Language

I got a huge laugh from my husband yesterday morning as we were all eating breakfast. Sitting around the table we were discussing animals and the different kinds; amphibeans, mammals, fish. As we were speaking combined English and Dutch, it got to be a quite interesting conversation. I piped up, telling the boys about zoogdieren (mammals). We were talking about how mammals drink milk from their mother. However, instead I called them zuigdieren (literally translated, this is sucking animal). "Dolfijnen zijn ook zuigdieren (dolphins are also mammals(only I didn't use the proper Dutch translation for mammal))." I was trying to portray that just because they are in the water, doesn't necessarily make them fish. Erwin laughed out so hard he almost choked on his sandwich. "Zuigdieren??! hahaha Zuigdieren?" "What's so darn funny?" I asked as he reminded me the proper word was ZOOGDIREN. "Well, they suck milk from their mother, so the word should be Zuig (Suck) animal!" I tried to regain my composure setting the record straight! Our conversation went round and round as I tried to get him to see my reasoning. He didn't buy it however, and remians firm in his belief that the proper word is Zoogdieren, while I will claim fame to my new invention of Zuigdieren, because afterall, it just makes sense!

Root Canal

I took Kaeden to the dentist for his appointment on Tuesday. It was supposed to be a routine filling at a new dentist, because our previous dentist couldn't numb Kaeden and he felt the entire procedure. I don't think it's so much he can't be numbed, as I think he can't handle all the noise from the drill and sucker and other machines. The new dentist is awesome with him. She tells him calmly every step she's doing and tells him "Kaeden, after the count of three, I'm going to stop." He knows exactly what's happening and for how long he's going to have to endure each step. I am completely impressed with her, and relieved that we were referred to her. She is a child specialist, and as soon as I told her he had autism, she knew what his issues were and was willing to go the extra mile for his dental health. But, as she was working on his huge cavity, she suddenly stoppped and said "Oh, darn!" as she quickly reached into a drawer and produced a ring. His tooth had broken and she needed to do an emergency root canal.

I was watching every step of the way, letting Kaeden hold my hand and dig his fingers into my flesh. It was a long two hours...and about 3/4's the way through I realized I wasn't going to be able to make it to the end. I was starting to see the room spin, felt like I was going to yak all over, and got extremely hot to the point I was dripping sweat. I knew I had to get out of that room. So, I told Kaed I would be right back and left the building to suck in fresh air and get a grip. This is the second time I have felt this way, the first being last eyar when I was with Kaeden during his bladder tests. I never realized I was a queasy person, but having that happen twice now, I understand those shows that show husband's fainting during childbirth, etc. It was very strange to me, and I felt bad that I couldn't be there for Kaeden when he really needed me to be. Whe I went back in a few minutes later, he immediately latched onto to my hands again as I pulled a chair next to his and kept my eyes off of the procedure the dentist was doing. I was still not feeling 100% and was getting frustrated by how long it was taking. I was never so relieved as when the dentsit said "Okay, we'll stop for today and finish up next week!"

So, my tweleve-year-old son has a root canal. It makes me feel utterly guilty. Kaeden has had problems with his teeth since he was a baby, undergoing his first procedure at 2 years old. But, he also does not take good care of them, no matter what we try to enforce. He hates brushing, he refuses to let me help, and his teeth are rotting away. He's only a little kid. And he needs his teeth for the rest of his life. How can I make him understand the importance of good dental care?

Our new dentist asked me to bring his electric toothbrush to our next appointment. She's going to teach Kaeden how to properly brush. She's going to aide him in understanding the importance of this twice-daily chore. And I'm grateful that she's making this effort, and I'm hoping Kaeden will understand the importance of her words. Or we'll be looking at more than just a root canal when he hits the ripe ol'age of 13.

NO Divorce

I've been thinking a lot today about all the kids in Jari's class. Don't know why, but it hit me today that there isn't a single kid in his class with divorced parents, separated parents, or single parents. And what I've been thinking is that it says about the values in Europe...or at the very least, in our little corner of Europe. When I was teaching, there were always kids in single-parent homes, or those living two days with mom and three with dad, or those that had mom pick them up through the week and dad pick them up for his weekend visit. It made me feel really good to know that I'm raising my children in a society in which families don't have these severe issues to deal with, that my son's playmates don't have the stress and concern about parents who fight continually and say mean things to their child about their other parent. I feel proud of my community for making this a secure place for our children. A place where they are free to be children without the adult worries and fears that so many American children live with. And it made me wonder why? Why do Americans see divorce as such an easy out? What has given parents and couples the okay to not work through problems and take the easy out? And what value has been imposed upon Belgians to assure that their families remain intact?

I don't disagree with divorce in certain situations. And I don't believe that people should stay together for the sake of their children. What I do believe is that too many people run into an issue and scream out the D word and then put it into action before they even consider the consequences of their actions, before they have time to remember what it is that made them fall in love in the first place, before they give their marriage a chacne to work, before they put in the time and energy to repair the damage done. It's too easy to get mad and leave. And damage ourselves and our children in the process as we go off in search of another mate to marry within the year and start the cycle all over again. It's so irrational for people to go into marriage thinking there will be no problems to overcome, that the butterflies will twittle in our tummies til the day we die, that we won't have financial disagreements to overcome or disagreements about how we parent our children. And even more irrational to bolt out the door when those issues do arise.

Erwin and I both have parents that have been together since our birth, that have stayed together through thick and thin, riches and poor, sickness and health. They took their vows seriously, and continue to do so after 40 and 36 years respectively. I admire them for this, for giving us a secure childhood, and teaching us what marraige and commitment mean. And I admire my community for taking their vows seriously as well. My children are growing up in a world where family means family, where families support one another, and strive to make things work. They are learning the value of commitment, and taking in the feeling of security, not just in our home, but within our entire community. All these realisations just made me love Europe a little bit more today, and made me hurt for the children that aren't allowed this experience in their lives.

Oma's Hip

Today my mother-in-law is going in for her hip replacement. Her opeation takes place in just one hour and already I'm awaiting the phone call to tell me everything went well. I am so happy she's having this done so that she'll be able to have a better quality of life. The last months have been nothing but pain for her, and she's been unable to go do all the things she enjoys because 1) she can't walk and 2) she's always in pain. Since I have known her, she's been such an active and energetic, lively person, and though she's undergone many medical problems, she always comes out on top. So, I'm praying that today is the beginning of yet another victory for her and that she'll be given back her better quality of life once she's completed the recovery program. Still, every time people we love go through something like this, we sit in a state of worry until we know they are okay. And that's where I am at this moment. It's a pretty major deal, but thanks to technology, it's become a pretty routine procedure. The recovery and getting back the use of her hip is going to take a lot of work over the coming months. I'm so grateful that my father-in-law is now retired and able to stay home and help her. He's going to be a big support while she sits back and lets him take care of the home, cooking, laundry, cleaning, HER...while she gets the fun of focusing on HERSELF, getting well and able to again move through life in her 'get up and go' style. Be strong, my dear omam, and I'll see you again when you're on the road to recovery!

