are stuck. And to me, they give all that I need, all that I have the courage to ask for...but in return, all they expect is that I be the best that I can be. I have failed in many ways, yet they continue to give, proving their commitment to me, their trust that I will do what is right, their acceptance of the person I have become.
Thank you so much for being the people that you are, my dear mom and dad. Thank you for being giving, loving, and caring, not only to me, but all those that need it. Thank you for making this world a little bit better, just one person at a time. I wish you luck with your new endeavor, I hope that it becomes another success story. But if not, I've become convinced that the love you show will not go unnoticed, and in whatever simple way, you have given more than most. I am so happy to call you my parents. Thanks for believing in the gift of love. And making me see that giving is "doing the right thing".
Anyway, to make a long story short, my cousin has been going through a difficult few years. She has made many poor decisions which led her to a life of drugs (or so we assume) and ultimately led to her losing custody of her children...and she didn't seem to care as her lifestyle held no room for their innocence; she had nothing to give as a mother. As much as this is unbelievable to me, how a mother could abandon her children, and my respect for her as a person dwindled to nothing, I try not to judge people. I try, but I often fail. But, in situations such as this, my parents don't fail. I feel so grateful to report that once my cousin was homeless, just coming out of jail after a domestic dispute with her current partner, as well as possession of a controlled substance, they took her in, with no expectations, other than she do her best...whatever that means to her.
My parents have been in this situation before...an employee of theirs turned to drugs and they nursed her through a downfall and the coming days of rehabilitation. They provided her with the basic needs of love, acceptance, shelter, food, care...that's what they gave...and in return, they have found in her a true friend, someone that cares about them and cherishes them for giving her back her life. She was a success story, and is now married to a great guy, living in her own home with a good job and looking to have children in the coming year. They gave love, and in return that's the same that they got.
My initial reaction to my mom telling me of her new situation was "Oh my gosh, what happened? Are you up to this?" And immediately I started questioning whether they had made any rules, given her an ultimatum, told her to keep drugs out of their home. Mom calmly replied "No, we want her to feel like she has a place to come if she needs us. We're going to be here for her and see where it leads us." I felt a bit ashamed as my mind sent all these negative messages through to my heart...how could they be so giving to a person that has done so much wrong? How could they trust her? How could they give her the love she needs when she doesn't give it back? How would they react when she failed at becoming the person they hope that she will?
I've really thought long and hard the past few days about this situation...not only the situation, but also my reaction to it. The only conclusion I have come to is that I am so blessed to have such giving people as my parents. People that don't need to take in order to give. People that are accepting, people that choose to give in the most negative of situations. I have remembered many times I have seen my parents do this, not so much in this manner, but other little ways...bringing gas to a customer who ran out, staying open late so bus passengers wouldn't have to wait in the cold, giving a homeless man waiting for a bus a meal, helping someone out of a snowbank in which they are stuck. And to me, they give all that I need, all that I have the courage to ask for...but in return, all they expect is that I be the best that I can be. I have failed in many ways, yet they continue to give, proving their commitment to me, their trust that I will do what is right, their acceptance of the person I have become.
Thank you so much for being the people that you are, my dear mom and dad. Thank you for being giving, loving, and caring, not only to me, but all those that need it. Thank you for making this world a little bit better, just one person at a time. I wish you luck with your new endeavor, I hope that it becomes another success story. But if not, I've become convinced that the love you show will not go unnoticed, and in whatever simple way, you have given more than most. I am so happy to call you my parents. Thanks for believing in the gift of love. And making me see that giving is "doing the right thing".
1.01.2007
Happy New Year!
It's January 1, 2007...wow, another year and 2006 already lost to life adventures! Well, maybe not so lost, but here we head into 2007...what will come? What will be? The weather is grey and rainy, I hope it's no indication of the year to come...but as much as weather can influence your moods, you are ultimately responsible for what happens in your life, whether you are happy, what accomplishments you make, what successes you can enjoy. You have the control...nobody can do it for you!
Last night we headed to Helmond to pick up Jari from his weekend with oma opa and Ilse. But, we had another mission as well...to ring in the New Year Helmond style...and ring it in we did! When we arrived I got lots of snuggles from my lil guy and that put a right ole smile on Mama's face! We took Kaeden to McD's for a little mama/papa time before picking up the rest of our litter, and he was so sweet and loveable...just happy which penetrated his adorable face. We got to Helmond watching a few fireworks light up the sky...but nothing spectacular. But once we entered oma and opa's house, the New Years spirit started to rise. Erwin got out all his fireworks and started setting all the fuses just right so he could set them off with ease. The kids got tucked in until further notice (that being about 11:40!) and we talked and it was pure gezellig (cozy)! We had some interesting conversations about sex, drugs, and alcohol...and opa presented me with a huge wine glass and a bottle of wine...oh boy...and so the story begins!
I got pretty toasted last night...it's the first time I have ever let myself go in front of my in-laws, but I felt so free and with that wine and champagne flowing through my blood, there was no stopping me...I smiled and laughed and joked and really had an enjoyable evening. It was really a lot of fun!
Once the champagne popped at midnight and we all shared our Best Wishes with each other, we headed outside to experience the light and sound show...it's so amazing, the fireworks here on New Year's...there's really nothing like it and my adrenaline always just rushes. We set off plenty of our own and Jari was very cautious while Kaeden was just pure excited! It is always fun to see all the neighbors come together, giving hands and wishes for the new year.
This morning, after waking up late, the boys presented their News years Surprises to us...super cool! They both give a little presentation with a poem and something neat they have made at school. Jari was a cook and cooked us up a Happy New year while Kaeden had made a scroll with rhyming words from the grammar he is learning and gave us a kiss on our nose...my boys make me so happy!
Happy New Year one and all...I hope yours is starting out as nice as mine...with love and wishes for a great 2007 from those that you love ...how could it get any better?
12.27.2006
Christmas is over. I always feel a bit sad once the holiday is complete...no more running around like a chicken with my head chopped off trying to get everything done, just messes to clean up from all the goodness the holiday has left behind. And then, there is New Years to look forward to, which has become another quite exciting holiday since moving to Holland where the fireworks light up the night sky. But once New Years eve has passed and 2007 is upon us, there is the humdrum of winter days with nothing to look forward to, except spring which seems so far away. Still, it was another very ncie Christmas, with lots of little things that made it so. I love sharing the excitement of the season with my boys. And this year there were the concerts with the choir in which I was able to take part, as well as a delicious 5 course meal prepared by oma. There was the little Christmas party we hosted to share the day with friends, and planning to visit Santa Claus at the garden center where they produced snow to create that winter wonderland feeling. And of course, the boys got to choose their yearly ornament which always gives my heart a pitter-patter as I watch which they choose toa dorn our already overflowing tree. All the cards we receive which I can't wait to open and read the Christmas letters to see what has been happening with all my family and friends, and packages that arrive in the mail from family too far away. There are the phone calls between countries, discussing what we all want for Christmas as well as sharing all our holiday wishes. There is Christmas music playing on the stereo and Christmas movies watched on TV, family nights sitting around drinking hot cocoa, and eating decorated Christmas cookies which leave behind trails of dusty flour. There is the ever daily task of cleaning up pine needles that litter the floor and ending the night by turning off the glowing lights the decorate our home, knowing I'll be turning them on for the same effect the following morning. And then there is vacation from school...days I long to have fun with my boys as we have no schedules to meet, no mornign rush and no worries. Today, we have done nothing...we've played a few games, eaten a few meals, but linger yet in our pyjamas, teeth not brushed, faces not washed, as the dark night sky already descends upon us...I suppose I will put the kiddos to bed in teh same clothing they wore all day. I wanted to go out and have fun today, but with our colds and the boys completely happy staying in the comfy warm house, I decided we'd save adventures for another day...they have wanted to do nothing more than watch cartoons and eat popcorn...and so, that's what we've done...it's vacation after all...and so far, there have been only two minor arguments, which has made it a peaceful day to boot. Hopefully, that trend will continue throughout our vacation from school.
