Baptism

It was a quiet ceremony on a hot day in Helmond. It couldn't have been more perfect, everything I was praying it would be to welcome my children into the world of the Lord. My little boys all dressed up in their "handsome" clothes and looking pretty spiffy to stand before the church and God, both answering "Ja, ik wil (yes, I will)" when the pastor asked if they chose to be baptised. The candles were lit in the tiny reed-covered chapel, and the statue of the virgin Mary stood above their heads. It was a private celebration with just our family, Erwin's godparents, and most importantly, the kids godparents. The only ones missing from the equation were my family, but that was to be expected under the circumstances. I wish they could have shared in the celebration. But, I am so happy to have my children baptised. I feel a relief I couldn't have dreamed possible, and the beautiful service that was given in honor of my children was mesmerizing. I couldn't help but shed a few tears as my children were blessed with the holy water and received a cross of oil upon their foreheads. The prayers were very relative to all that I had asked of the pastor. It wasn't an overly religious event, but more a celebration of my children as children of the Lord. I couldn't have asked for anything even slightly better.

As my boys held their baptism candles I watched in awe. I looked at their godparents sitting on the pews and thanked God yet again for giving my children such special people in their lives. People that I know care about my boys, love them in the manner that God wants them to be loved, and can give them that extra attention that they deserve. My brother Trevor, Jari's godfather, was not there to celebrate the occasion, and for that I was sorry. But Ilse, Lisa, and Erik were there, standing next to my children, these people we hand-picked to share in the lives of our children, people we trust and respect, and will have great meaning in the years to come for our sons.

Oma and Opa, I thank you yet again for helping to create this beautiful celebration. I couldn't do it without your help, as you already know. And as God blesses my children and all those close to them, may He also bless you for being so very important in my life.

Happy Feet

Today I was awakened by my little one telling me he had to use the bathroom...but it wasn't just that he needed to go, but that he had wet the bed. Oops! Not something that happens often with Jari, and he was definitely a bit embarrassed by his accident. He had a dire need to get in the bath and clean up his stinky little self. So, we trudged downstairs and turned on that glistening warm water and in he stepped. After my five minute early awakening, I was feeling okay again after my initial growls at being woken too soon. I started my morning ritual getting Erwin's food ready to take to work...and then I noticed the difference in our home, seconds after my husband came downstairs.

His feet were dancing. He had a smile plastered from one side to the other on his face. His eyes were shining. His voice was happily animated. And his happiness was definitely catching. I immediately cleared my mind of all the worries and chores I have to undertake today and started to sing in the kitchen. Erwin started making Kaeden's morning noises to "get me ready for his return", and I didn't even get annoyed, but laughed, happy that he was thinking about the safe return of our son this evening with stories to tell of his days at camp. It was really nice to see my husband so happy about today.

Why was he a bit of a "Happy Feet" this morning? Well, after weeks of 12 hour days at work, today is his last day before we....GO ON VACATION!!! Yep, tonight we're heading out to spend our traditional week away at Easter time. My husband loves vacation...well, who doesn't, but he really, really loves it! I enjoy seeing him during vacation as he relaxes from the stresses of everyday life and plays with the kids, eases into our day with late showers and breakfasts sitting around the table with an extra cup of coffee, making plans for our adventures of the day. And then as we drive off into adventure-land, we have a plan but no real worries...we take side roads to see where they will lead, we stop off at the woods to play with some sticks, we stop at a bridge to play Pooh sticks, we look for little brown signs that may lead to something interesting not listed on a tourist site, we have the radio playing and sing along, and we just enjoy our time as a family. No wonder he was happy today...his office and daily traffic adventures will be gone for an entire week, leaving him feeling renewed and refreshed. He won't need to answer telephone calls demanding deadlines, he won't have to sit through a boring meeting, he won't have to wake to the alarm clock ringing in his ear or worry if he'll find an ironed shirt in the closet. He won't have to drive behind an under the limit driver or a tractor that he can't pass. He won't have to find a parking place and take the elevator to the 7th floor and look out over the same view that he sees every day. He won't have to drink coffee from a little machine and eat bread sitting at his desk. Instead, he'll be on vacation, all that work stuff far from his mind.

Instead he'll have to play soccer outside, take a bike ride through a nature area, go on a few rides at an amusement park, watch the antics of the monkeys at the zoo, find easter eggs hidden by the bunny, eat breakfast with bacon and warm eggs and fresh-brewed coffee, sit on a terrace with a beer as we talk and watch the kids play on the playground, awaken in a little house by a pond when his mind says it's time to rise and shine, throw on a tshirt and training pants, and play, play, play just like the big kid that he can be. I love Happy Feet!

We're heading off on vacation...nope, not far away, but just over the border into Holland, just far enough away from reality for a week of freedom from life. My husband can't wait...and I can't wait for my husband to get home tonight!

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mom's birthday. She is a person that deserves recognition, not only because it's her birthday, but because she is caring, giving, loving, sweet, supportive, and my best friend. She would do anything for me and for my family, but even further, she would do anything for anybody. She is the kind of person with an infectious smile and someone you know you can trust, honesty shining from her eyes. I love to hear her laugh. There are so many people that tell me what a wonderful woman my mom is. And they aren't saying it just to be nice. She is one of those honest-to-goodness wonderful people and others notice it about her. I can't tell you the number of times I have seen her help a stranger. She has a business and is often asked for help in different ways, whether it be a tank of gas or a bite to eat or a ride into town...and she always comes through. The majority of those people aren't trying to take advantage of her, but have an honest need, and she is giving enough to help them. The times she has been cheated leave her feeling completely shriveled, as she looks at people with the same cheery trust as she herself gives. Unfortunately, some people do not have her same loving spirit.

My mom, I could go on for days about all the reasons that I love her. There is nobody else in the world that I can call day or night and pour out my feelings to, knowing she will respond honestly and at the same time give me peace. She tries to keep me centered, keep me recognizing all teh goodness in my life, yet at the same time honoring my feelings by telling me she's sorry I feel as I do if I'm having a down day, or laughing with me until we're crying when I tell her a funny story. She gives so very much of herself, and I fail to tell her often enough just what a terrific mom she is.

I strive to be the kind of person that my mom is. I am much more opinionated, a bit more adventurous, and quite a lot more open than she is. Things I do and say sometimes shock her, but she just keeps her quiet opinions to herself or makes a joke to tell me what she needs me to know. She never puts me down, even when there are times I need a good kick in the butt. She helps me reach for the stars, and encourages me in all that I do. She is quite simply everything a mom should be, with just a little bit extra. There is noone like her.

So, today is her birthday, this wonderful gift of a woman that God has put upon this earth. She truly is a gift, her love shining through. I hope that today she gets back a double dose of all the good she gives. She deserves it. She deserves peace and happiness in her heart, a sunshine smile upon her face, and love that surrounds her in a tight-squeezing hug. Happy Birthday Dear Mom, may it be a day as terrific as you are. I love you.

Celebration

Life is a celebration. A celebration of life. And within that celebration are moments to treasure, each and every day. Moments that shouldn’t pass us by without giving into the goodness that fills our senses. Some of these moments come to me in the form of something silly one of children says, other times it comes as I watch the birds flutter among tree branches. Sometimes it comes as I lie in bed with my son hearing him recount stories of his day, or read a bedtime story with my animated voice and see the expressions on my little ones face, knowing I have brought life to this story, just in the tone I use. Sometimes it comes as I lie snuggled into the chest of my husband late at night, feeling his fingers flutter over my skin, giving me peace and relaxation before my slumber. Sometimes it comes when I awaken to sun in a blue morning sky, and sometimes it comes as I walk through a simple but warm spring rain. Sometimes that moment of celebration comes when I have cleaned up my house and feel good as I walk through the rooms, no crumbs settled upon the kitchen floor. Sometimes it comes when the telephone rings with an unexpected hello greeting me at the other end of the line. And sometimes from a visit from the mailman or a neighbor stopping me on the street to say hello. These are not any of them memorable occasions, simple every day happenings that should be celebrated. This is life, this is living. And life and living, well, with that comes moments that make you see, yes, life is good. For in any of those simple pleasures, every worry can be stripped from your mind, every touch of sadness erased, every angry thought dissipated, and life is good. Life is a celebration, a celebration of life.

