Saints in the House

Well, what a weekend we had. Saturday we watched Jari play soccer and then quickly left to whisk our chillies off to see Sinterklaas, arriving just in time to watch his boat harbor and collect a few handfuls of treats from Zwarte Piet. We then biked to the city center where we got pushed and shoved in a line with 'millions' of swooning children waiting for their chance to give the good holy man a hand...and collect their stash! We managed to stand in the perfect spot to make it in the top 20, meaning we were one of the first in line. Sinterklaas took his time with each child, asking what they wanted as a gift and settling each on his knee, before handing them a snoepzak (candy bag) filled to the brim with wonderful treats. It was pure magic. Just ask my seven year old whose eyes were twinkling as he made known that he wants a new ball, man sauce (Asia sauce, as Jari calls it...his fave), and Indiana Jones Lego for surprises at the door this year. Kaeden informed us that he is expecting a new laptop, a videocamera, and a cell phone. No worries, my boy, no worries (said as sweat trickles from my brow). But truly, it is magical, and it is special, and I have this year left to fully enjoy every aspect of the magic with my children. And when I trip over their shoes sitting filled with carrots and pictures at the door, or have to pick up markers and paper yet again after another 'tekening' was created, I will do so with happiness...thrilled that my children have been offered a life in which they can be free to dream, to fantasize, to hope and to believe. Believe in the magic of the season.
Oma and Opa kept the boys overnight (what a TREAT! THANK YOU!!!) while Erwin and I attended my yearly St. Ceciliafeest for my choir. We had so much fun. We shared lots of laughter and great conversation, and were awarded by understanding just a little more of the dialect spoken than we could last year. The food was all about fish, ever course being a special serving of fish, which was a huge disappointment for the two of us who cringe just at the thought of fish, but luckily we could remove some of the seafood and still had a nice meal. And the desert bar...to die for! YUM! Our theme this year was Famous People...Erwin went as Batman while I managed to become President of the US for a night. What a high walking into the party venue and receiving cheers all around as I waved my American flag, and was greeted by yet another Obama face in the crowd. The costumes were varied and fun, making the atmosphere really come alive. We staggered home at 2am and fell into bed, only to sleep in until nearly 11am without our spawn to awaken us. Did I say THANK YOU yet to oma and opa???! So, all in all, a very saintly weekend filled with fun...and magic...and well, life is quite good.

A few things

Kaeden made the bus wait again (3 times this week). The bus teacher rang my doorbell and told me they will NOT wait again. He hasn't even gotten out of the shower when it arrives. Makes for a very stressful morning ritual for everyone. But how do I get him to get himself ready on time. Good question...one we'll be working on in the coming days. He HAS to make the bus. I have no other means of getting him to school.

Erwin and I REALLY enjoyed our time out last night. The concert was terrific. Having so many varied artists you don't have a chance to stop and catch your breath before the next one arrives. We had to leave before it was over, so we didn't see the finale. Too bad, but it was woth it to beat the crowds. Plus, my friend who was watching the kids has to work this morning and as it was, we didn't make it home til 1:30am.

I had a moment of hope for America last night. A couple of the artists asked "So, is Belgium ready for President Obama?" And the entire crowd cheered and raised their flags and clapped. I think the entire world is ready for a change. I was thrilled to hear Belgians cheering for America. That's not something they do very freely. One woman in particular sitting in the section next to us was really animated. I was wondering if she was an American. It's possible, but I just think the entire world is ready to see our nation shine again. America holds a key on so many levels for issues across the globe. I know I was cheering as well...and will be as Obama begins the work needed to put his plans into action.

Live was my favorite act last night, but I missed them playing Lightning Crashes, one of my faves. Simple Minds is my favorite band. I think because I have seen them live before it wasn't as sensational as seeing a new band, but they are always magnificent. Sinead O'Connor sang those high notes really lovely, but she sure doesn't know how to put on a crowd-pleasing performance, other than her voice. She didn't hardly move, other than tapping her shoeless foot. Midge Ure was also great as smoke rose from the stage as he sang Vienna. And the fireworks shooting through the Antwerpen Sportpaleis was quite spectacular. Oh, and the comic musicians...wow, they really kept the show moving along, making classic music something to sincerely sit back and thoroughly enjoy. Some of the biggest cheers went to the Harlem Gospel Choir which surprised me, but they really do a great job of pulling the crowd in. And the orchestra was not as magnificent as I had hoped, but they got better as the show went on. So, all in all, a very worthwhile adventure out with my husband.

My favorite moment of the evening was when Simple Minds was playing and Erwin wrapped my hand in his. I had this very real moment of truth and didn't even hear the rest of the song as I sat there thinking: This is my life. This is my husband. This is where I belong. Something so simple, yet so profound. Life is full of the very littlest of treasures when you take the time to really look around you.

10 Years Later

October 28, 1998 The first day I met this man. Tonight, we're celebrating our 10 year anniversary. We're going on a date...off to enjoy the music of Night of the Proms. http://www.notp.com/english/home
I can't say enough about what this man has done for me. He has given me comfort, security, and commitment beyond anything I had ever imagined for myself. He has stayed by my side through all the trials, and loved me more than I sometimes love myself. He is the one I turn to when I need a hug, the first person I want to share with when I am happy, the one I reach for when I am hurting. And he is always there, supporting me and giving me his love. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't met him 10 years ago. But I do know that I am happy that I chose him to be my partner in life, that he chose me to be his wife, and that we have created the life we share today. Happy Anniversary, Er! Thank you for being mine.

The Times: Changing.

Back in 1955, Rosa Parks was the first known black woman to take a seat on a public bus. She was tired of being discriminated against for her color. Throughout all these years, black Americans have struggled to be equal to their white American counterparts. Today, another first has become a reality for America. In this historic presidential race, Barack Obama was voted, by the American people, as our next president, our next leader. He is a black man. And his is the new image of the American family, granting each African-American a chance to see equality, a chance to feel that slavery is finally a thing of the past. Congratulations, America, on change that is about to take place. Congratulations, Americans, on voting in fresh blood, someone who will bring about the needed changes for America to shine. Congratulations, Obama, and success in your work as you help America climb.

Herfstvakantie

is weer voorbij :-( Yes, our fall vacation is over, but it was so nice getting away from home to relax and do things we don't get to do every day. We had a great time exploring the Gelderland region of Holland. We've gone there numerous times before, but each time is another surprise with new things to see. This year, our vacation started off with a typical Tera entrance...I was playing hide and seek with Jari and sprained my ankle...badly enough that I had to hobble around all week. That was Day One. Day Two? We went to head off to do some sightseeing and our car wouldn't start. We called our travel insurance and they sent a tow truck to jump us. We left the car running all afternoon as we took turns looking at the sights and staying by the car. Day Three? Car started, we headed off on a nice nature walk through the Veluwe with all the fall colors crunching under our feet. Got back to the car...dead again. Called another towing company who got us started and then headed directly to a Nissan garage where we got everything fixed and could really begin enjoying our vacation. Still, it was fun testing out all those new, fresh-smelling cars and imagining which we would choose IF we could have any we wanted.

The rest of our vacation was really terrific. We visited my favorite zoo ever, called Apenheul. It's a zoo completely filled with monkeys of every sort, and they are free range throughout the park and come right up to you. It's a lot of fun. We also went to the train museum which was a huge hit for the kids as it is very interactive, and we went to the water museum which was also an afternoon well spent. We spent an afternoon at the Nederlands Mint where we played all kinds of money games and you can see one picture where I got in trouble trying to take a picture of the money-making process..oops! We also went to an artillary museum which always makes me imagine all those that have been through war. Especially since I have been in Europe, and I see so much evidence of the war even as long as it has been over, it humbles me.

Of course, we celebrated Halloween when the great pumpkin surprised us with treats hidden all through our house the night we got back from the zoo. The kids were totally in their element and couldn't wait for his arrival. And he managed to keep them quite stocked up on treats for an evening viewing of Lord of the Rings!