Our Family is Growing

I am so excited. I totally believe in the power of pets bringing a bit of extra happiness in a home. We have our fish whom I love watching and caring for, but they aren't cuddly and peepy and furry. I have always had pets in my life from the time I was a little girl, but at this moment, we have none. Erwin adn I constantly have the discussion about getting a pet, but our lifestyle is not suited to properly caring for a dog (which would be my first choice) or a cat (which Erwin really doesn't like). So, he's always told me I could have birds, guinea pigs, or rabbits. And I have been a bit hesitant to get them after our last guinea pig died and I fell to pieces. But yesterday I popped the question again, and Erwin okayed my getting a new pet. We decided guinea pigs would be the best choice, and tonight he's going to pick up our two new babies. I don't know a lot about them, but the former owners need to give tehm up for adoption because their daughter just doesn't like them. They are long-haired guinea pigs and about 14 weeks old, and will be mine to love, care for, and admire! My kids will get the benefit of having a pet in the home, and they can enjoy their funny little antics and happy peeping. And I will have another two lively little beings to take care of, feed, love, groom, play with (sounds a bit like having two more boys to haggle with everyday, he?!)! I can't wait til Erwin gets home tonight! I'll certainly be meeting him at the door with a kiss and open arms...wide enough to hold a cage of little bundles of fur!

Something Hit Home

This morning I was reading through my favorite blogs before starting my day. This post by Min really hit home. I wasn't at back to school night when it happened, but I have many moments like these in my daily life with my son. With the far too many negative moments we share, due to his autism and aggression (which I am convinced he got from his father...and it helps me understand his father and have a bit of compassion for him, tho I will never be okay with how he treated me or Kaeden in our time together), there are moments when I look at my not so little son and say a word of thanks to the man that helped bring him into my life. And, I am also grateful that he was never involved in our lives and I had enough sense to leave before it was too late. However, those genes play a role, and sometimes I just stand there and see the man I shared a brief few years of my life with, and remember all the moments of fun we had. Of course, I also remember the dreadful times that made him the monster I often think of him as. But, I hope that I am raising my son in an environment filled with love and care and security that he can grow up to be a man much better than his father. And without his father, there never would have been Kaeden, and for that, I am grateful every single day of my life. That man will never be my son's Papa, he was able to claim a Papa whom he loves and who loves him back, a man that acepted us with open arms and has continued to love and care for us through all the ups and downs, staying even through autism rearing it's nasty head. Erwin is Kaeden's Papa, the only Papa he's ever known, the only Papa he will ever have, but he can never be his father, the man that helped bring me the gift of his life. Lucky for me, Erwin and I share that experience together in the form of our son, Jari. So, I have this gift of life brought to me by someone I never again hope to lay eyes on. And yet, I owe him a world of thanks. Because regardless of whatever else Kaeden brings into my life, he has without doubt brought me more love than I ever knew was possible. So, here's the post Min wrote, which got me to thinking...
http://blogs.chron.com/mamadrama/archives/2007/09/going_back.html#comments

Mama and Papa

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!You've got to admit, these dance lessons we've been taking have really paid off!!! What a lotta fun we're having these days!

My Showroom House

What a joke!!! I cannot begin to fathom how people live in showroom-like homes???!! It doesn't matter how long I am busy cleaning up our little love shack, it always seems like such a mess. Every chance I get to throw somethign away, three new things come in it's place. And, as everyone already knows, laundry is my big downfall. I just can't keep up with it, and I despise doing it. I have piles of clothes eevrywhere...even when all of the clothes are clean, we tend to live out of a basket...or the chair in my room, or the top of the desk in the kids rooms, or...well, you get the idea. I don't know what kind of block I have that prevents me from seeing the laundry through from dirty piles to wash machine, dryer, and then folded, ironed, and put away. But, once those babies are washed and I know that we'll all have at least something clean to cover our bodies each morning, I feel like I'm done. So, anyway, my clean house (or dirty) always has stacks of clothes lying around. And, my kids consider it normal if there's nothing in their closet to wear. They know to go check my bed, my chair, the ironing board (which I use to hold the piles I pull from the dryer...why would I need the iron?)...or if all else fails, there's usually something sorta half-wrinkly in the dryer. I totally stink at housekeeping. I never claim to be anything but mediocre. My life motto is claimed in a special place hanging over my kitchen door: A clean house is a sign of a misspent life...and I believe that. Yet, a clean house also shows pride, gives you a feeling a freedom, makes the stress less noticeable, and allows you to bring people through the front door without quickly running to hide when the bell rings. It's all about balance. And my scale is tilted a bit too far in the "other" direction. Time to put on those gloves and that mask and see what can be accomplished in getting my life in order...and getting these stacks of clothes put into their proper place in the closets!

My husband

Last night after going to the Openlucht Museum in Arnhem, we visited oma and opa. It was a nice visit as I haven't been to their house in ages. Oma and I were talking about husbands and boyfriends and what it means to be in a relationship. The entire time we were talking, I just kept thinking about my husband, and what a great guy I've married. So often, I tend to get caught up in the daily grind of life and forget about all the goodness he brings to my life. But, speaking about him with another person, knowing his faults and voiceing them, and then realizing that I have come to accept him for who he is was really mind-opening. There are lots of little things I'd cahnge about him if I could. But I can't change him into the perfect husband...he is who he is, and I love him for who he is. He doesn't open the car door for me, he doesn't clean up the dinner dishes or come to bed at a reasonable hour. But, he doesn't complain when I don't get thigs done, he helps tuck the kids into bed, he picks up diapers and groceries when I need them, and he picks the kids up from their activities. He loves me, and I know that he loves me. He teases me and makes jokes with me, he rolls his eyes at silly things I say, he acts annoyed when I try to tickle him. When we stopped at the parking to let our little car sickie out for fresh air, I kissed my husband in the parking lot. I can look into his eyes as I kiss him and know that it's comfortable between us. We have a good life together. We're at a point where we are finally feeling financially secure. We have two kids that keep us on our toes and provide plenty of interesting moments, but we do a lot as a family, and our kidare well cared for and loved. In the great scheme of things, my husband is a real treasure. I don't tell him often enough thank you for all he is to me. He supports me, he cares for me, he loves me. What more could I want in life? I need to remember to "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" and let him know more often in actions and words just how glad I am that he's my husband. Because, I really am!

Soccer Talk

This afternoon after lunch I was outside playing soccer with Jari. I was the goalie and he was shooting penalties. Every once in awhile he'd exclaim "Good one mama! That was very good!" And then, suddenly, he sits down on his ball and looks at me real close. I could see his little mind was wildy busy. "Mama, when you were a kid like me, you used to play soccer, right?" Yep, mama played soccer too. After a couple minutes considering this, he pipes up "Were you skinnier when you were a kid?" I smiled and told him I was skinnir. "Skinny like me?" he continued. No, Jari, Mama was never skinny like you. "So, you were just a little skinnier?! But you could make lots of goals?" Mama only scored one goal ever during a game. I was a defender. "Oh, that's cuz you weren't skinny like me and couldn't run so fast!" Amazing, that child of mine...always thinking...quick in his little head and his little bod!!!

