Almost England

Just three days to go. And I haven't really even begun to consider what that means as far as being ready with suitcases packed and tickets in hand. Heck, I'm in a state of denial. I think the problem with this trip is that I am packing for one week for Jari and I without the option of traveling with a suitcase...we can only take carry-ons and that seems quite a chore....and as for Kaeden, well, I've got 6 weeks of packing for him to do. How to manage? How to manage?

I have no idea what we're going to do while in England. I worry a bit about the prospect of two busy boys cooped up in a tiny house with an 88 year old woman for a week. Are there playgrounds in the neighborhood? Can we find a swimming pool nearby? Will anybody be available to help us figure out public transport if things get too hot and bothered staying with my aunt? I mean, really, I don't epect any problems or I'd never planned to go, but still, a week is a long time without computer games to keep them busy, their dvd's to watch, or games and toys to gather in every hook of the house. My aunt hasn't had children in her house in 40 years...will my kids be able to survive in a postage-stamp yard for a week?

I'm excited about seeing my mom. She's coming half-way through our trip to be there to celebrate my birthday with me. What kind of birthday will I have this year? I have no clue how English birthdays are celebrated, so that'll be a cultural surprise I'm really looking forward to. And being with extended family on the day will be nice, but my husband won't be there...will he miss me? We'll celebrate upon my return home, but my baby won't be with me...it's going to be so hard. Saying goodbye to this little being I have had with me by my side nearly daily since his birth is not going to be easy. Five weeks without my Riley boy...I can't imagine what that is going to be like...a bit more peaceful, a bit less rowdy, but just not the same. Though his antics sometimes drive me up the wall, he certainly brings a sense of energy and excitement to our home. I'm going to msis him to pieces...seriously.

Anyway, I have 3 days before our flight leaves Holland to cover the distance across the north sea. Three short days to figure out how to pack and prepare myself mentally for all this trip will bring. It's going to be an emotional roller coaster...hello mama, goodbye little boy, happy birthday to me, i miss you honey, let's play ANOTHEr game of stop and go...

Bath Toys

This afternoon I took a bath with Jari. He loves to play with plastic animals, and today was no exception. As his animals came to chase me and bite me, my dinosaur picked up the penguin and we booked it on outta there. Completely innocent game and he laughed and laughed. And when I looked down, I couldn't help but laugh either...but what I saw wasn't quite as innocent....see what I mean?! :-) hahaha The joys of toys....

And then, to top off my fit of laughter, I glanced at my son who looked just like Alfalfa...see any comparison?!

Thank You Erwin

This is going out to my husband. Why? Well, he's basically a good guy that gives lots and cares deeply...and he helps me succeed in raising our kids to be world citizens living in one culture while encompassing the cultures and traditions of two other cultures that are important in our children's lives. Last week I sent Erwin an invitation to our 4th of July party. This was after he reminded me that there wasn't much time left to send out invites and get everything prepared. And then later in the week I sent him a grocery list for the must-haves for our BBQ, which he purchased after work one day. And then all through the week he came home to paint and pictures and decorations littering every surface of our home as the boys and I made American flag creations in red, white, and blue. And then Saturday, when we had so much to do, our hot water heater gave out and he organized the purchase and installation of a new one (even tho opa did all the actual work...thanks SO much, opap!!!) while I ran around picking up the last minute stuff for our party...and spending even more money. And Sunday, while I was busy preparing food and organizing our BBQ, my husband spent all day cleaning outside,and decorating with American flags galore to create a 4th of July atmosphere unknown to this area of the world. He carried loads of chairs and tables down from the attic, washed them all, put away the mess of a winter's accumulation of crap int he serre, and then created little America in our garden. And he did it all without complaining. In fact, he was even smiling most of the day and at the end of the night when everyone had left our home filled with good food and the spirit of America pulsing through their veins after lighting the torch on the statue of liberty, he told me that our party was a success. Yes, my dear, it was a success...and that was because of all the work you did to help make it so. For accepting my American culture as your own, for wearing a USA t-shirt with pride, for teaching our children special dates in America's history, for buying hamburger buns which weren't on the list just because you know Americans like hamburgers ona bun, and for buying corn on the cob even though you think it's meant for pigs. Each year as we bring doen the bin filled with American decorations, your world opens a bit bigger, and you look forward to the party we share with our family and friends from all walks of life. You understand the importance of honoring a country which meant nothing more than an intereting place to visit less than 10 years ago. Today you envelop America with teh same enthusiasm as I. You look forward to vacations "home", you keep up with the sports and news from the other side of the atlantic, and you bring it all home, here in Belgium, when you place the American flag proudly at the head of our dinner table.



There is noone but me that understands the impact of your thoughtfulness. Nobody can feel the spirit of America and your acceptance of it but me. Nobody knows what being a tri-cultural family is like but those in the situation...us. Nobody knows the importance and desire to instill pride and love ,n acceptance and envelopment of two nations, in our children, but those that strive to do so...us. And Er, we're doing it well. We're making it work, because you are open to accepting me by accepting my traditions and my roots. I moved here to be with you. I uprooted my life to call this my home. But for you, staying here was just as difficult with all the changes that came into your life, and from the first moment my gratitude to you for all you do has never wavered...thank you for being my husband, my love, and my support. Thank you for knowing my needs and putting up with my failures. Thak you for hanging the American flag, and doing so with the knowledge that this is something that is natural and ordinary and necessary in our lives. It's not just about a 4th of July party...it's about accepting me, where I am from, the values and norms I have within, and making it all just another day in our life. I love you.

My Boys

I was tucking my kids into bed tonight. It's one of my favorite daily rituals as it usually ends the day on a nice note, no matter what has happened all day long. We read stories, sing songs, snuggle, and I tickle their face or rub their hair, depening on the kid. Anyway, it's a time I treasure as a mom. Most of the time.

Tonight, I was reading Jari a story he received from a friend of mine from Australia. It was about all the animals in Australia and he had a story to tell about each one. For each 10 word page, I received a 10 minute documentary about the animals. His favorite was by far the platypus. And when I told him he got the book when he was a baby like the joey, he giggled and laughed and it was a wonderful moment. As he finally settled down to sleep, I started to tickle his face ever so lightly...his chin swept ever so softly with the tip of my finger never fails to relax him. I watched his face as he became ever more relaxed, wondering why I was blessed with such a beautiful child, when he pulled my fingers to his cheek and started to caress my fingers. He hugged my arm tight and then placed my fingers back on his face. And it is moments like these that I feel blessed to be his mommy...no matter what they day has held for us, the end of the day brings me so much comfort, peace, and love.

And then, I headed to Kaeden's room. He is overly excited about our 4th of July party we're holding tomorrow and can't stop talking about the jobs he plans to undertake and the games he plans to use to entertain our guests. Hearing his excited chitter-chatter makes the hard work of a party (when I'm feeling a bit sick and weepy) 110% worth it. He just can't wait and his animated voice proves to me that I am teaching my kids the traditions of an American culture within the confines of Belgian soil. It means a lot to me. As I told him I didn't want to talk about the party any more or he would be too tired to have fun, he started to rub my back...this is something he does extremely well, and I can't help but fall victim to his massage. As I lay on his bed with his hands working their magic on my back he asked me "Mom, do you know how much I love you?" I responded with "Uhm, all the way to the stars and back?" which is his normal response. "Nope. All the way to hell and back!" he lovingly answered. My body shook in laughter...I guess I can count that a good thing??!

Anyway, my little angels who are usually not so angelic (maybe that's where he got the devil theme from??!) throughout the day are now snuggled in bed awaiting the sun's rays in the morning. And for now, I feel so completely fulfilled. This is what life is all about.