From Childhood to Pain

A little something I wrote today to try to help me through this process that my life has become. And to remember the good days when life was just a bit simpler and more grand...in such a pure and simplistic form as living in the woods as a child truly was. May tomorrow bring just a bit more peace to my heart...

From Childhood to Pain

Remembering back...to days long past
Three children growing, 2 boys and a lass.
Learning from nature, playing with sticks
Better than any Top 10 toy picks.

Sitting around the fire
Marshmallows our after-dinner desire
Faces smudged from the outside world
All pent up energy unfurled.

Those memories stick with me
A part of who I’m meant to be
The girl I once was, the woman I now am
An innocence such of a springtime lamb.

For I am a child of the great outdoors
That place where the bald eagle soars
Where squirrels and chipmunks share their home
Where the deer and buffalo roam.

Tasting cool water from a mountain spring
Playing on a tire swing
The mosquitos buzzing around my head
Our precious Bambi bottle-fed.

Family was imbedded in my heart
As if we were the finest work of art
Thinking these people belong to me
Knowing that it would forever be.

But childhood fantasies are put to rest
As we realize we’re an unwanted guest.
Those memorable days long since past
Family no longer so steadfast.

But my heart does not betray me
As I try and try again to see
The reason for this insanity
Does it stem from christianity?

Questions go unanswered as we part our ways
And I remember once again back to my childhood days
I learned and loved in daddy’s woods
Never to be replaced by all the worldly goods.

And so I’ll continue to sit and wonder
My head now filled with this thunder
As I try to come to terms with sadness
And try to understand the madness.

But it hurts.
Oh, the pain it exerts
A knife stabbing deep time and time again
Will I ever again be okay from within?

Dinosaurs

Playing games is something I love to do with the boys. And they always happily trudge upstairs to our overflowing game cupboard and bring down something to entertain us. I usually allow them free reign of what they want to play, and it frequently comes down to three or four daily choices. Jari's favorite is Dinosaur Monopoly. He loves hearing about where the dinos come from and repeating their difficult to pronounce names. It's a fun game.

Anyway, we were playing Dino Monopoly and Jari won yet another dinosaur. As he repested the name with some difficulty and the fact that this dino came from Wyoming, where gramma and grampa live, he suddenly had his own insight. "Mama, did you know that grampa shot all the dinosaurs and so there are no more?" Hmmm, well, the dinos were all dead before grampa was born. "No, grampa likes to hunt and he shot them all and that's why there are no more." So, all the dinos are extinct cuz grampa shot them all? Do you think he likes to eat dinosaur meat? "Hahahaha, that would taste funny. I could cook a spike like a french fry!" Yum, yum YUM! "No, grampa just likes to eat deer meat. He can shoot all the 'deers' now cuz he already got all the dino's."

I thought this was pretty funny. He sincerely believes that because many of the dinosaurs lived in Wyoming, that grampa was the cause for their demise. As many times as I have explained extinction to him, he thinks grampa is the dinosaur hero. And who am I to extinguish his dinosaur/grampa-grandson fantasies?

Back From America

It's never easy to say goodbye. But it sure is good to get hugs from my kiddos and a kiss from my husband and be reminded that I am again home. Home...my heart pulls in two different directions and that was evident as I celebrated a family party in America with my own family missing from the equation, thousands of miles away. Will it ever get easier or continue to tug at my heart with each little reminder of the distance? Will I ever feel secure in the knowledge that I made this decision, this move, and tore myself away from all that is familiar? I can't answer that. I only know that I am styuck between two worlds with my heart reaching in both directions. And as much as it pains to say goodbye, til next time, saying hello is just as strong an emotion in the opposite direction.

The trip was without doubt, wonderful. I was able to visit with each and every relative on my mom's side of the family, as well as relatives from England whom I haven't seen in a number of years. And all of my grampa's family was also present and I was filled with smiles as they all asked about my life in Europe, as I relayed little stories about my family and my life over the ocean. It is as if I live an adventure to all of them, and try to live up to those expectations through my stories of our travels and the events with which I am able to take part. I know I am lucky. I experience many things that many Americans only dream of experiencing. I know I am blessed, for I have the love of a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. Yet, my heartstrings tug and that is one adventure I wish I never had to explore.

My grandparents looked radiant on their special day. My gramma in her tiara and grampa in a brand new white shirt, both faces filled with love and smiles, all their children once again under the same roof, remembering back to the beginnings of this Hesprich family. I couln't help but shed a few tears as my uncle delivered a speech reminding us how good it feels to be home, our childhood a part of the person we have become, our parents guiding us to be the people we have turned out to be. The old farmstead replica added a sense of comfort as we all enjoyed stories about swimming in the pig troughs, hanging chairs from trees for some privacy, accidentally baking baby pigs as gramma tried to keep alive on the warm fire. It really brought me a sense of security seeing how far this family has come, still together after all these years, generations together in one place.

My parents took me on a little trip to Wayne, Wisconsin. I had never before heard of Wayne, but when they discovered the little house on the corner of the main street with a bar next door, I could hear the giggles and see the laughter in their faces as we "broke in" an open back door and I heard stories from their youth...as well as saw the special place where their love created little me some 36 years ago. I have a picture that I will hold forever sacred as they pointed to the place that housed their bed on the floor, the place that my life began, the place that they remember their own beginning. In that delapidated old house that looked as if it were ready to be torn down, life once again came alive as I heard of the parties they hosted, the scary upstairs that noone would enter, and the car rides to and from Wayne to Mayville so my parents could spend time together. It made me feel totally happy, to finally see this place from where I had come.

My gramma's birthday was celebrated the first day of my trip. We all headed to the senior center where my aunt gave her senior aerobics class to all the residents and we were nourished with good home cooking of corned beef and cabbage for St. Paddy's Day. It really was fun to see the exchange between my grandparents and the other residents. In their old age, they still have a place to call home, friends to share time with. As a closure to the day we all headed to a taco dinner at the local pub and then onto the casino. I came out of there with a $100 win and we all left pretty content after an evening gambling, something I rarely do as it seems such a waste of money. But it was a great time and I did have a blast, and so did my gramma which was most important of all.

I managed to go shopping one day and though the stores in the area were minimal I happily loaded my cart with a few goodies from "home" and a few treats for my guys back home. Amazing how bringing goodies from America reconnects something within me. As I presented some cereal and pop tarts and chewing gum and marshmallows to the kids, they knew this was special, this American treasure, and they reacted with the OOOhs and OOOha's that gave my heart a pitter-patter. This was my way of sharing their American heritage with them, when they couldn't be present to see it first hand. And they were grateful and accepting and we all had fun.

My little nephew brought me so many smiles as his hugs captured me in love. He is so inquisitive and wants to figure everything out and it was just so darn cute. As we ate his little toothless mouth opened and closed knowing this was something he also wanted to enjoy. He's just such a happy baby and I couldn't have gotten greater pleasure then holding him, playing with him, showing him the ducks and boat on a picture that he never tired of seeing. Seeing him for the first time since he was a newborn gave me a happiness beyond what can be described in words. It was pure sweetness and i loved every second of him.

My grandparents exchanged rings at their 60th anniversary party and as they held hands, wrinkly and old, and told each other they would marry all over again, I couldn't help but feel grateful. They looked so beautiful together on this special day. They gave me hope for what my own future could hold.

