Ramblings

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? You gotta dye your hair
2. When is the next time you will have sex? We don't have a schedule...
3. What's a word that rhymes with DUCK? Luck
4. Favorite planet? Earth
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell-phone? I have no idea even how to check that
6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? Uhm, the one that it was set to when I got it
7. What shirt are you wearing? A lime green tank top
8. Do you label yourself? Nope, don't think so
9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing? Birkenstocks
10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? I have no clue who it was
12. If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one? The one on the right
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Shutting down the computer and turning off the lights...I climbed into bed at 12:06
14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say? The only text message I have ever had was from the phone company telling me my balance
16. What's a word that you say a lot? 1,2, 3...
17.Who told you he/she loved you last? My husband
18. Last furry thing you touched? Jari's cow chair...alive was Nicky (oma's dog)
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? None.
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? One of Kaeden's...none of mine! I love digital!
21. Favorite age you have been so far? 11
22. Your worst enemy? I can't think of a single one
23. What is your current desktop picture?A sunset picture I took at the Snowy Range
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? Do you like this show?
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you take? A million bucks!
26. Do you like someone? I like a lot of people, all for different reasons
27. What was the last book you read? Running In Heels
28. If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, what would you do? Jump on him and use my body to cover him
30. What is the closest object to your left foot? A toy car

Playing Games

Today, both my kids are home from school. Kaeden has the day off, and Jari stayed home sick. It's always a bit busy when I have them both...today has been no exception, but it hasn't been fighting and arguing...we've been playing games! Jari chose Spiderman...when he came downstairs with the box I said "Oh no, not THAT game." The kids laughed and laughed...hahaha...mama has to play a game she hates. I put the thing all together, 100's (exaggeration) of pieces building the skyscrapers and connecting the magnetized Spiderman with all the demon pieces. ARGH! But, then we started playing. The kids LOVE this game, and their excitement brought me into the moment. I laughed with them, I OOhed and AAhed as Spidey swept across the magnetic board, cheering when I captured a demon! In the hour we played Spidey, I found myself enjoying it, even as I had to refit the pieces to keep the buildings intact. When it was over and we counted our pieces, the kids cheered that mama came in last. As they ate their pudding that the winners won, I pulled out Uno! Now, hahaha, jongens, let's see who is gonna win THIS game, one that I enjoy...and win I did...not in points, but in happy laughter and high fives...in giggles as they skipped mama yet again...in my boys being a team! This is one game I will play again and again, and love it every time!

Recap of a Week

Today: Wake up feeling horrible...my nose is stuffed, my sinuses are clogged, and my cough dredges up phlegm...yuck! I don't wanna get out of bed. BUT, I have to...there's a soccer game to watch! Yippee...I get breakfasts and sport bags ready and then jump in the shower, take some extra vitamins, and head out...and am THERE to see my son score his first ever goal during a game!!! Talk about making it worth it! And it wasn't 1, but 2 goals he made to accompany the team to an 8-3 win! After, I drove Kaeden home...a caring boy with an agenda to take care of Nicky. We got him ready for Scouts and off he went...I am here alone with lots of chores to accomplish while Erwin and Jari venture off with oma and opa for an afternoon in Stevensweert. And once again this cold is suffocating me...but I can't let it get the best of me...we've got the races to go to tomorrow! Zandvoort, here we come...rev up those engines, make my adrenaline rush...

Friday: I spent today shopping...for free, no less! A day out to lunch with friends, a full sack of new clothes, and all of this "on the house"...Amanda's house that is. After cleaning out her closet, my friend Amanda had lots of new and barely used clothes that don't fit her anymore...she's on a weight loss mission and doing awesome...and told me to take what I wanted. Take I did. We had a fashion show and paraded around her house and I made a haul...I couldn't believe my luck. I really don't enjoy shopping for clothes, but this "shopping trip" was the most fun a girl could have. Thanks so much, AJ! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
Got home just as Kaed got home from school and made dinner...laid down for an hour to rest (the cold was just becoming apparent) and then got the kids to bed. Spent the evening playing Scrabble with my husband, who beat me by only 14 points...darn it all in Dutch! Went to bed with cold medicine.

Thursday: The trip to the doc with Kaeden took up the first half of my day...the second half? Well, an evening out with my friend Lisa! We met up in Weert, talked and talked some more, did a bit of shopping, and had a nice dinner on the terrace. Jammer that our fave restaurant is now closed, but we found another with good bread and yummy rosemary potatoes. But the food wasn't what did it for me...it was the company. Lisa and I always have lots of laughs mixed in between the serious wisdom of friendship and it was great to see her again. Thanks for making the trip, and making mine worthwhile. I got home to a quiet house...Erwin was asleep with the boys...and went to bed early.

Wednesday: See Women entry...but during the day, Jari had a friend come to play. It was an afternoon filled with constant supervision and entertainment. Kaeden had sport club, Jari had soccer practice, Kaeden had Judo...and me, well, I had a busy day!