Here's a link to the pictures if you want to share in our adventures this past week.
http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?mode=fromshare&Uc=lgyy8pf.1vgsio37&Uy=lqr5c2&Ux=0

2 Things:

1. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, our car will be full to bursting at the seams with all of our stuff....because we're heading off on vacation to a Holland destination! We'll be spending a week enjoying the sights and visiting museums and zoos and playing in the colorful autumn forests and relaxing in our little house in the woods...yes, we're off on vacation! Here's our Holland destination: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veluwe

2. We have company coming this afternoon! Yeah! My American aunt is visiting her family (my cousin, her husband, and their 3 kids, one of whom I have not yet met...he's 6 months old) who are stationed in Germany, and they are heading our way to say hello. I always LOVE having company from home, sharing this little piece of Europe I call my home, letting them see rather than have to envision where I now live. So, though the timing wasn't right to really have an adveturous visit (did I mention we're leaving on vacation tomorrow?) I'll still get to see them all and I'm really excited! Plus, now knowing that they are stationed just 4 hours from us, makes the possibility of future visits a reality as well, which, hey, I'm always up for seeing family.

So, those are the two things. I probably won't have internet access where we're headed, so I'll be back in November, surely with lots of stories to tell and pictures to share, and hopefully a renewed spirit, sharing special moments with my little family. Happy Fall!!! Oh, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

My Lil Devil!

Definitely No Angel Wings To Be Found...I like him just as he is, my lil devil!

Kaeden In School

Last night I attended Parent-Teacher conferences for Kaeden. I came home feeling happy with the place he is in. He is enjoying school, and doing well there. His class consists of 7 kids, 2 boys and 5 girls between 12 and 15 years old, all with differing handicaps. He is no longer in an exclusive autism classroom. But, he is doing terrific!!!!! And I am so proud of his accomplishments to date. Not yet has he received a check which would limit his entry to special activities. He helps in the class, he accepts criticism from classmates, he laughs and makes jokes with them, he seems happy to be a part of the class. He does his work, and does it well. He has been able to partake in the school reward program, and his teachers told me what a joy he is to have in their class. And they also told me that after reports from his previous school behavior, they were worried...but had no reason to be.

I was glowing by the time I left the school halls. My son has found his niche, he is succeeding, and happy all in one breath. And wow, I am so glad.

When I came in the house, Kaeden was in the bathroom getting ready to brush his teeth before bed. I walked towards him and did nothing other than give him a thumbs up...and in that moment, I saw his eyes brighten with pride, I felt a connection between us as he lowered his head onto my shoulder and gave a little chuckle! "I am so proud of you, Kaeden! You are doing GREAT in school!!!" and I pulled him close, into a hug which bonded us in this special moment.

After he brushed his teeth, he asked me if I would snuggle with him in my bed. We read a story, I sang songs, and rubbed his hair, my 'little' boy snuggled tight against me. It was a moment stopped in time, remembering back to days long past when he was just a little guy, when I wasn't scared and living in a cloud of autism dust, when it just felt so perfectly right and not worrying about whether my son was happy, if he would be a success, but just relishing in the feel of him warming my body, my heart, my soul, with his love. Last nigth gave me back something that has been lost in the shuffle of life with autism. It gave me back my little boy, and all the dreams I once had for him, now slightly changed, but a dream for a happy future none-the-less. I am so proud of you, my beautiful boy!

Women of the Web

Last night I had a meeting. A meeting on my calendar, and nothing to do with kids or friends or school or family. It was a meeting for me. A meeting which I attended as the new webmaster for my women's club.

This year, I kind of got myself pulled into being on the board of our local women's club. It wasn't something I was sure I wanted to do, but after being asked a million times I finally broke down and decided to give it a try. Though we've only had a handful of meetings, and a couple activities I was involved in, I think I might just enjoy it. And now, I have been voted in to create a website for our club.

I haven't made a website before, though I enjoy being on the computer. And it seems simple enough, as it is just a template in which to place activities and members, etc. But still, I am really looking forward to being involved in something in which my work is seen. Something of my creation in which I can be proud. And so, I had a meeting. And now, with my little handbook in hand and a few ideas spinning out of control in my mind, I am hoping to spin them off onto a new website for our club. It should be a challenge keeping on top of it all, and I hope I don't get bored with it all too quickly (I tend to get distracted after I do things for too long), but I think it'll be good for me, good to have something to keep me busy, something to challenge me, and give me a creative outlet for my ideas. I'm looking forward to getting started!

Autism Eyes

This week has given me a few more facts about how my son sees the world. It has been mind-opening for me to hear his views on things, and realize that he truly sees the world through his autism-eyed glasses.

We were watching tv, while it was still light outside. On the screen, a dark night was being portrayed. Kaeden asked me: Mama, where do they live that it is so dark outside when it's still daytime here? When I tried explaining that the show was taped, he stayed focused on the fact that the people were speaking Dutch, which means they live in Holland or Belgium, so it had to be light there too. He just wasn't comprehending that a movie is a movie, and doesn't mean that it is live.

Yesterday we went to a museum. It was a nature museum and there were animals which had been stuffed. Kaeden was really interested in the videos they were showing of all the different animals in their natural habitats. As we passed a display of the storks, Kaeden said: Look, there are the storks. I think they are making babies right now.

Now, this may be just a little something that could be misunderstood...but it wasn't. Kaeden truly believed the storks were making babies, human babies.

So, sometimes I have to step back and wonder if he really lives life always inside his autistic mind, or if sometimes he just has an autistic moment and misunderstands concepts. This is very typical of autism, translating things literally. And hearing his viewpoint makes me remember how hard it must be to live with autism. And how hard it is to be a parent of a child that sees the world differently...

The Neighbor Boy

Jari got out of school and immediately I heard his pleas: Please, mama, please can Jakub come and play. I already asked him. Please can he come play today?

I enjoy it when my kids have friends to play with. And I welcome a chance for them to share time with their friends. However, this particular friend is here every day, from the minute school lets out until after I send him home when our dinner is ready to eat. He lives just across the street from us, and it's a very convenient friendship. I like Jakub, I really do. He's a nice kid and never causes me any problems. He is polite...but he is NOT MY KID! And he's here far too often.

So, when Jari pleaded with me to have his friend come, I told him No, Jakub was just here ALL day yesterday, and teh day before that you had another friend here, and the day before that Jakub was here, and now I want a break from other people's kids!

Just as we were discussing why I didn't want a kid here this afternoon, the doorbell rang. Jakub was standing there, with the same pleading 'Can I play?' in his eyes that my own son was also giving me.

I reluctantly opened the door further, and told him he could play for a little while.

And that is when he gave me a HUGE smile, his blonde hair shining, his eyes twinkling and handed Jari a sucker.

"It's my very last sucker and I saved it just for Jari because he's my very best friend!" Jakub said, putting his arm around my son's shoulders. "We're best friends, huh Jari?"

As I saw the two boys embrace, their eyes sparkling with friendship, I decided maybe it's no so bad afterall. He entertains my son, they play well together, and he gives my son confidence and self-esteem and happiness. So, I pay up in cookies and drinks and finding things for them to do, but what a small price to pay to see two little boys happy, learning what it means to be giving and loving; learning what it means to share and to be a true friend.

Parenting

As kids get older, it seems like we as parents only manage to get more busy. It used to be hectic, dealing with crying babies and diaper changes and needing to be constantly on guard for falls and dangers in the house. Now it is hectic in the need for organizing playdates and sport activities and school activities and scouting and the like. It seems we are always running here or there, and our family activities always circulate around someone having a game or meeting or whatever else falls across our path in the week. We can't just wake up Saturday and say: Hey, let's go to the woods today. Now, it's more that we set the alarm to wake up in time for the game, go and watch Jari play soccer, run a few errands that need to be done, and make it home in time for Kaeden's scouts. It isn't nearly as free and impulsive as life was when we still had babies running around. Of course, we don't need to bring the stroller and diaper bag and extra clothes with us either. Now it's just tell the kids to get in the car, and they go. Usually, mama still has to make sure the coats make it along.

Parenting has so many different dimensions. With our growing children, our duties change. We need to teach our children what is appropriate behavior, discipline them for being unruly or cruel, and help them find their place in this world by organizing and making sure they are where they need to be. We need to stimulate them by giving them choices, but not too many choices that we get too bogged down with appointments ourselves. It's management skills, being a parent.