Politics

I am not a fan of politics. Half of the time I don't understand what is happening and the other half I am confused about why it is happening. Every once in awhile, however, something hits me and feels completely wrong. And when Bush disregarded the law and used his power to commute Libby from his prison sentence, I understand politics far too well. I am not a fan of Bush. I feel that what he stands for undermines the good of America. When someone with so much power rules a country, the country itself is turned and twisted to be seen as a mini-version of it's leader. And what we see in Bush is someone with too much control, who loves war, and disregards justice. And that's how America is seen in other countries, surely, but also within the borders of America itself.

I wonder what makes Bush so scared to allow this man to be sent to prison and come to turns with his lying and cheating ways. What is Bush afraid will "come out" if he doesn't protect this lying member of the political staff? What exactly is happening in America's government administration? What have they done to tear a country completely in two? Why is it not even about the parties, and more about who likes and dislikes Bush?

I feel sad for America. A country that was built on great leaders and justice and compromise and support has come to this grueling war within it's own borders, based entirely on a presidential leader that doesn't have America or it's citizens in mind. He throws around his weight, but hasn't yet accompished anything in his 7 years in office for which American citizens can be proud. And what can we do? Sit back and wait...for the next election...for a new president to support...and hope that he gives to our country instead of to himself and his clique of close-knit friends (cheats).

I don't claim to understand politics, and I most certainly don't understand Bush and his war cries. But what I do totally get, is that our president just created yet another situation which Americans will be once again put through hell for. And I, as an American living abroad, will most certainly get yet another message from the warden at the embassy warning me that Americans could be terrorized, or to be careful because there is a demonstration against America in progress, or, in other words, to be fearful for being an American.

I am proud to be an American and I am proud of the basis of my country. But Bush, well, he's tearing my country apart. And I don't like him. And I don't like what he's done to (not for) America.

4th of July

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!!

My country tis of thee

Sweet land of liberty

Of thee I sing

Land where my fathers died

Land of the pilgims pride

For every mountainside

Let freedom ring.

America, my birthplace, the land that gave me a childhood and opportunities to be the woman I am today. The land that helped form my opinions and values, gave me mountains and oceans, deserts and plains. The place that I call HOME even though home is too far away. Thank you America! Happy 231st Birthday to the land of the free and the home of the brave. May we wear your colors with pride today as we celebrate the birth of a great country....ours!

Jari's Dream

This morning Jari came bounding downstairs yelling "Mama, I had a dream!" He told me that he dreamed that he came out of my tummy when he was 10 years old and he loved mushrooms and he turned 90 years old and still loved mushrooms.

We sat laughing together on the couch about his silly dream...how could he possibly still fit in mama's tummy if he was 10? And about the mushrooms, well, that is his least favorite food and the face he makes when one comes in contact with his tastebuds is extremely entertaining. When we have mushrooms, which is pretty frequently, he's always required to have just a bite and see if maybe it tastes any better this time!

He also asked if he still has vacation. Having had exactly one day of vacation to date, he's quite intrigued with this idea of not having to get ready for school, watching some cartoons in the morning, and playing games all day long. He asked why Kaeden didn't have vacation, and I said he does. "Well, why is Kaeden at school then, mama?" And when I told him Kaeden had vacation too and was still sleeping, he found that just hilarious. Kaeden can sleep so long???

I wish the weather would be a bit more cooperative so we could get out and enjoy the outdoors now that summer is upon us. But I suppose we'll have to find soem other means of entertainment that won't get us too wet...bowling, movies, museums...

Yippeee! It's vacation! (and not for mama, I might add! :-))

Party Culture

Erwin and I attended an anniversary party Saturday night. As much as he didn't want to go, he ended up enjoying himself...and so did I. It was so much fun to compare the party culture of Holland vs. Belgium. For one, there was no introduction coffee offered. Drinks started off the evening. Then, at 11 pm coffee and cake was offered, followed by sandwiches of slices of bread with bacon and egg on them...cold. And then more drinks followed with chicken legs at about 1. There was lots of dancing and we all laughed as one dancing fool split his crotch, only to be led from the dance floor and return a bit later in a pair of jeans just as groovy as before the "accident". Watching the line dancers was interesting, and seeing the little boy crazy out there on the floor was quite entertaining as well...especially since Jari considers him one of the really cool guys (watching him dance, you'd never guess that!!!). I drank wine...wine, wine, and more wine...and when I stood up to go outside, my world was spinning as fast as Mr. GroovePants on the dance floor. Only I wasn't dancing...just giggling a lot. Erwin suggested I have a coke but I told him the one chance a year I get to spin I was gonna enjoy it. And I did. I spoke to lots of people and one woman's son was an exchange student in Maine. She discussed the schooling differences between America and Belgium. Personally, I am appalled by America's teaching standards after seeing the expectations in both Holland and Belgium. Kids in America just aren't being challenged like they should be. And comparing the knowledge of European children to American children at the same level makes our society pale. What about junior high kids that get 3 hours homework every night? In America we'd have parents complaining that their kid just can't manage to get it done, they shouldn't have to work so hard outside of school, etc etc etc. Here, parents support the schools and engage their children in homework routines and rituals to prepare them for tests that set them up for their lifelong career. In America, I studied maybe 10 days through my entire highschool career and managed to achieve honor roll status every quarter. Even in college, I was not completing as much work as kids here are expected to do. Sometimes I think it's too much...but in America it's beyond a doubt far too little. Kids should be expected to excel, to try to challenge themselves, to do their very best, but they just aren't. It's sad, really.

Anyway, Erwin and I came home to bed and had an 11:00 sleep in!!! It was heaven! The kids stayed with oma and opa and spent a pleasant day at a war musuem. We were thrilled to be kid-free for an entire day...it was a really refreshing change to wake up late, eat a relaxing breakfast, talk about life, play a game together, and still have time to do a bit of cleaning up without ever being interrupted by a fight. But, my heart swelled when my guys came walking through the door later in the afternoon...as much as life is relaxing without them, loving them and hearing "MMMOOOooooooooMMMMMM!" just can't compare!

The Last Day

Today is one of those days. It's a day when your heart pumps a little harder, from excitement but also sadness. It's like one journey is complete but another is awaiting you. You can't help but think back to this journey and remember all the wonders of it, each special moment, all the milestones, but then look ahead to what waits you in the coming segment of your life. I'm feeling torn between two journey's today as my baby steps into his very last day at kleuterschool (kindergarten). Tears keep welling up in my eyes as I think about the boy he has become. 3 years ago I brought him for the very first day to his school, crying and not wanting to let mama go, still in a diaper and just a teensy little person that didn't even reach my waist. Today, as I took him into his classroom for the very last day of his play years in school, I wished him a terrific last day at kleuterschool. His eyes lit up as a little giggle escaped his mouth, and the ensuing smile was evidence that he's happily moving onto a new phase in his life. Each day as I drop him off at school, I watch my five year old bound happily toward his friends on the playground, but he never fails to give me a goodbye kiss and tight hug before he takes off. He no longer needs me to hold his hand and bring him right to the doorway, like he did at the ripe age of 2 1/2. But, he's still my little bug, and still caters to his mama's needs. But what will tomorrow bring? I can't stand to think about him growing even bigger, knowing even more, leaving me behind as he finds his way in this great big world. He's my baby, there's no other child to follow in his footsteps, no more children to wave at me from the kleuterschool playground as I bike away, no more boys to chase me along the fence and climb it to give me one last kiss before I leave. I'm going to miss this journey.

Congratulations my little bug, on a wonderful kleutertijd. I hope that as you move forth onto the grote school, your life will only be enriched with more wonderful things...reading and science, writing stories and doing math tables...and through it all, don't forget that you will always be my little bug, the sweet little boy that held my pinkie as we walked towards your first day at kleuterschool all those years back, who couldn't let go of mama and always, always met me with hugs and kisses at the gate when it was time to pick you up. I'll be here for you still, and for always, as we start the next journey together. XO

Interesting thoughts

Got this from my aunt and it just hit me in a good way...made me think about things that really matter, what's important in life. And I like it, so here's some thinking for you as well.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it
always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog,
but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor,
you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is
when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of
the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they show
how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel
younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than
the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins;
the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a
wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. Think about this....No one ever says
"It's only a game." when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not
everybody has the same size bucket.