On my last day in America, I traveled with my parents to look at a machine my dad is interested in buying. I always love going on little jaunts with my parents because they always hold a sense of adventure and you just never quite know what you are in for. Well, we were infor an adventure for certain as we lost our way on the back-roads and had barely enough time to catch our flights. With my dad, you just know that getting on the plane, on-time, is invariably a question of maybe. He loves stress, and everyone else around him better also know how to handle it. We made it to the airport with a scant hour to return the car and catch our planes, and as we caught the bus back to the terminal and parted ways, the emotional good-bye was replaced with relief that we ahd made it. And we did. A few little tears escaped down my cheeks as I waved at them through the windows of the bus and then hurried on through security to catch my own flight home.

And then, 28 hours later, I was home. My boys greeted me at the train station with stories and smiles and their eyes gave me peace that all had gone just fine while I was away. And home, well, there's just nothing better than home, wherever that may be on any particular day in time.

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday at 10:15am just as I returned home from my trip to America, I received that dreaded call. My Uncle Jack is gone, leaving us here on earth to grieve for the man we all loved. I am only grateful that he no longer has to endure the pain. He was such an energetic and lively man, hunting a great joy as seen in the decoration covering his home. His animals were his treasures, each dog his best friend, all his cows a source of many laughs. He never failed to put a smile on my face with his own grumpy old man rendition. I will dearly miss him. I am sorry for my dad and wish I could be there to support him during this time. My dad loved his brother, deeply and simply. I am sorry for his family. Uncle Jack, thank you for all you have given to each of us through the years. The memories I have shared with you will remain forever a part of who I am. I love you, still.

Over and Out

Tomorrow at 4:30 am we're heading out the driveway...She's Coming To America, She's Coming to America...Today!!!!! Today! Today! Sweet Land of Liberty, TODAY! And so the song goes. I'm looking forward to the trip, less to missing my little ones and my husband. Thanks Er, for letting this be possible for me. I hope all goes well while mama is gone. I'll be thinking about you guys and bring you all back a treat! See you Monday!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO and many more,
Mama and Vrouwtje ;-)

Donker Betekent Dat Het Eng Is

aka The Dark Means That It's Scary

I picked Jari up from school this afternoon. We were biking to town to get some groceries and he started telling me all about babies and dreams. The theme in his class this week is babies and he's quite intrigued by it all. He tells me that babies don't know anything. I told him babies know when they are hungry and that's why they cry. He said, "Yeah, and they know that when it's dark out, that it's scary. That's why babies have little dreams and big boys have big dreams and I'm a big boy and that's why I have big dreams about bears and stuff." I asked if HE thought it was scary when it's dark out. I heard him sigh from his bike seat behind me and respond sarcastically with "Well, what do YOU think???!!!" I held in my laugh as I told him that dark doesn't mean scary, cuz there are nice things like the moon and stars that we can see if it's dark. I don't think he was convinced as he finished our conversation. "Yeah, and I can jump in bed between mama and papa and then it's not scary any more."

And to think I had no real idea how scared he is of the dark...hmmmm...

Leaving on a Jet Plane

and I know when I'll be back again. But as the time draws nearer, I'm getting more nervous about going. I am excited about seeing my family and sharing in the anniversary celebration of my grandparents. I'm happy I get to take part and be there for my gramma's birthday, to help decorate the hall, and even do a little shopping to bring back my favorite American goodies. I'm glad my parents will be arriving at the same time as me and we'll have a few hours to just talk and share companionship before greeting all the other visitors. I'm glad I'll have the chance to hold my little nephew and see his smiles and listen to him gurgle his sweet baby music. I'm blessed to have all of this to look forward to.

Yet, another side of me is worried. I know that my husband can handle the household for a few days, but never in his life has he been alone with my two guys for the amount of time he will on this vacation. I know how difficult Kaeden can be and I also know how difficult Erwin finds it to accept Kaeden's disabiding nature. I trust my husband, but when he knows I am concerned and makes jokes about how he's going to handle things while I'm gone, I feel like turning in my ticket and my chance at sharing in all the above happiness. Maybe he just doesn't get how real my concerns are to me. Maybe he thinks I'm a bit possessed by worries that may never happen. Maybe he thinks he can shape up our problems spending 5 days in mama's shoes. But whatever he thinks, all I hope is that I come back home and return to 3 happy guys that made it through with no real grief. I just wish I could expect peace. But as much as I like to dream and fantasize, reality is only one little step away...and peace is something that is lacking in our little family. I am nervous.

I am going to continue to hope that my distance will bring great things and let Erwin and Jari and Kaeden bond further...have that guy thing going on and have a bunch of fun without mama around. I am going to hope that Kaeden's tantrums stay at bay long enough to let Erwin see the wonderful young man that I do. I am going to hope that Kaeden and Jari play like the best of friends they sometimes are, and that their brotherly love/hate relationship leaves itself for another rainy week. I'm going to hope that Erwin is the loving, capable father I know him to be, and can tuck my boys in bed each night with a kiss and a meaningful "I love you."

So, these nerves of mine are churning double time as I count down the days to Wednesday. They are churning in excitement and worries, and both are making me feel a bit displaced. There are two sides to every story, and I as experience this within the confines of my own body, I hope that I can remember that in the relationship between all my guys as well. It's going to be okay, and we're all going to have another new experience to add to our book of life.

My Gramma

It's been nearly 8 years now. Eight years since I heard her laughter or saw her smile, watched as her thumbs twirl around her folded hands. Eight years since I combed her beautiful white hair, still shiny and full, or grabbed her walker to help her to the bathroom. Eight years since the card games have stopped and eight years since liver and onions have entered my mind as a full course meal. It's been nearly eight years since I last had my gramma alive with me here on earth. And lately, there isn't a day that passes that I don't see her face in my mind, hear her talking to me about OJ, or wish that I could go to her appartment for a visit. I miss my gramma.

It's so strange to me that after all this time I'm suddenly encountered with this need again. I mean, of course I have missed her through the years, of course I have thought about her, but to this degree has long since passed. Or has it? She was someone that was always in my life. From the time I can remember she was often with us, and lived with us for many years of my childhood. She wasn't one of those gramma's that came to stay for a few days, but was always there when I came home from school, most likely not baking cookies, but surely with a True Love romance magazine to pass into my hands once she'd read it. True Love, that is something that will always remind me of my gramma, for more reasons than one. Yes, that was her magazine of choice and as a teenager she turned me onto those flighty romance stories with a vengeance. But true love was also what I felt for her. Even in those most difficult of times having to share a home with my gramma, there was never a time that I didn't want her around. She was my friend and I loved being there to help her with tasks she could no longer do herself as her health started to regress. She was always so thankful when I brought her a warm cup of milk before bedtime and often rewarded me with a little candy treat from her private stash. Her extreme opinions about the OJ Simpson trial stick with me like it was yesterday, knowing that no matter what the hour I would find gramma in her electric chair covered with a blanket and holding a stuffed animal, the Simpson trial on TV. There were many an evening we would sit together at the kitchen table with a deck of cards between us but never finish the game as she began telling me stories of her life, and there was nearly never a story that didn't end with little tears flowing down her face as she relived the story of losing her son.

I feel so lucky that I had my gramma in my life. I feel even more lucky that she was also someone that had such great impotance in my son, Kaeden's, life. He remembers her and speaks of her often, though he was a mere four years as he held her hand on her death bed in the hospital. He speaks often of the little empty medicine bottles she would fill with coins for him and present to him on our visits, or about the Halloween day she acted so utterly shocked when he showed up as a little dragon on her doorstep trick-or-treating. She played a huge part in our lives, and I hope that in those days we gave to her as much as she gave to us in terms of love and support.

As we made an emergency trip to Laramie knowing that it would be the last time I held her wrinkly hands and kissed her soft cheek, I had a moment to tell her goodbye, as she lay nearly comotose in her hospital bed. I say nearly, for as I whispered in her ear that I wasn't ready to tell her goodbye, she let me know yet again that she loved me as her hand squeezed mine in a tight embrace. I left the hospital that night with tears flowing from my eyes, knowing that it would be the last chance to see her alive. And it was.