Anyway, it was a wonderful end to 2006...and now, onto the next phase of life, a new year and more experiences in which to partake.
Anyway, it was a wonderful end to 2006...and now, onto the next phase of life, a new year and more experiences in which to partake.
12.23.2006
12.22.2006
A Sad Boy
I heard crying coming from his room. It was most unexpected, as he'd been dancing and singing all evening to songs on his CD player. I had just tucked him in, we'd laughed at a story, I sang a song and then he decided he wanted to listen to more music. When I gave him a kiss and told him to have sweet dreams, I had no idea of the sadness that was trapped inside his soul...and I didn't know it until I heard the sobbing coming from behind his closed door as I put away the laundry.
I quietly walked to his door and listened. I heard him talking to himself, crying about all the friends he was going to miss, about how nobody cares what he thinks. It broke my heart, that he couldn't talk to me sooner, that he thought that I didn't care...I do care, with every breath of my being, I care. So I entered his room and asked him why he was so sad.
Well, he has to move into a new classroom with the return to school after Christmas break. Every time we have discussed this, he's sounded excited about it and totally okay with the changes...changes for him are difficult, but he was taking it all in stride and seemed even gung ho about having a class with just three children. But not tonight. Tonight, my son, my Kaeden, hit a low, and could think of nothing but the friends he'd leave behind, the teacher that would no longer be his, the new situation a bit too demanding for a child of 11 with autism. He's been in the same calssroom with the same teacher for three years now, and it is a major deal. The class he is in is too trying for his teacher and they decided to split the kids up and make a few changes. Little did they know what pain would come to my lil guy's life. His sobbing just kept increasing as I talked to him about all the advantages to moving into the new class....but nothing mattered other than the fact that he would not see his friends or his teacher on the regular basis that he is so secure with now. Nothing could bring him to freedom, not even mama's kisses, mama's hair rubs, mama's words of wisdom.
As Kaeden asked me to leave him be alone, my own eyes filled with tears. For the first time in his life, he wanted me to leave him to his misery. "I just need to be by myself right now," are the exact words he used. And as I realized that there was no more I could do other than let him work through this pain alone, I kissed him goodnight and assured him I would be there if he needed me, all he needed to do was call. As I closed his door, he asked me to come back in a little while and check on him...my one consolation that he still needs me to help him heal this wound.
My son, I wish you peace in your new adventure. I promise you that everything will be okay...you have conquered so much already, you can conquer this too. Be strong, my boy...and I am here for you, whenever you decide you need me. And Kaeden, I love you more than all the stars in the sky...
I quietly walked to his door and listened. I heard him talking to himself, crying about all the friends he was going to miss, about how nobody cares what he thinks. It broke my heart, that he couldn't talk to me sooner, that he thought that I didn't care...I do care, with every breath of my being, I care. So I entered his room and asked him why he was so sad.
Well, he has to move into a new classroom with the return to school after Christmas break. Every time we have discussed this, he's sounded excited about it and totally okay with the changes...changes for him are difficult, but he was taking it all in stride and seemed even gung ho about having a class with just three children. But not tonight. Tonight, my son, my Kaeden, hit a low, and could think of nothing but the friends he'd leave behind, the teacher that would no longer be his, the new situation a bit too demanding for a child of 11 with autism. He's been in the same calssroom with the same teacher for three years now, and it is a major deal. The class he is in is too trying for his teacher and they decided to split the kids up and make a few changes. Little did they know what pain would come to my lil guy's life. His sobbing just kept increasing as I talked to him about all the advantages to moving into the new class....but nothing mattered other than the fact that he would not see his friends or his teacher on the regular basis that he is so secure with now. Nothing could bring him to freedom, not even mama's kisses, mama's hair rubs, mama's words of wisdom.
As Kaeden asked me to leave him be alone, my own eyes filled with tears. For the first time in his life, he wanted me to leave him to his misery. "I just need to be by myself right now," are the exact words he used. And as I realized that there was no more I could do other than let him work through this pain alone, I kissed him goodnight and assured him I would be there if he needed me, all he needed to do was call. As I closed his door, he asked me to come back in a little while and check on him...my one consolation that he still needs me to help him heal this wound.
My son, I wish you peace in your new adventure. I promise you that everything will be okay...you have conquered so much already, you can conquer this too. Be strong, my boy...and I am here for you, whenever you decide you need me. And Kaeden, I love you more than all the stars in the sky...
Losing My Cool
Today started out in a bit of a fashion...a fashion that's gone out of style and I'm not really happy to be wearing. Kaeden was being his normal morning self (not exactly easy, happy, or cooperative), and Erwin got mad...and when I defended Kaeden (it really wasn't his fault, but mine) Erwin accused me of taking the blame for something he did again. Well, maybe I do that at times, but in this case, it was relevant. In any case, as I finished packing Erwin's lunch, I suddenly got the urge to put on those out of style jeans and smashed his sandwiches as I threw them against the wall. It had nothing to do with him, nothing to do with Kaed, but all to do with me and my lack of control. I get that way at times...and after looking back I understand the cause of my tantrum. I was stressed out! I was trying to get all the little gift bags packaged into Merry Christmas form before the bus came honking and Erwin took off for work, and this simple addition to the normal morning stress was too much to handle...I lost it, once again throwing my fury towards my husband...the one person I know can handle my irrational outbursts...he continues to stand by my side and give me his love and support, whatever I may throw his way...even if it is smashed sandwiches for the day.
Anyway, these little outbursts I have are enough to throw my entire day off balance, put me in a sullen mood, and cause me to have minor crying fits throughout the entire day, wondering why, when I have so much to be greatful for, one little something can throw me totally over the edge. I never feel good about that person I become, and guilt wreaks havok on my body and spirit. And I wonder if I am deserving of all the goodness that I have been blessed with in my life.
So, to try to create some order to my soul, I decided to take a minute to remember all that I am thankful for...here's just a sampling of a few of those "little things":
I am able to be a stay at home mom, nourishing my children with the security of having a parent always at their beckoning call. As much as I'd like to work parttime, I know that for my children, being home and taking care of them is the most important job I could be doing. They never have to worry about where they are supposed to be or who will be caring for them, because mama is always there to kiss a bruised knee, listen to a story, turn on a movie, prepare a meal, find a clean pair of undies, and just be present...and I am fulfilled by being a mom home with her children.
I have a husband that is not demanding of me. If things in the house are not done, if clothes are not ironed or dishes not washed, I don't have to worry about hearing him nag me. He accepts me for who I am, is always available to listen to my stories, helps me get the kids to bed at night, and does anything I ask of him within reason. He is a wonderful husband, a loving dad, and a partner in life I wouldn't want to be without. He also allows me to have time alone and is always aware of my activities and never gives me reason I can't do the things I want and enjoy. He is supportive of me.