Tuesday: Day not too difficult, but I did prepare a Mexican dinner of enchiladas and spanish rice with homemade tortillas...a bit of work, but worth the effort. Erwin picked up my friend Sharon to come and share dinner with us and then watch the kids for us so we could attend Jari's introductory evening at school. We had no worries with what Jari is supposed to accomplish this school year...for the most he already knows. However, many parents were worried and thought that the expectations of the kids were far too high. I'm glad our son is a high-achiever. We need it after the notes about Kaeden this week being sent to the director...darn...pure sorrow and confusion about what to do with this child. We got home and I took Sharon back to her place where I agve her a coloring and highlights. It was one of those girly evenings which are just fun. We watched a movie, In Her Shoes, which was cute, and I left my girlfriend at 3am with red hair and orangish highlights. It looks good on her, though I'd never be brave enough to do it myself.

Monday: Early morning bike ride to the city, where I found Erwin's 8X4 and bought 6 of them! Also picked up a few other little goodies for the upcoming holidays, then made my way to the insurance company. All this insurance business has me a bit stressed. I am insured in Belgium, but under new laws also have to be insured in Holland, and because Erwin is insured under a different company than me, we've had a few problems. It took 1 1/2 hours, but at least all the paperwork is turned in adn I should be good to go in 2 weeks time...we'll see. Got home just in time to pick Jari up for lunch, then as we were walking back to school, he threw a rock at the glass-covered bus shelter and reacted very snotty when I reprimanded him. I brought him screaming back home where he spent the afternoon taking a nap...I joined him for an hour and when he woke, he was the sunniest child around. We spent the afternoon building with blocks. Kaeden got home JUST in time to catch the bus to Judo, I picked him up and hurried myself to Choir.

So, talk about a busy week. I won't complain, but sing praises...it was a good one, and I thank my wonderful husband for putting his very best foot forward and taking on all the evening responsibilities. I couldn't do it without you!

Handicapped

How can children with a handicap get services? Well, we had to take Kaeden to this government appointed doctor who makes the decision whether or not your child qualifies. Whether he has already received a diagnosis, we've lived with his bouts of irrationality, he continues making poor choices, or the government already acknowledges his handicap giving him a handicapped bus card doesn't make any difference. The decision lies in the hands of this doctor. This doctor is well-known for his failure to address the needs of autistic children. How can one doctor that sees him for 20 minutes conclude whether or not my child is autistic? In a breath of air, Kaeden can be at his very best or absolute worst...and most likely when it comes to making contact with a new person, my son will be at his very best. So, how does this doctor base a lifelong decision for my son at this short appointment?

I'll tell you, I have taken days and more days readying us for this appointment. I have requested notes and compilations of forms from every institution we've worked with. I have filled in forms myself, made copies, consulted my Dutch/English dictionary more times than I care to count. And today was the big day. Erwin took off work and we had Jari stay for lunch at school as the appt was right in the midst of his lunch break. And then we were ready...to be out-of-control parents. To try to assure services for Kaeden, our case worker told us stories about the best way to persuade this doctor. She told us to keep Kaeden off his meds for the day, and then do our darndest to make my kiddo angry/upset/freaked out/tantruming. When we picked Kaed up at school he was in the best of spirits. He was excited to be getting out early and have some 1:1 time with mama and papa...little did he know of our secret agenda...to terrorize him :-( I admit that this sounds evil, harsh and unfair, but so does the fact that our son may not qualify for services that he rightfully deserves. So, we did our best to be "mean". It worked...he got angry, he started hitting, he got frustrated and sad. And me, well, I couldn't help but laugh as I had to do somethingt o hide the pain I was feeling. The pain of intentionally hurting your child emotionally...his already threatened self-esteem being lowered purposefully by his own mama...well, it tore at my heart. Finally I let up...it just wasn't worth it to me. I would appeal if I had to, but I couldn't hurt my son any deeper. How much lower could a mother go? Not much, I promise you.

We went into the appt. Kaeden was over the "torture" by then and was his normal self, yet still a bit confused by his mama's behavior. He answered questions with eyes darting around adjusting to unusual surroundings. He signed his name spelling it improperly, and read a sentence filled with words that were beyond his level of even sounding out. He was his noraml autistic self, and I was so proud of him. Just sitting there next to the child that I brought into this harsh world, Kaeden restored my faith that everything would be okay...with or without this doctor's approval, we are going to make it.

After we left the doctor's office, I explained to my son why I was being so mean to him. With tears in my eyes I gave him a kiss and promised him my love...something I will need time to prove to him once again. I gave him a box of candy and he immediately said "Mom, which color is your favorite?" When I told him pink, he had a huge grin on his face and a laugh escaped his mouth as he popped the candy into his own mouth and said "Well, there then!". With a sense of humor like his, he's going to be okay. We took Kaeden out with us for coffee at a cafe where he had a trampoline all to himself and came back to drink a huge cup of hot chocolate with a separate bowl of whipped cream just like he likes best. We played game after made up game with him and tried to restore his faith in us as loving parents. We spent time enjoying our autistic son.

This message I'm writing is for me. For me to remember that being a parent is a tough job, that life is unfair, and that love conquers all...because I love my son more than he will ever know, and I will do whatever it takes to make his life a good one...but I will never again laugh as I cause him pain, because the pain I felt in my own heart was too deep for words, and I refuse to do it again. So, Dr, refuse us services if that's what you need to do, but I will fight you to the end...but never again will I fight my own values and morals and cause pain to a person I admire so much...never again will I intentionally hurt my son. He's worth more than that to me. He deserves more...and more is what he WILL get!