Money in the Bank

Today I got a call from the bank. I went and returned the money I found, with much praise from the bank staff...and a happy feeling in my heart. I heard the story of the couple, in their late 70's, who tried to get their bank pass to work and thought the machine was broken...and the look of exasperation on their faces as the bank manager told them that somebody had probably pocketed the money. She offered me coffee and cake, then told me that deeds such as mine are what makes us believe in the human race. She told me how extremely happy her clients would be to have their money returned. And in my heart of hearts I feel really relieved and proud that I did the right thing. So, I won't have 2 months gas paid, or 1/2 the repair cots of our car, or 3 months electric...but I will have pride and justice and honesty which will carry me through my life. And, I also have this nifty new pen set...a thank you gift from the bank for my honesty...and an image in my mind of two happy elderly people holding hands walking out of the bank with their wallets full of money...their money...hard-earned and much needed. I feel really good.

YIPPPEEEE!

I Just bought the plane tickets for my parents to come and visit at Christmas! I feel so completely charged right now! I am so happy! Actually, I didn't buy the tickets, they did, but I completed the transaction. The prices were high, but I am afraid if they wait longer, they'll just keep going up. Who knows...but it doesn't matter now, cuz the tickets are purchased! And, they'll be flying Northwest which isn't my choice of airlines (it's actually down there on the list, but it has been awhile since I've flown with them), but the times are really good, so that's a big plus. Mom and Dad will be with us from Dec 23-Jan 1! I can finally tell my boys exactly when gramma and grampa will be here...and make plans for what we'll do during their visit. It's the little things, ya know???! :-)

9-11

Yesterday, I received 3 emails from the embassy in Brussels...beware of demonstrations resulting from the anniversary of Sept. 11, 2001. An anniversary is a day of remembrance...yet 9-11 is something I would rather forget. But, it's not something we can forget, for we're still living it day to day, and our lives have been forever changed in varying degrees. For the people whose lives were lost and left behind family struggling with their losses, this is a day that still burns in pain. They don't want to remember this injustice, yet the memory of their loved one is etched upon this date forever, and they are forced to remember...not just today, but every day. I remember sitting in front of the tv watching the "events" unfold, nursing my nearly two-week-old son and wondering what kind of world I had brought him into. As I tried to call my family, all the lines shut down, and never since my arrival in Europe have I felt so far away from home. I was an American living overseas and I wasn't able to support my family, my country, my people. And yet, I felt safe being away from it all. I emailed family and friends to make sure they were all okay, and was relieved as email after email came in assuring me that they were, indeed, alive and safe, but not okay...how could they be okay when their country had been terrorized? The trip my parents had planned to come visit their new grandson was put on hold, and thoughts about when I'd be able to see my family again worried me constantly. When would I be able to enter American soil? Would I be safe flying? Would America ever again be the same home I left?

No, it won't. America is a changed land since the disturbance of 9-11. It is a country that is still fighting the injustices of what ahappened, and being further split by political debates stemming from this disaster. It showed it's pride by bringing people together during and after the terror, and many continue to fly their American flag to show their support of soldiers and their pride in our land. But what exactly does all of this mean?

Today, I woke my son with tickles and realized that we have survived this injustice, we have been able to find the goodness in living in a world fraught with war, enemies, and disaster. In the six years since Sept 11, 2001, my son has seen far more good than bad...but he doesn't yet watch the news, or read messages from the embassy, or see YouTube movies of dying soldiers...I try to keep his world happy and safe, giving him a reason to smile. Yet, I know, one day he too will be affected by the date, in ways much deeper and stronger than he is now in his sheltered world of mama, papa, big brother, toy cars and soccer practice. He, too, is an American. He, too, will have to remember. September 11th...a day to remember...

Ramblings

What a busy and really good weekend we had. But boy, where did it go? Time sure flies when you're having fun.

1. What would you do??? Saturday morning we headed to the zoo...but before we could go, I had to go to the bank for money. As I headed to the bank machine, I heard it beeping. As I looked down thinking it was out of order, a pile a bills caught my eye. 400 euro I pulled from the machine, left by the previous user. I looked around and then pulled the money out. Thoughts of what I could do with 400 euro passed through my mind as I headed to the car where Erwin was waiting. I handed him the pile of money as those same thoughts ran through his head...1/2 a plane ticket home, 3 months electric paid, 1/2 the repair costs of our car, a new oven, 2 months gas...and then I told him to wait while I went into the bank to return it. But, we were already running late for our trip to the zoo and the line was long (I mean, really long) with only one window open. I waited by the bank machine a few minutes hoping the owner of the money would come back, but they didn't. So, I went back to the car and decided to call the police upon our return home.

2. We went to the zoo nearby Brussels. Planckendael is a nice park with tons of stuff for the kids to play on. The weather was perfect and we saw lots of beautiful animals. My favorite was the snow tiger...his eyes were so piercing blue they bored right into me. The kids had a really good day, enjoying every moment of our outing. It's the first time I have erally seen Jari get excited about a zoo, and it was fun to see him exclaiming over every animal. His favorite was the turtle...he couldn't believe there was no water in their pen for them to swim. And he giggled and giggled as one ran from place to place, retelling the story of the Tortoise and the Hare. Kaeden enjoyed throwing acorns to the baby swines and laughing as they fought over them...right along with his papa, who couldn't get enough of the boss pig claiming his territory.

3. Jari (and his team) had a really off soccer day...lost their game 12-4. Jari played goalie 1/2 the game and I don't enjoy that at all (I always get nervous when he's in the goal...he's a much better runner than keeper). He was also wearing a pair of shorts from something out of the 1940's...he looked so old-timer and it was kinda funny. After their match they led the first team out onto the field for their opening season game.

4. We went into Bree where the fire station had their open day. They had so many fun activities for the kids, and my boys would have stayed there all day. They loved climbing in the fire engines. Kaeden took a ride in a rolling car, and the fire demonstrations were enlightening. We didn't stay for the burning down of the house which would have been thrilling because



5. We had a BBQ. Yum! Just the four of us enjoying an end of sumemr BBQ where we clinked glasses in a cheer. Kaeden had baked brownies earlier in the day and we had those for desert, and I made fresh lemonade which was a treat as I don't do it often. Erwin enjoyed a beer we brought back from Tsjechie, and it was relaxing and nice. After, the boys played soccer while we cleaned up, then we got them to bed, happy and zero problems...what a great way to end the weekend!

6. I tried calling the cops about the money, but can you believe there is no access to the police on a weekend unless it's an emergency? I couldn't believe it. I tried calling different chiefs, the head offices, etc and only got a message to call back during office hours. That blew me away....so, I still have the 400 euro sitting here waiting to go home to it's rightful owner...and still, thoughts of what I could do with that money are runnign through my head. It's like a tug-of-war raging through my mind what's right and good on one team and free money on the other team. I'm going to do the right thing and contact the bank this morning, but it feels a bit like a loss...