We loaded her coffin into the back of my truck to take her on her last journey home, to lay her to rest next to her husband in Idaho. We spent the trip stopping and reminiscing on the way, playing in the creek and feeling the security of having my gramma with us on that last journey. Though her body was dead, her spirit was most definitely not, and though it was odd driving some 12 hours with her coffin sheltered in the camper-top, it was also comforting and a feeling of security having her with us. We all felt it. And as much as it was a time of grieving, it was also a time of peace.

I miss my gramma. I wish she were here today to see the woman I have become, to meet my husband and my son, to help me through my difficult moments with Kaeden. Yet, she never leaves my heart, and is always present with her quiet wisdom. She is a woman I will never forget, and be thankful that I had the wonderful times I did with her. I love you dear gramma. And it's most definitely True Love.

Bikes and Europe

I was thinking today about my move to Europe and what that has meant to me. After having a very heartfelt talk with my girlfriend yesterday about the changes we've made in our lives just to manage in this part of the world, I keep having glimpses of the hysterical situations I have found myself in. Not always hysterical as in hahahaha, but looking back I can see the funny side. Still, moving here has been hard. Really hard. And it continues to be difficult as the years pass me by. It's so easy to slip into hermit mode and forget about the outside world where you can't be yourself, and don't really even know who that is anymore. Moving to a new country and trying to accept the cultural changes you must accept as part of your life, without having the history to support it and understand it, can quite literally make you crazy. This morning, I had one of those moments. Yeah, the crazy ones.

My son's bike has a flat tire. I fixed it once, my husband fixed it once, and yet, it's still (well, was) flat. This morning I got out all the bike repair supplies to fix the thing for once and for all. I took off the wheel, pushed the 'wheel taker offer' in and ran it around the rim, pulled out the tube and found the hole after airing it up and spitting on it to see the bubbles. Yep, that's what I did. And then, I started laughing. These huge, goofy laughs that made it hard to breathe. I was remembering back to the conversation I had yesterday with my friend, and then even further back to 7 years ago when I had not a clue even HOW to fix a flat bike tire...yet here I was, spitting on a tube to find the hole and ready with sandpaper, glue, and rubber to fix it. After my laughter subsided, I did fix that bike tire...I aired it up good, put it all back together, and know what? It is still fixed, ready to take out on the road and ride!!!

Why did this hit me as so funny? Well, it's just one more thing I have learned since moving to Europe. It was one of the first things my husband taught me to do when I moved here and got my first bike in years; it was my only mode of transportation and if I got stuck someplace, I'd be able to get back home. I can't tell you how many times I have fixed a tire in the 6 1/2 years Europe has been my home. But, it's been enough to know that fixing a bike tire is a tool I need to have, and one which I have conquered. I can do it! I have proof that I have excelled...just ask my son who is excited to have his bike ready for a ride later this afternoon.

I won't tell you right now about the time all the groceries fell off the special made little crate that fit on the back of my bike and broke in pieces and I still managed to make it home with the groceries. I won't talk about the time we moved from the center of town to the "suburbs" and did 75% of the move per bike, nor will I talk about the time my shoelace got caught in the chain or the time my pants leg wrapped around the pedal, nor the time my husband and I carried home a roll of linoleum for our downstairs floor each grasping an end trying to ride in unison, my son behind me on his special bike seat. I won't talk about it right now, because I am laughing far too hard. It's been quite a journey, and my bike has been a big part of my experiences here in Europe. Seeing that I can only manage about 40km/day on a really strong day, I'd say I've still got a ways to go, and I'm sure there will be much, much more to overcome in that time. Yes, overcome! I'm going to make it, and make it proudly!

The Tooth Fairy has landed

Pure magic. Last night Jari hid his tooth buried in the folds of his Superman pillow. It was secure in one of mama's ring boxes and after the trauma of losing his first tooth subsided, he was excited to see what the tooth fairy might bring. When he awoke this morning (papa woke him cuz he wanted to share in his excitement before he left for work), he came downstairs with his box and exclaimed "Het engeltje (The little angel) took my tooth and left me money!!!" He got a euro which he happily stuffed into his Kabouter Plop piggy bank so he could bring it to the real bank to deposit into his savings. His total Plop savings is up to 16,20 and he was quite impressed with that amount.

I can't quit looking at his mouth. Those little pink lips that once suckled at my breast, toothless and sweet, now contain a new hole where baby teeth will be replaced by "big people" teeth. Where oh where does the time go? As he walks around the house catching a ball singing "The tooth fairy came! The tooth fairy came!" with a refrain of "Look how high I can throw this mom", my heart flutters. I miss my sweet little baby, but wow, what a great kid he's turning out to be. His laughter brightens my world, his playful manner makes me jiggle in dance, his tight hugs envelop me in love...I wonder what will come once his big people teeth fill his mouth?

Jari Smarts

We were putting our stickers on our reward charts last night. And I was rewarded with a huge, hearty laugh that came from deep in my belly and flowed out into the world. Just how did that happen?

Mama: Jari, did you clean up your room today?

Jari: It is clean.

Mama: Then you can put a sticker here (pointing to the appropriate circle)

Jari: (Taking sticker and looking at me with a smile) If I NEVER play in my room, I'll NEVER have to clean it and I'll ALWAYS get a sticker!!!

Mama: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Smart boy!!!

Papa: (watching and listening from the background) Or you COULD just play with your toys and then CLEAN THEM UP when you're done... (Isn't he just imaginative??!!! ha!)

What Matters In Life

Today has been a day of reflection for me. Sometimes we get news that makes us really take into consideration where we are in our life, how far we have come, and where we are going. Things happen, life changes, and with it, so do we as people. I was confronted with some news that makes my stomach flutter with butterflies...but not in a good sense, more a firy hot ball of nerves waiting to erupt. And it made me take a good hard look at my life, all those clips of memories that go crashing through your mind from the time you can remember until today, all the special moments you have shared with special people in your life. And what do we do with those memories when that's all that we have left? Be thankful that our brain can store that information, that we have that little something to hold onto fast...our memories.

If we are confronted with a situation in which we have no control, how do we deal with it? What chanegs do we make? Or do we continue on as we are, hoping to find happiness and success in the midst of our trials?

I'll continue reflecting, and hope that through these reflections I am granted good news that can shut down the burden giving those butterflies in my stomach life. And if confronted with a situation in which I have no control, I will use my memories to help me get through, to remind me from where I have come, and help me continue to reach where I want to be. And in the meantime, I'll be praying that I receive good news, and be relieved of the dread that certain circumstances can bring.

Neighborhood Rituals

Well, I just had a visit from a couple ladies in the neighborhood. I was a bit taken aback as I was in the middle of cooking dinner and wasn't expecting anyone. When they came in, they reminded me about a card I had gotten in the mailbox a few weeks back. I thought it very strange at that time, as it was for a party for one of our neighbors whom we have never met. And, it was for his retirement party. On the envelope our names were all misspelled and I didn't even give it another thought after that day. I didn't even mention it to Erwin, as I just assumed it was a bit strange that we go to a party of a person we've never even met.

Well, today here come the neighbor ladies. You were invited to a party this Saturday, they said. We're all going to be meeting up outside the party hall at 8pm. We'll all go in together and present him his gift as a group, all the neighbors that have been invited. We're asking each family to contribute 10 euro and we'll buy something nice rather than all coem with who knows what.

So, I pulled out the 10 euro I had in my pocket left from grocery shopping today and handed it over, thinking about precious money for a good cause for a man I have never met. Hmmm...and yet, it seems such a nice tradition. It's that small-town community atmosphere that gives me a sense of security living here. It's families coming together, looking out for one another. It's all these neighbors with whom I have never even laid eyes on!!!!!