17 .Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands
of OLD LADIES (and old men) running around with tattoos?
(And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Lexus RX300 than in a Scion.

19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching
in every joint, you are probably dead.

20. One of the hardest things in life we have to learn
Is which bridges to cross and which ones to burn

Scheveningen

There are times when a woman just needs a break. A break from reality, a break from husband and kids, from cleaning teh kitchen and doing the laundry. Times when a woman needs to be with other women, share stories and tell secrets, laugh at silly jokes and be among the understanding of other women. This past weekend, I had that opportunity. I am refreshed from the experience. And I had a really terrific time.

We headed to Den Hague, which is the government capital of Holland, and entered a quite luxurious hotel complete with glass-enclosed bathroom. Tâlk about shock! We decided then and there that we'd be using the public toilets 7 floors down to do our duty. The glass enclosure left nothing to the imagination and was truly alaughable design. But it did do that...we had plenty of laughs from that special room in our "house". And, after looking at the skyline view from the top floor of the hotel, we decided we'd happily deal with the bathroom issue. The beds were hard, but did my back good. And the breakfast...well, it was the best I have seen in any hotel I've been in. It was a real treat complete with real bacon, pancakes and even maple syrup! YUM!

We took the tram into the center of den Hague where we sat on a terrace for coffee and a light lunch, then visited the old prison which was quite a shocking experience. The tools they used to torture and kill the prisoners in those days was a site to make you cringe. Branding, smashing bones, chopping off heads...ugh! I got a tshirt from there...and when I got home Erwin said ""Wow, you can wear torture!" But it is a true replica of the past, and the visit did make us think hard about religion and the role it plays in society, about the advances (or not?) we have made since those early times. And as always, I absolutely loved being in the midst of such histroey, touching walls from thousands of years past, feeling those 'ghosts'of the past.

We visited the many special areas in the Hague...the Peace Palace which we got to a bit too late to really see (all that walking made for tired legs, bodies, and spirits), but we did have a great look around the Binnenhof where the government officials do their business. We saw the Palace where the Queen sometimes works, and so many statues that just intrigue me. I think that sculpture is my very favorite art form. It's so creative and alive.

We then headed to teh IMAX theater where we saw a film on the African Serengeti which was really marvelous. After seeing the hot air balloons flying over the fields of grass, it made me want to take a trip even more so. We'll see if that time ever comes. I had the most fun watching my friend Sharon's face...she was so expressive throughout the film and gave me a chance to see a bit deeper into her soul. It was nice.

Scheveningen, here we come. We caught the tram from Imax and headed to the beach scene. It made my blood pound with adrenaline. That first glimpse of the sea, so much water it goes to the end of the earth, waves crashing against the shore, lights flashing from the restaurants littering the beach, the pier so strong haging in the water, the sun just a vision behind clouds of red, blue, and yellow, the scent of the sea filling you....it was really beautiful. Though I wasn't rasied as a beach baby, the ocean and the sea brings me peace. I could have stayed sitting there all night long...but we had to have some dinner...so we headed to a Mexican restaurant where we actually got real and good Mexican food. My favorite by far was the refried beans...oh, so yummy! I wish I'd ordered two plates of just beans (but then there may have been problems later with teh whole glass-walled bathroom thing! haha). We managed to catch the last tram back to the hotel before night was upon us. I was ready for sleep...but not just yet...we had birthday candles to blow out and a last look over the city skyline...

Wake up to the beep of the cell phone alarm...3 minutes too early! But other voices too, women with whom I'd shared a day of wonderful excperiences were ready to get on the move...more to see...

We got ready, headed to breakfast, and then checked out of Sir Winston Churchill's hotel. It was as grand as he. We took the car back to Scheveningen beach so we could spend the day there, playing in the sand, putting our feet in the waves, picking up shells and flat, smooth rocks. We shopped, just a little, not too much, and we had drinks on the terrace overlooking the beautifully alive crashing waves. We watched children play soccer on the sand, couples walk hand in hand barefoot, and seagulls come gliding to the earth from out of thin air. And then, we stepped into this sandy world ourselves. I took the shoes off my feet and dug my toes into the wet coolness of this other world. I stooped to collect some sheels...blacks and white stripes, blue and brown, white...and then I headed for the water. After the first rush of cold tingles slipped through my body, I was at peace. The sounds of the waves crashing onto the shore took away all the other sounds around me and I was one with nature. It filled me completely...adn it was a perfect end to a perfect girl's weekend away. A break from reality, a break with women and friends, and it was simply wonderful!

Tagged

Okay, got this tag from my friend Amanda over at What About Your Hips... (http://whataboutyourhips.blogspot.com/)

She's on a weight loss journey and doing SO terrific!!! I am so proud of her and she has lots of ways to give you motivation and think about what life really is all about...the REALITY of life and learning to be HAPPY! Way to go AJ!!! And now, onto the fun stuff...

Instructions:Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place.Then add your blog to the bottom slot...like so...

1. Sandie Bee
2. Diet Coke Rocks
3. Wanna.b.slim
4. What about your hips...
5. This is my REALITY (www.tank95.blogspot.com)

AND NOW FOR THE QUESTIONS:

What were you doing ten years ago?
Ten years ago I was a single mom going to school to get my teaching degree and living in Casper, Wyoming. I worked weekends in Laramie helping my mom at her store so she'd have time to enjoy her grandson when we came back "home". We were on the road a lot, and that was perfectly fine with me. I was an A+ student with a 4.0 GPA (that changed once I met my husband online a couple years later!). I took pride in having my little family and spent a lot of time with my best friend Tammy letting our kids play. We lived across from each other in an apartment building and often left the doors open and ran between the two places. It was a busy time, but really self-fulfiling.

Five snacks You Enjoy:

1. Ice cream cone (man, I've been craving one for days now)
2. Fresh fruit...mainly berries, bananas, melon, pineapple, aw, you get the idea
3. cereal, eaten in handfuls from the box
4. yogurt
5. Whatever's left over from dinner in the fridge

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
Hmmm, I am so terrible at song names and artists. I can sing along to most of the 80's music, but ask me to sing it all to you without the music and I can't even begin. Probably the 5 songs I sing most often are:
1. As I Lay Me Down To Sleep
2. Slaap Kindje Slaap
3. All The Pretty Little Horses
4. The Dinosaur Songs
5. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

and now you know when I sing the most of all!!!

Five things you would do if you were a Millionaire:
1. Pay off my house
2. Pay off my student loan
3. Go on a trip around the world
4. Build a house in Wyoming
5. Put the rest away for a rainy day

Five Bad Habits:
1. Sitting on the computer too much
2. Biting my nails
3. Leaving laundry sitting around in piles
4. Eating when I'm not hungry out of boredom
5. Flying off the handle over nothing

Five Things You Like Doing:
1. Travel
2. Cooking
3. Going to walk in the woods
4. Reading
5. Writing

Five Things You'll Never Wear Again:
Hmm, dunno, this one's tough. But how about 5 pieces of very sentimental jewelry that got lost during the mess of my wedding day. I SO regret this...my engagement ring, a special ring from my mom, the first jewelry Erwin bought me, my friendship ring shared with Erwin, and all those other little favorites. I think it all got thrown away, but I just dunno...never to be worn again, in any cae :-(

Five Favourite "toys":
1. My computer
2. My thousands of containers filled with craft stuff
3. My camera
4. My baking supplies
5. My kids

I'm not gonna tag anyone, cuz I'm not too good at leaving comments on blogs I read so mostly the writers don't know me!!!! But if anyone wants to join in the fun, go for it!!