Women

Today was such a busy day for me...actually it has been an extremely busy week...busy in a good sense as I feel I am finally taking control of my life to better my mental self. I have had very little down time and it feels good to go to bed exhausted at night with a good reason to be exhausted, and not out of sheer boredom with life.

Tonight I had the chance to be among women...mothers and wives, homemakers and work out of homers, outgoing and shy, loud and quiet, skinny and heavy, curly-haired and colored...and I fit right in. I examined myself among this group of women. I am no different than any of the others, just looking for my place in life and a means of making life a place of contentment. I went to this women's club, the start party of the year, and was seated between a group of women whom all knew each other well. I felt like an outsider. But within 15 minutes, I decided to take some initaitive and introduced myself, asked a few questions, and got answers about teh lives of these women. It took only a smile and a question and they were willing to share their lives, their experiences, and let me into their circle of "friendship". I was sitting next to a very outgoing and outspoken woman which helped give me confidence and a feeling of security...excpet that she spoke a lot of dialect which is difficult for me to understand. If there is any barrier between me and these other woman, it is the language...and probably always will be. However, I got many compliments on my ability to speak Dutch and with each compliment my confidence grew and I spoke to them about me, who I am, what my life is about. I told them about my home land, about my children, my husband, and my need to be among people. They promised me this was a good place to be. I felt that by the time I left the party...women, whoever they are, are just women. We all have the same needs and wants, probelsm and concerns...only our life and experiences change the degree and content. I just want to be accepted, to be cared about and be a part. Tonight I was given that opportunity. I'm glad that I threw caution to the wind, dredged up my courage, and made this first step. I am woman, hear me roar (in Dutch, no less....!)

Bed Jumping

who knew???!!!

http://bedjump.com/

Choir

Who ever said you need to be able to sing to sing?! Take it from me, a mama that sings her boys to sleep at night with no real music sense, a woman that whistles as she works, a wife that dances and belts out tunes next to her husband speeding down the highway with the radio blasting...you don't have to know how to sing, you just gotta do it!

I am proud of me. I joined our local choir after much insistence from Jari's last years teacher. She told me it would give me a chance to meet some people in the community, have more exposure, get involved. I know she is right, getting myself out there will be a big plus for me...finally, one day when she asked, I told her I'd go along and check it out. Tonight was my second choir night, and I really enjoyed myself. I couldn't help but resing the tunes as I headed for home, some of the more catchy ones that grabbed hold of my spirit. Listening to all the men and woman come together in one beautiful harmony, my voice a part of that beautiful music...how did I do that? It amazes me that someone with no musical background, no real sense of rhythm or best, can assist in creating something so lovely. I may have oops-ed a few times, but we just started again and I quickly caught on to what piano and forte mean, what different notes mean just by listening. I think Soprano may be too high for me...my voice is a bit scratchy tonight...but I don't care, I can sing!!!!

There may be too many concerts to attend, too many eevnings that Erwin is alone with the boys, too many evenings that I "have something else to attend"...but I am a part of a group, a part of my community, a part of the world outside the four walls of my home...I feel like I could...well, SING!

Mothers

I was reading the blog of a friend of mine this morning and heard yet again a story of a mother damaging her child. I hear this story time and time again, and I am pained that mothers can actually do this to their children. I just can't understand.

I am a lucky person. My mom is my best friend. She is someone I can talk to about anything, share everything with, and know I will never be judged. She gives me so much in life, and has from the day of my birth, that I can't even begin to set her on a high enough pedestal. She is the only person in the world I don't get bored talking to (I mean, if I talk to other people every day for an hour, I get to feeling a bit suffocated)...we can talk for hours on end and never run out of things to laugh about. The only thing negative I can say about my mom is that I don't get to see her enough.

I am a lucky person. My mother-in-law is someone I know cares about me. We have become good friends and I care very deeply about her. In the beginning of our relationship, there was a language barrier that kept us from truly clicking, but the more Dutch that I learned, the closer we grew. This year Oma told me that she loves me as if I were her own child...as I know how much she loves her children, I feel pretty special. I know that if I need to talk, she is always open and will be very honest with her opinion. I used to think she "hated" me as she told me exactly how she felt...it wasn't something I was used to...but now I know this is her manner of clearing the air and leaving no bad feelings behind. She is my friend, and someone in my book of life very high on my list of treasured people.

I could go on about my dad and father-in-law and tell you about all my parents, but I won't. They are as much admired by me as my mothers. These bonds I have with these special people in my life are ones that I truly could not live without. They give me guidance and love, support and honesty. Still. I just feel so grateful. My life is complete.