7. I have been wearing Kaeden's new Crocs since he returned back to Belgium. They are too big for him, but fit my feet to perfection...I have always stood by my Birkenstocks, but boy, do they have competition. They look a bit weird, but I think they go perfect with anything :-)

8. I did my nails while watching tv with my husband last night...maybe to you that's nothing special, but to me...I quit biting them!!! I've done this before and have relapsed, but hey, it's been a year since I have had pretty nails and finally I can paint them again and not be embarrassed and have to cover up my hands all the time! Yippeee!

9. Jari was talking about praying at school. He wanted papa to sing him Jesus songs before bed. As he started talking about prayers he did the sign of the cross..In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen. But, he said it in a manner that made Erwin and I almost pee our pants... In de naam van de Vader, de Zoon, en de Geilige Geest, Am. (In English, this says In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Horny Spirit, Ahm...hahaha)

Update: I called the bank...as of yet, nobody has turned in a report for missing money. I left my phone number so that they could contact me if they were asked. I feel relieved knowing I did the right thing. If it was me that had lost the money...well, you heard all the reasons it'd be useful...

Sweet Moments

Last night as I headed up to tuck Jari in, I noticed the framed picture of my mom and dad was on Jari's desk. It normally has it's place on a nook in our staircase. I nonchalantly asked, "How'd that picture of gramma and grampa get in here?" Jari went over and lovingly fingered the picture. "I brought it in here," he said. "Cuz I miss my gramma and grampa so much and now I can see them every day." It brought tears to my eyes and opened up into a beautiful conversation about all the reasons he loves his grandparents. He is counting down the days til he sees them at Christmas. He discussed how he saw gramma in England this summer and loved playing with her, but that it's been a million trillion threehundred thousand years since he's seen his grampa (well, a year anyway, my sweet boy). So, as grandparents day comes around this Sunday, we'll be thinking of you both and loving you from afar...and waiting til we can "jump up in your arms and give you a big, tight squeeze when Santa comes!" Happy (nearly) Grandparents Day!!!

Managing Life

I have got to get myself organized. Now that my knee is improving and I can actually walk again, I need to get my home cleaned up and get some kind of pattern settled. Since everyone is gone all day, I can feel myself sliding again. At the end of each day, I wonder just what it was that I accomplished and where all the hours have gone. It's not that I do nothing all day, but it seems like nothing really gets accomlpished. My house is just sitting patiently waiting for me to get busy, and I just don't know where to begin. I need to make a schedule and cross things off the list to assure it's getting done. I hate that I can't seem to focus on one thing and get that one thing finished. My mind is always full of way too much, which backs me into a wall. Last night, I dropped Jari off at soccer and came home and played basketball with Kaeden for an hour. At first I kept thinking about all I should be doing, but as I started enjoying myself and my son, I realized I was doing exactly the most important thing. Yet, I have all this time during the day when the kids are not home to get my chores done, and I need to start, so that when they are home, I can enjoy them instead of having to "get everything done before papa gets home". So, I have decided to start making a daily list. It seems stupid that I can't do it without, but I can't. I hope it will help me get into a pattern and schedule and get our life cleaned up. We'll all benefit if I can keep this sinking depression at bay. I don't know why, but it seems I easily fall into depression...and in order to prevent it, I have to stay busy, be active, and keep myself from being a hibernating bear in his den. So, I know what I gotta do...now, if I can just manage it!!!

Men!

How would you like to start your morning with climbing out of bed, trying to wake your son to groans and grumbles, then heading to your room where the alarm has been snoozed to have your husband start your day with "Turn off the F***** light NOW!" as you search for your son's swimming trunks for his school swim today? And not just once, but 3 times I had to listen as blood boiled through my body. I didn't care if the light was on...it was time to get up and get ready for the day. And it wasn't early, as I said, we'd already snoozed numerous times. Now that's a way to make the day begin just joyously. When my husband came downstairs, I wasn't kind and sweet...I was plain ole mad. I definitely didn't deserve to be treated that way. And yet, even after telling him how rude I thought he was, still no apology. 4 hours later, and I'm still waiting....for the apology and for my boiling blood to simmer down.

School Begins!

Today marks the start of another school year. And an important one as it's Jari's first day heading off to elementary, where he'll really and truly be learning to read, write, and do arithmetic. Kaeden starts in a new class with new teachers and is excited to be heading back to his friends. Me, I'm feeling kinda lonely...everyone is off doing their thing and mama is stuck at home where I hurt my knee and can barely walk. Erwin headed back to work after vacation this morning and our house just feels too quiet and empty...yep, it's that time of year...schedules rearranged and homework and lunches and backpacks and bells...the start of another schoolyear!

6 Years Old

Today marks the day that I now have a six-year-old running rampant on the streets. Yesterday was his birthday, and today he woke telling me "I'm six now, huh mom? Now I'm a big boy!" Yesterday, remembering back to the day of his birth, and even before to the moment I discovered I was pregnant with my little gift from God.... I told my husband I thought I may be pregnant and his stunned reply was "Jesus Christ, what'd ya say that for?" with the look of shocked horror penetrating his face. We hadn't been trying to get pregnant, and in fact weren't really ready to extend our family as we'd just become a family a few months prior and were getting used to being a couple with a five-year-old son in a foreign land, with a new house and Dutch language lessons on the horizon. Yet, I was so happy. I couldn't wait to share my home and life with another little treasure. And it didn't take long before my husband was also happy with the idea. When he took me to my first appointment at the doctor and they confirmed I was pregnant, he dropped me off at school, took my bike out of the back of the van we borrowed from his parents and as he kissed me goodbye, he said "I love you...both of you" as he patted my tummy full of life and love and our new little family member. That moment brought tears to my eyes, and still does as I think about the life we have created. As the pregnancy wore on, going through extreme morning (all day) sickness and a strong aversion to meat, the time finally arrived for us to bring our son home. I was admitted to the hospital with expectations of pictocin drips and getting labor started due to the fact that my water had already broken 2 days earlier, but labor wasn't starting on it's own...but the fact was, I was in active labor upon arrival at the hospital and nothing needed to be done but let nature take it's course. It was a hard delivery, but went fast and at 3:24 in the afternoon we were holding our healthy 8 pound baby boy. His big brother came immediately after his birth and the picture I have in my mind of the first time he held his little baby brother is as vivid today as the moment it happened. It was complete...as was our family.

Today, my son is a little sports fanatic. He gets more wild the more tired he gets, and his talking never stops...by the end of the day you can barely stand to hear another word. He questions everything and as adventurous as he is, has some fears about little things you'd never imagine. We keep a bag in the car for his bouts of travel sickness, and he has a major shoe fetish. He thinks he is the best and strongest at everything, and how dare you even hint otherwise. He could care less about babies, but loves sharing playtime with friends. He's a bit bossy, and loves cookies more than any other food choice. He amazes me. He is the person in this world that makes me laugh the most, with his silly comments and funny things he does. He is extremely shy around people he doesn't know, including other kids, to the point I sometimes worry about him. His favorite game to play with mama is for me to push him forcefully along as we walk, and this makes him giggle to pieces, which I love to hear (thus, the game goes on and on and on). At night, I tuck him in with a story and as I sing his favorite song (two dinosaurs and slaap jarietje slaap,I tickle his face and feet, and pat his little butt. ornings, I awaken to his breath on my face as he shares my pillow lying sideways in my bed. When I tell him it'sa time to brush his teeth, he throws himself on the floor as if he is dying in a fit of fake tears. He makes me pictures that amaze me, and when I ask him to spell words or add numbers, he does so with little trouble. He's my baby boy, my little bug, and I couldn't live without him.