Last night, I forgot that it was Sport Club for Kaeden. Jari had a friend here playing all afternoon and I played a game with Kaeden and then started dinner. Suddenly, as I was putting laundry away, it dawned on me that I had forgotten all about Kaeden's activity. "Kaed, we forgot sport club tonight!" I told my son. "Didn't you want to go?"
"I forgot it too, mama." he replied, concentrating on his Playstation game. I was glad he was otherwise occupied, as sometimes forgetting sport club could result in a full-blooded meltdown from my son. Having the game to entertain him kept his emotions in check.

Yesterday, I got all of Jari's needed items ready for his special Autumn adventure with his class. I made sure Kaeden had his gym clothes for his gym class. Both boys left the house with full bellies and healthy lunches. As did my husband. I made a few important phone calls, answered the door when our oil was delivered, paid a few bills online, read the electric meter and tried to turn it in online, ran to get some meat at the grocery store, did laundry, cleaned up the visible messes, made dinner, played games, supervised playing children, said hello to the neighbor, looked up activities for us to do while we're on vacation the end of the month, and chose not to attend my choir activity (Erwin wasn't home in time, and even though I could have reminded him, I soemtimes feel like he has enough on his plate and I don't need to add to his daily struggles. When I do choose to tell him he needs to be here for this or that at a certain time, he ALWAYS is. Even if it is in the middle of the day when he should be working. But marriage is like that. You give, you take, you share, both responsibility and joy and struggles, and somehow, when you both give it your all, everything gets managed just fine...and life seems to revolve and circulate and you live together comfortably.)

Anyway, even though I was home alone yesterday from 8:40-3:30, I had a busy day. I have been considering going to work, as it is something I would like to do for my emotional health, and the extra money could help finance our trips to America, activities for the boys, the oil to heat our home, the lunches out with girlfriends...yeah, all those extras. But, I don't know how we would manage everything if I was working. My boys have it very easy as I am always here for them, and they know that whatever they need, mama is always here. They don't have to worry who will pick them up from school, when they need to attend daycare, why they can't have friends come to play...it is natural for them to have the comfort of knowing mama will be home when they are, to supply a snack, to play a game, to help with homework, to find a misplaced soccer shirt or judo belt.

It was a choice Erwin and I made for me to be a stay at home mom. And I am glad my children have the security they do, this being my job. However, my job seems to be changing as my kids get older, and as I become even more busy than when they were toddlers, I wonder what is in store for me...but I have a hunch that as Jari ages another few years, he's going to be quite self-sufficient and independent. And as Kaeden ages a few years, he's going to need more assistance, and maybe not just from home and mama's heart. And so, I will happily continue my job, helping my children to grow into their own people, and know that this job, though not always exciting or satisfying or giving me social contact, is the most important I could be doing at this time in my life, in my children's lives. And someday, Erwin and I will again find the time to wake up lazily on a Saturday morning and have a leisurely breakfast before we grab our bikes for a ride through the woods, our kids off on their own activities, their own calendars and agendas filled with their own handwriting, while mine is just a reminder to be at the soccer field at 6 for Jari's game, or to attend Kaeden's Judo exam watching him receive his next belt.

This parenting stuff is ever-changing. It's both the best ride and most wrecked accident all rolled up in one. But it's an adventure I wouldn't want to be without.

007

Tonight I was tucking Jari into bed. He has a difficult time falling asleep as he is scared of monsters and ghosts and the dark and anything that has to do with night. So, Erwin or I usually tuck him in and read a story and sing songs and rub his back until he falls asleep (or we do, whichever comes first). So, tonight I was tucking him in. We had read a story together, him one page, me the next (wow, can you believe he can already read to me...real books!), and then I sang a bunch of songs, but he was still squirming around. Nederland was playing a qualifying game and I wanted to see the end, so I told him I was going to leave him and I'd check up on him in a little while.

"Okay, mama" he said reaching up to give me a kiss. "It's okay. I won't be scared cuz in my dreams James Bond will protect me."

I couldn't help but stifle a laugh as I gave him one last goodnight kiss heading to watch Nederland beat Norway 1-0. Yes, James Bond, please protect my little boy. Keep him safe all through the night, and wake him with the morning light. Amen!

How To Say Goodbye?

Back years ago I had a friend. She was stunningly beautiful, with long, curly dark hair, a perfect size 6 body, and a Louisiana accent to boot. She wasn't just a friend, but my sister found...and every spare minute we had, we spent it together. Her name was Mechelle.

When I was 18 I quit college, packed up my belongings, and headed off on my first long term away-from-home adventure. I put a lot of thought into how to make my first adventure work, and it took me in the direction of New York, where a family awaited me as their nanny. I loved children and knew that I would do a good job as a nanny. The family I had contact with was very different from my own, and yet we immediately fell into a comfortable existence, from the first phone calls. I was signed up with a nanny agency, and after going through thorough testing was approved to be a nanny. And, this family was interested in me. With a 4-year-old son and a 2-month-old daughter, as well as two parents in upper-class, high stress jobs, I found myself not only away from home, but away from everything familiar. Living with them was not like heading out to the woods to cut trees with my dad, or heading over to the station to visit our regular customers with my mom. It was a different lifestyle. And it was also a different region of America. I was living on Long Island, with traffic jams and green grass and the ocean just around the bend. It was a new start for a teen desiring adventure and a something different. It fulfilled my desires for adventure and excitement and gave me that sense of who I was. It was there that I found myself.

And Long Island is where I met Mechelle. We worked for the same nanny agency and I was asked to pick her up and bring her to one of our monthly meetings, as she lived in the same area as I did. I had been with my family for a couple months, and was desiring friendships which hadn't yet formed. I was thrilled to find someone that I may be able to discover New York and the east coast with. And on the night of our meeting, I tentatively went to pick her up.

We hit it off imeediately. After our first encounter, there was no separating us. We got together with our kids, we got together in the evenings, we got together in the weekends, when we would often camp out at one or another's home, and we made more friends. We shared thousands of adventures together, and discovered a friendship that was truly something special. We talked and talked and got to know each other to the cores of our beings. And I loved her, as she did me.

When, 3 years after I first started working for my NY family (as I still call them today, the boy now 22, the girl now 19), Mechelle and I decided that it was time to start life on our own, go back to school and find ourselves a career, we chose to move to Colorado together. I have always loved Colorado, and I knew Mechelle would as well. So, after telling our families goodbye, we were off, back to the West of the US, and another new start.

If I go into too much detail, this will become a book, but we found an apartment, found jobs, signed up for school, and began life together In Colorado, my second-hand car our mode of transport, and our second-hand furnishings lovingly restored by our own hands. We often headed to Laramie in the weekend to visit my family, where we were both always welcome. And our life was terrific for more than a year, when things started going wrong.

Mechelle met a man. And they got pretty serious pretty quickly. And from the outside, he seemed okay. But, as I soon found out, he was into drugs, and pulled my friend Mechelle into that lifestyle as well. She lost her job, dropped out of her classes, and found comfort only in partying and being with her druggie boyfriend. I can only tell of my side of things that happened, but our friendship started to dissolve. I'm sure it was a two-way street, and I know I was jealous of the time they spent together, when before it was always Mechelle and Tera, Tera and Mechelle. But anyway, after a few months, we were like two strangers living in the same home, with her boyfriend an added addition to our little family. And then lightning struck, and we parted ways...and since 1994 we have had no contact.

The past number of years, I have been trying to locate Mechelle. I have had no leads, other than an old address of one of her sisters in Louisiana. And I sent a letter there, with no answer received. Then, yesterday, as I was surfing the net, I came across an old ancestry page where I had left a message a few years back asking if anyone knew Mechelle, where she was, or how I could contact her. And there was a reply. From her niece.

It was not, however, the happy jovial reply I was hoping to receive. I wasn't going to be reunited with my best friend of the good ole days. She was dead. In 2004 she was hit by a car in Fort Collins, Colorado. And she was buried in Louisiana, after suffering brain damage from the accident. It seems she had not been in contact with her family much, but her boyfriend paid to have her transported back to Louisiana. She was not married, and had no children. But she is now flying among angels in the clouds, and I am feeling a bit let down. And wondering what happened, what her life was like, what she accomplished and if she managed to free herself from the life of drugs and mishaps? I feel a great sense of loss, even though we haven't been in contact for years. I feel a tiny piece of me has been torn away, that hope of renewing our friendship now shuffled into a closed up box in the back of my soul.