A little survey

Take this survey & pass it along to your friends. Don't forget to send it back to the person who sent it.
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:
Tera
Birthday:
23 July 1971
Birthplace:
Rhinelander, Wisconsin, USA
Current Location:
Beek, Belgium
Eye Color:
Green
Hair Color:
Brown
Height:
5 foot 81/2 inches
Your Heritage:
Swedish, German, English
The Shoes You Wore Today:
None yet, I'm barefoot!
Your Weakness:
Chocolate, Vacation
Your Fears:
Heights, Losing my kids
Your Perfect Pizza:
Hmmm, chicken and garlic sounds good
Thoughts First Waking Up:
Today: Ouch, my back! Mostly: I gotta pee
Your Bedtime:
Anytime between 8:30 (with the kids) or 1 (with my husband)
Your Most Missed Memory:
Our family vacation when I was 14 to the west coast...it was a perfect family time and we didn't do that sort of thing often
Single or Group Dates:
Single with my husband, group with my friends
Chocolate or Vanilla:
Choco
Do you Swear:
Once in awhile
Do you Sing:
Quite often to keep myself company when I'm alone
Do you Shower Daily:
I better!
Have you Been in Love:
I am right now
Do you belive in yourself:
I believe in myself, but I lack motivation to do necessary things FOR myself
Do you think you are Attractive:
I can be, if I wear my smile and take time to feel good about me
Are you a Health Freak:
Totally not, unfortunately
Do you get along with your Parents:
My mom is my best friend and my dad is someone I deeply admire
Do you like Thunderstorms:
Love them
Do you play an Instrument:
Oh gosh, NO! My musical sense is very limited
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
Nope, except for cough medicine
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:
I've never eaten sushi (and don't ever care to, either)
In the past month have you been Dumped:
Nope, and I hope it never happens...I wanna be with my husband forever
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:
Nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:
Not in the past month ;-)
Ever been called a Tease:
Not really that I know of
Ever been Beaten up:
I got a black eye from my brother once.
How do you want to Die:
Quickly,without pain
Number of Drugs I have taken:
When I was younger I used pot on occasion
Number of CDs I own:
Together we own plenty...but nowadays we just burn stuff
Number of Piercings:
Just my ears, one time
Number of Tattoos:
Just one on my ankle
Number of things in my Past I Regret:
I guess I have no regrets, cause it got me to today, but there are NUMEROUS things I wish I hadn't had to experience...the biggest being abused by a man

Great DAY OUT!

Today I got Kaeden off to school and then took Jari to school as well for his first ever all-day. I made him a lunch and talked him into staying over so that I could have a day out with girlfriends. It was just what I needed to get out of my funk!

My girlfriend Sharon came to pick me up and we headed to Valkenswaard to meet another friend and her baby. It was one of those last minute kinda deals and I was really nervous about leaving Jari all day, but Erwin assured me he'd be fine...he was. We had coffee and lunch in a little cafe and I had a chacne to admire Harry, my friend Amanda's darling one-year-old...what a perfect little guy, sitting so still and quiet while we visited. I do not remember EVER a time my kids have been that quiet in a cafe!!! Then again, we don't go to cafe's much to give them the opportunity to learn...usually if we do go, there's some kind of playground involved. Anyway, I was impressed with that little guys sweet smile and remembered quickly how speedy their little legs are as he took off running from Amanda when we were leaving...he's just so happy and adorable. Just having the chance to see him again after all these months was a true treat...and add that to spending time out with the girls, well, it was just a really super day.

We spent a couple hours wandering through teh weekly market, seeing stall after stall of stuff...I didn't bring home anything but food, but what more do I need? It was the company and satisfaction of friendship that did the trick for me today. Oh, and those couple little whipped cream eclairs they serve with the coffee, and the couple shots of yummy licquor with a spritz of cream on top...I forget all the lovely things about coffee out in the Netherlands. Coffee is quite a deal here, and not the refill after refill you receive in the US. There are tiny cups of strong brew with those little extras that make it a complete and satisfying experience...add to that a few friends and a couple hours time and it's just a lovely day out. It was a worthwhile trip.

Thanks for the day mates, for reminding me I am alive and not a bear hibernating my life away in the cubbyhole of my house. You really made my day! And when I got home to pick Jari up and he gave me his great big hug and told me eating lunch at school was fun, I knew we'd survived one more milestone on the way to growing up...it's a bit bittersweet...

Proud

I talked to my mom yesterday. When she answered the phone she sounded happy to hear from me. She was busy with customers, but in the first minute of our conversation she said to me "Tera, you are a wonderful person. Your dad and I were talking last night about what a nice woman you are. You are just nice to everyone and we're so proud of you." My initial response was "Uh oh, what happened? Is there something coming that I don't want to hear?" But when she assured me that she just wanted to tell me that, my heart was uplifted and I felt so free. I felt proud of myself, proud of her and my dad for helping make me into the woman that I am, this person that she considers nice and giving and loving. I felt the presence of God in my heart and I couldn't help but wipe away a tear that fell from my eyes. I, too, am proud of me. I mean, I have plenty of areas which could use improvement, but I am a person I would want to be friends with, someone that can be counted on and looked to for love, someone with a giving heart and a fast smile, someone that can keep secret yet shout out praises. In that one sentence, my mom gave me more pride than I've allowed myself for many years. She helped me see thrumy anger and fears, my disappointments and sadness, reminding me that I am a good person.

What is so important in life is treating people with respect. If you give respect, it is returned over and over again in so many ways. I truly believe that everyone deserves to be cared about, loved, and given their due respect. People's lives are all wound round like a ball of string, with so many loops and knots, and who am I to judge. I don't know where that string has been, where those knots came from or where that last meter will end up. All I can do is use my smile or hello to help unwind some of those looser knots, or in those tight situations lend a listening ear or do a good deed. Respecting people is what gives you yourself a more rounded ball.