Happy Birthday and Happy Lifetime to my little bug. I hope SIX is as amazing as you are imaginig it to be. I hope it will open up your world to even more possibilities and more happiness. I hope you are happy, as you make me, your mama. I love you!

Home

Our family is now back intact. All of us are home after our vacations. We picked Kaeden up from the airport this morning and I was a nervous wreck waiting for him to come out the custom gates. I couldn't wait to see him, smell him, feel him. These past 6 weeks have felt like an eternity in this mother's life. But upon seeing his face, hearing him talk to me, watching his eyes light up and his smile explode on his face as he talked of his trip, it's as if he was never gone. And yet, he's been sleeping since half-way through our trip home. I managed to pry him out of the car and he collapsed into bed. He's cranky and sad and jet-lagged and tears tug from behind my eyelids as he cries for his gramma and grampa. I just wish there were a way....a way for us all to be together on this far-too-big planet. As much as I am happy to have my son home, another part of me longs for him to be in the comfort of his first home, back with gramma and grampa who love him as deeply as we here do, and it tears at my heart in some unexplainable way. My happy-family dreams have temporarily been shattered by the suffering of yet another good-bye. Will it ever get easier? Will I ever again feel completely whole? I hope that in the light of the dawn of a new morning, after we've all slept deeply and soundly, our family can once again rejoice in being together. My baby will turn six tomorrow. He deserves the sense of wholeness and the comfort of family on such a special day as his birthday. Tomorrow...tomorrow I will again dream of us being together as a family, the way we are meant to be, and make sure that that dream becomes a reality.

Good Bye

I just got off the phone with Kaeden. He called to tell us good-bye. Good bye, it seems the wrong words for my son to tell me as I head off on our family vacation. I feeel a bit heart broken. I'm starting to miss my son more than words can say. And, as I take this adventure with my husband and my little bug, part of me is being left behind. It just doesn't feel quite okay. Even as I know that he is having a wonderful time in Wyoming, I feel a bit cheated. I'm missing out on all his adventures, and he on all of mine. I don't want to have to look at pictures 10 years down the road and remember the heart break I was feeling today. "Remember the summer you spent with gramma and grampa in Wyoming riding horses and swimming and riding four wheelers??" Yes, he'll say with a smile in his heart...and I'll scream back "WELL DANG IT ALL< I DON'T REMEMBER BECAUSE I WASN'T THERE TO SHARE IT WITH YOU!!!" I'm happy that Kaeden is renewing the bond with his grandparents that he's always had, and thrilled that my parents are getting a chance to be involved in his life and come to know him again. But the simple truth is that I miss my son. I miss waking to his kisses in the morning and tucking him in with songs at night...and I'm sad he won't be sharing our explorations to eastern europe. So, my Riley Boy, I won't say Good-Bye, rather Tot Ziens, when you are back in teh throes of your mama's arms where you belong...because even though your body is thousands of miles away, your heart is here at home, home, where the heart is...your mama's heart. I love you Kaedi Riley, more than all the stars in the sky...

My Son-shine

I just got off the phone with my Kaeden! How I miss him. He sounds really great and is having lots of fun with gramma and grampa. They just returned from a trip to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and newly turned one nephew where they went out in a boat innertubing and playing in the lake. Kaeden told me animatedly about all his adventures and I could tell he thoroughly enjoyed himself!!! Hearing his happy voice made me feel so much better, and hearing Jari talk to him on the phone made me realize what a close bond my boys have. Jari told Kaeden that as soon as he hears him at the door he is going to open it fast and give him a huge, tight hug. And mom told me Kaeden speaks often of his little brother as well. I hope that bond between them lasts forever. Kaeden also told me they bought a new car and he got to pick it out. He seemed quite pleased with himself...just as I'm pleased with him for being such a good kid and giving gramma and grampa only smiles and no grief. I'm just completely pleased the vacation is going so well...for everyone. I can't believe how peaceful our home is...no fighting and bickering and screaming...but the quiet reminds me too often of my little boy too far away in America. I miss the sound of his voice, his tight squeezes, his robust smile, the sound of him ceating another "treat" for mama in the kitchen. I hope when he returns home I can recreate some of the peace we are now having and bring it to our family after recharging from being a stressed out mom. We all deserve this break. But we all deserve happiness together as well, and I hope beyond hope that our love and commitment to each other keeps us strong...this time apart is definitely making me realize just how important my family is to me, and how important it is that I be a strong and patient mother to my beautiful little boys. Have a great time on your vacation Kaeden! We all miss you!!! XOXO

Sauerland

"I don't think it's funny. It's not something to laugh about," he stated factly to me as tears fell down my face and hysterical laughter clogged my throat, the smell of burned rubber filling my nose as the car tires spun yet again on the steep, grassy incline. We were in a slippery situation. The hill we tried to turn on was steeper than it looked at first glance, and as Erwin again pulled the handbrake into action, we both knew that searching for the Ginsburg castle ruins was definitely not worth it. "You're going to have to push," he said again as I unbuckled my seatbelt and told him to try riding the hill horizontally as I stepped out of the danger of our car. The first try was unsuccessful as the car slid on the freshly-mowed, wet grass and I was thinking of walking to the farmer I saw mowing another hill to ask for him to pull us out when Erwin gunned the engine yet again and as the tires slipped, they finally found solid ground and he veered back onto the narrow roadway. I got into the car, tears streaming down my face. It was relief mixed with shock, and it was quite funny once I knew we were safe. Yes, that was the high point of our trip to Sauerland, Germany. One of those moments when we could ahve been left hanging, but managed to come through stronger than before. We headed for the main road and cussed the brown sign telling us we'd find the gem 700 meters further. Signs are not something Germans do well. We happened upon this experiece time and again looking for castles.

So, we managed to have a great trip. Except for the middle of our last day when I decided to be stubborn and didn't tell my husband where to turn off the highway and we had to backtrack to end our day and trip on a happy note after driving an extra 50km. But okay, for the rest, it was terrific. We visited castles, toured the Warsteiner beer brewery (and drank a few steins full), took a ride on the bobsled, walked through walking paths with waterfalls and canyons, saw so many beautiful mountains my head was cleared with fresh air, visited the Hennessee and Biggessee, walked on a high in the trees hang bridge, and learned that our Tom-Tom cannot be counted upon in little German mountain villages! Oh, and we got lost in a mine. Another incident that the laughter came heartily from within.