Erwin and I are pretty private people. We don't get involved in all the local activities, but still try to partake in a few. But we're not yet quite a part of this tiny Belgian community in which we've made our home. Maybe it's time to learn these traditions, partake in them, and become part of the community spirit that lives all around us. I'd like to know my neighbors better, to be able to say hello and ask the newly retired how he's enjoying his new hobby. To know that when I get that card in the mail from someone we don't know, it's not strange, but that sense of community, and a chance for us to be involved, to come to know the people with whom we share a postcode as more than just the guy that lives a few houses down.

So, with my 10 euro contribution I was able to sign the card and become a part of that community spirit. Maybe signing that card was the opportunity for us to really call our home, home. Maybe we'll go to the party and meet these neighbors, see them on the street, invite them to a BBQ. I sent our babysitter an email to see if she can come...if she can, it's time to make that step.

One Word

Here's just one word to complete my thoughts...

1. Yourself: Disappointed
2. Your spouse: Working
3. Your hair: Ugh!
4. Your mother: Friend
5. Your father: Busy
6. Your favorite item: Nikes
7. Your dream last night: Not
8. Your favorite drink: Capuccino
9. Your dream car: Big
10. The room you are in: Living
11. Your ex: None
12. Your fear: Death
13. What you want to be in 10 years:Healthy
14. Who you hung out with last night: Wokkers
15. What you're not: Satisfied
16. Muffins: Yum!
17: One of your wish list items: Cleanliness
18: Time: Dwindling
19. The last thing you did: Cough
20. What you're wearing: Nikes
21. Your favorite weather: Sunny
22. Your favorite book: Any
23. The last thing you ate: Cheese
24. Your life: Insanity
25. Your mood: Somber
26. Your best friend(s): Quiet
27. What you're thinking about right now: Dirt
28. Your car: Gone
29. What you're doing at the moment: Clicking
30. Your summer: Vacation
31. Your relationship status: Quiet
32. What's on TV: Commercial
33. The weather: Perfect
34. The last time you laughed: Today
35. Where you wish you were: Gym
36. Life in General: Missing

Different People

Monday I took the boys to a Carnaval parade in the town next to us. Oma came with us and we were walking through town to find our perfect place to catch goodies they might throw our way. The kids were excited and kept telling us how much stuff they were going to get...bags full! At one point a mom and little girl came up to us and started talking to Kaeden. He knew her from his bus though you'd never have guessed it from him. He didn't say a thing to her. Anyway, we stood there to wait for the parade and were pulled into the world of this mom. She was so extroverted and loud, dancing around and shouting, telling us more about her life in ten minutes time than I'd tell a stranger on the street in a lifetime. We couldn't get a word in edge-wise, and oma and I kept giving each other the look. Yep, you know, that one that says "What a loser!" We remained cordial to her, but didn't try to become too friendly. She was one of those people that would be your best friend standing on your doorstep at the crack of dawn every day if you let her get too close. Not my cup of tea. She was quite simply overpowering and living a bit in her past. She was about 30 years old from what I could tell, recently divorced with one child, and had won a championship for being in the color guard. She told story after story about her memories of the parade she marched in and as each flaot came by with teenagers dancing and drinking, she whooped and yelled, danced around and sang to the songs...as if she was one of them.

Well, this woman has really been on my mind the past few days. I feel for her. I think she is going through a really rough time in her life and could use a good friend. One comment she made really hit home with me. She commented on one of the cons of our children attending a special school is that we as parents don't have that circle of "friendship" from other parents that going to a local school brings. We don't get to talk to other moms, get to know the other kids, or have that sense of community. Yet another reason we as parents of a handicapped child get "jipped". Our children don't have local friendships, they are separated even further from the community by attending a school in which is suited to their needs. It's a bit like a dog chasing his tail. A never ending circle that never comes to completion or justice. It stinks.

This woman is recently divorced, has a handicapped child (the only reason I know this is because her daughter attends Kaeden's school), and has a need for mother friendships. This was obvious in her excitement at having us to talk to. She is just going about it in all the wrong ways with her overbearing and strong extroversion. But is that any different than the way I go about it? I too am a mother of a special needs child with a need for more social contacts. Yet, I am the opposite of this woman I met at the parade. I am much too introverted and tend to give off the signal that I don't need anythign from anyone. I don't make small talk, I don't involve myself in the conversations, I don't assert myself with the other parents. I am kind and smile, wave, and say hello...but rarely do I feel a part of the group and sometimes I miss that. When I do take initiative and make conversation, it's usually one on one and I have to be in a very strong mood to do so. It's not that I'm antisocial, but I don't put myself out there like I could, and should if I want more contact in the world of socail activity and friendship.

I've been really feeling bad about my reaction to this other mother. I wish I had given her just a bit more of myself, a bit more compassion and understanding. She may have calmed down a bit and been someone who I could have had a meaningful conversation with, even if it was purely for the handicapped children we have in common. We are really two very different people in our take on life, but really, we're quite the same in the great scheme of things. We all just want to be understood and accepted, feel a part, feel important. So, what's so different about us after all?

Feb 19, 2001

Yep, that was the date that shows Kaeden at 112 cm in length. Tonight, on Feb 17, 2007, Jari is at 112 cm. 6 years apart, and my boys are the exact same height on nearly the same day :-) That means that Jari is a bit bigger than his brother was at the same age, as Jari is about 6 months younger than Kaeden was in Feb 2001. I already knew that, though, as the clothes we saved from Kaeden for Jari fit him now. And know what else I realized? IN feb 2001 there was not yet a Jari...Kaeden was a single child...wow, how time changes lives. Kaeden is now 149cm at the ripe age of 12, and 8cm taller than he was exactly a year ago. And Jari, well, he's still the little guy in the class but growing strong...he also grew 8cm in this past year!

If there's anything I recommend for parents, it's to get a growth chart, a permanent one, and keep track of your kids heights on it. So all the marks look a bit sloppy and it can never be reused, but wow, it sure lets you see just how far your kids have come! Mine, well, they've come a long way, baby!

Morning

It started out as a stressful morning as is always the case when our routine changes. I had to take Erwin to the train station this morning, and that always means getting up earlier and getting everyone out the door ready. But surprisingly, it went fairly well and kaeden waited for his bus while we headed to the train station. On the way home, Jari and I were talking about morning and the sun and why the windows are wet...just little small talk with my little guy, trying to get him psyched up for a new day. He went to school today after having the luxury of being home with mama the past three days after being sick. He's feeling better and just left with a little cough , so I'm happy I can continue with my plans to visit with friends this afternoon.

Anyway, as we were coming upon one of my favorite places between Weert and Beek there stood about 100 deer in our range. No cars were behind me so I pulled off to teh side of the road and we watched these beautiful animals as they watched us back. Huge antlers turned my sons's voice into high-pitched delight, and when we saw the babies running his voice became even more animated. This is some kind of animal reserve and we always await the moment with anticipation if we'll see our "friends" or not. As we bid them a good day, we suddenly had a grouse run right in front of us. Itw as so beautiful with such vibrant colors on his tail and head. As we continued further we saw geese and ducks playing in a field filled with water. It was a day full of nature, and we both enjoyed it. It made me feel so happy as the sun shone on us and we were in the presence of all these beautiful animals.

As I dropped Jari off at school, he was ready to begin his day. I walked in the door of my home dreading the mess that I left from our Valentine feast last night (I feel asleep immediately after tucking the boys in), but instead was greeted with the beautiful bouquet of flowers my husband brought home for me yesterday. Okay, so the mess was (IS!) there too, but those flowers just shined and I felt very loved.

It is mornings such as this that give my heart peace. After all the sadness I have been feeling recently, this weas the perfect pick-me-up. I have nothing in life that can't be sorted out with a little time, love, and nature. I am blessed.

Happy Valentine's Day!

