YIPPPEEEE!

I Just bought the plane tickets for my parents to come and visit at Christmas! I feel so completely charged right now! I am so happy! Actually, I didn't buy the tickets, they did, but I completed the transaction. The prices were high, but I am afraid if they wait longer, they'll just keep going up. Who knows...but it doesn't matter now, cuz the tickets are purchased! And, they'll be flying Northwest which isn't my choice of airlines (it's actually down there on the list, but it has been awhile since I've flown with them), but the times are really good, so that's a big plus. Mom and Dad will be with us from Dec 23-Jan 1! I can finally tell my boys exactly when gramma and grampa will be here...and make plans for what we'll do during their visit. It's the little things, ya know???! :-)

9-11

Yesterday, I received 3 emails from the embassy in Brussels...beware of demonstrations resulting from the anniversary of Sept. 11, 2001. An anniversary is a day of remembrance...yet 9-11 is something I would rather forget. But, it's not something we can forget, for we're still living it day to day, and our lives have been forever changed in varying degrees. For the people whose lives were lost and left behind family struggling with their losses, this is a day that still burns in pain. They don't want to remember this injustice, yet the memory of their loved one is etched upon this date forever, and they are forced to remember...not just today, but every day. I remember sitting in front of the tv watching the "events" unfold, nursing my nearly two-week-old son and wondering what kind of world I had brought him into. As I tried to call my family, all the lines shut down, and never since my arrival in Europe have I felt so far away from home. I was an American living overseas and I wasn't able to support my family, my country, my people. And yet, I felt safe being away from it all. I emailed family and friends to make sure they were all okay, and was relieved as email after email came in assuring me that they were, indeed, alive and safe, but not okay...how could they be okay when their country had been terrorized? The trip my parents had planned to come visit their new grandson was put on hold, and thoughts about when I'd be able to see my family again worried me constantly. When would I be able to enter American soil? Would I be safe flying? Would America ever again be the same home I left?

No, it won't. America is a changed land since the disturbance of 9-11. It is a country that is still fighting the injustices of what ahappened, and being further split by political debates stemming from this disaster. It showed it's pride by bringing people together during and after the terror, and many continue to fly their American flag to show their support of soldiers and their pride in our land. But what exactly does all of this mean?

Today, I woke my son with tickles and realized that we have survived this injustice, we have been able to find the goodness in living in a world fraught with war, enemies, and disaster. In the six years since Sept 11, 2001, my son has seen far more good than bad...but he doesn't yet watch the news, or read messages from the embassy, or see YouTube movies of dying soldiers...I try to keep his world happy and safe, giving him a reason to smile. Yet, I know, one day he too will be affected by the date, in ways much deeper and stronger than he is now in his sheltered world of mama, papa, big brother, toy cars and soccer practice. He, too, is an American. He, too, will have to remember. September 11th...a day to remember...

Ramblings

What a busy and really good weekend we had. But boy, where did it go? Time sure flies when you're having fun.

1. What would you do??? Saturday morning we headed to the zoo...but before we could go, I had to go to the bank for money. As I headed to the bank machine, I heard it beeping. As I looked down thinking it was out of order, a pile a bills caught my eye. 400 euro I pulled from the machine, left by the previous user. I looked around and then pulled the money out. Thoughts of what I could do with 400 euro passed through my mind as I headed to the car where Erwin was waiting. I handed him the pile of money as those same thoughts ran through his head...1/2 a plane ticket home, 3 months electric paid, 1/2 the repair costs of our car, a new oven, 2 months gas...and then I told him to wait while I went into the bank to return it. But, we were already running late for our trip to the zoo and the line was long (I mean, really long) with only one window open. I waited by the bank machine a few minutes hoping the owner of the money would come back, but they didn't. So, I went back to the car and decided to call the police upon our return home.

2. We went to the zoo nearby Brussels. Planckendael is a nice park with tons of stuff for the kids to play on. The weather was perfect and we saw lots of beautiful animals. My favorite was the snow tiger...his eyes were so piercing blue they bored right into me. The kids had a really good day, enjoying every moment of our outing. It's the first time I have erally seen Jari get excited about a zoo, and it was fun to see him exclaiming over every animal. His favorite was the turtle...he couldn't believe there was no water in their pen for them to swim. And he giggled and giggled as one ran from place to place, retelling the story of the Tortoise and the Hare. Kaeden enjoyed throwing acorns to the baby swines and laughing as they fought over them...right along with his papa, who couldn't get enough of the boss pig claiming his territory.