We visited an old mine and took a tour where we went in a train deep into the mine. We were in a carriage with 6 other people and suddenly we were no longer moving, it was dark and quiet, and we kept looking out the locked train doors wondering what was happening when the tour guide was heard chanting from somewhere in the mine "Hello??? Are you lost???" as the beam of his flashlight lightened the dark,wet walls of the minign caves. It was the most fun I had on the trip. It was a bit scary, a bit uncertain, but quite the thrill to be "lost" in a tunnel with no light and locked in a little cage. As the tour guide started up the engines and drove our carriage to the remainder of the group, we heard them discussing whether they had a rope to reconnect the carriage to the rest of the train. Erwin refused to get in the last car when it was time to end the tour and return to the museum.

We also saw the Willingen ski jump which was a great thrill for me. After climbing to the top, 500+ steps up the mountainside, I felt very accomplished. After declaring that there was no way I was gonna make that climb, it turned out to be one of the msot memorable experiences of teh trip. We were able to stand on the jump itself and look down the mountain and feel the adrenaline rush that teh skiiers themselves feel as they jump from off the jump into the air and not be able to see the landing as it curves down at a scary angle. The breathless feeling overcame me as i climbed those steps, but once I made it to the top, I knew it was worth it...seeing mountains upon mountains before me and I knew I had no regrets.


We ate out at a panorama mountain just as the sun was setting...it was breathtaking. And I had a noodle pancake with ham that, though I had no idea what to expect, was mouthwatering! Our little pension in Nordenau was quaint and quiet and we awakened each mornign to the sun rising over the mountain right outside our window. We visited Altena castle which was brilliant and grand, and then headed to the marketplace where bombs started erupting around us..."The Germans sure know how to bomb," my husband matter-of-factly said with a twinkle in his eye. They were doing some kind of re-opening of a bridge and that was their "fireworks". And tehn we headed into the sunset again to home, where we had one last night before the grand finale of my son's arms around my neck in a tight squeeze! Back to heaven after a heavenly adventrue with my husband.

Sauerland, land of 1000 mountains. It is beautiful, quiet, restful, and lush. And so were the days away alone with my husband.

Sitting Here

Thinking...how has my life come to this? I just sent Erwin and Jari to the city to take care of some last minute city hall business that can't wait til we return next week...yeah, I lost a couple bills that HAVE to be paid by July 31. Where oh where did they go? I had them in my purse before I left for England, but what the heck did I do with them when I repacked my purse fior our trip??? I have no idea...have searched the house 3 times over but they have not resurfaced. I'll feel more settled leaving when those bills are paid. BUT, Erwin didn't leave until 11:50...it's closed at 12...yep, if he gets that accomplished I'll be amazed.

So, where are we going? Yes, we're off on another vacation. WHAT? ANOTHER??? Yes, we are vacation fanatics and staying home when we could be out exploring just isn't in our vocabulary. So, Jari will be enjoying 3 nights with oma and opa while Erwin adn I head to Sauerland in Germany. We're staying at a quaint little B&B which is something we've never done before...we like our privacy. But, those B&B's are so reasonable and provide a good start to the day in the form of breakfast...before we take off hiking in the tree covered forests and mountains I can't wait to smell. I love the smell of uninhabited woods. I love the sight of mountains looming above me and valleys that I can peer into filled with lush green trees. I love the clean air and the fresh coolness of the mountain regions. It reminds me of home. And so, when given the choice to go anywhere I wanted with my husband for our little break away, I chose the mountains...not Paris, not Rome, not Vienna...just the mountains...peaceful, fresh, and beautiful. I think we're going to have a nice few days away. I'm looking forward to the time to rebond with my husband, discover secrets that I never knew, hear his laughter, ad take time to listen to him speak...and to look at him over the breakfast table, leisurely drinking a second cup of coffee, deep in his green eyes as the love I feel for him stirs something inside me...the reminded of why I fell in love with him in teh first place and the knowledge of why I am blessed to have him by my side now, through the ups and downs of marriage and family and autism and parenting and bills and a home...yes, the reality of life. My husband is someone I treasure. I hope to really store our reality and live for each moment with him by my side in the coming few days. It's amazing what a few days away can do to regenerate that playful butterfly feeling of those days when we first met...

But, I have laundry to wash, suitcases to pack, and dishes to do. And then we'll be off, leaving our fish to enjoy their twice daily feeding from the mechanical feeder I purcahsed before our last vacation. While we, my husband and I, eat out at a simple little cafe with good down-home fixen's like only the Germans can do...yum!

Anger Feels

Where does this anger come from
As it festers inside me, growing
Bigger and bigger like a rock
Water crashing against it's sides
Breathing no longer shallow
As I struggle to gain control
And release this rage inside of me
The weight no longer pressing me
deeper into the ground
I can't speak for my voice
has become bitter and hard
And I don't want to hear
How shallow and moody
And unjust some people will
say that I am as I try
to find the calm that gave
me smiles before this storm
that rages inside my body
my heart and soul as it
takes me on this journey
I never wanted to explore
Peace replaced by lightning
Shooting from my eyes and the
throb of heat pounding through
my aching head my toes
curled in a tight and tense
little ball of fury as I fight this
demon called anger swelling
in my body my heart and my soul.

The Sea

We hit a traffic jam

Cars moving along at 10

Frustration showing on our faces

Take the next exit to home.

But then the road cleared

And 120 was the norm

We're heading for the sea today

A walk along the sandy shore.

Digging in the sand

And running through the waves

Watching little boy smiles

Enjoying the sunshiney day

As we went to take the exit

The traffic once again stood still

No way we're going there

Black Friday, splendid idea

Jari in the backseat

Look mama, what I've done

I turn around to face a surprise

Shoes tied, proud of his first time

With a thumbs up to my son

Pride floods through my veins

A family day out a complete success

In that one small moment

Nothing else more matters now.

We did finally arrive at the beach and then headed to Madurodam...and know what? It was a magnificent day. Thank you dear husband for going against your will to make it a day to remember...in more ways than one!

aND FOR A FUNNY BIT: As we were sitting in traffic arguing, Jari says to us "I think you guys better go to bed when we get home." "Why?" "Cuz you sure a yelling and being mean to each other, so you must be really tired!!!" Kids speak volumes....

Too Much To Talk About

I've had so much going on as of late, that I don't know where to begin. The trip to England (WONDERFUL!!!), letting my baby go, my birthday celebration, our summer plans...so much happening in my life at the moment. So, I'm just going to add a couple pics and say that life is good. I feel completely blessed.

Ready To GO

The bags are packed, the ticket confirmations printed, and the boys can't wait to get to England. Yep, the time has come for us to take our first Ryan Air flight across teh north sea where family will greet us with their English accents and the boys will again be driven to use their english language skills. I'm looking forward to the trip...I love seeing new things and experiencing new adventures, and this is bound to be yet another. And, as an added bonus, I get a real live hug from my mommy...and what could be a sweeter birthday treat than that (well, besides maybe seeing her give one to my boys who miss their gramma). Tonight as I tucked Jari in, he asked me a million times how many days til he gets to see gramma? And his eyes light up when I tell him it's just 4 more sleeps. Maybe that's why it took him 2 hours, 1000 pats on his butt, and 400 songs before his eyes finally drifted off to dreamland. Kaeden wanted me to sleep with him on his last night in his own bed, but after a long story, numerous songs, and a million things I needed to do running thru my head, I finally kissed him goodnight...I'm going to miss that little boy. And little he is, even though he's 12...I can still remember the surprise of my life finding out I was pregnant, holding MY son in my arms on the day of his birth, and seeing him through the ups and downs of our life together. He is and always will be my baby.