I have a home which provides me with warm shelter, food is always abundant on the table, clothing which fits for all occasions...all those simple needs that one has in life. We live a comfortable life and afford many luxuries that offer us a well-balanced lifestyle. We don't want for much, our bills are always paid, and we don't have the nagging financial worries always hanging over our heads. That's not to say we are rich by any means, we live check to check like the majority of people, but we do so in a manner that fulfills us and provides plenty of little extras to give us a complete, well-rounded life.
The phone and internet keeps me in touch with family and friends. Without the luxury of good calling ratesI'd be so lost in life. I have a definite desire to speak to my mom and can afford to do so at least a couple times each week. I don't have to worry that we'll go broke if we want to share time laughing. And the internet allows me that same luxury with other family members, some of whom I am just learning to know again. It's wonderful knowing there are so many people out there that care, that wonder how I am, and keep in touch.
Friendship. I have friends, old and new. I have always been a bit hard to get to know as I shy away from getting too close to people, but I have made some very good friends in my life that provide me with everything I need. I hope that I do the same for them. Friends really add a lot to life, giving you support and love and the gift of understanding. They are fun to laugh with and carry on with, knowing they'll be there for you no matter what.
For the gift of my voice. I never knew that singing would bring me such a sense of release, but it does. When I sing I can throw out all the frustrations of life through song, give my lungs a good workout, and do it in the form of something beautiful. I am grateful that I have the choir to give me something of my own in which I can be among people all sharing a common interest.
My boys. They give me just about everything one can imagine. It's not all good, but it does show that I have a wonderful range of emotion!!! Mostly though, when i look at my kids, I have a feeling of awe. I just can't believe that I helped in the creation of something so beautiful, that I was given such a gift to protect and guide, that I was entrusted to care for them and give them my love. They are such amazing little people with such differing personalities. They bring me that star at the end of the day and that sunshine every morning. They are my life and I never would ahve guessed what a great sense of accomplishment these little people create within me. My little bug and my Riley boy, they bring me hope, happiness, and love.
My fishies. It may sound crazy, but I love to watch them swim, feed them, clean their tank, to talk to them and watch as they come to the top knowing I am going to provide for them. I could watch them for hours, just wondering about their lives. I really get fulfillment from my fish, and though I'd like another pet, they do give me satisfaction.
There is so much more, but I am already feeling more free...and on top of that, my littlest love just came in from outside and asked that I play memory with him. And I want to go play, give him my complete attention, let him know he is worthy of my time. So, for now, I will go change out of those outdated pants and step into something more comfortable, something a bit more stylish, and feel good about me and my life.
Anyway, these little outbursts I have are enough to throw my entire day off balance, put me in a sullen mood, and cause me to have minor crying fits throughout the entire day, wondering why, when I have so much to be greatful for, one little something can throw me totally over the edge. I never feel good about that person I become, and guilt wreaks havok on my body and spirit. And I wonder if I am deserving of all the goodness that I have been blessed with in my life.
So, to try to create some order to my soul, I decided to take a minute to remember all that I am thankful for...here's just a sampling of a few of those "little things":
I am able to be a stay at home mom, nourishing my children with the security of having a parent always at their beckoning call. As much as I'd like to work parttime, I know that for my children, being home and taking care of them is the most important job I could be doing. They never have to worry about where they are supposed to be or who will be caring for them, because mama is always there to kiss a bruised knee, listen to a story, turn on a movie, prepare a meal, find a clean pair of undies, and just be present...and I am fulfilled by being a mom home with her children.
I have a husband that is not demanding of me. If things in the house are not done, if clothes are not ironed or dishes not washed, I don't have to worry about hearing him nag me. He accepts me for who I am, is always available to listen to my stories, helps me get the kids to bed at night, and does anything I ask of him within reason. He is a wonderful husband, a loving dad, and a partner in life I wouldn't want to be without. He also allows me to have time alone and is always aware of my activities and never gives me reason I can't do the things I want and enjoy. He is supportive of me.
I have a home which provides me with warm shelter, food is always abundant on the table, clothing which fits for all occasions...all those simple needs that one has in life. We live a comfortable life and afford many luxuries that offer us a well-balanced lifestyle. We don't want for much, our bills are always paid, and we don't have the nagging financial worries always hanging over our heads. That's not to say we are rich by any means, we live check to check like the majority of people, but we do so in a manner that fulfills us and provides plenty of little extras to give us a complete, well-rounded life.
The phone and internet keeps me in touch with family and friends. Without the luxury of good calling ratesI'd be so lost in life. I have a definite desire to speak to my mom and can afford to do so at least a couple times each week. I don't have to worry that we'll go broke if we want to share time laughing. And the internet allows me that same luxury with other family members, some of whom I am just learning to know again. It's wonderful knowing there are so many people out there that care, that wonder how I am, and keep in touch.
Friendship. I have friends, old and new. I have always been a bit hard to get to know as I shy away from getting too close to people, but I have made some very good friends in my life that provide me with everything I need. I hope that I do the same for them. Friends really add a lot to life, giving you support and love and the gift of understanding. They are fun to laugh with and carry on with, knowing they'll be there for you no matter what.
For the gift of my voice. I never knew that singing would bring me such a sense of release, but it does. When I sing I can throw out all the frustrations of life through song, give my lungs a good workout, and do it in the form of something beautiful. I am grateful that I have the choir to give me something of my own in which I can be among people all sharing a common interest.
My boys. They give me just about everything one can imagine. It's not all good, but it does show that I have a wonderful range of emotion!!! Mostly though, when i look at my kids, I have a feeling of awe. I just can't believe that I helped in the creation of something so beautiful, that I was given such a gift to protect and guide, that I was entrusted to care for them and give them my love. They are such amazing little people with such differing personalities. They bring me that star at the end of the day and that sunshine every morning. They are my life and I never would ahve guessed what a great sense of accomplishment these little people create within me. My little bug and my Riley boy, they bring me hope, happiness, and love.
My fishies. It may sound crazy, but I love to watch them swim, feed them, clean their tank, to talk to them and watch as they come to the top knowing I am going to provide for them. I could watch them for hours, just wondering about their lives. I really get fulfillment from my fish, and though I'd like another pet, they do give me satisfaction.
There is so much more, but I am already feeling more free...and on top of that, my littlest love just came in from outside and asked that I play memory with him. And I want to go play, give him my complete attention, let him know he is worthy of my time. So, for now, I will go change out of those outdated pants and step into something more comfortable, something a bit more stylish, and feel good about me and my life.
12.18.2006
Christmas Thoughts
Christmas...a time when magic fills the air, the twinkling lights and glow of the Christmas tree fills your heart with peace, Christmas songs lift your spirit, you feel alive!!! And why shouldn't we as we celebrate the birth of Christ? What He gave for us to be able to enjoy this holiday, this festival, to have this peace fill us? And with Christmas, comes the added bonus of Santa and his reindeer and sleigh filled with toys for good girls and boys. Commercial? Maybe, but it has it's own sense of magic, and with kids in the house, you can't help but get caught up in the adventure of Santa and all that he means.