3. Jari (and his team) had a really off soccer day...lost their game 12-4. Jari played goalie 1/2 the game and I don't enjoy that at all (I always get nervous when he's in the goal...he's a much better runner than keeper). He was also wearing a pair of shorts from something out of the 1940's...he looked so old-timer and it was kinda funny. After their match they led the first team out onto the field for their opening season game.

4. We went into Bree where the fire station had their open day. They had so many fun activities for the kids, and my boys would have stayed there all day. They loved climbing in the fire engines. Kaeden took a ride in a rolling car, and the fire demonstrations were enlightening. We didn't stay for the burning down of the house which would have been thrilling because



5. We had a BBQ. Yum! Just the four of us enjoying an end of sumemr BBQ where we clinked glasses in a cheer. Kaeden had baked brownies earlier in the day and we had those for desert, and I made fresh lemonade which was a treat as I don't do it often. Erwin enjoyed a beer we brought back from Tsjechie, and it was relaxing and nice. After, the boys played soccer while we cleaned up, then we got them to bed, happy and zero problems...what a great way to end the weekend!

6. I tried calling the cops about the money, but can you believe there is no access to the police on a weekend unless it's an emergency? I couldn't believe it. I tried calling different chiefs, the head offices, etc and only got a message to call back during office hours. That blew me away....so, I still have the 400 euro sitting here waiting to go home to it's rightful owner...and still, thoughts of what I could do with that money are runnign through my head. It's like a tug-of-war raging through my mind what's right and good on one team and free money on the other team. I'm going to do the right thing and contact the bank this morning, but it feels a bit like a loss...

7. I have been wearing Kaeden's new Crocs since he returned back to Belgium. They are too big for him, but fit my feet to perfection...I have always stood by my Birkenstocks, but boy, do they have competition. They look a bit weird, but I think they go perfect with anything :-)

8. I did my nails while watching tv with my husband last night...maybe to you that's nothing special, but to me...I quit biting them!!! I've done this before and have relapsed, but hey, it's been a year since I have had pretty nails and finally I can paint them again and not be embarrassed and have to cover up my hands all the time! Yippeee!

9. Jari was talking about praying at school. He wanted papa to sing him Jesus songs before bed. As he started talking about prayers he did the sign of the cross..In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen. But, he said it in a manner that made Erwin and I almost pee our pants... In de naam van de Vader, de Zoon, en de Geilige Geest, Am. (In English, this says In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Horny Spirit, Ahm...hahaha)

Update: I called the bank...as of yet, nobody has turned in a report for missing money. I left my phone number so that they could contact me if they were asked. I feel relieved knowing I did the right thing. If it was me that had lost the money...well, you heard all the reasons it'd be useful...

Sweet Moments

Last night as I headed up to tuck Jari in, I noticed the framed picture of my mom and dad was on Jari's desk. It normally has it's place on a nook in our staircase. I nonchalantly asked, "How'd that picture of gramma and grampa get in here?" Jari went over and lovingly fingered the picture. "I brought it in here," he said. "Cuz I miss my gramma and grampa so much and now I can see them every day." It brought tears to my eyes and opened up into a beautiful conversation about all the reasons he loves his grandparents. He is counting down the days til he sees them at Christmas. He discussed how he saw gramma in England this summer and loved playing with her, but that it's been a million trillion threehundred thousand years since he's seen his grampa (well, a year anyway, my sweet boy). So, as grandparents day comes around this Sunday, we'll be thinking of you both and loving you from afar...and waiting til we can "jump up in your arms and give you a big, tight squeeze when Santa comes!" Happy (nearly) Grandparents Day!!!