As my mom and I continued our conversation, her excitedly telling me about her recent visit to my brother, his wife,a nd their new baby, I don't think she had a clue what she had given me. Words can cut like a knife, or they can beam like the sun. In this case, I was beaming. I hope that I can bring someone else that same sunshine today, because afterall, I am nice, I am good, and I can pass that onto anyone that I meet paths with today.

Well, it's finally just another day...Jari's 5th birthday is finally officially over...you know how most people celebrate their birthday once and get on with life? Well, Mr. King got to celebrate 5 (yes, FIVE) times. A bit much, but he celebrated with everyone, which was what was important to me. For the first time ever, he spent his real birthday with my parents and that meant a lot to them. He had a party with relatives and friends from America the weekend before, he had a serenade from the Mexican band at a family dinner, he had a BBQ celebration with oma, opa, and Ilse, and finally came his friend party yesterday...teh pirate feast...and it was a great day (with many comments from parents on the super-cool American party style). But, thanks for small miracles, it's now over...2 weeks into age 5, and we're completely done!!! With a house full of new toys and a definite need to get rid of some old ones.

In other news, we could use your thoughts and prayers. Oma is going to the doctor today and will get the date for her hip replacement. As much as I hope the surgery will help make her life less painful and more active, it's still a major deal with months of revalidation therapy. She's got a long road ahead of her, and I feel for her (luckily I don't have to literally feel it all!). It's times like this that I wished I still lived in Helmond, where I could be of more help, be there at her beckoning call, bring over a wholesome dinner , put the dishes away, throw in a load of laundry (yes, I'd even be willing to do the laundry! :-)) Being in Belgium, this is nearly impossible, but I'll still be there if needed, whatever that takes. Probably the best thing will be staying away with my bouncing, active, energetic boys!!! Though for her spirit having them around will be the best medicine, once she's through the worst. We're pulling for you oma...let's get it done and move forward with life!!! Sucess!

I've got LOTS of cleaning up to do today. So, better go and get started. My husband has a party after work tonight, so I'll be swinging it single with my two little loves tonight. Have fun Papa! And come back to us after safe and sound...

Aquarium Treats

First Off, let me start by saying, things aren't always what they seem. This weekend we got our fish back from the "babysitter"(aka oma and opa). They had been totally cleaned, which was a treat, but the filter had been forgotten...not a big deal, but it was quite plugged up with fish slime. Well, the kids were excited to have our fish back and Kaeden immediately asked if he could give them a fish treat...something he found for them in America...a little jar with shell and fish shaped treats, called aquari-yums! He couldn't wait to let them try it out. Well, the past two days the water has been getting cloudier and cloudier, little algae rapidly growing on the sides...I decided to clean it this morning when I got up, start fresh and see if it'd help. To my horror, Jari's fish was dead. I felt a sinking feeling and couldn't get the tank cleaned out fast enough...and Jari and I buried his fish in the yard, alittle hole under the Christmas tree, a little thank you for being our friend, and then a prayer to Jesus to take care of Dory aka Shark in heaven. As we filled the whole, Jari saw a leaf,a dead one, that was made of sharp pointed "bones". He associated the leaf with his fishes bones for which I had no words...unbelievable how similar the leaf looked to a fossilized fish. When I got back in the house, I checked everything thoroughly again, the aquarium fresh with water and clear. I then went on to look at the aquarium treats...in tiny print below the heading AQUARI-YUMS it states "Brand Cat Treats". I belted out in a horrified laughter...did I let my fish be fed cat treats? As I looked closer at the jar I noticed a cat in scuba gear chasing after the fish, with a huge grin on his face...OH MY GOD, what did I do? In any case, Dory is gone to heaven, and I swear our fish will no longer be treated to any little surprises...as many times as I looked at the fish treat jar, I never concluded that it wasn't for the fish...so, just a word of caution, things aren't always what they seem....

Jet Lag

Without feeling really jet-lagged, I realize that we all are anyway. This morning it was 9am when we all woke up...too late for school and too late for work. WHat a stress that created in our home. Jari is the crankiest little boy I have ever met and managed to miss school pictures this morning...Erwin had a funeral to attend and was not going to manage that in time after dropping Kaed off at school...and Kaeden, well, he was doing okay until the stress of everyone else took over his life and created additional problems. Me, I can't take it all. My head is aching and my neck muscles are clenched in tight knots. I think I'm going back to bed and hide away from the stress of life for just awhile longer...

Helper Mama

Today I got to be a helper with Jari's class. It made me feel so good, as if I have a purpose in this world. I got on the bus with the kids and headed to swimming lessons, helping them undress and dry off, dress again and head back to school. Something simple, yet more important than anyone can imagine. I joked with the kids, they took to me like I was meant to be a part, and I relished in being with children, in a class environment, my dream job and one that I miss tremendously. I wanted that class to be mine...but they are not. I am just the helper...as were another 8 moms (who all waited at the swimming pool and didn't take the bus as I did)...but I am still important. If nothing else, it gave me a task today that helped fulfill that need in myself to have something important to do. And what's more important than taking part in a child's life, helping them be successful, letting them know that I care...especially when one of those children is my own. I hope that being a class helper fulfills not only that need in me, but gives my child and his friends the feeling that they are loved...just as doing it brought my heart an extra beat of satisfaction.