Mechelle, I hope you had a good life. I hope you were happy and given the opportunity to share much laughter in your too-short time here on earth. And I hope that all the pain is now gone, and that you are enjoying fluttering on angel clouds watching us all from above. And seeing me, as I think about you, and all the wonderful times we shared togehter as two lost souls looking for companionship and warmth. I miss you. And I love you, still.

Rest In Peace My Dear Friend.

A Day of Okay?

Okay, so it was a day. Not a bad day by any means, but certainly contained a few downs. Let me recap.

1) I made brussel sprouts for dinner. It is the first time I have ever made them myself and thought it would be good for the kids to try a new veggie. I already knew they weren't Erwin's fave. But, I made them anyway. FAILED experiment. I won't be wasting money on them again.

2) I finished the book Dear John by Nicholas Sparks. I always feel a great sense of letdown when I finish a book. And I read a LOT of books. And I have been on a major reading streak lately and can't seem to put the book down until it's finished...or until my legs start tingling from sitting too long. Whichever comes first. Anyway, I enjoyed the book, even though the ending made me cry.

3) I was busy cleaning out our sewer today. There's nothing like a clogged sewer system to make you want to yak. As my hands fished out all the joys known to mankind, my breathing actually regulated once I got used to the smell. But, even after washing 10 times and taking a shower, I can still smell it on my body. Yuck! And, it's not yet finished. Though I managed to pull out nearly 3 buckets of goo (or is that poo), I didn't have the proper hose to actually get it unplugged.

4) My computer crashed...and remains crashed...something about: Unable to read disk error. Seems serious to me, so I will be temporarily computer-less...which is like, Awww, SHIT! Guess I'll have to get my kicks on Erwin's laptop when he gets home from work, and hope it doesn't cost an arm and leg to get the desktop fixed.

5) I have managed to develop a bladder infection. Yeah, a few dribbles a hundered times an hour with a sting that bites. Argh! Guess I will be heading into the doc for a prescription.

So, that's a bit how my day played out. Not too bad, in the greater scheme of things.

Ironing

If you know me, you know my least favorite chore is ironing. I absolutely hate doing it, and do anything I can to get out of doing it. My family's clothing consists of the items least necessitated for ironing...but even then, sometimes I HAVE to iron. My husband needs shirts for work, and sometimes my kids like to wear those nicer than tshirt 'dress'shirts...and sometimes even I need to look like a less-than-frumpy mama. Still, if I don't HAVE to, I don't iron. We all live a slightly crumpled up life :-) I like it that way.

So, imagine my horror, surprise, confusion, and ecstasy when Kaeden came home Friday afternoon begging me to let him iron my tea towels. Yes, he knew all the steps and recited them proudly as I pulled out all the wares I despise for the chore...ironing board, water, iron, wrinkly towels....and he proceeded to iron my towels, something I would NEVER be inclined to iron, keeping my ironing needs to the bare minimum. He walked me through the steps to a perfectly fresh and pretty tea towel package. And he LOVED doing it!!!

So, now I am feeling quite excited about his newest classes in school...he's learning to iron? He's learning to cook? He's learning to wash dishes and mop floors and wash clothes and did I mention IRON?!?! My days of housekeeping may be coming to an end...I wonder what else I can get myself up to....

The Official Ballot

Look what I got in the mail this week. My official American voting ballot. As I opened it up and saw the candidates names staring back at me, I felt a bit panicked. This voting stuff is important. This voting stuff is a big deal. This voting stuff, well, it makes me think and analyze and research and....and....I have to be an adult. I have to be a good American. I have to do my part to make the American ways, liberty and justice for all, a reality. But I am just one teeny, tiny person clear across the waters not even standing on American soil. I hear and see the negativity that froths forth coming from people on this side of the world. I want to hear them speak of America as the powerful, beautiful, helpful country I once knew it to be. I don't want to be one lonely soul in a sea of Europeans trying to defend my country. It is the job of my country, the politicians, the citizens, the president...to do that for me. And now, it is my job to pick my choice for the upcoming president.

I have deliberated over this for months, watching the debates online, reading news, researching candidates. I am interested, but feel only slightly informed. I have two main candidates in which may take over the job of leading our country. I personally like Obama for many reasons, but I am fearful that he is too inexperienced, will need assistance in making decisions. Is this the right man for the job? Someone I see as unfit to make a major decision on his own? Someone who can't make a spur of the moment decision because he isn't sure it is the correct one?

And then there is McCain. He is old. He is more experienced in life. He shouts out cries of following on the steps of the Bush administration (YIKES!) and he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate (double YIKES...though I am in favor of a woman being in the white house, I am not keen on this particular woman).

So, what to do? My own views and values follow a more liberal, social approach. But as Americans, we're quite limited to choice in our democracy. So, these two candidates spark through, and we know that one of them will win. Which will do a better job? Which will pull America up, help her to shine, help our citizens feel safe, healthy, comforted and in control? Help me to stand proud and tall when announcing that I am an American citizen, even as the government bulletins I receive from the American Embassy warn me to shelter my American identity when in public situations?

I'm getting out my pen, doing my tiny little part by marking that circle with my choice. The man I feel will best help America to shine...and hope, that I won't be failed by too many promises, too much media favoring, and find that glimpse of what America truly stands for, liberty and justice for all.

** I am voting for Obama. I already 'know' that his message for change offers too much of a good thing. But if some of what he proposes becomes a reality, I think America has a good foot in the right direction. I just hope he learns quickly enough and is able to make some of those necessary decisions for change. Keep your promises, Obama!

A Sty In Your Eye

This morning, Jari and I were sitting having breakfast at the kitchen table, just about ready to head out the door for school...when I suddenly noticed a red lump at the corner of his eye.

"Does your eye hurt, Jari?" I asked him.
"No, but it has a bump on it," he tells me as he pokes at the sty on his eye.
"well, mama better get you to the doctor and get some medicine for it so it'll get better," I tell him. "You have a sty on your eye."

HAHAHAHA "I have a sty on my eye" HAHAHAHA "But I am NOT gonna have NO medicine."

"But if we don't get medicine and make it better, you could go blind," I say.

"Well, at least then I could have a dog." answers my son, picking up his backpack holding onto a fake leash and walking with his eyes closed, pretending to be blind. "If I go blind, can I have a dog then, mama?"

White or Brown?

Tonight, Erwin was late getting home from work, so the boys and I ate together. We had ham, potatoes, mushrooms and garlic bread. Yum! There were no complaints from anyone, which is a miracle in and of itself. That's Jari's greatest forte...EWWWWWwwww, YUCK! I don't like THAT!

So, when Erwin got home, after we had eaten, I prepared his dinner. As I placed his dinner on the table, Jari sat by watching.

"White bread?" asked my darling little boy. "Papa has white bread and we had brown bread. That's funny.""

I looked at him and said "We had white bread too, Ja-Bug!"

Üh-uh, we had brown bread. Papa's is white, and ours was brown.""

And okay, so I have to give it to him, our white garlic bread did get a little TOO done in the oven...I guess we'll just call it brown bread from here on out :-) Like I said, there were no complaints!

Someone Is A Gold Medalist!

CONGRATULATIONS JARI!!!

Today, we had a big ole surprise come to our house. Jari ran in the school run today, competing against kids from schools all over our region...and guess who got FIRST place???

My little bug, my little speed demon, came home with the gold medal! I am so proud of him!!! And besides the medal, he also won a new game, which he immediately wanted to play....of course!

Anyway, I am a happy, proud mama this afternoon, and there's a happy, proud little bug in my midst as well. We have reason to celebrate!

'Special' Kid

It's hard to be the mom of a 'special' kid. I mean, really, don't we all think our kids are special. Each has character traits that are unique to them, each has a talent in which we praise them for, each has a manner about them that tugs at a mother's heartstrings. But, some are more 'special' than others. I am the mother of one of those 'special' kids.

Yesterday I took Kaeden to his first day of high school. I walked the halls of the school with him, his backpack hunched over his shoulder, and really looked at my son. It's hard to look at his face and see a 'special' kid hiding there behind his golden eyes, his perfectly shaped face, his bright smile, and his charming manner. And yet, there is something just a little different about him.