Locked Out

Last night was my last choir practice of the season...but we didn't sing. We took a 25km bike ride through forests I have never gone to discover on my own, then stopped for drinks at a cafe...and after debating for the whole day about whether I was gonna go or not, I had a complete and total blast!!! We traded off riding in pairs and I talked to some of the members I have never done any more than smile at. I had a Leffe (my fave beer) and shared lots of laughter with the sopranos. And in a comment that I mentioned how much I love raspberries, I was promised a container filled with them fresh picked from the garden...and this morning, I got them!!! Yum! But, once I got home, excited to tell my husband about my adventures (and about the preschool teacher drinking a bit too much and riding in the ditch filled with mud and water) I couldn't get in my house. It was locked up solid, and dark, and I didn't have my keys (reminding Erwin to leave the back door unlocked does no good when a kiddo locks it anyway). So, there i am, feeling energetic and frisky, with thoughts of sleeping in the yard flowing through my brain. I threw rocks at windows, I screamed for help, I pounded on wndows and rattled doors, but noone came to my rescue. I was stranded. Finally, resigning myself to the fact that I'd just have to wait til Er woke up, I went to get a drink from teh fridge...one last beer to end the night. And then, I hear the rattle of keys adn the door springs open. I was in luck...some of my noise must have alerted the corners of my husband's brain!

We stayed up talking til 2 and finally hit the sack. It was a great night and made me realize I need to get out biking more. I totally love doing it, I feel strong and powerful, and I sweat which gives me a feeling of accomplishing something, and there's so much unchartered territory to discover. And then, when I looked for my keys this afternoon, I found them outside...hahaha...where Jari left them. If only I had known then what I know now...

My Dad

I finally got to talk to my dad and wish him a Happy Birthday and Happy Father's Day (yeah, they were the same day this year). I always enjoy talking to my dad because I don't get the chance to do it often enough. He's always working when I'm up and about, so it was nice to catch him for his quick hello before he headed off to the woods. My dad is a logger and has been since before my birth. We lived in the woods when I was a child and I grew up knowing the woods as my home. It was a childhood filled with nature and pinecone friends and fallen log horses, watching beavers build their dens and roasting marshmallows over an open fire. It was a paradise for a child, and I had freedom offered to me at my doorstep. I was among the elk and deer, swimming in the lakes with cow pies and covered in dirt at the end of each day. My dad now enjoys sharing his love of nature with my children, my husband, and me again, whenever the opportunity arises. We no longer sleep in a tent, but he's moved up to a camper, and we no longer walk to bring dad his lunch and call out timber watching him fall trees, but we ride on his forwarder or skidder or four wheelers, all of which bring my children a complete thrill. He's a very busy man, but admits freely he couldn't survive without the stress his life offers him. He's gone from working for a lumber company, to being a small-business operator with large company customers. I am so proud of all he has accomplished, and in turn, been able to offer me and my family. For his special day, I wrote him this poem. This says it all, about what he has given me, and what living in his world means. Happy Birthday Dad, and Happy Father's Day, too. You truly are a one of a kind father.

How Far To The Mountain, Daddy?
Dedicated to my dad on June 17th, 2007

How far to the mountain daddy?
How far can it be?
It looks so far looming over us
But it’s really not you see.
For that mountain and the trees and elk
They are a part of you.
They’ll never leave your heart or thoughts
No matter where you go or what you do.
Every time you smell the pine
The life of those trees out there
You’ll have a little tug at your heart
Because this is the life that we share.
And every time you see clear blue skies
Home will call out to your memories
Those long days playing in our woods
Branches rustling in the breeze.
And every time you hear the stillness
Of this great big wilderness
A peace will envelop you
And you’ll feel no more stress.
And every time an elk or deer
Wanders past you, a glimpse through the trees
You’ll think of that moment just before dark
A beauty so freeing, you’ll be at ease.
And every time you come across a stream
You’ll want to have a look
At the trout waving from the water
Whether or not you’ve got your pole and hook.
And stepping through berries in the woods
Can’t wait to have a taste
Fresh from nature, oh so good
And no need to watch your waist.
So these mountains looming over us
They aren’t so far at all you see
For these mountains are so big and grand
And they’ve formed the woman you’ve turned out to be.
They bring you peace and comfort
And wonderful memories
Pieces of the life you’ve led
From summers warmth to winter’s freeze.
And because I am your daddy
And pass through here every day
I get to chase these memories
Like butterflies at play.
So, how far to the mountain, daddy?
How far can it be?
Just look into your heart and life
And the answer is plain to see.

To My ‘Daddy’, the man that brings nature alive, and keeps a special place in my heart open to all those memories. How far to the mountain, daddy? How far can it be? My heart promises me that it’s very close, wouldn’t you agree? And since the mountain is so close, and I know that’s where you are, I know you are so very close too, in my heart you’re never far. Happy Birthday Dear Dad! Happy Father’s Day To A True Man of the Mountains! And the best daddy any little girl could hope to learn from, and as for dad’s go? Well, you’ve reached the very top, way up there where trees can no longer grow! I love you...thanks for being mine! Love, Tera Michele

What it means to be a Mama

What a day. I picked Jari up from school at lunch with plans to head to the hospital for the following procedure on his foot. But, when I picked him up, I noticed he looked, well, white as a sheet, you might say. We got home and he asked me to carry him to the couch. He told me he was freezing and I wrapped a blankie around him, returned to get him a drink, and came back to a soundly sleeping baby. He woke to puke and use the toilet, his skin burning with fever. He fell immediately back to sleep after taking tylenol, something he just won't do...unless...you guessed it, he is really sick. I called the docotr to reschedule the appointment, nervous because this is a serious affair that we were going to miss. They scheduled me for late next week, until I grumbled enough about needing to get in this week, and somehow they found an opening for Friday. Okay, good...but it's at the same time Kaeden's bus gets home...what is a mama to do? I kept the appointment; Kaeden will have to wait for us in the yard, and I can worry he won't stay there until I am home again to find him safe and sound where he should be.

Jari slept until 4:30 feeling a bit perkier. Kaeden got home and we ran to get money for his doctor appointment...which I had planned to do after Jari's, but helaas pindakaas. So, we get to Kaeden's appointment just in time. Doc tells me about the test results of his bladder, everything looks okay, but he's just unable to relax enough to urinate and we need to try ot keep him on the toilet longer; maybe give him a book to read. He does an ultrasound on Kaeden's intestines...they are once again nearly completely blocked. He writes a prescription for an enema and fiber. Once again. Then I tell him about the pain he's having on his heel, and how he can sometimes barely walk. He checks it out and tells me he's got Sever disease. Huh? Yep, many kids in adolescence have it...the Achilles-tendon stretches from the bone due to a growth spurt, and causes tiny fractures in the heel. Not much you can do but apply anti-inflamatory medication and use a special rubber sole. He wrote the prescription, and assured me it would be worth getting to limit the pain which he'll most likely have until after his adolescent growth period. Great!!!! Next I asked about his constant sniffling. He gets out his allergy testing kit, pricks Kaeden with different solutions, sets the timer for five minutes, and we all look at his skin. Within seconds, a bump appears...and not the test bump. The bump comes from grasses, different kinds of prairie grasses. He's allergic to grass. Great! Another prescription...May to July every year. And then, as the doc is writing the prescriptions for his regular meds, Jari asks me to hold him. I feel his cheek...hot. He asks if we can go home and he can lay down. Yep, the tylenol has worn off...