"Home" Again

Well, I'm home again. All the dirty laundry covering the floor and the boxes full of "treasures"are proof that we made it back. I wasn't happy coming back this time...I wanted to stay, to make my life in America, to be that American girl I enjoyed having back for the past few months....to create my American boys and watch them flourish under the lights of Wendys, Burger King and Taco Bell...ha...seriously, it was a wonderful vacation, but now I know that's just what it was, a vacation...and being back here in my own home in my new land speaking my new language...well, my heartstrings are tugging and tears threaten to fall, but I must let go and know that this is my home, whether or not it's where I belong, loving two worlds is extremely difficult. And difficult it will always be, no matter how long I make my home in Belgium.

The moose we saw running down the middle of a deserted mountain road, the hundreds of deer and thousands of antelope, the tiny, quick chipmunks and gophers standing tall and still...well, that's just part of what I must keep alive in my memories. There are plenty of pictures, but none of them can capture the excitement of living in the Wyoming world where I grew up...none of them give me the feeling of euphoria I get when I am there, the sun shining in the bright blue sky or the millions of stars putting on a nightly show...

I'll end it here for now. Maybe after the jet-lag wears off and the cold that's overtaken my body levaes me less vulnerable I'll be back...to tell of all the wonderful experiences that I can keep alive, all the hugs and laughter, all the smiles and I love you's, all the good times that were mine...in the making for just two short months of my life, yet in my heart forever alive and shining as bright and beautiful as that Wyoming sunset that passed before my eyes much too quickly.

Calling Wyoming Home

I am now HOME. Yes, it does feel like home to me when I view the beauty of the mountains from my front porch, see the blue skies and billions of stars stare back at me form the night sky. When I sleep in MY bedroom that has been mine since I was just a girl and cook dinner in the kitchen where I know the place of each utensil. Yes, this is home, the place I grew up and loved as a child and young adult, where I come back to with my own family and share with them the stories of my childhood. And yes, I love being home, where I can wake to the sound of my parents talking in the morning, the sound of my dad's truck entering the driveway at night...where I know I am loved and accepted without regards to anything else in the world. And yet, home is no longer home...I have my own home, my own family, my own bed and kitchen with a different layout than the one here, with views of a thousand year old church tower rather than the mountains. I love both of my homes, and I am caught between two lives, both of which bring me contentment in differing ways. I am no longer that childhood girl worrying about good gardes and parties, but a mother and wife with financial worries and children with their own worries to cope with. How did I get to this point in my life?

My parents are overworked and stressed to the max. Never in my life have I been so conscious of how hard they work. Never in my life have I been so worried about their choice of work ethics. Never in my life have I felt so relieved that I don't have to be them. As much as I love them both and appreciate all they do and have done to bring me to the point I am in my life today, I am scared that they are working too hard and will bury themselves in this day in day out battle to succeed. As far as I'm concerned they have achieved much more than they know, and now is their time to slow down and take time to enjoy some of their success. They work too hard, yet when I speak with them about it, I understand why they have to. Yet, I wish they didn't do it...I am too scared to lose them and being home I know just how very much I still need them.

I'm also in a bit of an uproar with regards to my brother. I don't understand where our relationship has gone wrong, yet there is such pain when I think about the point we have reached. I so much want a relationship with him and my niece, nephew, and sister in law, yet I feel so totally pushed away, so alienated from them, that I am scared when the phone rings, my hopes reaching an all-time high when I think it may be him, then falling when it isn't...yet scard to answer the phone because I just won't know what to say. I have left him messages telling him I'm in town, with no respoonse which tears at my heart. I have come thousands of miles to see him (and all of my othre family as well) yet he can't make the effort to give just that little bit. I just don't know where we will go from here, but at this moment, I ache. I ache for my parents even more than myself, what this relationship is doing to them, tearing at them, giving them more pain than they can bear. Where did our family go wrong? What can we do to make it right? How can I show my love without pushing too hard to push him even further away. I love you, little brother, and I care more than you can even imagine. Please give me a chance, let me show you that I am worthy of your love, your presence...

I am so happy to be here, in America, sharing all this space with my children. I have so many stories to share, and will when I have more time (and NO dial-up!!! hahaha). I took pictures of the Wyoming WIldlife on our 4 day camping trip to the woods...when you see those, you will know the peace that fills my heart and soul, and what being home means. What it means to my children and the stories they will share when they bring their own children back to these Wyoming plains. Take me home, country roads, to the place, where I belong....

Wisconsin

We made it to WI...my birthplace and first ever home. We've been staying with my Uncle John, Aunt Judie, and my cousins Jaclynn and Zach. It's so great to spend time with them and get to know them all again. Last night we had a BBQ and Judie's mom came to dinner. She is originally Dutch...her grandparents immigarted to America...and was so interested in everything we could tell her and teach her about Holland. It was really fun and the kids entertained her with their Dutch language skills. She is such a sweet lady.