Managing Life

I have got to get myself organized. Now that my knee is improving and I can actually walk again, I need to get my home cleaned up and get some kind of pattern settled. Since everyone is gone all day, I can feel myself sliding again. At the end of each day, I wonder just what it was that I accomplished and where all the hours have gone. It's not that I do nothing all day, but it seems like nothing really gets accomlpished. My house is just sitting patiently waiting for me to get busy, and I just don't know where to begin. I need to make a schedule and cross things off the list to assure it's getting done. I hate that I can't seem to focus on one thing and get that one thing finished. My mind is always full of way too much, which backs me into a wall. Last night, I dropped Jari off at soccer and came home and played basketball with Kaeden for an hour. At first I kept thinking about all I should be doing, but as I started enjoying myself and my son, I realized I was doing exactly the most important thing. Yet, I have all this time during the day when the kids are not home to get my chores done, and I need to start, so that when they are home, I can enjoy them instead of having to "get everything done before papa gets home". So, I have decided to start making a daily list. It seems stupid that I can't do it without, but I can't. I hope it will help me get into a pattern and schedule and get our life cleaned up. We'll all benefit if I can keep this sinking depression at bay. I don't know why, but it seems I easily fall into depression...and in order to prevent it, I have to stay busy, be active, and keep myself from being a hibernating bear in his den. So, I know what I gotta do...now, if I can just manage it!!!

Men!

How would you like to start your morning with climbing out of bed, trying to wake your son to groans and grumbles, then heading to your room where the alarm has been snoozed to have your husband start your day with "Turn off the F***** light NOW!" as you search for your son's swimming trunks for his school swim today? And not just once, but 3 times I had to listen as blood boiled through my body. I didn't care if the light was on...it was time to get up and get ready for the day. And it wasn't early, as I said, we'd already snoozed numerous times. Now that's a way to make the day begin just joyously. When my husband came downstairs, I wasn't kind and sweet...I was plain ole mad. I definitely didn't deserve to be treated that way. And yet, even after telling him how rude I thought he was, still no apology. 4 hours later, and I'm still waiting....for the apology and for my boiling blood to simmer down.

School Begins!

Today marks the start of another school year. And an important one as it's Jari's first day heading off to elementary, where he'll really and truly be learning to read, write, and do arithmetic. Kaeden starts in a new class with new teachers and is excited to be heading back to his friends. Me, I'm feeling kinda lonely...everyone is off doing their thing and mama is stuck at home where I hurt my knee and can barely walk. Erwin headed back to work after vacation this morning and our house just feels too quiet and empty...yep, it's that time of year...schedules rearranged and homework and lunches and backpacks and bells...the start of another schoolyear!

6 Years Old

Today marks the day that I now have a six-year-old running rampant on the streets. Yesterday was his birthday, and today he woke telling me "I'm six now, huh mom? Now I'm a big boy!" Yesterday, remembering back to the day of his birth, and even before to the moment I discovered I was pregnant with my little gift from God.... I told my husband I thought I may be pregnant and his stunned reply was "Jesus Christ, what'd ya say that for?" with the look of shocked horror penetrating his face. We hadn't been trying to get pregnant, and in fact weren't really ready to extend our family as we'd just become a family a few months prior and were getting used to being a couple with a five-year-old son in a foreign land, with a new house and Dutch language lessons on the horizon. Yet, I was so happy. I couldn't wait to share my home and life with another little treasure. And it didn't take long before my husband was also happy with the idea. When he took me to my first appointment at the doctor and they confirmed I was pregnant, he dropped me off at school, took my bike out of the back of the van we borrowed from his parents and as he kissed me goodbye, he said "I love you...both of you" as he patted my tummy full of life and love and our new little family member. That moment brought tears to my eyes, and still does as I think about the life we have created. As the pregnancy wore on, going through extreme morning (all day) sickness and a strong aversion to meat, the time finally arrived for us to bring our son home. I was admitted to the hospital with expectations of pictocin drips and getting labor started due to the fact that my water had already broken 2 days earlier, but labor wasn't starting on it's own...but the fact was, I was in active labor upon arrival at the hospital and nothing needed to be done but let nature take it's course. It was a hard delivery, but went fast and at 3:24 in the afternoon we were holding our healthy 8 pound baby boy. His big brother came immediately after his birth and the picture I have in my mind of the first time he held his little baby brother is as vivid today as the moment it happened. It was complete...as was our family.