It's the day of love today....Valentine's Day! Yet, what a strange Valentine's Day it is! We're celebrating a double holiday, as it's also Carnaval day for the kids at school. Kaeden left for school dressed as a soldier with his Valentine's cake he made yesterday and all his Valentine's in a sack to share with his friends. He's got an army painted face and a gun, camo clothing, and then some little Sweetheart candies and boxed Valentines...what a combination. He's excited about both, but I'm sure the Carnaval celebration is more powerful to him...that's what they know here in Belgium...not the lovey-dovey Valentine's, as much as we also make it part of our life here in our American household. Still, his classmates will be excited during their Carnaval celebration as they dive into Kaeden's heart-shaped cake and candies. I said it was interesting.

Jari has been home the past few days sick. I don't even know if he's going to go to school as when I woke him up he was feverish and coughing like a barking seal. I hate for him to miss these fun and special events, but he told me he just doesn't want to go. I think if he'd get up and be a bit more lively he'd want to cash in on the opportunity as well, but we'll wait and see. He's only got 1/2 day today and a dose of tylenol should perk him up just long enough. But I'm not gonna push it. I'd rather have a healthy little boy than a real Wyoming cowboy. And as for treats, well, we are saving Jari's for his soccer club. Treats are frowned upon at Jari's school, and I didn't manage to get the cookies made anyway. Jari wanted to create a football field with potato soccer balls just like he saw on a kids cooking program yesterday while he relaxed on the couch. So, that's what we did. He was very proud even as he took a bite into them with disgust. He decided he didn't like the grass or the soccer balls or the meat which was a bit pink inside...guess he's a well-done kinda boy like his mama.

Erwin will most likely be home late tonight as he's moving his office to another building. I packed his lunch up in lovey-dovey sandwich bags this morning, but the poem I wanted to write just didn't come to me yesterday, no matter what I did. Like I said, I have been feeling a bit down and the Valentine's Day celebration hasn't been the foremost thing on my mind. Erwin, will you be my Valentine, voor altijd en een dag? Even if I haven't been the most loving of wives, I hope that deep down you know how very much you mean to me.

Happy Valentine's Day! May it be a feast of loving hearts sharing that special closeness each of us deserves every day, but most especially, today.

Crabby Me

I have been a first class bitch the past few days. I haven't been able to understand what's going on with me, but I've just been totally down and taking it out on everyone around me. I've been miserable and want them miserable too. Now, isn't that just "nice". It's probably that time of the month...it should be getting close anyway...and as I get older I have noticed that I am having more and more bouts of bitchiness a few days prior to getting my period. I feel like the world is against me and I am most certainly against the world. But then I woke up this morning after a really miserable Sunday and didn't feel especially good. My stomach was feeling a bit funny, my throat a bit itchy, my voice a bit scratchy, and my head a bit stuffed. As the day wore on, it just kept multiplying. When I picked Jari up at lunch I took one look at his extremely white face and knew he was feeling just like mama. He came in and immediately lay down on the couch requesting a movie and water. He didn't go back to school, but we took some books in mama's bed and read stories and sang songs til we both crashed. He slept nearly two hours, got up and laid back on the couch with a blankie. I masked some medicine in his juice and he thought it tasted funny, but drank it anyway. He's perked up a bit in the last 1/2 hour, still laying on the couch with his blankie. I also feel a bit more human, though my head feels like it weighs a hundred ton and my ears are all full of fluff and there's that warm/cold thing going on...yep, the tell-tale signs of getting sick. Dang!!!

Maybe, just maybe, my bitchiness can be excused this time around. I dunno...I still feel that way. I just want to pack up myself and huddle in a corner all alone and lonely and have a good cry. Not ideal, especially when I've got a baby begging mama to take care of him. I should have been a crab, not a lion...but at least I know how to growl real good...

Emotions

Today has been an emotional day for me and I'm not entirely sure why. Some days are like that...you just feel a bit sentimental about a lot of things. That's been me today...

Tomorrow is my SIL's birthday. We'll head over to help her celebrate after Jari's soccer game tomorrow afternoon. Jari and I went shopping for a birthday present this afternoon after school, but it's always so hard to find that perfect something. We got her a lil something I hope she'll like, just to even out the more practical gifts we've already decided upon.

Last night we signed Kaeden up for semi-internaat through his school. The program sounds really helpful even though the waitlist is long. He can still attend the vacation program being on the wait list so that'll be ncie for him this summer. It sounds as if they do a lot of fun activities. The costs add up quickly, but if it brings a bit more peace to our family and a bit more stability to Kaeden, there's no cost too high. On the same form we also agreed to be waitlisted for internaat. This is the live-in program at school which I have been ignoring for the past three years. It made me feel sick to my stomach when the forms were signed, but I have to look toward Kaeden's future and quit hovering over the mommy-feelings that hold onto my baby. I have agreed to nothing more than his being placed on the waitlist and if a spot comes available to him before we are ready, I can always refuse service. However, after some of the events that have happened with him recently, I am starting to feel the pressure to make some changes that will be positive for all of us. Even though I can't breathe when I think about placing him in a living situation, I am getting really fed up with daily fights and abuse we suffer at his expense. No mother should have to be put in this situation. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate autism?

My girlfriend Sharon and her husband watched the boys for us last night while we attended the meeting. I cannot begin to describe how important I feel this relationship is for my kids. Having such limited family here, the creation of extended family means a great deal to me. Sharon and Hans really love my boys and they treat them really well...my boys feel like they are family. It means so much to me, and I'm sure as the boys get older, the relationships that are important in their lives will only continue to grow. Having that security really means so much.

Jari told me today that he loves papa more than mama. When I couldn't help but let tears fall from my eyes, he said he was just joking. But it didn't sound like a joke to me, and really did hurt my heart. I asked him why he loves papa more and he assured me that he loves us both the same. The damage was already done, however. Makes me feel yet again like a failure as a mother. I can't help but be happy that my son and husband have such a special relationship. I am grateful that Erwin is his son's hero in life. But what happened to that mama/son bond that we created when he was still a baby? I know he loves me, but darn it all, why can't I be papa?

My gramma hasn't been feeling very well lately and went to the doc for a check-up. He was concerned with some of the things he saw and sent her for a thorough check-up today. I feel so nervous as she's having some of the same signs as when she was diagnosed with lung cancer a few years ago. Make sme worry that she may have cancer again, and I know she isn't willing to fight it any more. She is totally content with her life, and at peace with dying when it is time. She always says that if she dies tomorrow noone should be sad, because she has peace and feels ready to go whenever God is ready to have her. I wish I could feel as content as her, but death is something that never makes me feel peaceful. I don't want to lose the people that I love. It hurts too much.

My uncle Jack is still in the hospital with a tentative release date of Tuesday, as long as things at home are in place for him there. I pray for him daily and send messages to let him know that I care adn love him. I just hope he is well enough to go home as he isn't happy being in the hospital, and being around all his animals would give him the love he's missing there. Please keep him in your prayers.

I planned to visit with my girlfriends this week, but when I planned to leave, Erwin didn't seem too happy about it. So, I canceled. My husband and I never have enough us time and I could tell he needed it that night. We watched some home videos and then some tv. We didn't do anything special, but being together was something good for both of us. Canceling on my girlfriends is something I would never have done earlier in my life. But I am beginning to be a more open person with my feelings and trying to be more honest about how I feel. Sometimes you just have to make adjustments in life, and this was one of those times. I missed the laughter with my girlfriends, but enjoyed the cuddling with my husband...the balance between teh two is sometimes really hard to maintain. Both are equally worth it, for differing reasons. But at that moment in time, my husbands needs became my own and I stayed home. I need him to know that I care about him...sometimes it's too easy to let the relationship with your spouse sit on the backburner while life passes you by.