It's a day in the life of a mama...and know what? I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Shifty

I'm feeling so, well, shifty might be a good word. Is that a word? I dunno, but that's how I'm feeling. Like one minute everything is terrific, the next I'm stressed to the max, the next I am sad and lonely, the following I feel like I'm on top of the world. I don't know where it's all coming from, but I know part of it has to do with sleep. I'm not getting enough, no matter what time I get to bed. A conversation at our house last night:

Me: I'm so tired. (at 7:45pm)
Er: How can you be tired? You went to bed at 10 last night.
Me: Yeah, I was so tired after I tucked the kids in I just went into bed to lay down and then fell asleep immediately...at 10:20.
Er: Yeah, so you got 9 hours.
Me: No, I fell asleep at 10:20, you came in at 12:30 and I woke up, Jari came in at 3 and I woke up, I got up to pee once, and I woke up a couple other times in between, the alarm went off at 6:30 and I woke up twice to snooze until I finally got up. So, I didn't sleep well.
Me: So, I think I'll put the kids to bed and then do you want to watch a movie? What's on anyway? If there's something on I won't go to choir tonight.
Er: (looking up the tv guide) Well, there's Dumb and Dumberer
Me: Do you want to see that?
Er: Well, Dumb and Dumber was pretty funny.
Me: Okay, then I'm gonna go put the kids to bed.
Er: Okay.
Me: (coming back downstairs at 9:15, kids still not asleep, but left on their own) Okay, they aren't asleep, but they'll fall asleep soon.
Er: (playing a computer game)
Me: Are you gonna watch this?
Er: Yeah, but it's already half over.
Me: Yeah, but I had to get the kids tucked in. (going to kitchen to get drinks)
We start to watch the movie. 10 minutes later Jari opens the door. I head back up to settle him in bed again. I come back down, return my attention the movie, and fall asleep on the couch. Er wakes me at 12ish to head to bed. And the night begins again.

Things here are so up in the air since we decided to send Kaeden to America this summer. I am really nervous about it, but also trying to make it seem like a huge deal for him...which he is getting, cuz he can't stop talking about it, or what he's going to bring back for us, or what he's going to do while he's there, or where he's going to go while he's there...but for me, it's just making the pit of my stomach feel tight and achy. I need to get all the details settled so I can plan my summer. I feel distracted about it all. I need to know what the plan is. Are we (the three of us) going on vacation? Is Kaeden going to be here to head to England with us? Am I going to see my mom? Can I get flights with her coordinated so Kaeden doesn't have to fly alone? I really need some information from my mom and then get everything settled, so i can concentrate on feeling excited with Kaeden. Do I tell the airlines he's autistic? Will they let him on alone then? He's a great traveler, but will he remember to take his meds which he really needs to stay focused, which will be incredibly important during a trip such as this, with your body running on zero sleep and an entire day of your life missed? Can I trust the airlines to take care of my baby? I have to pay a great deal of money for the unaccompanied minor service, but will they do their job satisfactory? I keep thinking how great he always is on trips, and how well he knows everything, but still, he can't read...what happens when he has to fill out the forms for US entry? What happens if his plane is delayed? What happens if the staff don't get him to his connection? What happens if my parents are late to teh airport meeting place to pick him up (like they always are!!! Though I should hope in this instance, they'd make sure to be on time!!!)? And most of all, how am I going to get through five weeks of missing my little boy? I dunno, maybe this wasn't such a good idea afterall...I mean, Kaeden is happy, gramma and grampa are thrilled, but mama, those 2 postcards he promised me just aren't going to give me a goodnight kiss and hug, they aren't going to wrap their arms around me and tell me they love me, they aren't going to be Kaeden...and having him gone is going to be a bit like a gaping hole in the middle of my heart.

A List of Little Things

• Yesterday I had my appointment with the consulate in Antwerpen for my Dutch citizenship. He praised me on my Dutch speaking abilities, which made me feel very proud and hopeful that I truly deserve to become a Dutch citizen. I will be awaiting a letter from the queen and then the citizenhip ceremong in a year's time. I will then be officially Dutch! Wow! I just hope it all goes through.
• While in Antwerpen, I noticed a bar called 'Daddy's Home'. It has a dual meaning and I couldn't stop singing"Daddy's Home" in my head all day.
• While in Antwerpen I noticed so many different people. I saw a Jewish family, muslims, asians, blacks, whites, beards, balds, curls, tall, short, in a wheelchair, on crutches, and the everyday Joe. It amazes me that in a 1 1/2 hour drive, the culture of the land is so very different from my own community. I like being among all the differences. It makes me feel a bit more like I fit in.
• Jari's last doctor visit made me cry. His skin is dying rather than growing back healthy on his ankle where he had the bike accident. The doctor scraped away all the dead skin in hopes of regenerating new growth. I hated seeing my baby in so much pain. We have another appointment next week which I am NOT looking forward to. I just hope this process works, or we're looking at a possible skin graft. OH MY GOD!
• Kaeden had a tantrum in the middle of the city yesterday. He screamed out curse words so loud that literally everyone on the street stopped, turned, and stared. It was a moment where I wished the sidewalk would swallow me whole. After a disastrous afternoon with our two naughty boys, we came home early and sent them immediately to bed without tucking them in. Erwin and I had a very long night together and it was very strange, but peaceful.
• We picked up the papers for the insurance company for our new car. We should be getting it this weekend. But when we saw the car, some of the damages that were supposed to be done, were still not fixed. Erwin and I talked about the culture of the Limburg people, how very laid-back they are. It would be so easy to get mad and rant and rave, but that's just how it is here and you've got to learn to roll with the flow. It does make me have doubts, though. I'll just happy once the car is totally ready and in our possession.
• I asked my parents if they would like to have Kaeden come visit them this summer. My mom sounded very excited about the idea. When I asked Kaed, he was worried about getting there, but told me the entire process of how it works with unaccompanied minors. Who says travel isn't good education? 'He knows it all, and not from first-hand experience as this will be his first ever trip alone, if we end up sending him. He was given the choice of going to England, to summer camp, and on vacation with us, or to America with gramma and grampa, and he chose America. It will be very hard for me to send him off on his own, but our entire family could use a little break, and I think it will be good for all of us.
• Jari is very interested in the processierupsen. But, he is adorable, because he calls them princessenrupsen. And that they live in the eikelbomen. (In English, instead of saying procession caterpillar, he calls them princess caterpillars. And instead of oak trees, he calls them eikel trees which basically translated means dufus, which is very representative considering all the hairy caterpillars they have covering their branches.
• And so, that's life from here today. This weekend we're attending Kaeden's school end-of-year party and going to the air show open day which is always great fun to see.

Processierups

Remember those summer days carrying around a plastic container with a lid so you could go off in search of caterpillars that you'd collect to see if they'd turn into beautiful butterflies? I do. I was always in search of those scientific experiments, whether it be ants, creepy crawlies, or catepillars. My mom never threw away plastic containers knowing they'd come in use for "something". There have been many a day when my boys come asking me for a container for spiders they've found, or worms, or beetles. And I've always happily obliged, emptying out my cupboard of yet another lidded container. But, my boys cannot collect caterpillars and watch them grow into beautiful butterflies. Caterpillars are dangerous, and I remember the first time I was out walking with Erwin and went to collect one and show the boys, how he reprimanded me for even thinking to pick one up. Huh? It's just a caterpillar, I thought. However, I have since learned about caterpillars in this part of the world, and I now know that they aren't something to be played with. At this moment in time, Limburg has inducted 24 military personnel to help aid in the depletion of the dangerous processierups (procession caterpillar?). There is such an outbreak that people are getting sick and I can't tell you how many complaints I've heard from people naming these caterpillars as the villains. What is the processierups? Well, it's a caterpillar that has long hairs that contain some type of acid which, carried through the wind, comes in contact with the skin, and causes swelling, itching, red eyes, and rashes. The hairs actually burn the skin, and while not everyone is susceptible to their dangers, I have recently come under their attack. Ouch! I keep scratching away, but can't seem to relieve myself of the processierups hairs. You can't see them, but wow, can you feel them!!!

So, I hope the firemen, airplanes flying with poisons, military personnel, and helicopters all conquer this little creature. As cute and memorable as my caterpillar days are, I wouldn't mind never seeing another.