So, I better hit the sack as the time will be upon us in a short 5 hours. As we'll be busy exploring England we'll chat again sometime next week. Have a great week!!!

Almost England

Just three days to go. And I haven't really even begun to consider what that means as far as being ready with suitcases packed and tickets in hand. Heck, I'm in a state of denial. I think the problem with this trip is that I am packing for one week for Jari and I without the option of traveling with a suitcase...we can only take carry-ons and that seems quite a chore....and as for Kaeden, well, I've got 6 weeks of packing for him to do. How to manage? How to manage?

I have no idea what we're going to do while in England. I worry a bit about the prospect of two busy boys cooped up in a tiny house with an 88 year old woman for a week. Are there playgrounds in the neighborhood? Can we find a swimming pool nearby? Will anybody be available to help us figure out public transport if things get too hot and bothered staying with my aunt? I mean, really, I don't epect any problems or I'd never planned to go, but still, a week is a long time without computer games to keep them busy, their dvd's to watch, or games and toys to gather in every hook of the house. My aunt hasn't had children in her house in 40 years...will my kids be able to survive in a postage-stamp yard for a week?

I'm excited about seeing my mom. She's coming half-way through our trip to be there to celebrate my birthday with me. What kind of birthday will I have this year? I have no clue how English birthdays are celebrated, so that'll be a cultural surprise I'm really looking forward to. And being with extended family on the day will be nice, but my husband won't be there...will he miss me? We'll celebrate upon my return home, but my baby won't be with me...it's going to be so hard. Saying goodbye to this little being I have had with me by my side nearly daily since his birth is not going to be easy. Five weeks without my Riley boy...I can't imagine what that is going to be like...a bit more peaceful, a bit less rowdy, but just not the same. Though his antics sometimes drive me up the wall, he certainly brings a sense of energy and excitement to our home. I'm going to msis him to pieces...seriously.

Anyway, I have 3 days before our flight leaves Holland to cover the distance across the north sea. Three short days to figure out how to pack and prepare myself mentally for all this trip will bring. It's going to be an emotional roller coaster...hello mama, goodbye little boy, happy birthday to me, i miss you honey, let's play ANOTHEr game of stop and go...

Bath Toys

This afternoon I took a bath with Jari. He loves to play with plastic animals, and today was no exception. As his animals came to chase me and bite me, my dinosaur picked up the penguin and we booked it on outta there. Completely innocent game and he laughed and laughed. And when I looked down, I couldn't help but laugh either...but what I saw wasn't quite as innocent....see what I mean?! :-) hahaha The joys of toys....

And then, to top off my fit of laughter, I glanced at my son who looked just like Alfalfa...see any comparison?!

Thank You Erwin

This is going out to my husband. Why? Well, he's basically a good guy that gives lots and cares deeply...and he helps me succeed in raising our kids to be world citizens living in one culture while encompassing the cultures and traditions of two other cultures that are important in our children's lives. Last week I sent Erwin an invitation to our 4th of July party. This was after he reminded me that there wasn't much time left to send out invites and get everything prepared. And then later in the week I sent him a grocery list for the must-haves for our BBQ, which he purchased after work one day. And then all through the week he came home to paint and pictures and decorations littering every surface of our home as the boys and I made American flag creations in red, white, and blue. And then Saturday, when we had so much to do, our hot water heater gave out and he organized the purchase and installation of a new one (even tho opa did all the actual work...thanks SO much, opap!!!) while I ran around picking up the last minute stuff for our party...and spending even more money. And Sunday, while I was busy preparing food and organizing our BBQ, my husband spent all day cleaning outside,and decorating with American flags galore to create a 4th of July atmosphere unknown to this area of the world. He carried loads of chairs and tables down from the attic, washed them all, put away the mess of a winter's accumulation of crap int he serre, and then created little America in our garden. And he did it all without complaining. In fact, he was even smiling most of the day and at the end of the night when everyone had left our home filled with good food and the spirit of America pulsing through their veins after lighting the torch on the statue of liberty, he told me that our party was a success. Yes, my dear, it was a success...and that was because of all the work you did to help make it so. For accepting my American culture as your own, for wearing a USA t-shirt with pride, for teaching our children special dates in America's history, for buying hamburger buns which weren't on the list just because you know Americans like hamburgers ona bun, and for buying corn on the cob even though you think it's meant for pigs. Each year as we bring doen the bin filled with American decorations, your world opens a bit bigger, and you look forward to the party we share with our family and friends from all walks of life. You understand the importance of honoring a country which meant nothing more than an intereting place to visit less than 10 years ago. Today you envelop America with teh same enthusiasm as I. You look forward to vacations "home", you keep up with the sports and news from the other side of the atlantic, and you bring it all home, here in Belgium, when you place the American flag proudly at the head of our dinner table.



There is noone but me that understands the impact of your thoughtfulness. Nobody can feel the spirit of America and your acceptance of it but me. Nobody knows what being a tri-cultural family is like but those in the situation...us. Nobody knows the importance and desire to instill pride and love ,n acceptance and envelopment of two nations, in our children, but those that strive to do so...us. And Er, we're doing it well. We're making it work, because you are open to accepting me by accepting my traditions and my roots. I moved here to be with you. I uprooted my life to call this my home. But for you, staying here was just as difficult with all the changes that came into your life, and from the first moment my gratitude to you for all you do has never wavered...thank you for being my husband, my love, and my support. Thank you for knowing my needs and putting up with my failures. Thak you for hanging the American flag, and doing so with the knowledge that this is something that is natural and ordinary and necessary in our lives. It's not just about a 4th of July party...it's about accepting me, where I am from, the values and norms I have within, and making it all just another day in our life. I love you.

My Boys

I was tucking my kids into bed tonight. It's one of my favorite daily rituals as it usually ends the day on a nice note, no matter what has happened all day long. We read stories, sing songs, snuggle, and I tickle their face or rub their hair, depening on the kid. Anyway, it's a time I treasure as a mom. Most of the time.

Tonight, I was reading Jari a story he received from a friend of mine from Australia. It was about all the animals in Australia and he had a story to tell about each one. For each 10 word page, I received a 10 minute documentary about the animals. His favorite was by far the platypus. And when I told him he got the book when he was a baby like the joey, he giggled and laughed and it was a wonderful moment. As he finally settled down to sleep, I started to tickle his face ever so lightly...his chin swept ever so softly with the tip of my finger never fails to relax him. I watched his face as he became ever more relaxed, wondering why I was blessed with such a beautiful child, when he pulled my fingers to his cheek and started to caress my fingers. He hugged my arm tight and then placed my fingers back on his face. And it is moments like these that I feel blessed to be his mommy...no matter what they day has held for us, the end of the day brings me so much comfort, peace, and love.