Well, it's pizza and movie night for us, so I'm gonna go spice up the frozen pizza and get it in the oven. Then we're gonna watch Happy Feet! Looking forward to seeing those cute dancing penguins! And my boys are gonna be thrilled! They've SO been wanting to see it!

Happy Friday...Happy Weekend!

He Didn't Have To Be

Oh my gawsh, I have tears streming down my face. I just listened to this song and boy, did it ever hit home. It's about a little boy with just a mom, and finally a man comes into their lives and the little boy finally has a dad. This is for you, Erwin...for being the dad you didn't have to be. Thanks so much for giving Kaeden a true hero to look up to. Thanks for giving me the family I dreamed of. You're the best. And this song, I dedicate to you. WE love you.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1GNevSe7T7o

School News

We had a conference with Jari's teacher last night. She wanted to give us his test results as well as discuss his placement for next year. I headed out the door without a worry in my mind. Jari does well, tries hard, and I had no reason to be concerned. After our conference, I was much less confident. I'm convinced that my son is a high achiever and meets those expectations. The school sees a child that needs a bit of extra help, may fall behind in his studies, and has difficulty making contact with the teachers. Hmmmm....

Jari came out on his tests as being on the lower end of average. This in no way portrays the child I know at home. His artwork is extremely detailed and precise, he is already very interested in reading and tries to find all the letters on signs and in books. He knows much more than he was letting on in those tests. I KNOW this. As I looked at the tests I was surprised by some of his mistakes. His teacher said that she had to redirect him many times as he didn't initially understand the assignment. She said this happens much more frequently than just on the tests. It is hard for her to make contact with him, because he is very quiet and not inquisitive. I wonder what she'd think if she saw (and heard) him at home? She said he frequently draws and writes very tiny. On the first page of his test was a picture he made of himself. It in no way showed the detailed artist that Jari typically is. There was a tiny figure that you could barely see...yes, he'd included all the important parts...face, arms, hands, legs, feet, tummy...but it wasn't a drawing I would have even guessed Jari had done.

Jari's teacher is concerned that next year when he begins 1st year, which is the monumental school year here in Belgium, that he's going to become a bit lost, as he will not ask for help. She thinks he's going to be a kid that needs a bit of extra attention in order to be successful, and she fears that he won't get the attention, but become lost in the crowd due to his quiet manner. She made it clear to us that we're going to have to work extra with him at home in order for him to catch on to the important subject matter covered in 1st year, which is necessary for a successful school career.

Erwin came out of the appointment stating that how the tests were delivered is stupid and the scoring puts the child at a disadvantage. I was more concerned with what his teacher told me. Tests or not, she has been working with kids for a long time, has seen all the differing levels, and should know where a child falls. Still, in the case of Jari, I think she has it all wrong. I sincerely don't see him as someone who will find school subjects difficult, but more as a child who will move through with no worries. I wish I could say the same at this moment in time (no worries, I mean).

When I heard the results, I told her I was very surprised by what she was telling me. I assured her that he is a much different child at home...stubborn, outgoing, strong minded, and smart. But the fact is, we need to encourage him to be that same child at school. I'm happy that he is not a trouble-maker, gets along with the other kids, has great motor skills, and seems to enjoy his social and play life at school. But how can we give him the confidence to succeed in school, to question and answer with confidence, to share stories which apply to the topics of conversation without withdrawing?

This little conference really gave me a good kicking in the stomach. As I walked out, I felt like a failure. All the reminders of Kaeden's test results kept replaying in my mind making me fear the worst for my Jarietje. Yet in my heart of hearts (and head of heads) I KNOW this child will make it, and most likely at the top of the class...that's his character trait...he's going to be a success story. Thanks for the results, Miss Linda, and we WILL help Jari with his studies...next year, the year after that, and the year thereafter as well...and we won't stop til he proves that he is the bright child that WE KNOW that he is! I will not let him fall through the cracks...he will succeed!

Loose Tooth

We've reached yet another milestone in our home...one that convinces me life passes by much too quickly! Yep, my baby (okay, so he's 5...) came out of school today and told me he has a loose tooth. I checked and it's definitely LOOSE! It wiggles and could almost be popped off. Wonder if the tooth fairy will come and carry Jari's precious tooth off to help her build another room on her house? I wonder if she'll leave him money under his pillow as he sleeps? I wonder if she'll be happy or pouting like his mama is? First a loose tooth and then puberty...waaaahhhh, I don't want my baby to have a loose tooth just yet...

Protective Mom

I am a protective mom. I would do anything for my boys. Both of them. But, I am much more protective of Kaeden than Jari. Maybe that's because I don't feel he has the tools needed to protect himself. Maybe it's because he was the one thing that saved me from destroying my life when I was headed in the wrong direction prior to his birth. Maybe it's because he was the only thing that was mine all mine before I started my family. I don't know exactly why, but I am extremely protective of him. Of his feelings most of all.

And maybe, just maybe, when something like your child comes so close to be taken away from you, you'd do anything to make sure that can't happen for the rest of your life. Kaeden was nearly taken from my life. He was a very sick little boy until the time he turned five. I don't know what changed in him that year, but since then he's been healthier than a goat (why is that useful? Are goats healthy?) besides the autism that has stripped us of some healthy normalcy. Anyway, beginning from the time of his first hospital visit at 9 months old, my child was NEVER healthy. We spent good parts of our years in hospitals and there were many a day that I was sure he would stop breathing. One day, he did. My son was in the hospital at the ripe old age of 2. We had been rushed there after I took him in to the doctor following more breathing difficulties. My son suffered from RSV which led to serious asthma problems. When we arrived at the doctor's office they immediately shipped him off to the hospital...not even going through ER, they had his room ready when we arrived 10 minutes later...a private, sterile room with an oxygen tent where they stripped him of his clothes and tucked him in. We could enter the room, first after going through sterilization procedures, and wearing sterile clothing so no germs could reach his sick little body. I was so scared. I was alone with him and as my parents were on vacation, I couldn't reach them. I stayed in that little room for days, not even leaving to go home and shower or change clothes. He was so sick, and keeping him inside his tent of life was so difficult. Well, difficult after a few days where he first lay listless. At one point, his machines started beeping and I was a bit confused what was happening. Immediately his room filled with nurses as they screamed out "Get the doctor, we're losing him!" The doctor was luckily visiting a patient next door and ran in immediately. They started CPR and my baby's blue lips turned pink again as I stood shaking in a corner tears streaming down my face. I had just stood looking death in the eye...the death of my son.

The doctor called me into the hall after he was stable again. He told me how seriously ill Kaeden was and that we had to get his oxygen levels to rise. He saw how shaken I was and patted me on the back after promising to do all he could. Kaeden spent 10 days in the hospital that time. I missed my brother's wedding...but my son was still alive. We left the hospital with an oxygen tank that we carried with us everywhere we went...and the nebulizer treatments went to 4x/day. Talk about NO fun! A neb treatment for a 2 year old, and then the nose cleaning which was required 2x/day...a salt solution to rid the nose of bacteria that was squirted through his sinus cavities and came out the other nostril before squirting the flonase medicine into his nose. And then the steroids...so many steroids. I was given a choice at one point of Kaeden's treatment...give him more than the allotted amount of steroids and not know what will happen to him, now or later in life, or let him die. I chose the medicine. Without a second thought.

We were referred to one of the leading asthma institutions in the country for further testing and treatment. Luckily, it was in Denver, just 5 hours from my home. There we learned that he had a collapsed lung which was contributing to his problems. His medication was changed and lots of testing done with no real outcome as to where the problems stemmed. He simply couldn't get sick or he'd be subjected to breathing problems. I was very strict about his medication and he managed to do okay. I was always worried and every night I would pull out my stethoscope and listens to his lungs for any sign of wheezing. More often than not, there was wheezing present. It was no fun for either of us.