Hospital Visit & Orange Belt

Life sure tends to keep us entertained. Sometimes not in the happiest ways possible. Last night, we ended up in the emergency room yet again. Jari and I were biking home after having a fun afternoon shopping for birthday gifts together (he's got a party to attend this afternoon...or not?). We stopped off to get bread and as we started home again, Jari's foot stuck between the spokes on my bike. He was screaming in pain and I panicked as I looked at his swollen mass of foot all bloody and bruised with skin hanging open. I walked the bike the rest of the way home and settled my screaming boy on the couch. I called my friend Sharon to come and take us to the ER and then called Erwin to tell him what was happening. Sharon got here just as Kaeden did, so it worked out well and we headed to the hospital. They took x-rays (twice) but can't quite determine if there is a break. They think it's just badly sprained and has a lot of wound abrasions. He can't walk, and we're not to force it, but return back to the doctor on Tuesday for a follow-up. If he's still having trouble, they'll look into a break again. I feel miserably guilty. Yes, he was in his child seat, yes it has footholders, but no, I didn't strap him in...and no, a few months back he broke off my foot protectors that cover the spokes and we haven't replaced them. Lessons learned....always too late. I just hope he's okay...and that he can walk again soon. Carrying him to school and the to the activity this morning, I realized how heavy he's getting!!!

In other, more positive news, Kaeden took his Judo test and passed!!!! I am so proud of him. He's now an orange belt and he's pretty happy with himself. I'm hoping to have some kind of treat to celebrate his success tonight. Way to go, kiddo!

She Doesn't Know Much

After picking Jari up from school, we stopped for groceries at our neighborhood shop. I needed just a few things, including lunch meat from the deli. We headed to the deli case where the butcher shop is housed and I requested 100 grams pork roast. "What?" asked the girl behind the counter, a new employee I haven't seen before. "Pork roast, 100 grams." She looked all through the meats until I pointed out which was the pork roast, then she asked again "How much?" Next I asked for 100 grams roast beef. She picked up the mustard filled bacon. "No, roast beef, that one" I said again, pointing it out to her. "How much?" she asked. At this point Jari said to me, "Mama, she doesn't know very much, does she?" I went on to explain to him that she's a new employee and probably doesn't know where everything is at, and that she probably was having a bit of trouble understanding mama's accent as well, unlike the regulars in the store. I watched her measure the sliced beef as she began to take a few slices off, it being over 100 grams. "That's okay. Just leave it. May I also have 100 grams liverwurst sliced?" I asked, hoping she'd understand my last request. She started to pull out the huge dish of pate instead of the block to make slices. "No, the blokpate," I said a bit louder, as if that might help her to understand my foreign accent a bit better. Jari looked at me and laughed, quite interested in this exchange we were having. As she was slicing the correct meat, Jari looked at me with his big blue eyes...his eyes told me the entire story. He thought this was just hilarious. "She's a new employee, and she better learn what she's doing better, huh mom?" he asked. "She'll learn," I told him, hoping she'd understand me helping her out. Then, as she turned around to weigh my meat, he went on to say, "But, she's also pretty fat." "Jari, that's not nice, we don't say things like that about people." I reprimanded him in English. "Yeah, but she is fat mom. I'm not lying." he continued in his perfect Vlaams dialect that she couldn't help but comprehend. She handed me my package of meat with red cheeks. "Thank you," I told her, looking right into her eyes hoping she'd see the 'sorry'. "You'll get to know my accent better soon." As we were walking away, Jari said "She can't do very good. I think you could do better than her, mama. And she is fat!" I'm glad my son has faith in me, but I wish he'd learn to quit being so honest!

Ik Heb Honger!!

This is something I hear with extreme regularity throughout every day of my life. "Mom, ik heb honger!!!" (meaning, mom, I'm hungry!) Last night, as I was trying to decide what to do about dinner Jari came to me with his usual "Ik heb honger!" But instead of leaving it at that, he added "Mag ik een driehoekje boterham met kaas daarin?" (May I have a triangle sandwich with cheese in it?) "You mean a grilled cheese?" I asked him. "Yeah, a grilled cheese. YUM!" At which point my stomach started rumbling as his suggestion took over my taste buds. Yum, indeed! Erwin heard our conversation as he passed by and with a grimmace on his face and a "Bleech" from his mouth, I decided grilled cheese is what we'd have...I love to tease my husband that way! Kaeden was also thrilled with teh suggestion as long as he could have"tomatoes on his cuz "you know that tomatoes are my very favorite on a sandwich, huh mom?" So, I sent the kids to the bread machine (yes, in Belgium we have bread machines just like a snack machine and I can't tell you how many times I have used it!) to get white bread, because I like my grilled cheese best on white and normally all we eat is wheat. When they got home, everythign was ready to make delicious melty cheese sandwiches...and boy, were they yummy! Erwin doesn't know what he's missing out on...he only chomped away on grilled roast beef and bacon ...not too shabby, I suppose! But next time I hear "Ik heb honger" I'm thinking I'm gonna be craving another grilled cheese...cuz I like cheese like that, you know!

A "New" Car

We've been searching for a "new" car for the past few months, since we were told Sunny was coming to the end of her life. With too many miles and too many problems, we decided not to put any more money into her, though she's been a great first family car for us. We've been happy with our Sunny and I'm finding it hard to say goodbye. She's become comfy, she's been safe, trusty, and I know just what all her glitches are. But at 13 years old, she's ready to retire to the sunny roads of Africa...yep, that's where she's headed...on an African adventure.

We found another Nissan...a well-made car without all the newest electronic technology that eats away at the pocketbook, yet still a step up from our current lil Sunny. It's got LOTS more room in the backseat for our growing boys and mama if need be (in fighting instances, you know!). And it's a station wagon, so the room for luggage is plenty spacious, and if not, there are luggage racks on the roof for a ski box. It's got a boordcomputer (what's that in English???) and tells us our mileage, etc, and it's got airco to take the place of our well-used sunroof (we'll miss that). It's nothing fancy, but it's what we've been looking for. It's a pretty blue (I didn't want silver or black...too many to search thru in the parking lot) and a diesel to save on gas costs...good since Erwin drives lots of work miles during the week. And, it seems like a good compromise for the price, considering it doesn't have the versatility of changeable seats which I really was excited about.

We went for a test drive last night and called to make an offer this morning. The dealer isn't willing to budge on the price, but he is going to sell Sunny for us from his lot...as I said, she's off to Africa, where many used cars from here go when they're pretty much beyond Belgian standards. I hope her new family will love her as we did, and proved to her in each stain on the seats, spilled bottles of fabric softener in the trunk, lots of Jari puke from his bouts with travel sickness, and an entire melted chocolate bunny that never quite came out during our Easter vacation. I remember the day we got our Sunny like it was yesterday...I was in labor with Jari, and we took her for a spin around town. I took pictures of my husband standing before his first ever very own automobile in the parking lot of the supermarket, just as he was awaiting his first birthing experience. His life was changed overnight. Our family has spent numerous kilometers playing games in our car; who can find the first cow, I spy with my little eye, There's an A, there's a B, singing numerous lullabies, and watching for twinkling stars from gramma from the roof. We've chased after hot air balloons, seen much of Europe, and been stressed to the max by too many fights. We've argued and used the window to throw out maps of our vacation address, we've sung champion soccer songs heading to a soccer match, we've crashed her into a kid biking that wasn't following traffic rules. She taught us about many stupid Belgian laws trying to import her from Holland, and she brought us home daily, waiting for us in her place next to the house. She's been a good friend.

But now, it's time to say goodbye. Next week Primera is coming home with us. I hope she will be as good to our family as Sunny has been. I hope she will keep us safe, give us many memorable road trips, and be willing to explore on adventures all over Europe. Our family has grown up since Sunny came into our lives...Primera is going to take us the next little distance.