I purchased The Polar Express as it's my favorite Christmas story, and the boys have enjoyed watching it with me numerous times since I pulled it fresh from the package last week. They don't quite get the message, but my heart burns and my eyes fill with tears each time I watch the movie, feeling the magic and hearing the jingle of the bell, the sign that I am a believer...and believer I am. I remember when I first started to question Santa Claus and whether he was real, my mom gave me some very steadfast words of wisdom: The magic of Santa will never leave you as long as you believe. And each year as I wrap packages and see the twinkle in my children's eyes as they await Santa's visit, I know that her words ring true; for me, Santa is magical!
But, there is another side to this story, one that fills me with a bit of sadness, a sense of loss, a wish for a bit more magic. Erwin did not grow up knowing Santa. He did not celebrate Christmas in the manner that I know Christmas...nor did my in-laws and many other people from this part of the world. In school, Christmas is only discussed as the birth of baby Jesus...there are no stories of Santa and what he will bring, no sitting on Santa's knee and telling him your dreams for the year. And because Erwin has never known the magic of Santa, he cannot share the excitement of the Christmas season with me. He sees only Sinterklaas as the magical holiday figure and makes jokes about Santa, the fat, drunk man trying to look like Sinterklaas. He doesn't feel the magic of this cheery fellow with a nose like a cherry that laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He doesn't grasp the feeling of nostalgia I have when trying to bring this magic alive for my children in a culture where he does not reign king. He can't understand the deep love of the Christmas holiday that I have, the magic that fills my soul, the spirit that comes in the form of Santa.
That's why, as I watch The Polar Express, I cry. I ache for my husband to feel the same magic that I do. To have just a glimmer of the passion that comes with my favorite holiday of the year. And he can't, becasue he has no history. My in-laws came and the boys tlaked them into watching The Polar Express. As I sat at the ending with tears streaming down my cheeks, they couldn't possibly understand what it meant to me. They haven't got that magic in their hearts...the magic that comes from childhood and brings you to this moment in your life. They have that magic only when Sinterklaas arrives, but with Santa, it's me alone that has to pass on this tradition, the magic, the spirit of this jolly fellow and hope that my children grow up believing as I do...believing in the magic of this red-suited man with a twinkle in his eye. Because if you believe, the magic of Santa will live on forever...wise words passed down through the generations!
I will leave you with a hearty HO HO HO!!!! MERRRRRYYYY CHRISTMAS! And wishes for the magic of this blessed season to fill your heart...
I purchased The Polar Express as it's my favorite Christmas story, and the boys have enjoyed watching it with me numerous times since I pulled it fresh from the package last week. They don't quite get the message, but my heart burns and my eyes fill with tears each time I watch the movie, feeling the magic and hearing the jingle of the bell, the sign that I am a believer...and believer I am. I remember when I first started to question Santa Claus and whether he was real, my mom gave me some very steadfast words of wisdom: The magic of Santa will never leave you as long as you believe. And each year as I wrap packages and see the twinkle in my children's eyes as they await Santa's visit, I know that her words ring true; for me, Santa is magical!
But, there is another side to this story, one that fills me with a bit of sadness, a sense of loss, a wish for a bit more magic. Erwin did not grow up knowing Santa. He did not celebrate Christmas in the manner that I know Christmas...nor did my in-laws and many other people from this part of the world. In school, Christmas is only discussed as the birth of baby Jesus...there are no stories of Santa and what he will bring, no sitting on Santa's knee and telling him your dreams for the year. And because Erwin has never known the magic of Santa, he cannot share the excitement of the Christmas season with me. He sees only Sinterklaas as the magical holiday figure and makes jokes about Santa, the fat, drunk man trying to look like Sinterklaas. He doesn't feel the magic of this cheery fellow with a nose like a cherry that laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He doesn't grasp the feeling of nostalgia I have when trying to bring this magic alive for my children in a culture where he does not reign king. He can't understand the deep love of the Christmas holiday that I have, the magic that fills my soul, the spirit that comes in the form of Santa.
That's why, as I watch The Polar Express, I cry. I ache for my husband to feel the same magic that I do. To have just a glimmer of the passion that comes with my favorite holiday of the year. And he can't, becasue he has no history. My in-laws came and the boys tlaked them into watching The Polar Express. As I sat at the ending with tears streaming down my cheeks, they couldn't possibly understand what it meant to me. They haven't got that magic in their hearts...the magic that comes from childhood and brings you to this moment in your life. They have that magic only when Sinterklaas arrives, but with Santa, it's me alone that has to pass on this tradition, the magic, the spirit of this jolly fellow and hope that my children grow up believing as I do...believing in the magic of this red-suited man with a twinkle in his eye. Because if you believe, the magic of Santa will live on forever...wise words passed down through the generations!
I will leave you with a hearty HO HO HO!!!! MERRRRRYYYY CHRISTMAS! And wishes for the magic of this blessed season to fill your heart...
12.14.2006
Mayonnaise
I took the huge bottle of mayonnaise out of the fridge today. Jari wanted hot dogs for lunch and as I put his suace on the plate, I realized how much mayonnaise we actually go through. My son will not eat without his precious mayonnaise in which to dip every item of food. The only time I don't bring out the mayo with a meal is when it's cereal for breakfast. It just hit me funny today, putting his glob of mayo on the plate and I laughed out loud. When I brought jari his cut up hotdog, before he even looked at the plate, he said "And the sauce (mayo) too?" When I handed him his plate with a huge laugh pointing to the mayo, his baby blues lit up and he was completely content.
So, I decided to look up the origin of mayonnaise, and what it is that makes my son so satisfied at mealtime. Have a peek here ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mayonnaise) to see what makes my son tick (and grow too!).
Happy eating...mayonnaise, no less.
So, I decided to look up the origin of mayonnaise, and what it is that makes my son so satisfied at mealtime. Have a peek here ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mayonnaise) to see what makes my son tick (and grow too!).
Happy eating...mayonnaise, no less.
12.12.2006
Autism Counselor
Our autism counselor just left. She came today to discuss how Kaeden is doing...well, he's been okay, but things have been better. All the hoopla of the holiday season is difficult for him. He enjoys it so very much, while at the same time the stress is overwhelming for him. Think about how much the holidays throw you in a loop and multiply that by 100 times and you have an idea how it affects him. Every one of his senses works overtime every day of his life. Every sound, sight, smell, taste, and feeling is multiplied, and they all work simultaneously. He doesn't have the option of turning off his senses. For many people, walking in a kitchen with dinner cooking smells delicious. For Kaeden, all at once, he smells the dinner cooking, sees the mess on the countertop, his tastebuds work to bring the smell to fruition, he hears the sissing of the boiling water, he feels the heat in the air...and while we notice all of that, it comes in parts...for him it's like a sensory overload.
Our counselor reminded me that while "fun" activities such as amusement parks and carnivals and zoos are wonderful for the average person, autistic individuals go into sensory overload and it overtakes their entire system. She asked me not to forget a walk in the woods or a bike ride along quiet streets to help Kaeden relax during this busy period, to bring him peace and contentment in this world full of so many sights, sounds, and smells.