Anyway, why am I reminded of this story today? Well, people often wonder and comment on how protective I am of Kaeden. I seriously think this may the reason. And because we have been looking into getting our kids baptised, and I have had to remember the time my son nearly died and was given an emergency baptism at that time. Does that count as a baptism? The answers to that question seem a bit vague. At the time, I was convinced. I think a baptism is a baptism regardless of how it was performed or under what circumstances.

So, that's my story for today. Maybe now that I have written out all my fears, I can move on again...and wonder yet again if all these traumas from our early years together contribute to the autism that's part of him today? And maybe people can understand just a tiny bit better why I am so overtly protective of my first-born child. He's been through a LOT in his life...and because of that, so have I...

40 Year Party

My in-laws celebrated forty years of marriage yesterday. 40 years! I consider that quite a milestone in life. When Erwin adn I reach forty years of marriage, we'll be in our 70's...but oma and opa are in their early 60's and to help them celebrate their special day, they got a few little trips...one to Barcelona from Ilse, and one to the Moezel in Germany from us. And, they just got back from a few days away in Southern Holland that they planned themselves. So, celebrating 40 years seems quite a "worldly" experience!

In honor of their special day, they invited us all on a surprise day out. When we got to their house we all loaded up in their car and headed to....Toverland! It's a indoor/outdoor playland with rides and games and playgrounds and rollercoasters and we had a really good day relaxing with coffee and sandwiches between our bouts of fun. The kids especially enjoyed themselves and while there I kept thinking what unbelievably lucky guys we have. When I was a kid, we went to such an amusement park MAYBE once a year...my kids manage to get to one at least every couple of months. Are they spoiled? Maybe a little, but at the same time it's a day for our family to come together and do something fun we all enjoy. And we never just go buy a ticket and go, but search for specials or on the second hand site for people trying to get rid of tickets. And often, they receive the ticket as a gift for a birthday or Christmas. And it gives all of us a bit of fun.

After heading out at closing time, we went to a restaurnat for dinner. This was someplace Erwin remembered going with his family over the years, and so was meant to bring back memories as well as a good meal. It was a bit less than we had hoped, with snotty servers and cafe style food which was tasty, but limited in choice. Oma didn't even eat as she couldn't find anything she liked. Erwin sat with us 20 minutes late as he waited for his to cook, and Kaeden ended up with a hodgepodge of pea soup, a boiled egg and chocolate mousse. The cost with regards to service was certainly overpriced, but it was still nice having a sit-down meal with the entire family in a restaurnat...something we don't often do with our little guys. We then completed the evening at oma and opa's house with pie and coffee, as we all yawned and commented on how tired we were.

It was a nice day. The best part for me was seeing oma and opa so happy together, joking and smiling, talking about their second youth, the plans they have for the coming years. When they went on the bobsled together and came rolling to a stop with laughter that didn't stop, it made me feel really happy inside, gave me hope for the future with my own husband. Thinking about both sets of parents, mine who have shared 35 years together, and Erwin's celebrating 40 years, we have both had good examples of marriage, what making a life together means. I only hope that when we come to 40 years, I can be standing beside my husband with so much laughter still filling my eyes. Thank you oma and opa, for such a special day sharing such a wonderful milestone with us. Thank you for the laughter and smiles, thank you for giving us hope. And PROFICIAT! And now, onto the second youth...

Mortgages

I kinda forgot about this, but wanted to write about it today as it was a topic of interest to me in the past few months. Erwin has tried a few times to explain it to me unsuccessfully, but this morning it seems it finally got through. And now, I wonder if it's normal to pay a mortgage in the following manner. It seems that in Holland (where we have our loan), that's one normal way to do it...but everywhere else???

Anyway, when we bought our house, we applied for a loan for the amount of the house plus a bit more to do some renovations that we had to do before it could even be habitable. When the bank officer came to our house, we paid for an extra insurance that pays for our home should anything happen to Erwin...considering he's the bread-winner in our family, that would be necessary if I were left as a widow. The mortage we got is a 25 year one and what we now pay monthly covers the interest. Nothing over the interest...at the end of 25 years, we'll still owe the complete cost of the house. In the meantime, we have to re-negotiate our mortage after 10 years. Maybe the rates will drop, maybe they'll be higher, maybe we will choose to go with another bank...doesn't matter..a.t that time if we choose to go with another bank, we'll ahve to pay the full loan off...and get a new one with another provider...or continue paying the interest on our current loan at the interest rate that's offered at the 10-year mark.

Now, how are we going to pay off this loan at the end of the 25 years??? Well, we invested in another company that we pay a couple hundred euro in the month to invest our money. They put our money into stocks/bonds/CD's...anything that is a low risk and will hopefully give us a good return on our money at the end of our 25 year mortage period. This sounds like a bit of a gamble to me...if at the end of 25 years, our investments are short of the money we've given out, how are we going to pay off our loan on the house??? The contract we have with the investment company we are working with plays this investment game at a low risk level according to our wishes. We have no input about how they invest our money, but trust them to bring us back a good return at the end of 25 years. Hmmm...so, I'm finding it all a bit exciting now. It's sorta like playing the lottery and hoping that you hit...and at the end of 25 years, we'd well better have made a good return on our investments, else I may be forced out of house and home...talk about an adrenaline rush! Go Goudse Go! Make my cash into millions (well, at least 101,000 PLEASE!)!!!

But, is this a normal way to pay off a mortgage? I've never bought a house in America, so I dunno if that's done or not? But it seems a bit chancey...even if it's much more exciting than paying a bunch of extra we don't have every month...

Life as a Mom

I have been thinking a lot about my life as a mom. All the dreams I had when I first learned I was pregnant, the kind of mom I planned to be, the kind of children I planned to raise. And there are dreams, and there is reality. And I think that in general, I have been the kind of mom I want to be. I spend a lot of time with my children doing activities that are fun and help them learn. I am always available to my boys, whether it be to make them something to eat, give them a hug, kiss a boo-boo, or play a game. They are, in general, pretty happy little boys who don't want for much. But, I have also come to another realization about my mothering...as much as I give my kids, I never feel good enough, I never feel that I am doing this most important job as well as I could. Where do you ever reach that balance between giving to your children and finding peace within yourself? As a mom, I can't help but worry. I worry about my children's futures, if I am providing them with tools to be successful adults. I worry about whether I am teaching them compassion and understanding of other people, and still giving them the tools needed to prepare for dealing with situations that arise regarding others. Am I nourishing them properly, not giving in too much to their pleas for sweets and junk food? And as an overweight mother, how am I setting a good example for them in the exercise and eating department? How can I teach them to clean up after themselves, keep their space pleasant and healthy, when 1) it's easier to just do it myself; and 2) I am a chaotic person at best and find it hard work to keep my life and home organised? How can I teach them the value of education when I myself do not use the thousands of dollars and millions of hours put into obtaining my university degree? When is it time to let go just a little, or hold on a bit longer?

Lately, I just find myself questioning my ways as a mom. Maybe that comes from my last hope for helping Kaeden before I ask for outside help. He needs more than I am offering him, and I don't know if that comes from my lack of providing, or if it's because of his handicap. It's tormenting my mind, and each morning as I wake to the dread of our morning ritual, I pray that I can be a success, just for this hour that provides our family with the most stress, and if I can make it through that first hour, I can make it through anything. Maybe it comes from my worries about Jari...how to help him become his own person without modeling Kaeden's autistic behaviors. How to capture his giving spirit without worrying that he's too tuned in to the need of pleasing everyone. He doesn't like to cause disappointment, and this is a good thing, but I worry that he sometimes takes it too far and doesn't obey his own inner spirit in the process.

I am really trying my best here, but this is such a HUGE chore that God has blessed me with. It is my job to bring these young boys to adulthood and help them achieve success as upstanding citizens. I am their mom and they model me. They learn from me. They live with my faults. They teach me what I am doing right and wrong. They are growing up, my sweet little babies...am I being the guiding light that I dreamed I would be? A question that can only be answered with the passing of the years...