I can't put my finger on it as I look from afar, testing my own logic as I try to weed out the perfection I see in my own child. But as I look at him from down the long hallway, his stance is just slightly off-balance, his eyes staring ahead as if deep in thought, not really registering all that is happening around him, or maybe precisely the reverse, and he's taking in too much. The way his fingers are positioned at his side, just ever so crooked. When someone comes upon him and speaks to him directly, he doesn't respond, but continues to stare ahead. I go to him and say: Kaeden, aren't you going to tell Mrs. .... hello?

I am always trying to help him participate in conversation, help him see the proper manner of social contact, putting a smile on my face as I shake her hand and tell her we are here for our first day of school, apologizing in my own response of: Kaeden is interested in what is happening in the class. And then to my son, still trying to involve him in our conversation: Right, Kaed?

And he looks at me, although avoids contact with her eyes, as he shakes his head yes, though I am uncertain if he knows what the question was in the first place. Still, it is a response, and I sigh with relief as we continue on our journey. As we walk, I tell him: Kaeden, when someone says hello, it's nice if we speak back to them. As I place my hand upon his shoulder, he shakes it off. He's feeling overwhelmed, and this is my first sign that this is so. He cannot handle human contact when he's overly stimulated. This is one of the pains that tugs at my heart in dealing with autism. Touch hurts. And just when you most want to support your child in the most natural manner possible, with a reassuring touch, or a hug, or even a glance, you can't. He cannot handle it at those times.

We sat in the classroom where the kids who can't handle social interaction go during breaks. This is a classroom in which my son will frequent. A place where he can feel safe, a release from all social obligations, a place where he has a special task of working alone to assure he isn't a burden to other students,can't harm them with his physical presence or nasty words. It is an inviting place, with all kinds of activities in which to partake, woodworking tools, computers, games...and yet, it is isolated. We go over his schedule, the classes he will need to seek out and find on his own, the times that he'll need to be in a different building, and even though the teacher discussing it all with us knows Kaeden, has worked with him, and understands his needs, I can see that nothing we say at that moment is registering in his mind. He keeps talking about Hannah, a little girl in our neighborhood who has also been diagnosed with autism and attends this same school, the elementary school, but whom he will see on the bus at the end of the day. He can't, at this moment, take part in the conversation surrounding his school schedule.]

We go into his homeroom class. I look in at his classmates as they introduce themselves to my son. The teacher asks if he knows any of the faces. He responds with: No. I take over here. "Kaeden, look, I see Marlon there. he is your friend." as I point at the boy that came to his birthday party last year. "Yeah, I know Marlon," he replies. But the thing that strikes me most is that of the five kids, two are noticeably handicapped. Their facial features show a disability, and at that moment I am fileld with shame as I wonder why my son, my beautiful, perfect child is coming into this class. He doesn't even look like he has a handicap.

And then, as we part ways from this classroom, I am filled with even more shame, and a great big ole portion of realism. BUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL BOY IS HANDICAPPED. It hits me like a load of bricks as maybe, for the first time ever, I am awakening to the fact that my son is disabled. And, he's in a place for disabled children, where he can learn to be his best with the goods God has given him. He fits in here. He belongs. This is the one place in the world where he truly fits in, where he won't be judged or looked down upon for the strange mannerisms, strange stance, inability to read and write and speak in a normal voice tone. This is the palce my son needs to be.

I tell Kaeden goodbye, pat him on the back, and he doesn't shrug away from my touch. As I walk out the doors of the school and look around me, I see all those children, each walking with backpacks hunched on their backs, some with noticeable physical deformations, some with absolutely nothing I can see from just a glance, and I am filled with shame. Shame for thinking I am better than them, shame for thinking my son is better than them, and as I turn my eyes and walk towards my car, I decide that I am going to be a more accepting person...accepting of my son, his disabilities, and my role as the mother of one of those 'special'' kids.

I'm Raising A Chicken!

So, I was getting Jari ready for bed. He was sitting on the bathroom cabinet poised with toothbrush in hand and wrapped up in a towel after a refreshing bath. Suddenly, he pipes up: Mama, when I grow up I am going to be a chicken and sit on an egg.

Now, you had to see his face, but trust me, it was the genuine look of WOW, I just figured out what I am gonna do with my life! So, it seems as if I have a chicken-to-be in my midst. I wonder if parenting a future chicken is any different than parenting a future soccer star?

As the conversation continued between mommy's fits of laughter, we discussed chickens and roosters and how eggs become chicks...and I realized that I don't know a whole lot about the entire process. But, I DO have a good book that describes the egg to chick process in detail from day to day...guess what our nighttime story was? Jari woke up the next day retelling the story of how an egg becomes a chick, focussing on day 13 when they get feathers. And he seems to have decided that maybe he doesn't want to be a chicken, beause teh egg comes out of their butt! And he also seems to have decided he won't be eating anymore eggs (though I don't think he's ever eaten an egg to this day, unless it's in cookies or cake!!!).

So, I think I'll just go back to being the mama of a future soccer star...seems much easier than being the mama of a gender-transformed chicken!!!

My Son IS HOME!

My son is home!!! With him he brings mixed feelings, but mostly just a completeness to our family once again. My home feels once again like home, my heart feels full, and my world is complete. It doesn't take much to make me feel happy. On the way home from the hospital, with Erwin driving, Kaeden in the back seat with his bag full of belongings, my purse full of new rules and doctors and care centers and medication, and the sun peeking through the clouds, tears escaped from behind my eyes. I was completely overwhelmed. Completely at a loss as to why the tears were falling, completely and totally burned. If Kaeden needed to know at that moment why I was crying, I would have been at a loss for words. There were none. They were all used up. It was an emotional rollercoaster of a day for me.

Still, my son is home!!! Maybe tomorrow I can go deeper into all the reports and evaluations and suggestions, and opinions, but for now, I just want to relish in the fact that my son is home!!! And so, the son-shine once again lights my life...

Celebrating 90

Some things are just hard to take in. One of these is the fact that today, my grampa celebrates his 90th birthday. NINETY! 90! Nine-TY! Holy cow...he deserves a celebration!

My family is all gathered in Wisconsin and with his friends and extended family, they will be having a huge farm-themed birthday party to celebrate all the years of my grampa's life. I wish I could be there, but helaas, it will be only in heart.

I'd just like to tell my grampa: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Congratulations! And may it be a day filled with love, laughter, and lots of games of cribbage, a whole table full of cheese cubes, and a whole cooler of cold beer!

Here's a little something I wrote for my grampa, today on his birthday. It's a bit on the novice side, but to be perfectly honest, I think it suits him just perfectly. I can already hear his laugh as he reads the memories of chasing the piggies, playing Santa Claus, and all the adding machine tape he used to find lying around the house.

Memories Of The Farm
Through the eyes of a little girl
Written by Tera, for her wonderful Grampa
On his birthday today, 90 years, give a whirl!

I remember back
To piggies on the farm
Running through the corn fields
Chasing them away from harm.

The always present cream puffs
And homemade applesauce
People playing cards all night
The stacks of empty yogurt cups
We weren’t allowed to toss

Annie’s bedroom with closets full of clothes
I wasn’t allowed to go in there
But still sneaked a peek or two
Whenever I would dare.

Jeff and Jan had the video game
We were allowed to play
Their room at the back always dark
Where they would sleep away the day.

A hop and skip to Kim and Tracy’s house
We made a path through the corn
Cornhusk plates, mudpie cookies galore
For fairy friends we invented in the dewey morn.

The basement with all kinds of ‘toys’
Invented by grandkid girls and boys
A bike to ride across the floor
And an adding machine with tape galore

An old fashioned washing machine
Wring those clothes on through
And the chute for the laundry
Did a kid ever slide down there too?

The German Shepherd dog (Sonja?) was always there
Guarding the homestead as we ran around
Heading to Piggly-Wiggly and the ice cream shop
For kids at play there was fun abound.

The creek where we weren’t supposed to go alone
We managed to find our way there quite often unknown
Christmas with the decorated tree
And always a visit from Santa Claus-who could that be?

My Misty got hit there, on that busy road
And that was a day when many tears flowed.
The Spanish bull-fighter adorned the living room
I dreamed of being the girl in the red dancing costume.

And yes, this was all many years ago
These memories that flood my heart and my soul
A home where I was always welcome and free
To be a child, a girl who grew up to be me.