We discussed Jari, and how he will soon be bypassing Kaeden in many different ways as he grows and finds his way in this world. Kaeden will probably react to this negatively as he sees his brother succeed, while he realizes that Jari is more normal than he is. However, she also told me that in 99% of cases with an older autistic sibling, the younger child is more compassionate for his sibling, learns to help him through life, is there for him. The younger child cares about his sibling more than anyone, as he has always had this autistic child in his life. He hasn't known life any differently and needs the fulfillment of the autistic person in his life. Often, siblings of autistic children grow up to work in a profession working with people, because they ahve been trained from birth to recognize differences and emotions, to accept people for who they are. I know Jari is learning patience and acceptance even as he learns how easy it is for him to bring Kaeden to tears. I hope that in time he uses this ability for the good.
I was told that recent studies have proved that the father passes on the autistic gene to his child. In the case of an autistic father, their child will have autism with 54% if he is a boy and 34% if she is a girl. Our counselor told me that because of the high outcome of a child being born with autism, Kaeden should realistically not have children. It is passed on through the father. 90% of children that have autism have it from a gene passed from the father, 10% from some form of brain damage.
As for Kaeden's problem with cussing? We need to tell him what words he can use in place of the cuss words. He doesn't have the tools to figure out what he can say in place of the bad word, so he simply says the bad word. In the case when he is angry, he doesn't even recognize what he is saying or doing until after the fact. In these moments it in impossible to reach him. Even after, when he knows what he's done is wrong, he can't put two and two together to stop it the following time. With tools that we offer him to help, he may eventually be able to turn the behavior around, but it needs to be with assistance, as it is not something he can do on his own.
I don't know why I wanted to write about this today. I know only that it is always a relief to have the counselor come and talk with me about my son. She is someone who tells me each time Is ee her what a good job we are doing with our son. She says that Kaeden knows he is loved and feels secure enough with us to let his emotions and pain and fear show at home, even as he hides it when others are around. He needs to be accepted for who he is, and the older he gets, the more noticeable his handicap becomes, to us, to him, and to society. We need to be his lighthouse for this ship out at sea. We need to guide him, reach him, and give him strength and security. We need to love him.
Each time our counselor comes, I get teary-eyed as we discuss my child. I get teary-eyed as she tells me that the life I am leading is difficult, that having a child in a wheelchair with mental retardation is easier than dealing with the day in day out crisis of a child with autism. Because a child with autism is inconsistent, tiring, and stressful, and life never has teh easy feel of peace. As I tell her thank you as she walks out my door, I truly mean it. Thank you for helping me to understand, for coming to terms with this disability, for making me smile as I hear success stories and for making me cry as I share my pain and feeling of being an inadequate mother. Thank you for letting me be me, the mother of an autistic child.
Our counselor reminded me that while "fun" activities such as amusement parks and carnivals and zoos are wonderful for the average person, autistic individuals go into sensory overload and it overtakes their entire system. She asked me not to forget a walk in the woods or a bike ride along quiet streets to help Kaeden relax during this busy period, to bring him peace and contentment in this world full of so many sights, sounds, and smells.
We discussed Jari, and how he will soon be bypassing Kaeden in many different ways as he grows and finds his way in this world. Kaeden will probably react to this negatively as he sees his brother succeed, while he realizes that Jari is more normal than he is. However, she also told me that in 99% of cases with an older autistic sibling, the younger child is more compassionate for his sibling, learns to help him through life, is there for him. The younger child cares about his sibling more than anyone, as he has always had this autistic child in his life. He hasn't known life any differently and needs the fulfillment of the autistic person in his life. Often, siblings of autistic children grow up to work in a profession working with people, because they ahve been trained from birth to recognize differences and emotions, to accept people for who they are. I know Jari is learning patience and acceptance even as he learns how easy it is for him to bring Kaeden to tears. I hope that in time he uses this ability for the good.
I was told that recent studies have proved that the father passes on the autistic gene to his child. In the case of an autistic father, their child will have autism with 54% if he is a boy and 34% if she is a girl. Our counselor told me that because of the high outcome of a child being born with autism, Kaeden should realistically not have children. It is passed on through the father. 90% of children that have autism have it from a gene passed from the father, 10% from some form of brain damage.
As for Kaeden's problem with cussing? We need to tell him what words he can use in place of the cuss words. He doesn't have the tools to figure out what he can say in place of the bad word, so he simply says the bad word. In the case when he is angry, he doesn't even recognize what he is saying or doing until after the fact. In these moments it in impossible to reach him. Even after, when he knows what he's done is wrong, he can't put two and two together to stop it the following time. With tools that we offer him to help, he may eventually be able to turn the behavior around, but it needs to be with assistance, as it is not something he can do on his own.
I don't know why I wanted to write about this today. I know only that it is always a relief to have the counselor come and talk with me about my son. She is someone who tells me each time Is ee her what a good job we are doing with our son. She says that Kaeden knows he is loved and feels secure enough with us to let his emotions and pain and fear show at home, even as he hides it when others are around. He needs to be accepted for who he is, and the older he gets, the more noticeable his handicap becomes, to us, to him, and to society. We need to be his lighthouse for this ship out at sea. We need to guide him, reach him, and give him strength and security. We need to love him.
Each time our counselor comes, I get teary-eyed as we discuss my child. I get teary-eyed as she tells me that the life I am leading is difficult, that having a child in a wheelchair with mental retardation is easier than dealing with the day in day out crisis of a child with autism. Because a child with autism is inconsistent, tiring, and stressful, and life never has teh easy feel of peace. As I tell her thank you as she walks out my door, I truly mean it. Thank you for helping me to understand, for coming to terms with this disability, for making me smile as I hear success stories and for making me cry as I share my pain and feeling of being an inadequate mother. Thank you for letting me be me, the mother of an autistic child.
12.08.2006
Happy?!
Wow! I live in the happiest part of Europe! Makes me wonder why with all the rain we've been having pouring down and no sun whatsoever to be seen...Jari even asked me yesterday at lunch time if it was already bedtime since it was so dark outside. Anyway, I have a Dutch family and live in Belgium so I should be just about at the top in happiness factor...maybe I need a bit more practice!?! I truly wonder what creates happiness? The only thing I do know is that it has to come from within...or then again, maybe you've just got to be nuts! :-) Here's the article from Expatica news...
Belgians amongst 'happiest' Europeans
6 December 2006
BRUSSELS - The Dutch are the happiest Europeans followed by the Irish and the Belgians, reveals a new survey.
Belgians also rank amongst the biggest consumers of psychological self-help books, but scientists haven't researched into whether there is a link between this and the findings of the 'happiness' survey.
This survey initiated by the European Commission showed that the Dutch are the Happiest Europeans surveyed with as many as 83 percent of Dutch respondents answering positively.
The Irish join the ranks of happiest European with 82 percent giving positive answers, followed by the Belgians with 80 percent.Lithuania, Bulgaria and, surprisingly, Italy, are amongst the countries with the most unhappy residents. Only 42 percent of the participants questioned in these countries said they were happy.
But the results of this survey are not all positive for Belgians.
Relatively, Belgium hospitalises more people for mental health reasons then any other European country. Per capita, there are five times as many patients hospitalised for psychological illness in Belgium than the European average.
In short, Belgians may be crazy but they're happy.
[Copyright Expatica news 2006]
Belgians amongst 'happiest' Europeans
6 December 2006
BRUSSELS - The Dutch are the happiest Europeans followed by the Irish and the Belgians, reveals a new survey.