Jari asked to send Papa a card today. His first sentence said "Sweet Papa, I am sad because I don't get to see you." I got tears in my eyes. Am I doing right by keeping them apart for such a long period of time? Will it strengthen the bond between all of us after we reunite again? I can only hope that this is so.

We will be heading to visit with my grandparents this afternoon. Knowing that they are getting old and I may not have them around a lot longer, I am very happy to have this time with them. I want my children to know their great-grandparents. This is a luxury that many children never get to have and I feel blessed that mine have that extra bit of love in their lives. I can't wait to hear all the stories that I hold forever deep in my heart, times of the past and what has created this family I call mine. I may not care as much for the history of the world, but tell me the history of my family anytime and I will put on a listening ear. (This is a bit false as I am much more interested in all history since moving to Europe and having a husband so entirely interested in it...yet as often as I am told the stories, they seem to be immediately deleted from my mind...darn!)

We miss you, Papa...all of us. Can't wait til you are here with us and we can create our own family stories from a vacation in America to pass on to our children's children. Life, what a wonderful thing.

New York City

Yesterday we spent the day in NYC. It never fails to get my adrenaline running with all the people, sounds of tooting horns, smells of heat, and the lights, wow, all those lights. If you haven't been there, it really is a worthwhile trip. It's amazing. We had a slice of hot, fresh pizza after getting off the train and then we were straight out into the middle of this diverse excitement. Take my hand, guys....you don't want to get lost! And how easy that is to do. We walked to see Tarzan and passed all the fireman doing a Jerr'y Kids campaign. We saw policemen on bikes, motorbikes, horses, foot, and in cars. That of course gave the kids lots to talk about. They greeted some motorcycle police and got their picture taken in the heart of Times Square. Just imagine buildings piled ontop of buildings all with huge movie screens of every imaginable size and people galore running in and out of these, millions of cameras firing at once, sirens squeeling, homeless asking for money, and megaphones shouting out. And people preaching God. And people handing out pamphlets. And taxi's, oh so many taxi's. It makes my heart beat faster just thinking about it again.

Tarzan...oh wow! I just love live performances and this was no exception. Wow! Dancing and music and scenery...Tarzan coming right into the audience hanging from his tree swing. The huge ship traveling to Africa, and sound effects. My kids were TOTALLY entranced. Jari kept retelling every movement with an excited passion and clapped extra hard after each scene. Kaeden just watched and even when asking him a question was too mesmerized to speak. It was wonderful. I am so, so grateful to be given these opportunities, not only for my own enjoyment, but to open up the world to the boys. There is so much out there and Broadway is but a tiny little piece of culture. Even the building in which it is housed was beautiful. The ceilings and walls beautifully restored and painted. I just can't explain it. You've got to see it for yourself. And if you do, just be ready to be wow'ed. There is nothing like NYC anyplace else that I have been. I'd NEVER want to live there, but for a dazzling time, go for it!

Well, today we pack up and head to Wisconsin. I'm ready to see my family, enjoy hearing stories that have happened since we last met, ready for big hugs and that feeling that you get from noplace other than knowing these are your blood. And for creating stories that can be passed down through the generations to preserve this family that is ours.

Thank you SO much Taylors, for your love and care. Thank you for being such wonderful friends, another family I call mine. Thank you for opening up our world, giving us these experiences we would otherwise not have. I love you all.

A Few Notes About VACATION

Well, we are in America. It never fails to make me swell with excitement, coming back to my home, seeing people that I love, viewing Neon lights and open stores 24 hours/day...okay, not that I have been out at 4 am, but last night at 1:30 it was still quite "hopping". I went to see the premiere of Pirates of the Carribbean 2 with my friend Lisa. She is such a beautiful young lady. She loves Johnny Depp. And she wanted to share her love with me. I felt honored in a strong way. This beautiful "girl" whom I love so deeply, yet share very little of her life, but helped to raise from the time she was a newborn. I hope that I always remain a part of her life.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon at Robert Moses beach. From sea to shining sea...wow, it was magnificent. Perfect weather, not too crowded, waves just the right size for chasing you down. We collected some great shells and rocks, played in the sand and surf and enjoyed being with my family...yes, when I left their home after living with them for 2 1/2 years they gave me a plaque that said "Families Are Forever"...it still hangs in my home and reminds me the importance of family, whatever form they come in. They are a terrific family and I feel honored that I get to share in their life all these years later.

Yesterday their foreign exchange student, Jazmin, from Argentina went home. As tears flowed from her face at the prospect of saying goodbye to this place and home she has come to love, tears threatened to fall from my eyes as well...the world is such a big place and saying goodbye is NEVER easy. After her car was out of sight Kaeden said "I have some water in my eyes." What a concept, my son feels it too.

I spent a couple hours with Ted just talking and really enjoyed the time the two of us had. What a great man at 20 years old. It is very interesting seeing him as a partner now that he has a steady girlfriend. I keep resorting back to Teddy, his child name, and do it with so much love in my heart...he may or may not know how fondly I call him that. I hope he does. We watched the National Hot Dog Eating contest...I seriously had to turn my head to keep from gagging. 53 3/4 hotdogs in 12 m inutes. Yuck! I'd never want to see another one.