Today, my son is a little sports fanatic. He gets more wild the more tired he gets, and his talking never stops...by the end of the day you can barely stand to hear another word. He questions everything and as adventurous as he is, has some fears about little things you'd never imagine. We keep a bag in the car for his bouts of travel sickness, and he has a major shoe fetish. He thinks he is the best and strongest at everything, and how dare you even hint otherwise. He could care less about babies, but loves sharing playtime with friends. He's a bit bossy, and loves cookies more than any other food choice. He amazes me. He is the person in this world that makes me laugh the most, with his silly comments and funny things he does. He is extremely shy around people he doesn't know, including other kids, to the point I sometimes worry about him. His favorite game to play with mama is for me to push him forcefully along as we walk, and this makes him giggle to pieces, which I love to hear (thus, the game goes on and on and on). At night, I tuck him in with a story and as I sing his favorite song (two dinosaurs and slaap jarietje slaap,I tickle his face and feet, and pat his little butt. ornings, I awaken to his breath on my face as he shares my pillow lying sideways in my bed. When I tell him it'sa time to brush his teeth, he throws himself on the floor as if he is dying in a fit of fake tears. He makes me pictures that amaze me, and when I ask him to spell words or add numbers, he does so with little trouble. He's my baby boy, my little bug, and I couldn't live without him.

Happy Birthday and Happy Lifetime to my little bug. I hope SIX is as amazing as you are imaginig it to be. I hope it will open up your world to even more possibilities and more happiness. I hope you are happy, as you make me, your mama. I love you!

Home

Our family is now back intact. All of us are home after our vacations. We picked Kaeden up from the airport this morning and I was a nervous wreck waiting for him to come out the custom gates. I couldn't wait to see him, smell him, feel him. These past 6 weeks have felt like an eternity in this mother's life. But upon seeing his face, hearing him talk to me, watching his eyes light up and his smile explode on his face as he talked of his trip, it's as if he was never gone. And yet, he's been sleeping since half-way through our trip home. I managed to pry him out of the car and he collapsed into bed. He's cranky and sad and jet-lagged and tears tug from behind my eyelids as he cries for his gramma and grampa. I just wish there were a way....a way for us all to be together on this far-too-big planet. As much as I am happy to have my son home, another part of me longs for him to be in the comfort of his first home, back with gramma and grampa who love him as deeply as we here do, and it tears at my heart in some unexplainable way. My happy-family dreams have temporarily been shattered by the suffering of yet another good-bye. Will it ever get easier? Will I ever again feel completely whole? I hope that in the light of the dawn of a new morning, after we've all slept deeply and soundly, our family can once again rejoice in being together. My baby will turn six tomorrow. He deserves the sense of wholeness and the comfort of family on such a special day as his birthday. Tomorrow...tomorrow I will again dream of us being together as a family, the way we are meant to be, and make sure that that dream becomes a reality.

Good Bye

I just got off the phone with Kaeden. He called to tell us good-bye. Good bye, it seems the wrong words for my son to tell me as I head off on our family vacation. I feeel a bit heart broken. I'm starting to miss my son more than words can say. And, as I take this adventure with my husband and my little bug, part of me is being left behind. It just doesn't feel quite okay. Even as I know that he is having a wonderful time in Wyoming, I feel a bit cheated. I'm missing out on all his adventures, and he on all of mine. I don't want to have to look at pictures 10 years down the road and remember the heart break I was feeling today. "Remember the summer you spent with gramma and grampa in Wyoming riding horses and swimming and riding four wheelers??" Yes, he'll say with a smile in his heart...and I'll scream back "WELL DANG IT ALL< I DON'T REMEMBER BECAUSE I WASN'T THERE TO SHARE IT WITH YOU!!!" I'm happy that Kaeden is renewing the bond with his grandparents that he's always had, and thrilled that my parents are getting a chance to be involved in his life and come to know him again. But the simple truth is that I miss my son. I miss waking to his kisses in the morning and tucking him in with songs at night...and I'm sad he won't be sharing our explorations to eastern europe. So, my Riley Boy, I won't say Good-Bye, rather Tot Ziens, when you are back in teh throes of your mama's arms where you belong...because even though your body is thousands of miles away, your heart is here at home, home, where the heart is...your mama's heart. I love you Kaedi Riley, more than all the stars in the sky...