Belgians also rank amongst the biggest consumers of psychological self-help books, but scientists haven't researched into whether there is a link between this and the findings of the 'happiness' survey.
This survey initiated by the European Commission showed that the Dutch are the Happiest Europeans surveyed with as many as 83 percent of Dutch respondents answering positively.
The Irish join the ranks of happiest European with 82 percent giving positive answers, followed by the Belgians with 80 percent.Lithuania, Bulgaria and, surprisingly, Italy, are amongst the countries with the most unhappy residents. Only 42 percent of the participants questioned in these countries said they were happy.
But the results of this survey are not all positive for Belgians.
Relatively, Belgium hospitalises more people for mental health reasons then any other European country. Per capita, there are five times as many patients hospitalised for psychological illness in Belgium than the European average.
In short, Belgians may be crazy but they're happy.
[Copyright Expatica news 2006]
12.07.2006
Cheater
Jari stayed home with mama today. He's been getting to bed really late and when he was still sleeping this morning, I left him to doze under his covers. He woke about 9:30 in a pretty happy mood. I was glad I let him sleep. So, it was a big playdate today. One of those days I can say that I accomplished a whole bunch...entertaining my child and enjoying his company. We played Kid Monoploy time and time again...but...
During one game Jari really wanted to land on the free money space. Each time he missed the space he'd get frustrated and count the dice with how many throws he'd need to reach it again. I knew he was on a mission. And with good reason, there was about $11...quite a lot in Kid Monoploy! Anyway, I went to make a cup of coffee...it was his turn to go. He threw the dice and I saw it land on the table...a number 3...I continued making my coffee. Suddenly I hear him scream out "Mama, I got a SIX! Now I get ALL the money!" And I see his little hand reach over and grasp the dollars, his eyes twinkling with satisfaction.
So, knowing that he cheated, I asked "Jari, are you SURE you got a six? Cuz, I won't play a game with someone that cheats." He pipes up with "I didn't cheat!" But I saw the twinkle in his eyes dim as he stared back at me with his big blue eyes. So, we sat across from each other staring. I told him to go ahead and take the money if he didn't cheat. As his hand closed over the dollars, he reluctantly left them on the board. Then he looked and me and just shook his head yes. "You did cheat?" I asked him. When he turned his eyes away from mine, I knew he realized he had been caught. I told him it isn't fun to play if people cheat, and that God is also not proud of him when he does'something like that. And he explained that it was gonna be a six but then it rolled over to a three but he thought it was a six. I chuckled to myself, again reiterating that it's not okay to lie.
As we finished the game and Jari eventually did win the money honestly (in fact, he won the entire game), as we were cleaning up he asked, "Well, is grampa gonna be mad at me too if I lie?" I couldn't help but let a little laugh escape my lips...
During one game Jari really wanted to land on the free money space. Each time he missed the space he'd get frustrated and count the dice with how many throws he'd need to reach it again. I knew he was on a mission. And with good reason, there was about $11...quite a lot in Kid Monoploy! Anyway, I went to make a cup of coffee...it was his turn to go. He threw the dice and I saw it land on the table...a number 3...I continued making my coffee. Suddenly I hear him scream out "Mama, I got a SIX! Now I get ALL the money!" And I see his little hand reach over and grasp the dollars, his eyes twinkling with satisfaction.
So, knowing that he cheated, I asked "Jari, are you SURE you got a six? Cuz, I won't play a game with someone that cheats." He pipes up with "I didn't cheat!" But I saw the twinkle in his eyes dim as he stared back at me with his big blue eyes. So, we sat across from each other staring. I told him to go ahead and take the money if he didn't cheat. As his hand closed over the dollars, he reluctantly left them on the board. Then he looked and me and just shook his head yes. "You did cheat?" I asked him. When he turned his eyes away from mine, I knew he realized he had been caught. I told him it isn't fun to play if people cheat, and that God is also not proud of him when he does'something like that. And he explained that it was gonna be a six but then it rolled over to a three but he thought it was a six. I chuckled to myself, again reiterating that it's not okay to lie.
As we finished the game and Jari eventually did win the money honestly (in fact, he won the entire game), as we were cleaning up he asked, "Well, is grampa gonna be mad at me too if I lie?" I couldn't help but let a little laugh escape my lips...
12.06.2006
Little Faces
Here is a story I wrote for an autism website. It is being considered for publication in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book. Whether or not it is published, writing it gave me a sense of freedom, reminding me that dealing with autism has many trials, but we are making it even through all the heart-wrenching times. This story is being considered for the Changed Attitudes section of the book. Maybe reading it will also alter your views of handicapped people.
It was a September morning, the sun shining bright, the excitement of a new school year fueling our spirit. It was our first month living in Belgium, a new town, a new school, new friends and activities. I had breakfast on the table and clothes waiting on a chair for my 11 year old son, Kaeden. Of course, there were also all his picture cards lined up to help him organise his morning chores. As I climbed the stairs to wake him for this day, a slight panic started to form in the pit of my stomach. My son has autism, borderline asperger's/PDD-NOS, with a combination of ADHD. Today was his first day in this new school, where nobody knew about his diagnosis. Yet I was thrilled at the same time. This little boy was going to be placed in a special needs school had we continued living in Holland, but with our move to Belgium came the opportunity to once again make a go of it in the local, "normal" school.
You see, as his mother, the idea of him being handicapped and being unable to live a so-called normal life squeezed the breath from my lungs and caused a cloud of darkness to envelop my spirit in sadness. I had already been dealt the blow of his first diagnosis of ADHD a few years prior, but the newer autism diagnosis was one which just tore my heart to shreds. It wasn't that I didn't realize my son was a bit different than other children, a bit behind the mental age of his peers, a bit more unruly and wiggly, a bit more aggressive, a bit too friendly with strangers. Of course I knew all those things, but in my heart, I could not see him as being anything other than my child, the tiny baby that I carried in my womb and held close to me after giving birth, the child I nurtured with the milk from my own body, the child I watched grow and take form and become the Kaeden that he is today. Today, yes, a chance to once again hide his disability and hide my own inability to accept him for exactly who he is.
As my son woke and quickly jumped up with the excitemet of school on the horizon, I was filled with relief. Mornings for Kaeden are extremely difficult, and getting him ready on time is always a chore. Today he jumped right up, proving to me that this new start was a good choice for him, and in my mind I conjured up images of him bringing real friends home from shool to play, taking part in school activities, catching up in reading and writing and graduating at the top of his class. As we prepared for our first day of school, I was filled with peace.
The peace was short lived. After his first day in his new school, beaming with pride as I went to pick him up, a smile on my face ready to see him and hear all about his day, I was confronted by the director of the school. She informed me that Kaeden seemed ill-prepared for his age group and they had placed him in a class one level down. She also wanted him to be tested and see what options were available for Kaeden. My heart sunk, my breath became labored, tears started to form in my eyes. Was I the only one who could see this child's potential? Was I the only one who cared about giving him the very best? Why couldn't he make it through one day without giving me these new problems? I felt totally defeated.
As the testing was completed over the course of a couple weeks, my son continued to attend the local school. He seemed happy enough there, but was not making any real progress, hadn't formed any real clicks with any of the kids. With all the results compiled, we went to the dreaded appointment for the results. I heard them tell me all the scores, explain all the reasons he could not be successful in their school, and then heard a scream tear through my body as they told me they had made an appointment for me to visit the special needs school just a short bus ride from our home. I had failed. I had failed at hiding his disability and I was being punished by reality. My son was not equipped to deal with life at a normal school.