And it was there, on Grampa’s farm
That I learned to love this man full of charm
His laughter still fills up a room
A hearty and full-bellied laugh, like a boom.
His stories of the past, so enlightening
Some of his experiences in life, downright frightening.
The love he still holds for his wife
Is testimony to the way he’s always lived his life.

This man is my grampa, I’m so proud to say
And it is in this special poetic way
I want to wish him, my special grampa,
A VERY HAPPY 90th BIRTHDAY!!!

I love you, Grampa! Love, Tera

September 19, 2008

How Can We Be A Friend?

This morning when I logged onto the computer, I had a message that I wasn't prepared for. Months ago, I contacted an old friend of mine and she responded, but i haven't heard from her since. Today, I received another email from her, and when I saw her name staring me back from my inbox, a surge of joy spread through me. An old friend, someone I shared a great deal of time with in a very extreme environment, where we clasped arms and walked down the street, a friend with whom I shared a closeness and bond so strong we purchased friendship rings and wore them faithfully. She is someone whom has never left my head...or my heart. And yet, we haven't been in touch since 1995, when I last visited her and she told me that she wasn't in a plce at that moment in time in which she could be my friend. It was hard, yes, but honest. And it wasn't that I wasn't someone she didn't want to be friends with, more that she was experiencing things in her own life that couldn't allow her to be a good friend to me. And so, we broke contact. And still, I thought of her often.

So, there was her name, staring back at me. Like I said, I felt joy that she was again willing to try anew with our relationship. But then, I read the email. And the joy turned to pain and sadness as she told her story of struggles in her life, and her numerous suicide attempts, and how she is, at this moment, planning yet another suicide. She remarked on the fact that she hasn't been in contact sooner, because she has nothing good to offer me, and that she is sorry. As I reread her email again and again, I was struck with the nostalgia of our friendship, the beauty we shared as two women scarred with different issues, yet both searching together to find a place for us in the world. And we did find that place, within each other, and the boundaries of our friendship. But now, that place has been removed, and her struggles are taking over her life, and she can see no way out of the hellhole other than an end to her own life.

When I was younger, I moved to LA. It was not out of excitement for trying out the California lifestyle or wanting to check out another new state on the map. It was a move from sheer need, as I was at a down point in my life and knew that if I didn't do something, I would be gone. I needed help. So, I sought out help after contemplating suicide myself, being so disgusted with the person I was that I could no longer stand to be held in the confines of her body. At that point in my life, my weight issues, which I had dealt with daily from the time I was young, hadd become too much for me to bear. And they were causing an outgoing, fun, beautiful person to become angry, bitter, ugly, and self-conscious. I stayed to myself. I turned into a recluse and hated who I was. When I finally came to terms with the fact that I was headed down the wrong road, I searched out someplace I could get help, dealing with my weight and all the issues that surrounded it. And I found a treatment center in California that dealt specifically with people just like me. So, I rounded up the money from my savings, asked friends to borrow, and bought a plane ticket, leaving my little pooch behind with my parents. I planned to stay about 6 weeks, the allotted amount of time for the treatment program, give or take a few, but I ended up staying over a year. I learned a lot about myself during that time, and the therapy we took part in was intense. I ended up staying nearly 3 months in the treatment center, and after I found a job with one of the men who was also a patient at the center. It was an inpatient treatment center for all eating disorders, from obesity to bulimia and anoerexia. And those people I met during my time in the hospital became very close friends. They knew me from inside out, the very core of my feelings, things that had happened in my lfie that nobody else to this day still knows. It was what I needed, and I started feeling acceptance and love and a genuine desire to live after my stay at the facility. It was here that I met my friend I now speak of, and though I dealt with being overweight, she dealt with bulimia. And though I still suffer from being overweight, she still suffers from bulimia. Eating disorders are not quick to cure. However, I have found happiness, comfort, and my place in the world (at least to some extent...I still have those days where my weight issues are sincere struggles), while my friend has not. She still feels unworthy of hope. She feels unworthy of life. And she feels alone, and scared, and in pain.

So, I wrote her an email back, reminding her of why I thought she was worthy of my friendship, why I care about her, why I hope she will reconsider her suicide plans and try again to find happiness and pece with her life. I told her that she was reaching out by writing to me, that she is strongbecause her body ahs not yet given up, and that I still truly and sincerely care about her. All the while, I was thinking back to walking down the streets of LA with her, arms joins, as we made our way to our favorite frozen yogurt shop, or ducked into a shop to look at the beautiful hand-blown glass. I felt the comfort I had with her, the acceptance, the love, the knowing she was there for me as I was for her...and I didn't know how to tell her, through her pain, how very much she is worth, how much this world needs her, how much she has to offer. To tell her that it really will be okay. That I want to be here for her, that I want to be her friend, that I want to help her through this time. All the years and years she has been abusing not only her body, but also her soul...that we can make it all okay. But how do i tell her, how can I assure her, how can I be the light that helps her shine?

Being a friend is an honor. And I am honored that, even through her pain and all the years that separate us, she has turned to me. I hope beyond hope, that I can help her see that she is worth it.

Dentist

I just returned home from the dentist...for teh second time in a week. I am not one that thrives on going to the dentist. Though I do love the way my mouth feels after a good cleaning, I always get a little nervy when the appointment nears. Especially, when I know it's not just a check-up and cleaning, but to have work done.

So, last week I got a filling, which was right near the roots with the probability of a necessary root canal. I have never had one and it doesn't sound like much fun, so I was hoping the filling would work out okay. And to date, it seems okay, just not perfect. In general, I feel no pain, but every couple days I suddenly get this debilitating crazy ouch pain that lasts for an hour until pain relievers kick in. The dentist told me to just see how it goes, see if I can handle it, and hope that within a few months it's all well.

Today, I had to have a tooth fixed that broke off the day before we left for summer vacation. And he informed me that it's another one of those probable root canal situations. And he loaded me up with numbing shot, but my tooth never really went numb. So, he tries again, waits another 10 minutes, still not numb. He starts drilling anyway and YOWWWW! That hurt like the devil. The squeal that exited my mouth could be heard a few streets further up. But he says: Just another second, come on, you can do this.

And I did. Pain, yes, but it was over in a matter of minutes and he used a whole lotta filling to fix the ole tooth with the hopes of not needing a root canal. We'll see. Anyway, though my tooth never numbed, the side of my cheeks did, and I am sitting here waiting for that weird feelign to go away. I hate drooling! ;-)

So, that's about it from the excitement of my life. I think that's enuf excitement. Sometimes just blending into life without tooo much excitement can be a good thing.

A Whole Lotta Stuff

First and Foremost, let me take just a moment to remember the lives of my fellow Americans seven years ago today. 911, a day that changed the world. A few days back Erwin and I were watching a documentary about 911. He told me that he never had the opportunity to see the twin towers in person. I looked at him in shock and horror. In all of our travels, my husband never had the experience of seeing the New York skyline as it was meant to be. I am thankful that I did. That remembering the way it used to be (in more ways than one) and taking to heart all the lives forever changed, the lives lost, the change that has since taken place in America. My son, just a newborn at the time, now 7 years old, without an awareness of life before 911. But I remember. And I choose to remember.

I took Jari to soccer practice yesterday. 2 other moms were there, 1 from our team, the other from another team. We used to all be incorporated into one team, but they spilt off this year. We moms weré talking, discussing the split teams (something that doesn't bother me in the least, but which seems to threaten every other 'soccer mom'...yeah, you know the ones...that can't go to the bathroom without another mommy there to hold their hand...uh huh). ANyway, the mom from our team told the other mom that she hates the split because she has NOONE to talk to any more. Uhm, HELLO??? Am I NOONE? Do you see me standing here? Am I nothing to you? Talk about feeling hammered into the ground. Made me re-feel all the reasons I do not fit into European life. Made me struggle to keep my head on and not pack my bags for 'home'. I mean really, how utterly rude can a person be? I sincerely wish I had said soemthing at the moment it happened. Instead, I hung my head in shame, my mind a whirlwind of reactions I should have used. Rude, plain and simple.