Boys

We were busy this weekend. It was a really great family weekend and we had a really good time as a family. The fighting was at bay and there were lots of games and playing that gave me hope that our family was okay. I was relaxed and calm and had fun being a mom. Erwin and I joked with each other and I had fun being a wife. And the interactions between all of us were just what the doctor ordered to make me feel a bit more secure with this life I lead. It was the weekend I needed to give me that recharge and strength to go on.

I picked my son up and carried him during one of our jaunts this weekend. He pulled my face to his and asked for nose kisses, cheek kisses, and chin kisses. I obliged. As we walked, he stroked my hair, time and time again. As I set him back down after making our way through the crowds he gave me a last kiss and whispered in my ear: I love you, mama...before he was gone, running to explore the world.

As I tucked my son into bed, he asked me to please lay with him. As I snuggled tight against the warmth of his body, he looked at me with his hazel-y eyes and told me: Mom, I have a secret to tell you. Do you know how much I love you? No, I answered. How much? Well, you have to guess. More than all the stars in the sky? Nope. More than this much (stretching my arms wide)? Nope. Hmmm, more than, more than I love you? Nope. Cuz you love me the very best and you're my best friend and I love you a million, 3 trillion, miljaard, hundred thousand euros! And I love Papa that much too, cuz he's the best Papa in the world and you're the best mama I ever had. And with a big kiss he turned to spoon into my body again and demand that I rub his hair. I obliged.

My boys, though sometimes demonic, still possess a sweetness that brings me to my knees. And it's for moments like these that I go on, holding out for their love, for their giving, caring, wholesomeness, and hope beyond hope that I am giving them what they need to nurture their sweetness. For they nurture mine, as was apparent in this wonderful family weekend.

Tera Needs

Here's something I found on a pretty fun blog over at http://blogs.chron.com/mamadrama/ Thought I'd try it and here's what I got. Just do a Google search for ("Your name" needs ) and see what it is you're needing in your life. Kinda fun for a Friday morning! :-)

TERA

needs donations from the public. No amount is too small, and all currencies are welcome.
needs donations to support women
needs to get out
Needs You!
a few good volunteers!
more women
needs to visually shut down
needs a creative push

And on Alta Vista I need:
to go below target weight we had set.
to connect, not only to a large number
advice!
to get out
defending
to get on stage
to have the power

When Things Go Wrong

as they sometimes will, and the road you battle seems all uphill...

Yeah, don't quit. Sometimes being a parent I feel like such a failure and just want to quit. But I can't. I carried these children in my womb, I gave them life, and I now have to raise them to adulthood. But it sure ain't easy. At this point in time, I wan't to quit. I am so sick of the constant fighting, the whining, the meanstreaks, being disrespected, and called names I wouldn't consider letting pass my lips. I just feel like I'm doing it all wrong, and my kids are turning out to be nasty little hooligans. I just feel helpless and hopeless and don't know what to do. I really can't stand my kids lately. I never expected to have such mean brats...and that's exactly what they are.

So, how do I turn them around? How do I begin setting them up to be good citizens? How can I teach them right from wrong? When Kaeden was a baby, I refused to spank. I still don't like it and think it sends a wrong message, and I don't like what it does to my kdis, how they back away in fear from me. But sometimes, it makes an impact and it's the only time they look at me with as someone to be looked up to. How can I get that same result without using spanking as the medium?

Jari has always been a stubborn, but great kid. Lately, he is the meanest, snottiest little brat that lives on the planet. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, as I know he's elarning a lot from his big brother, and sometimes I worry that living with autism is wreaking havok on his little brain....I know it does on his body. But at the same time, that's the way it is darn it all, you have to live with this and you have to get beyond it. Don't treat me in the exact manner you yourself hate to be treated. At five years old, you treat me as I would expect (hmm, this sounds terrible) a teenager to rebel against his parents. I'm so sick of fighting with him.

Kaeden and his nasty mouth has gotten the best of me. I can't believe some of the words he uses that I just accept as normal. How many 12-year-olds are there in the world that would get away with calling their mother a fat whore? Or a big bitch...something along the lines of "Fuck you, you big bitch. You are such a fat whore." as he runs to his room, for something like, oh, being asked to pick up his wet towel and put it in the bathroom. And his strength scares me. I am fearful that he is going to really hurt someone sometime...and I would never forgive myself if that happened to be his little brother, whom is on the receiving end of the majority of his brute force.

Erwin and I are constantly at odds over parenting, but neither of us is doing the right thing. Both of us knows what we're doing is not working, but we just don't know how to change it. We don't know how to deal with the crisis that is part of life everyday in our home. We don't know how to parent an autistic child and his little brother that copies his every move. And I get so angry at Erwin when he stoops to their level, treating them as he is being treated, disrespectfully and flat out mean. Yet, why shouldn't he? Why should he be thrown all that brattiness his way and be expected to react any differently? I just don't know. And that's such a huge problem.

At the moment, I am hating being a parent. I wish I had never signed on to this life-long contract. But I did. When I chose to give these children life, I chose to do my very best to rear them to become men, men that are happy, healthy, and secure. But they forgot to give me the manual when I signed on that dotted line, and still there's no turning back. I am stuck being their mom, and I only hope that there comes a day again soon when their kisses, laughter, and funny comments can make me see that I made a good choice, and put their bratty, mean, snotty ways into the background of my life. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I flip out.

Wedding

This afternoon, Kaeden put on the video of our wedding. As I ironed my husband's shirts, I looked back at the memorable day that set us out on our married life. It was such a beautiful wedding, such a beautiful day, and it was as close to perfection as we could have gotten. I watched as the emotions ran high when it was my turn to say my vows, as tears fell down my cheeks. I watched as my baby played in the sand and then cried for milk the entire ceremony. I watched as my son released butterflies into the sky, and one wouldn't leave his hand. I watched as Jari went running behind the rocks and my mom went to collect him. I watched as my dad wiped tears from his eyes as Daddy's girl was sung by my godmother and good friend. I watched as my grandparents sat next to each other on some blocks of wood, and as my brothers and their families sat scattered among the rocks. I watched as my father-in-law sang Ave Maria, and as my mother-in-law wiped at her eyes with a handkerchief pulled from her bra. I watched as my sister-in-law handed over our rings to my husband...the wrong ones! I watched all of this, and remembered...remembered all the reasons I chose to marry my wonderful husband. In the daily chore of life, those special things about that person you love, your mate in life, is forgotten or set aside, but when you sit and think about who you chose to be your partner in life, all that wonder comes flowing through your veins again, as powerful and mind-boggling as that first kiss you shared.

I am so happy I married my husband. He supports me, he loves me, he gives, and he loves my children more than any other man I know could have. He is my ideal man. And as I watched those visions of our marriage day, I am happy that in the ups and downs we've experienced since that day, my love for him has never faltered, but grown more and become stronger. Mr. and Mrs. Erwin ......, voor altijd...en een dag! Ik hou van jou! ;-)

Consulate

After weeks of trying to reach the consulate in Antwerpen, Erwin finally got through...and now the date is set! June 13 we head on over to turn me into a Dutchie!!! I am feeling extremely nervous about all of this, now that the time is finally here. All my paperwork is in order, but what kind of test is he going to give me? Will my Dutch be good enough to pass as a citizen? Am I going to have to sing the national Wilhelmus anthem? Am I going to have to know all about the Dutch goverment and royal family? Will I understand his Dutch well enough to understand his questions? My stomach is fluttering with butterflies at the prospect of handing over 400 euro with my integrity on the line.