We headed to the special needs school and were greeted with kindness. Yes, they had the training to help children like Kaeden, yes, he could learn all the same material, just at an individual level suited to him. As they explained the concept of their school, my sadness began to turn around once again. This school was close to home, he would have the service of a bus to take him there and home again, he would have a class with a minimal number of students, the teachers were specially trained to deal with learning disabilities, and there were a number of children from our neighborhood who also attended the school. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad afterall, I thought, as we met with the teacher that would be his. I looked at the classroom walls with children's pictures and posters hanging and watched as she ruffled my son's hair. He had a big smile on his face as she showed him where he could hang his coat, where he would sit next to his classmates. And thus began his life at yet another new school.
As I returned home and waited for his bus in the afternoon, I felt sadness again as I watched all the mama's picking their children up across the street from my house at the local school, all smiling and laughing, happily engaged in conversation. I wanted to be one of them. That feeling faded as I saw my son's bus arrive and he stepped off running to me with a smile plastered across his face. All thoughts of the "normal" moms left my mind as I headed to our home hearing my son talk about his new school and the kids he had played with during recess.
This happiness was also short-lived as week after week I received calls from the school to discuss Kaeden's behavior. It was always with dread that I answered my phone, waiting to hear what he'd done now to be put in detention. I was angered that this school that had given me promises of being equipped to deal with children like my son, seemed unable to do anything to help him. It was an emotional visit when I met with the director and was given the name of yet another school that might be more suitable for my son.
I put off contacting the school until I could no longer accept the position my son was in day after day at his current school. I finally made an appointment to meet with the school. As I walked through the doors of St. Elisabeth school, I looked around me and recognized this was not at all a typical school. For one thing, it was huge, the playground outside was filled with therapeutic types of equipment rather than the typical swings and slide, and there were many differnt children walking through the hallways. By this, I mean children in wheelchairs, children with down's syndrome, children with other noticeable handicaps. As I gave my name at the reception, she asked me if I needed someone from the school or from the boarding home. I searched through my purse for the name of the lady I was supposed to meet, praying it was someone from the school. It was. As she greeted me and we toured the school, I was totally overwhelmed. She showed me the swimming pool in the school, the trampoline room used for therapy, the different areas of the school all containing classrooms for specific handicaps. And then we reached the autism department. I entered with skepticism, feeling extremely uneasy. The classroom had 6 desks, each their own cubicle. There were very few pictures on the walls, to help the children concentrate she explained. There were special boards with each child's name and their own set of tasks for each 20 minute period of the day. It was a totally structured and strict environment. It didn't look like a fun place to be, rather a place to work. I was hardened by this point in my search for a perfect school, and made statements that told her I was not happy with all the problems we had encountered and wanted proof that he would be able to be successful here. What proof could she give me? She explained that some children need the extra structure of a day completely lined out for them, that they need separation from other children in order to stay on task. She told me that the classrooms had no more than six children to give them the individual attention they need, and that they still had recess and special classes. She offered the benefit of children being able to stay until they reach the age of 22, the advantage of the school also having a home, and a daycare. I wasn't convinced, my son was a happy, healthy little boy, he didn't look the part of the hadicapped kids I had seen in the hallway, how would he ever be normalized in society if he had to be in such an environment? I disn't want to face the truth of my son's handicap.
As we returned to her office where she gave me some brochures, she informed me that there was a waiting list for the autism classes, but that they were planning to create another classroom at the start of the next school year if I wanted to register Kaeden. I told her I would consider it, and made another appointment in which I could bring Kaeden with me. We went to the appointment and Kaeden was so thrilled with the trampolines and swimming pool in the school, he was convinced this was the place for him to be. As he walked down the halls, he wasn't aware or bothered by the faces he encounterd, a fact that didn't go unnoticed. As I signed my name next to the little X, I felt betrayed by God, the system, my son. I just wanted my pitiful self to be swallowed up, I didn't want to deal with all this any more. I was trying to do what was best for my child, but I just didn't know what that was anymore. I didn't know how to help him be successful.
After the summer vacation, another September was upon us. The air was fresh and crisp with the promise of another school year in the air. As I prepared Kaeden for his new school, he was happy and excited, couldn't wait to go in and meet his new friends. When we heard the bus pull up outside, I gave him a kiss and opened the door. As I looked into the windows of the school bus, lots of little faces were staring back at me. Children with handicaps, noticeable handicaps. One little boy had his face plastered against the window. I couldn't peel my eyes from his face, his face showing the physical signs of down's syndrome. He gave me a huge smile, and a little wave as the bus carried my son away from me once again. I closed the door and went into my home and cried. Cried tears for the child I could not have. Cried tears for the mother I could not be. Cried tears for the anger and sadness that filled my soul.
Each day as I put Kaeden on the bus, those faces stared down at me from the window. I came to recognize some of the faces, especially the little boy that waved to me each morning. I came to recognize them not as handicpped people, but for the smiles and rumpled hair, the people behind the faces. Finally one morning as I saw Kaeden take his seat, I realized that my heart was free. I didn't feel the pain that I did every other morning. I felt peaceful and secure. As I looked up at the windows filled with children headed to their special school, I waved back at the little boy staring down at me. With extra entusiasm, he waved at me and the biggest smile I've ever seen lighted up his entire face. And as I returned his smile, I sent God a thankful prayer for giving me the opportunity to accept these people, these disabled people, my son! My son had courage and I was finally accwepting him for who he is.
Each morning, I await the little faces staring at me from the windows of the bus. I can't wait to wave to my little friend and capture the feeling of sunshine he always brings me. And as the bus pulls away heading for St. Elisabeth school, I am happy that my son is sitting there next to all those people, people that know compassion and love, people that are accepting and non-judgemental. People that smile from the windows of a bus.
It was a September morning, the sun shining bright, the excitement of a new school year fueling our spirit. It was our first month living in Belgium, a new town, a new school, new friends and activities. I had breakfast on the table and clothes waiting on a chair for my 11 year old son, Kaeden. Of course, there were also all his picture cards lined up to help him organise his morning chores. As I climbed the stairs to wake him for this day, a slight panic started to form in the pit of my stomach. My son has autism, borderline asperger's/PDD-NOS, with a combination of ADHD. Today was his first day in this new school, where nobody knew about his diagnosis. Yet I was thrilled at the same time. This little boy was going to be placed in a special needs school had we continued living in Holland, but with our move to Belgium came the opportunity to once again make a go of it in the local, "normal" school.
You see, as his mother, the idea of him being handicapped and being unable to live a so-called normal life squeezed the breath from my lungs and caused a cloud of darkness to envelop my spirit in sadness. I had already been dealt the blow of his first diagnosis of ADHD a few years prior, but the newer autism diagnosis was one which just tore my heart to shreds. It wasn't that I didn't realize my son was a bit different than other children, a bit behind the mental age of his peers, a bit more unruly and wiggly, a bit more aggressive, a bit too friendly with strangers. Of course I knew all those things, but in my heart, I could not see him as being anything other than my child, the tiny baby that I carried in my womb and held close to me after giving birth, the child I nurtured with the milk from my own body, the child I watched grow and take form and become the Kaeden that he is today. Today, yes, a chance to once again hide his disability and hide my own inability to accept him for exactly who he is.