We have new neighbors. While we were in the states, the new neighbors moved in. They are a young (early 20's) Turkish couple and live upstairs with the plan to rent the downstairs. Anyway, I hadn't had contact with them, until....
I was cutting up a tree we were pruning. They came knocking on my door later that evening and told me that my mess was bothering them. That they like things to be neat and proper, and wanted me to move my mess from the front of their garage. Well, I assured them that I would be cleaning up the mess, but that I planned to finish cutting the tree before I took it all to the dump. And then I sprung on them that actually, the garage they want the mess moved from is illegal and needs to come down. They told me they has asked to have it legalized. Monday morning I went to the city hall and inquired about our rights and whether permission was granted for the garage to stand. It wasn't. I was informed I needed to have a surveyor come and speak with the notary that drew up the paperwork when we purchased our home. So, I called the surveyor and they came...and I discovered that we own more land than I realized and we can take access of all of it (if we choose to be bitchy neighbors, which we won't, but still...). The way our house is divided is a complete disarray and in order to access their yards, both our neighbors need access through our land. And, we are willing to give them that access, as long as they remove the old garage which borders our property...and was placed there illegally and still sits there illegally. Anyway, I so want to go and throw a whole lot of tree branches right on my property (which backs the door to the illegal garage) and make as big a mess as I can, because I can, because it's my land, and the hostile neighbors had NO right to come and tell me to move my mess in the first place. I am happy we're going to get this all corrected, but I am sorry there has to be trouble with the neighbors. Until now, we have loved our neighborhood and direct neighbors, and we all coexist happily...without much interaction other than a friendly hello on ocassion...but now, it seems the war is on. I just hope it doesn't coem down to a court battle. I am really nervous about that happening. But, I am not willing to lose the land I pay taxes for and in which my children could have space to play, and I could grow a bigger garden on. So, I will be fighting for what is rightfully mine.

Today we had family counseling at the psych hospital. It was a difficult appointment for me. They are discovering that Kaeden's reaction to feelings comes in the form of anger. Since he doesn't know how to show sadness, worry, fear, confusion, or anger, he just wallops it all together in a big fit of rage. This made a lot of sense to me...but it still hurts. Now, how to go about helping him to understand emotions. I hope they have some advice to go with the observations. There was a whole lot more that happened during the session, but I 'won't get into all of it. However, Kaeden had a bad day yesterday, which made them try to determine what happened that made him upset, since he can't voice his emotions. It finally came out that mama cried when she told Kaeden goodbye during their visit and he didn't know why she was crying...and it bothered him...and it always bothers him when mama cries, because he doesn't know why mama is crying. And when I was asked to explin it to him, I cried again...and so did my son...which seems to me a very positive reaction in a child who has difficulty showing emotion. I think, as difficult as the session was for all of us, it was also a very rewarding one.

So, we got home to pick Jari up from daycare, where he was instructed to go when school let out. EXCEPT, Jari forgot he was supposed to go to daycare this afternoon...so, there stood my little guy, in the schoolyard waiting for mama, and waiting, and waiting...until finally the teacher waiting with him took him in her car to daycare, still unsure where mama was. Even when I am on track and have everything scheduled out and I'm doing all a mama is supposed to do...well, even then, it sure seems like I manage to screw things up...even when it's not my fault!!! When I asked him if he was sad or scared waiting for me, and Erwin asked if he cried, he said "No, I just had sand in my eyes." I think that says enough, even if it is cute in that sorta sad little boy way.

So, can I possibly fit anythign else on this page? Of course I can!!! :-0 But I'm going to stop here and go rest after a busy day of emotions and more emotions floating in, upon, and around me. Until tomorrow (when the workers will hopefully be replacing the sidewalk that they removed from the front of my house this morning and is now a huge dirt pit in which to fall and bring even more dirt into the house with.....)

No Flow

My words seem to be unable to flow. I am trying to write something special for my grampa's 90th birthday party and I haven't managed to put together a single coherent line...just lots of little thoughts all stuck in mourning in my head, waiting for their place in this wonderful story creation which lives in my brain, but not on paper. I come here to write what's happening and tell the stories of our family and after writing a couple lines I hit the X and close it down, because my thoughts are just not ready to be released into words. My parents called me yesterday and I think they are probably still shaking their heads in confusion. I spoke with them but I am not sure the conversation was a very productive one. Even to my own ears I sounded in a distant land and my thoughts were strangled as I tried to form them into words.

I think my brain is full...full of too much and ready to explode, but not in the meaningful, wordy way I am desiring. Too many thoughts, too many opinions, too many reviews, too many memories...and too little actual writing to release it all.

Feeling Lost

I am home. Yet, things have a very different feel to me after having been in the states on vacation for the past few months. I feel a little lost, really, as if I have been welcomed home, but the home is not my own. I go through the daily rituals of cleaning and cooking and caring for my family, and everything is just where I left it, yet I sometimes turn to the wrong drawer for a spoon or reach into the wrong cupboard for the cleaning solution. Since our arrival home, there has been so much happening, and I feel just gruesomely tired, as if sleep has betrayed me and I could hunker down for months.

But I think it all stems from the absence of my son in our presence. I await 6pm when I can call him, hear his voice, and conclude that he's doing okay. I walk through our home and don't have his clothes, his messes, his backpack to clean up off the floor. And it has made my life less complicated, less worrisome, less stressed, in simple terms. I have one less person in which to consider when making plans, one less person in which to care for. And that's just not how it's supposed to be. I am sincerely and truly missing my first-born son. Since his birth, I have always had him present, creating havok in my home, just as children are wont to do, are supposed to do. And now, I am lost, his mama without the responsibility of being his mama. The only thing that makes me so is those phone calls that offer me just a slight recapture of having him in my presence, in my home, in my life....and the worries about him that never subside for even a nano-second in time, whether here, there, or anywhere.

The positive side to this is the quality time I have been awarded with Jari. He and i have spent numerous hours just being together, playing, craving an undivided attention from his mama which being a second child has never before been granted. He has asked me more questions about autism in the past week than I knew his little mind held. Yesterday, upon his arrival home from school, he said very matter-of-factly: Mama, all people are the same, right? Except people with autism are not the same as everyone else. Cuz they have a different brain, right mom?

It made me wonder what conversation took place at school, what considerations he makes confronted with explaining who people are, what makes a person alive, happy, successful. How does he come to terms with having an autistic brother, being confronted with problems that a child his age should never have to become acquainted with? And yet, is it broadening his view of people, of accepting people with differences, of making him into a non-judgemental being in a world where judgement and superiority reign?

I am feeling just a little secluded from life as I know it. I circle around, looking for myself, trying to find me, discover where I left her when she ran off on vacation numerous weeks prior. She is not here, but in her place a mama, wife, homemaker with the exact same face, same values and morals...with just a little less energy, a little different form of worry, a little more time on her hands. And a deeper understanding of what it means to cherish her children, whether it be in the form of taking them for a bike ride and baking waffles, or making that phone call to tell them goodnight when the six oçlock bell rings.

Happy Birthday Lil Bug

My dear little Jari,

This weekend we celebrated your birthday. The day 7 years ago in which mama gave birth to my littlest pride and joy, bringing with you a complete picture to our family portrait. And in the past seven years, your presence in our family has been one of importance as your smile lights up the lives of all the rest of us.

Jari, I couldn't love you any more than I do. You are so full of wit and you have the power to make mama laugh more than anyone else in the world. I can be in your presence and for no reason at all, other than you, I start to giggle and laugh and smile, unable to control the happiness that emanates from me. You are so very introspective, and watching you decipher the world and it's workings makes me take a second look at what is going on as well...just how does this all work and come together?

Sometimes I get annoyed with you. You can never come to me and ask when you have a question, but scream from wherever you happen to be "Mama! MAAAMMMAAAA! MMMMMAAAAAMMMMMAAAAAAA!!!" until I inevitably make my way to your side and can hear what it is that you need. Or the way you throw yourself upon the ground, wherever you are, when something isn't to your liking. "I can't walk. I can't carry my bag. I can't...I can't...I can't" all the while lying upon the ground or floor rolling around as if in pain. And the seatbelt issue. My dear son, since your birth, you have been required to wear a seatbelt. Put it on already and be safe. Even if you have travel sickness, that is no excuse to not wear your safety belt in the car. And no, it's not safe if you have it stretched 100 miles long wrapped only around your big toe.