And then, I headed to Kaeden's room. He is overly excited about our 4th of July party we're holding tomorrow and can't stop talking about the jobs he plans to undertake and the games he plans to use to entertain our guests. Hearing his excited chitter-chatter makes the hard work of a party (when I'm feeling a bit sick and weepy) 110% worth it. He just can't wait and his animated voice proves to me that I am teaching my kids the traditions of an American culture within the confines of Belgian soil. It means a lot to me. As I told him I didn't want to talk about the party any more or he would be too tired to have fun, he started to rub my back...this is something he does extremely well, and I can't help but fall victim to his massage. As I lay on his bed with his hands working their magic on my back he asked me "Mom, do you know how much I love you?" I responded with "Uhm, all the way to the stars and back?" which is his normal response. "Nope. All the way to hell and back!" he lovingly answered. My body shook in laughter...I guess I can count that a good thing??!

Anyway, my little angels who are usually not so angelic (maybe that's where he got the devil theme from??!) throughout the day are now snuggled in bed awaiting the sun's rays in the morning. And for now, I feel so completely fulfilled. This is what life is all about.

Politics

I am not a fan of politics. Half of the time I don't understand what is happening and the other half I am confused about why it is happening. Every once in awhile, however, something hits me and feels completely wrong. And when Bush disregarded the law and used his power to commute Libby from his prison sentence, I understand politics far too well. I am not a fan of Bush. I feel that what he stands for undermines the good of America. When someone with so much power rules a country, the country itself is turned and twisted to be seen as a mini-version of it's leader. And what we see in Bush is someone with too much control, who loves war, and disregards justice. And that's how America is seen in other countries, surely, but also within the borders of America itself.

I wonder what makes Bush so scared to allow this man to be sent to prison and come to turns with his lying and cheating ways. What is Bush afraid will "come out" if he doesn't protect this lying member of the political staff? What exactly is happening in America's government administration? What have they done to tear a country completely in two? Why is it not even about the parties, and more about who likes and dislikes Bush?

I feel sad for America. A country that was built on great leaders and justice and compromise and support has come to this grueling war within it's own borders, based entirely on a presidential leader that doesn't have America or it's citizens in mind. He throws around his weight, but hasn't yet accompished anything in his 7 years in office for which American citizens can be proud. And what can we do? Sit back and wait...for the next election...for a new president to support...and hope that he gives to our country instead of to himself and his clique of close-knit friends (cheats).

I don't claim to understand politics, and I most certainly don't understand Bush and his war cries. But what I do totally get, is that our president just created yet another situation which Americans will be once again put through hell for. And I, as an American living abroad, will most certainly get yet another message from the warden at the embassy warning me that Americans could be terrorized, or to be careful because there is a demonstration against America in progress, or, in other words, to be fearful for being an American.

I am proud to be an American and I am proud of the basis of my country. But Bush, well, he's tearing my country apart. And I don't like him. And I don't like what he's done to (not for) America.

4th of July

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!!

My country tis of thee

Sweet land of liberty

Of thee I sing

Land where my fathers died

Land of the pilgims pride

For every mountainside

Let freedom ring.

America, my birthplace, the land that gave me a childhood and opportunities to be the woman I am today. The land that helped form my opinions and values, gave me mountains and oceans, deserts and plains. The place that I call HOME even though home is too far away. Thank you America! Happy 231st Birthday to the land of the free and the home of the brave. May we wear your colors with pride today as we celebrate the birth of a great country....ours!

Jari's Dream

This morning Jari came bounding downstairs yelling "Mama, I had a dream!" He told me that he dreamed that he came out of my tummy when he was 10 years old and he loved mushrooms and he turned 90 years old and still loved mushrooms.

We sat laughing together on the couch about his silly dream...how could he possibly still fit in mama's tummy if he was 10? And about the mushrooms, well, that is his least favorite food and the face he makes when one comes in contact with his tastebuds is extremely entertaining. When we have mushrooms, which is pretty frequently, he's always required to have just a bite and see if maybe it tastes any better this time!

He also asked if he still has vacation. Having had exactly one day of vacation to date, he's quite intrigued with this idea of not having to get ready for school, watching some cartoons in the morning, and playing games all day long. He asked why Kaeden didn't have vacation, and I said he does. "Well, why is Kaeden at school then, mama?" And when I told him Kaeden had vacation too and was still sleeping, he found that just hilarious. Kaeden can sleep so long???

I wish the weather would be a bit more cooperative so we could get out and enjoy the outdoors now that summer is upon us. But I suppose we'll have to find soem other means of entertainment that won't get us too wet...bowling, movies, museums...

Yippeee! It's vacation! (and not for mama, I might add! :-))

Party Culture

Erwin and I attended an anniversary party Saturday night. As much as he didn't want to go, he ended up enjoying himself...and so did I. It was so much fun to compare the party culture of Holland vs. Belgium. For one, there was no introduction coffee offered. Drinks started off the evening. Then, at 11 pm coffee and cake was offered, followed by sandwiches of slices of bread with bacon and egg on them...cold. And then more drinks followed with chicken legs at about 1. There was lots of dancing and we all laughed as one dancing fool split his crotch, only to be led from the dance floor and return a bit later in a pair of jeans just as groovy as before the "accident". Watching the line dancers was interesting, and seeing the little boy crazy out there on the floor was quite entertaining as well...especially since Jari considers him one of the really cool guys (watching him dance, you'd never guess that!!!). I drank wine...wine, wine, and more wine...and when I stood up to go outside, my world was spinning as fast as Mr. GroovePants on the dance floor. Only I wasn't dancing...just giggling a lot. Erwin suggested I have a coke but I told him the one chance a year I get to spin I was gonna enjoy it. And I did. I spoke to lots of people and one woman's son was an exchange student in Maine. She discussed the schooling differences between America and Belgium. Personally, I am appalled by America's teaching standards after seeing the expectations in both Holland and Belgium. Kids in America just aren't being challenged like they should be. And comparing the knowledge of European children to American children at the same level makes our society pale. What about junior high kids that get 3 hours homework every night? In America we'd have parents complaining that their kid just can't manage to get it done, they shouldn't have to work so hard outside of school, etc etc etc. Here, parents support the schools and engage their children in homework routines and rituals to prepare them for tests that set them up for their lifelong career. In America, I studied maybe 10 days through my entire highschool career and managed to achieve honor roll status every quarter. Even in college, I was not completing as much work as kids here are expected to do. Sometimes I think it's too much...but in America it's beyond a doubt far too little. Kids should be expected to excel, to try to challenge themselves, to do their very best, but they just aren't. It's sad, really.

Anyway, Erwin and I came home to bed and had an 11:00 sleep in!!! It was heaven! The kids stayed with oma and opa and spent a pleasant day at a war musuem. We were thrilled to be kid-free for an entire day...it was a really refreshing change to wake up late, eat a relaxing breakfast, talk about life, play a game together, and still have time to do a bit of cleaning up without ever being interrupted by a fight. But, my heart swelled when my guys came walking through the door later in the afternoon...as much as life is relaxing without them, loving them and hearing "MMMOOOooooooooMMMMMM!" just can't compare!