As my son woke and quickly jumped up with the excitemet of school on the horizon, I was filled with relief. Mornings for Kaeden are extremely difficult, and getting him ready on time is always a chore. Today he jumped right up, proving to me that this new start was a good choice for him, and in my mind I conjured up images of him bringing real friends home from shool to play, taking part in school activities, catching up in reading and writing and graduating at the top of his class. As we prepared for our first day of school, I was filled with peace.
The peace was short lived. After his first day in his new school, beaming with pride as I went to pick him up, a smile on my face ready to see him and hear all about his day, I was confronted by the director of the school. She informed me that Kaeden seemed ill-prepared for his age group and they had placed him in a class one level down. She also wanted him to be tested and see what options were available for Kaeden. My heart sunk, my breath became labored, tears started to form in my eyes. Was I the only one who could see this child's potential? Was I the only one who cared about giving him the very best? Why couldn't he make it through one day without giving me these new problems? I felt totally defeated.
As the testing was completed over the course of a couple weeks, my son continued to attend the local school. He seemed happy enough there, but was not making any real progress, hadn't formed any real clicks with any of the kids. With all the results compiled, we went to the dreaded appointment for the results. I heard them tell me all the scores, explain all the reasons he could not be successful in their school, and then heard a scream tear through my body as they told me they had made an appointment for me to visit the special needs school just a short bus ride from our home. I had failed. I had failed at hiding his disability and I was being punished by reality. My son was not equipped to deal with life at a normal school.
We headed to the special needs school and were greeted with kindness. Yes, they had the training to help children like Kaeden, yes, he could learn all the same material, just at an individual level suited to him. As they explained the concept of their school, my sadness began to turn around once again. This school was close to home, he would have the service of a bus to take him there and home again, he would have a class with a minimal number of students, the teachers were specially trained to deal with learning disabilities, and there were a number of children from our neighborhood who also attended the school. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad afterall, I thought, as we met with the teacher that would be his. I looked at the classroom walls with children's pictures and posters hanging and watched as she ruffled my son's hair. He had a big smile on his face as she showed him where he could hang his coat, where he would sit next to his classmates. And thus began his life at yet another new school.
As I returned home and waited for his bus in the afternoon, I felt sadness again as I watched all the mama's picking their children up across the street from my house at the local school, all smiling and laughing, happily engaged in conversation. I wanted to be one of them. That feeling faded as I saw my son's bus arrive and he stepped off running to me with a smile plastered across his face. All thoughts of the "normal" moms left my mind as I headed to our home hearing my son talk about his new school and the kids he had played with during recess.
This happiness was also short-lived as week after week I received calls from the school to discuss Kaeden's behavior. It was always with dread that I answered my phone, waiting to hear what he'd done now to be put in detention. I was angered that this school that had given me promises of being equipped to deal with children like my son, seemed unable to do anything to help him. It was an emotional visit when I met with the director and was given the name of yet another school that might be more suitable for my son.
I put off contacting the school until I could no longer accept the position my son was in day after day at his current school. I finally made an appointment to meet with the school. As I walked through the doors of St. Elisabeth school, I looked around me and recognized this was not at all a typical school. For one thing, it was huge, the playground outside was filled with therapeutic types of equipment rather than the typical swings and slide, and there were many differnt children walking through the hallways. By this, I mean children in wheelchairs, children with down's syndrome, children with other noticeable handicaps. As I gave my name at the reception, she asked me if I needed someone from the school or from the boarding home. I searched through my purse for the name of the lady I was supposed to meet, praying it was someone from the school. It was. As she greeted me and we toured the school, I was totally overwhelmed. She showed me the swimming pool in the school, the trampoline room used for therapy, the different areas of the school all containing classrooms for specific handicaps. And then we reached the autism department. I entered with skepticism, feeling extremely uneasy. The classroom had 6 desks, each their own cubicle. There were very few pictures on the walls, to help the children concentrate she explained. There were special boards with each child's name and their own set of tasks for each 20 minute period of the day. It was a totally structured and strict environment. It didn't look like a fun place to be, rather a place to work. I was hardened by this point in my search for a perfect school, and made statements that told her I was not happy with all the problems we had encountered and wanted proof that he would be able to be successful here. What proof could she give me? She explained that some children need the extra structure of a day completely lined out for them, that they need separation from other children in order to stay on task. She told me that the classrooms had no more than six children to give them the individual attention they need, and that they still had recess and special classes. She offered the benefit of children being able to stay until they reach the age of 22, the advantage of the school also having a home, and a daycare. I wasn't convinced, my son was a happy, healthy little boy, he didn't look the part of the hadicapped kids I had seen in the hallway, how would he ever be normalized in society if he had to be in such an environment? I disn't want to face the truth of my son's handicap.
As we returned to her office where she gave me some brochures, she informed me that there was a waiting list for the autism classes, but that they were planning to create another classroom at the start of the next school year if I wanted to register Kaeden. I told her I would consider it, and made another appointment in which I could bring Kaeden with me. We went to the appointment and Kaeden was so thrilled with the trampolines and swimming pool in the school, he was convinced this was the place for him to be. As he walked down the halls, he wasn't aware or bothered by the faces he encounterd, a fact that didn't go unnoticed. As I signed my name next to the little X, I felt betrayed by God, the system, my son. I just wanted my pitiful self to be swallowed up, I didn't want to deal with all this any more. I was trying to do what was best for my child, but I just didn't know what that was anymore. I didn't know how to help him be successful.
After the summer vacation, another September was upon us. The air was fresh and crisp with the promise of another school year in the air. As I prepared Kaeden for his new school, he was happy and excited, couldn't wait to go in and meet his new friends. When we heard the bus pull up outside, I gave him a kiss and opened the door. As I looked into the windows of the school bus, lots of little faces were staring back at me. Children with handicaps, noticeable handicaps. One little boy had his face plastered against the window. I couldn't peel my eyes from his face, his face showing the physical signs of down's syndrome. He gave me a huge smile, and a little wave as the bus carried my son away from me once again. I closed the door and went into my home and cried. Cried tears for the child I could not have. Cried tears for the mother I could not be. Cried tears for the anger and sadness that filled my soul.
Each day as I put Kaeden on the bus, those faces stared down at me from the window. I came to recognize some of the faces, especially the little boy that waved to me each morning. I came to recognize them not as handicpped people, but for the smiles and rumpled hair, the people behind the faces. Finally one morning as I saw Kaeden take his seat, I realized that my heart was free. I didn't feel the pain that I did every other morning. I felt peaceful and secure. As I looked up at the windows filled with children headed to their special school, I waved back at the little boy staring down at me. With extra entusiasm, he waved at me and the biggest smile I've ever seen lighted up his entire face. And as I returned his smile, I sent God a thankful prayer for giving me the opportunity to accept these people, these disabled people, my son! My son had courage and I was finally accwepting him for who he is.
Each morning, I await the little faces staring at me from the windows of the bus. I can't wait to wave to my little friend and capture the feeling of sunshine he always brings me. And as the bus pulls away heading for St. Elisabeth school, I am happy that my son is sitting there next to all those people, people that know compassion and love, people that are accepting and non-judgemental. People that smile from the windows of a bus.
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