My Son-shine

I just got off the phone with my Kaeden! How I miss him. He sounds really great and is having lots of fun with gramma and grampa. They just returned from a trip to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and newly turned one nephew where they went out in a boat innertubing and playing in the lake. Kaeden told me animatedly about all his adventures and I could tell he thoroughly enjoyed himself!!! Hearing his happy voice made me feel so much better, and hearing Jari talk to him on the phone made me realize what a close bond my boys have. Jari told Kaeden that as soon as he hears him at the door he is going to open it fast and give him a huge, tight hug. And mom told me Kaeden speaks often of his little brother as well. I hope that bond between them lasts forever. Kaeden also told me they bought a new car and he got to pick it out. He seemed quite pleased with himself...just as I'm pleased with him for being such a good kid and giving gramma and grampa only smiles and no grief. I'm just completely pleased the vacation is going so well...for everyone. I can't believe how peaceful our home is...no fighting and bickering and screaming...but the quiet reminds me too often of my little boy too far away in America. I miss the sound of his voice, his tight squeezes, his robust smile, the sound of him ceating another "treat" for mama in the kitchen. I hope when he returns home I can recreate some of the peace we are now having and bring it to our family after recharging from being a stressed out mom. We all deserve this break. But we all deserve happiness together as well, and I hope beyond hope that our love and commitment to each other keeps us strong...this time apart is definitely making me realize just how important my family is to me, and how important it is that I be a strong and patient mother to my beautiful little boys. Have a great time on your vacation Kaeden! We all miss you!!! XOXO

Sauerland

"I don't think it's funny. It's not something to laugh about," he stated factly to me as tears fell down my face and hysterical laughter clogged my throat, the smell of burned rubber filling my nose as the car tires spun yet again on the steep, grassy incline. We were in a slippery situation. The hill we tried to turn on was steeper than it looked at first glance, and as Erwin again pulled the handbrake into action, we both knew that searching for the Ginsburg castle ruins was definitely not worth it. "You're going to have to push," he said again as I unbuckled my seatbelt and told him to try riding the hill horizontally as I stepped out of the danger of our car. The first try was unsuccessful as the car slid on the freshly-mowed, wet grass and I was thinking of walking to the farmer I saw mowing another hill to ask for him to pull us out when Erwin gunned the engine yet again and as the tires slipped, they finally found solid ground and he veered back onto the narrow roadway. I got into the car, tears streaming down my face. It was relief mixed with shock, and it was quite funny once I knew we were safe. Yes, that was the high point of our trip to Sauerland, Germany. One of those moments when we could ahve been left hanging, but managed to come through stronger than before. We headed for the main road and cussed the brown sign telling us we'd find the gem 700 meters further. Signs are not something Germans do well. We happened upon this experiece time and again looking for castles.

So, we managed to have a great trip. Except for the middle of our last day when I decided to be stubborn and didn't tell my husband where to turn off the highway and we had to backtrack to end our day and trip on a happy note after driving an extra 50km. But okay, for the rest, it was terrific. We visited castles, toured the Warsteiner beer brewery (and drank a few steins full), took a ride on the bobsled, walked through walking paths with waterfalls and canyons, saw so many beautiful mountains my head was cleared with fresh air, visited the Hennessee and Biggessee, walked on a high in the trees hang bridge, and learned that our Tom-Tom cannot be counted upon in little German mountain villages! Oh, and we got lost in a mine. Another incident that the laughter came heartily from within.

We visited an old mine and took a tour where we went in a train deep into the mine. We were in a carriage with 6 other people and suddenly we were no longer moving, it was dark and quiet, and we kept looking out the locked train doors wondering what was happening when the tour guide was heard chanting from somewhere in the mine "Hello??? Are you lost???" as the beam of his flashlight lightened the dark,wet walls of the minign caves. It was the most fun I had on the trip. It was a bit scary, a bit uncertain, but quite the thrill to be "lost" in a tunnel with no light and locked in a little cage. As the tour guide started up the engines and drove our carriage to the remainder of the group, we heard them discussing whether they had a rope to reconnect the carriage to the rest of the train. Erwin refused to get in the last car when it was time to end the tour and return to the museum.