But there are other things in which take away every annoyment we pass throughout the day. "Mama, may I help you cut the fruit? Mama, will you please come play soccer with me? Mama, can I help you fold the clothes? Mama, would you read me this story?" And then, there is bedtime, when my favorite moment of the day is upon us, snuggling together in bed when I read you your chosen book, and you tell me all about the story in your own words after each page. And often, halfway through the book, something else crosses your mind and we spend ten minutes just discussing something that we did, something that made you happy, something you are excited about. And then, as fast as the conversation began, you suddenly tell me to finish the story, my mind in a whirlwind. After the light is out I begin to sing, all your favorite bedtime songs, and without doubt you will tell me "Mama, the two dinosaurs and Sanomi and then one extra bonus, k?" as I hear sleep begin to overtake you. But still, you wiggle, first left and then right and then your feet between my legs and then all the covers shoved off and then rolling toward me. And always, always, I await the coming moment, when your arm wraps around my neck and pulls me close and I can feel your sweet breath on my face as I softly sing into your ear and feel a total sense of peace envelop me, snuggled there next to you. Until you fall asleep and I can't bring myself to leave, because I am lying next to you with the strongest feeling of love I could begin to muster and I don't want to move, to break the spell, and often, I just fall asleep there next to you until Papa comes and wakes me later, and we've both shifted positions, and as I get up I give you a last goodnight kiss and tell you I love you and to have sweet dreams as your eyelashes flutter against my cheeks in response.

Every bathtime, I get glasses of bubbly beer from you, in which I have to pay 5 cents and you giggle as the bubbles foam against my lips and I pleasure you in taking a slug of the brew you have created. Or the times when we bathe together and play games with all the animals, and you sometimes squeal out "Mama, scoot over, you're taking alllllll my space" which I usually am.

How about the times you tell me I am the prettiest mama from all the kids in your class, except for Xander's mama.

Or how about when I hear you tromping downstairs and you appear at my side, a game in your hands, and ask with your big blue eyes looking at me pleadingly "Mama, will you play this with me?"

Yes, my little bug, you turned seven years old. Seven years of life, just the beginning. And I am so glad, for I want to share so much more with you, so many more smiles, so many more snuggles, so many more playdates and household chores together. Happy Birthday my darling son. May life be as happy for you as you have been for me. I love you. I couldn't love you even one tiny drop more.

Love Always, Mama XO

Our First Psych Visit

We arrived at KPC at 3:25 after taking Jari to play at Bokrijk for an hour. Our appointment with the psychologist was at 3:30 and we were immediately sent to the waiting room and quickly received. As we entered the therapy room, my nerves were standing on end. And just as I was wondering what brought us to this point, we were seated and the therapist asked "So, what's brought you to this point in your family and with Kaeden that you're now sitting here with me?" Good question I thought, as all the reasons bounced from one end of my brain to the other. And then, as fast as they bounced through my head, those reasons came bounding forth, out of my mouth, spit-fire reasons all of which I wasn't even aware.

Our session lasted an hour. An hour recreating the havok in our home, the pain and toil of dealing with each other and our son, the problems we each see within our family unit, all the possible reasons for the pain and fear and anger that brought us to those seats at an inpatient psychiatric hospital. It was mind-boggling, but freeing. It brought more to the top than I ever even previously considered. How does our son deal with his feelings? It isn't in words, as he ins't much of a talker...and I'm not sure he could be even if he wished it so. Autism causes putting words together in coherent thoughts to be nearly mind-shattering. And understanding words just as much a game within your head. So, how does Kaeden release his feelings? He doesn't, unless it is in his tantrums, his angry words, his brittle moods and shattering outlashes.

And then, after all was said and done, the stage set for his stay and what needs to be addressed during his treatment, they brought Kaeden into us, to discuss what we had discussed. It broke my heart, as he sat across from us, his eyes never focusing on our faces, his breath a sigh and his "Oh, GAWD" as he entered the room and saw us seated in the chairs. It wasn't the reunion I was hoping to have with my first-born after relesing him to a treatment center for a month. It wasn't the reunion I hoped to have as I imagined a big hug and him falling into my arms, the needy little boy I once knew replaced by a tough and yet unsure teenager. And instead, I sat on the chair, stroking Jari's hair, feeling his body comfort mine , as I watched Kaeden from across the room, wishing that he was again 6 years old, when the numerous problems were just beginning to manifest and show their destructive side. And grateful that I had yet another son, one just as precious, just as 100% mine, to keep me centered, keep me focused on why we have to do this, why we were sitting there in those chairs with a psychologist and counselor invading our family unit, helping us to speak about all the evils we need assistance in fixing, dealing with, and moving forward.

We had the chance to visit Kaeden in his room after the appointment. I cleaned up his mess a bit and then lay on his bed as the background music of my family playing a card game rang through my ears. And I fell into a peaceful sleep there on his bed, laying on his blankie from that time long ago when just the two of us were a family and we stayed in a shelter for battered women, and when we left he received a handmade patchwork quilt with ducks, which has been carried with us everywhere we go since. And the music of my family together in that little room gave me hope for our future, a chance encounter with what can be our future; peaceful, easy, laughter and the four of us, no longer scared, no longer in pain, but comfy and secure in being together.

We're Home

Hello! We made it home just as a taxi crashed into Dusseldorf airport. Erwin and my in-laws saw it just after it happened. We were lucky to have gotten off the plane and out of Germany. It was a strange sight to see, ending our trip on an exciting note.

As for home, yes, we are. We haven't gotten our normal sleep patterns back, but I suppose that is bound to change in the coming day, as we're getting back into the reality of life. Today we watched Jari win his soccer game with his new team, we celebrated opa's birthday with a BBQ, and tomorrow Erwin heads back to work for the first day in a month. And, tomorrow I send my baby off to the hospital for his inpatient treatment for a month. I was excited about it until now, and now all I feel is numb. I was packing his suitcase and can't even begin to describe how very lonely I felt. I am glad Kaeden is excited about his newest adventure, because at this moment in time I can't even begin to fathom it being an exciting journey. I guess all I can do is hope for a positive outcome for him and our family. But it makes me sad that this child I have carried in my womb, given life and love to, is taking his wings and flying off into the great big world for the first time, but heading off to a psychiatric facility for treatment. I am going to need strength in the coming days as I try to erase this worry from my mind and face. Hopefully as I see help and changes occurring, I will find peace with our decision. Still, as I tucked his stuffed animals into his suitcase, I couldn't help but feel empty, abandoned, and scared. And, he's not even yet gone.

Anyway, I have so much more to tell and share and assess from my 7 weeks away from home. But yes, I am home, and I will be back soon.

46 Degrees F/ 8 Degrees C

Hard to believe, but I am wearing a sweatshirt, long pants, and a jacket today. BRRRRRRR. It is cold! How can it be that 2 days ago my kids were running around on the top of the rocks where Erwin and I married with just a tank top, and today it's freezing and we need jackets. Amazing, the weather pattern. But, I am not about to complain, because this vacation has been 100% good. I am happy, my family is happy, my friends are happy, and life is good. So, no way I'm gonna let a little ole bit of cold weather damper my spirits.

Our trip on the houseboat at Lake Powell? Oh my gosh, that is a story times 3 in itself. Let's just mention a boat crashing, SOS calls, and no gas. And then, to top it all off, it was a complete and total blast. Even Erwin, who was most hesitant about our boating adventures, wouldn't mind a repeat expedition. Yes, it was terrific. Truly an unforgettable vacation. No, we won't be forgetting any of it. And yes, it seems that my brother and his family and ours is reunited, which may be the best experience I have had on this trip to the US. In any case, it was terrific.

And then, Erwin and I shared our 5th Anniversary trip to Vegas, Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, and Zion Park. And we had a great time just the two of us. Eating out at Subway one night, our actual anniversary dinner, we had the added bonus of a mouse who came right to us. I finished the evening standing on the table with a squeal. But I can't even begin to descibe how much a trip like this rekindled our relationship and made me fall in love with my husband all over again. The views were beautiful and it was a wonderful way to spend some alone time together. In Vegas, we came out $20 behind, but that was good enough for us. Too bad Erwin was winning and I lost...but he was thrilled with winning his Hooters owl.

As for the rest, I'll leave it for another day. We have only a few days of vacation left and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest. Spending time with my parents has been a treat, and I love watching my boys and them play and laugh together. Soon we'll be home once again and back to the routine of life. I'll be in touch then. But for now, Happy Autumn from Wyoming. BRRRRR!