I am so excited at the prospect of becoming a dual-citizen. Being able to keep my American passport as well as have my Dutch one will give me a great peace of mind. I will have all the rights as a Dutch citizen, since I will be a Dutch citizen! Doesn't that sound terrific? I think it does. And if anything should happen to my husband, I will have the security of knowing I am welcome in Europe...anyplace in Europe will be mine for the taking. I will be able to collect a pension, I will be able to vote, I will be able to cross borders as a European without waiting in the non-EU line!! My home will be completely mine without needing to pay higher taxes. I will be completely integrated into this life I have created for myself here in Europe. It's exciting stuff, I tell ya!

So, off to read some more news and get myself conditioned for any questions that might come my way. I just hope that I am able to pass with flying colors...God knows I've had to do plenty of flying these past 7 years!!! Now comes the real test...none of that 24 hour flight stuff...this is a life-long flight, and one I fully expect to conquer. Wish me luck...I'm gonna need it!

First Communion

Sunday was Mother's Day. It was a very special Mother's Day as it was also the day Kaeden celebrated his first communion. And he was in a complete state of happiness the entire day, his eyes were shining and I enjoyed just watching him rejoice in his special day.

We went to his school after all of us dressing in our Sunday best. We dropped Kaeden off with his teacher and then headed to the gym where the ceremony was to be held. We were met by his godparents and oma and opa, who sat further back while we took our reserved parent seats...the perfect place to see our son receive the body of Christ, the perfect place to watch him climb on stage and sing his song, the perfect place to watch him dance along with the other children.

The theme of his communion was the most beautiful fish in the sea. This sea of little children, this sea of varied hadicaps brought tears to my eyes as I watched. All these little people God put here on earth, with some purpose in mind, and as I sat and looked around me, I was overtaken by emotion. In the gym were 500 onlookers for 22 children...each of those people has been positively enhanced by the handicap of the child they love, and as we all laughed together at the funny things the children said, we all clapped when they finished their part, we all prayed together, giving thanks to the Lord for his blessing of these little people in our lives. I saw parents crying as their child received the body of Christ, and some, like me, got a bit giggly with emotion even as tears created a glaze over my eyes. It was special, and I am glad I was able to take that peace home with me. And that understanding. An understanding of the importance of special children, and those that love our special children.

We came home to celebrate. kaeden poured his glass of kiddie wine, lit the candles on his cake, and waited patiently for us to sing to him. He opened his gifts and was extremely happy with each that he received. He didn't dare hope for a better day than what he had, because it truly was perfect...a small affair, with special people and fun gifts, a smorgasbord of delicious food, and sunshine that spettered down from between the rain clouds. God was with us.

Mother's Day. The gift I received in seeing that complete happiness flowing from my son was more wonderful than any other gift I could have received. I did get a terracotta lamp handpainted by my boys and husband, a plastic bag holder handpainted by Jari, and a whole bunch of yummy chocolates handmade by Kaeden. I see a theme here...handmade, handpainted...my favorite gifts of all. Mother's Day. A day to celebrate me, but where would I be if it weren't for the goodness of the Lord putting my special little boys in my life, my heart, and my home? I think that in the end, God gave me the very best gift of all. And for that, I give Him thanks.

Kaeden and Friends

Today I had another one of those autistic mom moments that sort of break your heart. As I dropped Jari off at a friend's house to play, and stayed for an hour drinking coffee and talking, Kaeden joined in the fun with the other 5 little boys in the house. Kaeden doesn't have friends, but considers anyone he plays with at whateevr moment his best friend. As I finished my coffee and got my coat on to leave, I called Kaeden away to come with me. He left without any problem, but was very sulky when we got home. I asked him what the trouble was, and with tears in his eyes, he told me he just wanted to play with the other kids. He wondered why he couldn't stay and play with his "best friends" and why he could never have friends come to play here. I told him that he couldn't just stay if he wasn't invited, and wished for once he would also be invited along. But the fact of the matter is that the kids Jari play with have big brothers, but they are all still much younger than Kaeden in years, if not in mental age. And they are not his true friends, as much as he considers them so from the moments he plays with them during soccer practices and games. And as much as I would love to see my house bursting at the seams with preteen boys, Kaeden just doesn't have friends, and today that simple fact was hurting both of our hearts. I told him he could always invite one of his "friends" from his bus to come home with him, and that I'd even write the mother a note asking to call me to set up a playdate. But the truth is, that if someone invited Kaeden to come home with them, I wouldn't let him go without knowing anything about the family or at least meeting the parents when I dropped him off. The situation he's in just doesn't lend to having friends, neither mentally nor physically, and I hurt for him. I'm scared that as he gets older, these little things are just going to keep getting more noticeable. It's just one of those things about autism.

Caught in the Act

This morning I got caught! I was doing something that I really shouldn't have been, but hey, it's my house and usually I am alone IN my house...but not this morning. My son caught me red-handed...and admonished me for doing what I always tell them not to do. Oops! What was I doing, you're wondering? Well, of course I was drinking out of the carton...fresh juice poured directly onto my thirsty tongue without dirtying a glass in the process!

I didn't even think twice as I grabbed the carton from the fridge and started to drink. It's not something I normally do unless there is just a dribble left, but seemed fitting today, for whatever reason. And when Jari came into the kitchen, he pointed his finger at me and said with his stern voice "Hey, you can't do that. It's not nice to drink from the container. And if you tell me I can't do that, then you can't do that either." I lowered my eyes and my head in that cowering position as you do when your father is cussing you out. I quickly replaced the juice and told Jari he's right, I shouldn't be doing that. And then I thought nothing more of it, until....

This afternoon I walked in the kitchen. Jari had just returned from playing with a friend and we were heading out to soccer practice. And my eyes popped out of my head as I watched him slug down his yogurt drink straight from the container. Ï pointed my finger at him and said "Hey, you can't do that." As he continued drinking the last little sip, he pulled the bottle from his mouth and said "There, it's all gone!" Seems there are a few of us not listening in this household...and also learning from their, uhm, mom!!! OOps!

Cookies For Dinner

My son's eyes were twinkling. His voice was a high-pitched shrill as he asked "Do we REALLY get cookies for dinner?" As I set the table with little plates and a glass of milk, the smell of fresh-baked cookies wafting through the air, I was happy with my decision to have cookeis for dinner. Who would have thought? So, after a very late lunch and not too hungry family, my boys were thrilled with their wonderful surprise. They sat down to have dinner without the usual fight of "What is that?" "Yuck!" "I'm not eating that!" and ate their dinner up without a single question or whine. Cookies for dinner, indeed. And sparkling eyes proved it was a once in a lifetime treat!!!

De Splinter

Yesterday was Labor Day in Belgium. The kids were home and I didn't feel like doing nothing, so we took Papa to work and headed off for a day of fun. I did a little research online and discovered a park not far from Erwin's work, called De Splinter. That's where we went, and boy, am I glad we did. It was a treasure of a playground, all different areas for differing activities. There was a building center, a pirate island, a regular playground, soccer field, swimming pool, and a petting zoo. We spent nearly ALL day at this park, not even exiting the gates to discover the rest of the park in which houses this "playground". The boys LOVED it and even managed to swim in the pool. We built a hut from wood and captured some tadpoles. We played with the baby goats and wandered through the paths in the pirate forest searching for treasures. We had a picnic lunch sitting in the sun, and just had a really terrific day together. Kaeden came up with the reasoning behind the name: Mom, they have a bunch of wood where you can get splinters, so that's why they call it The Splinter. I was impressed as that didn't even cross my mind. Jari loved crossing the bridges onto the pirate island and manning the boat complete with skull and crossbones. I enjoyed the sunshine, getting a bit of color and moving our possessions from one playplace to the next. I'm so glad we spent the day as we did. It was peaceful and fun, and I came away feeling like the mom I want to be...involved, active, and happy. And so were my lil guys!

We went to pick Papa up from work and got to tour his office building. He is on the 7th floor with a really nice view of the city. We met his boss and saw his new desk and it was a great end to a great day. I wouldn't have traded it for sleeping in a bit later for anythign in the world.