We also saw the Willingen ski jump which was a great thrill for me. After climbing to the top, 500+ steps up the mountainside, I felt very accomplished. After declaring that there was no way I was gonna make that climb, it turned out to be one of the msot memorable experiences of teh trip. We were able to stand on the jump itself and look down the mountain and feel the adrenaline rush that teh skiiers themselves feel as they jump from off the jump into the air and not be able to see the landing as it curves down at a scary angle. The breathless feeling overcame me as i climbed those steps, but once I made it to the top, I knew it was worth it...seeing mountains upon mountains before me and I knew I had no regrets.


We ate out at a panorama mountain just as the sun was setting...it was breathtaking. And I had a noodle pancake with ham that, though I had no idea what to expect, was mouthwatering! Our little pension in Nordenau was quaint and quiet and we awakened each mornign to the sun rising over the mountain right outside our window. We visited Altena castle which was brilliant and grand, and then headed to the marketplace where bombs started erupting around us..."The Germans sure know how to bomb," my husband matter-of-factly said with a twinkle in his eye. They were doing some kind of re-opening of a bridge and that was their "fireworks". And tehn we headed into the sunset again to home, where we had one last night before the grand finale of my son's arms around my neck in a tight squeeze! Back to heaven after a heavenly adventrue with my husband.

Sauerland, land of 1000 mountains. It is beautiful, quiet, restful, and lush. And so were the days away alone with my husband.

Sitting Here

Thinking...how has my life come to this? I just sent Erwin and Jari to the city to take care of some last minute city hall business that can't wait til we return next week...yeah, I lost a couple bills that HAVE to be paid by July 31. Where oh where did they go? I had them in my purse before I left for England, but what the heck did I do with them when I repacked my purse fior our trip??? I have no idea...have searched the house 3 times over but they have not resurfaced. I'll feel more settled leaving when those bills are paid. BUT, Erwin didn't leave until 11:50...it's closed at 12...yep, if he gets that accomplished I'll be amazed.

So, where are we going? Yes, we're off on another vacation. WHAT? ANOTHER??? Yes, we are vacation fanatics and staying home when we could be out exploring just isn't in our vocabulary. So, Jari will be enjoying 3 nights with oma and opa while Erwin adn I head to Sauerland in Germany. We're staying at a quaint little B&B which is something we've never done before...we like our privacy. But, those B&B's are so reasonable and provide a good start to the day in the form of breakfast...before we take off hiking in the tree covered forests and mountains I can't wait to smell. I love the smell of uninhabited woods. I love the sight of mountains looming above me and valleys that I can peer into filled with lush green trees. I love the clean air and the fresh coolness of the mountain regions. It reminds me of home. And so, when given the choice to go anywhere I wanted with my husband for our little break away, I chose the mountains...not Paris, not Rome, not Vienna...just the mountains...peaceful, fresh, and beautiful. I think we're going to have a nice few days away. I'm looking forward to the time to rebond with my husband, discover secrets that I never knew, hear his laughter, ad take time to listen to him speak...and to look at him over the breakfast table, leisurely drinking a second cup of coffee, deep in his green eyes as the love I feel for him stirs something inside me...the reminded of why I fell in love with him in teh first place and the knowledge of why I am blessed to have him by my side now, through the ups and downs of marriage and family and autism and parenting and bills and a home...yes, the reality of life. My husband is someone I treasure. I hope to really store our reality and live for each moment with him by my side in the coming few days. It's amazing what a few days away can do to regenerate that playful butterfly feeling of those days when we first met...

But, I have laundry to wash, suitcases to pack, and dishes to do. And then we'll be off, leaving our fish to enjoy their twice daily feeding from the mechanical feeder I purcahsed before our last vacation. While we, my husband and I, eat out at a simple little cafe with good down-home fixen's like only the Germans can do...yum!

Anger Feels

Where does this anger come from
As it festers inside me, growing
Bigger and bigger like a rock
Water crashing against it's sides
Breathing no longer shallow
As I struggle to gain control
And release this rage inside of me
The weight no longer pressing me
deeper into the ground
I can't speak for my voice
has become bitter and hard
And I don't want to hear
How shallow and moody
And unjust some people will
say that I am as I try
to find the calm that gave
me smiles before this storm
that rages inside my body
my heart and soul as it
takes me on this journey
I never wanted to explore
Peace replaced by lightning
Shooting from my eyes and the
throb of heat pounding through
my aching head my toes
curled in a tight and tense
little ball of fury as I fight this
demon called anger swelling
in my body my heart and my soul.

The Sea

We hit a traffic jam

Cars moving along at 10

Frustration showing on our faces

Take the next exit to home.

But then the road cleared

And 120 was the norm

We're heading for the sea today

A walk along the sandy shore.

Digging in the sand

And running through the waves

Watching little boy smiles

Enjoying the sunshiney day

As we went to take the exit

The traffic once again stood still

No way we're going there

Black Friday, splendid idea

Jari in the backseat

Look mama, what I've done

I turn around to face a surprise

Shoes tied, proud of his first time

With a thumbs up to my son

Pride floods through my veins

A family day out a complete success

In that one small moment

Nothing else more matters now.

We did finally arrive at the beach and then headed to Madurodam...and know what? It was a magnificent day. Thank you dear husband for going against your will to make it a day to remember...in more ways than one!

aND FOR A FUNNY BIT: As we were sitting in traffic arguing, Jari says to us "I think you guys better go to bed when we get home." "Why?" "Cuz you sure a yelling and being mean to each other, so you must be really tired!!!" Kids speak volumes....

Too Much To Talk About

I've had so much going on as of late, that I don't know where to begin. The trip to England (WONDERFUL!!!), letting my baby go, my birthday celebration, our summer plans...so much happening in my life at the moment. So, I'm just going to add a couple pics and say that life is good. I feel completely blessed.

Ready To GO

The bags are packed, the ticket confirmations printed, and the boys can't wait to get to England. Yep, the time has come for us to take our first Ryan Air flight across teh north sea where family will greet us with their English accents and the boys will again be driven to use their english language skills. I'm looking forward to the trip...I love seeing new things and experiencing new adventures, and this is bound to be yet another. And, as an added bonus, I get a real live hug from my mommy...and what could be a sweeter birthday treat than that (well, besides maybe seeing her give one to my boys who miss their gramma). Tonight as I tucked Jari in, he asked me a million times how many days til he gets to see gramma? And his eyes light up when I tell him it's just 4 more sleeps. Maybe that's why it took him 2 hours, 1000 pats on his butt, and 400 songs before his eyes finally drifted off to dreamland. Kaeden wanted me to sleep with him on his last night in his own bed, but after a long story, numerous songs, and a million things I needed to do running thru my head, I finally kissed him goodnight...I'm going to miss that little boy. And little he is, even though he's 12...I can still remember the surprise of my life finding out I was pregnant, holding MY son in my arms on the day of his birth, and seeing him through the ups and downs of our life together. He is and always will be my baby.

So, I better hit the sack as the time will be upon us in a short 5 hours. As we'll be busy exploring England we'll chat again sometime next week. Have a great week!!!

Almost England

Just three days to go. And I haven't really even begun to consider what that means as far as being ready with suitcases packed and tickets in hand. Heck, I'm in a state of denial. I think the problem with this trip is that I am packing for one week for Jari and I without the option of traveling with a suitcase...we can only take carry-ons and that seems quite a chore....and as for Kaeden, well, I've got 6 weeks of packing for him to do. How to manage? How to manage?

I have no idea what we're going to do while in England. I worry a bit about the prospect of two busy boys cooped up in a tiny house with an 88 year old woman for a week. Are there playgrounds in the neighborhood? Can we find a swimming pool nearby? Will anybody be available to help us figure out public transport if things get too hot and bothered staying with my aunt? I mean, really, I don't epect any problems or I'd never planned to go, but still, a week is a long time without computer games to keep them busy, their dvd's to watch, or games and toys to gather in every hook of the house. My aunt hasn't had children in her house in 40 years...will my kids be able to survive in a postage-stamp yard for a week?

I'm excited about seeing my mom. She's coming half-way through our trip to be there to celebrate my birthday with me. What kind of birthday will I have this year? I have no clue how English birthdays are celebrated, so that'll be a cultural surprise I'm really looking forward to. And being with extended family on the day will be nice, but my husband won't be there...will he miss me? We'll celebrate upon my return home, but my baby won't be with me...it's going to be so hard. Saying goodbye to this little being I have had with me by my side nearly daily since his birth is not going to be easy. Five weeks without my Riley boy...I can't imagine what that is going to be like...a bit more peaceful, a bit less rowdy, but just not the same. Though his antics sometimes drive me up the wall, he certainly brings a sense of energy and excitement to our home. I'm going to msis him to pieces...seriously.

Anyway, I have 3 days before our flight leaves Holland to cover the distance across the north sea. Three short days to figure out how to pack and prepare myself mentally for all this trip will bring. It's going to be an emotional roller coaster...hello mama, goodbye little boy, happy birthday to me, i miss you honey, let's play ANOTHEr game of stop and go...

Bath Toys

This afternoon I took a bath with Jari. He loves to play with plastic animals, and today was no exception. As his animals came to chase me and bite me, my dinosaur picked up the penguin and we booked it on outta there. Completely innocent game and he laughed and laughed. And when I looked down, I couldn't help but laugh either...but what I saw wasn't quite as innocent....see what I mean?! :-) hahaha The joys of toys....

And then, to top off my fit of laughter, I glanced at my son who looked just like Alfalfa...see any comparison?!

Thank You Erwin

This is going out to my husband. Why? Well, he's basically a good guy that gives lots and cares deeply...and he helps me succeed in raising our kids to be world citizens living in one culture while encompassing the cultures and traditions of two other cultures that are important in our children's lives. Last week I sent Erwin an invitation to our 4th of July party. This was after he reminded me that there wasn't much time left to send out invites and get everything prepared. And then later in the week I sent him a grocery list for the must-haves for our BBQ, which he purchased after work one day. And then all through the week he came home to paint and pictures and decorations littering every surface of our home as the boys and I made American flag creations in red, white, and blue. And then Saturday, when we had so much to do, our hot water heater gave out and he organized the purchase and installation of a new one (even tho opa did all the actual work...thanks SO much, opap!!!) while I ran around picking up the last minute stuff for our party...and spending even more money. And Sunday, while I was busy preparing food and organizing our BBQ, my husband spent all day cleaning outside,and decorating with American flags galore to create a 4th of July atmosphere unknown to this area of the world. He carried loads of chairs and tables down from the attic, washed them all, put away the mess of a winter's accumulation of crap int he serre, and then created little America in our garden. And he did it all without complaining. In fact, he was even smiling most of the day and at the end of the night when everyone had left our home filled with good food and the spirit of America pulsing through their veins after lighting the torch on the statue of liberty, he told me that our party was a success. Yes, my dear, it was a success...and that was because of all the work you did to help make it so. For accepting my American culture as your own, for wearing a USA t-shirt with pride, for teaching our children special dates in America's history, for buying hamburger buns which weren't on the list just because you know Americans like hamburgers ona bun, and for buying corn on the cob even though you think it's meant for pigs. Each year as we bring doen the bin filled with American decorations, your world opens a bit bigger, and you look forward to the party we share with our family and friends from all walks of life. You understand the importance of honoring a country which meant nothing more than an intereting place to visit less than 10 years ago. Today you envelop America with teh same enthusiasm as I. You look forward to vacations "home", you keep up with the sports and news from the other side of the atlantic, and you bring it all home, here in Belgium, when you place the American flag proudly at the head of our dinner table.



There is noone but me that understands the impact of your thoughtfulness. Nobody can feel the spirit of America and your acceptance of it but me. Nobody knows what being a tri-cultural family is like but those in the situation...us. Nobody knows the importance and desire to instill pride and love ,n acceptance and envelopment of two nations, in our children, but those that strive to do so...us. And Er, we're doing it well. We're making it work, because you are open to accepting me by accepting my traditions and my roots. I moved here to be with you. I uprooted my life to call this my home. But for you, staying here was just as difficult with all the changes that came into your life, and from the first moment my gratitude to you for all you do has never wavered...thank you for being my husband, my love, and my support. Thank you for knowing my needs and putting up with my failures. Thak you for hanging the American flag, and doing so with the knowledge that this is something that is natural and ordinary and necessary in our lives. It's not just about a 4th of July party...it's about accepting me, where I am from, the values and norms I have within, and making it all just another day in our life. I love you.