What else have we done since being in the US? Shopping...Kaeden picked out a present for everyone in his loving and giving way, helping to shrink his large US dollar accumulation. Went to the Crab Meadow Beach and played on the Long Island Sound. Went to see Superman Returns. Ate NY bagels. Ate NY pizza. Ate turkey dinner. Painted rocks we collected. Watched soccer. Watched Harry Potter. Played soccer. Played Monopoly. Played checkers. Woke up at the crack of dawn each morning (til today at 7, thank God!). Ate LTU airline food...yuck...not a good airline food source...even Kaeden wouldn't eat the sandwich, and he eats anything!

Finally, I want to tlak about Jari and his language skills. OH MY GOSH! The child speaks English. I mean, he speaks it at a strong level, not just one or two words. He keeps amazing me with things he says that I would never have guessed he even knew. I am so proud. I feel so much relief that I am doing my job as an American mama. I just really can't believe it. Everyone here keeps bursting out in laughter when he talks cuz it's so darn cute how far he has come in 3 days time. And his accent is just as cute as him. Anyway, he is bilingual...he just hides it well! :-)

Okay, we're heading for NYC to have lunch and see Tarzan on Broadway today. Should be another fun day in the life. I'm just happy to be "home" even though I already miss my husband...

Confrontation

I keep learning as I age. Sometimes it's a whole lot of fun and other times it simply sucks. What I never learned as a child was how to voice my feelings in a positive manner, and that has led to many faults throughout my road of life. When something is bothering you, the very best manner of making it better is to talk about it. I'm not good at this as I hate the conflict and confrontation that follow. I'd rather put on a happy face and pretend there is no pain, but eventually it all catches up with you and turns into a full-blown argument. Not good. But, I am learning and I am doing better with this problem, though I am far from being that person I hope to one day become. I look up to those people that have the power to face conflict. They create an atmosphere for themselves and those around them that may be uncomfortable for the moment, but clear and free of those troubles nagging the back of our minds, causing us more stress than necessary in our already stress-filled lives.

This week I confronted two situations that were bothering me. The first I did on my own, discussing with a very good friend the problems that her being late is causing in our friendship. I wish I had done it sooner as she wasn't even aware of the strain it was causing in our relationship. But now she has the chance to change and our friendship can go forth in a much more healthy manner. In this discussion there were a few shed tears, but nothing was out of control and it was in a very loving manner that this confrontation ensued and ended. We'll both be much stronger for it.

The second scenario was much heftier and more difficult. There were more people involved and I lost my temper in an explosive manner that always makes me feel so little and alone. Still, it was definitely necessary as much conversation followed bringing about issues that have been held deep in my heart for a long time. It is not fair to the person with whom I have a problem to not let them know my feelings...then they have no room to consider my point of view and change. However, once they know my feelings, they are empowered to make changes in strengthening the relationship. And, it gives them a chance to voice their own worries and opinions and give me a chance to consider their point of view. Once you confront the situation, the ball is in their court and they already know your expectations, and it's up to them to decide what to do, no longer laying the leaded feeling on your shoulders.

Anyway, I come home tonight with a heavy heart. Though the confrontation has been long in the works, it was done without the loving and respectful manner every person deserves. Because anger also played a part in this conflict, there was not a positive resolution, though I do feel that one will come eventually with time. People mean too much to hold it all inside. The pain and anger that you let go comes upon them too suddenly and there is nothing for them to do other than react negatively back towards you, protect themselves, with issues of their own. Even through all of this, the confrontation was positive in that it released all that built-up negativity and gave me a chance to sit back and look at the part I play in the problem. I only hope that we can resolve this further by reaching out to each other and remembering the good we each possess. Even if our relationship never comes full circle, we can still live in harmony, still pay each other the respect we deserve, and understand each other a bit more completely.

Conflict and confrontation is not something I enjoy. What I am learning is that it is a necessary part of life and something I need to improve within myself. One confrontation can lead to change while bottling it all up just accumulates more and more problems. And who needs more of those with all that life already throws our way?

Just About Time

You know how sometimes when an important event is coming, you can't believe it when the day finally arrives...your every nerve is zinging and your head is just full to the max with anticipation, excitement, and fear? Well, today that is me. I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to organize all I need to do before our two month journey into what I hope will be bliss. Yesterday I got ALL (and we're talking about 20) my husband's shirts ironed (my LEAST fave job in the world) and ALL the grocery shopping for him done. Yes, he's capable, but I want him to feel free to enjoy his vacation at home without all the extras (meaning us) that cause him stress. He can come home to a clean house every night (maybe his dirty socks will still find a place on the floor, and dishes undone except for once a week), turn on his favorite computer game or channel on the tv, enjoy dinner when he likes (I've got all premade meals in the freezer for him to heat up) and probably fall asleep on the couch every night until the sun wakes him for work the next morning...gosh, I'm going to miss my husband. When I look at him the past few days, I get tears in my eyes thinking about how long it will be until I see him again, making me remember back to when we first met and the pain of saying goodbye. I'm reasuured about how much I love him and how right we are together when I think about all of this. That's the good part.

I've got little piles of stuff everywhere...and a FULL suitcase with just treats and presents...what am I gonna do with our clothes? hahaha And I want to pack light, but always get fearful at the last minute that I won't have what I need and cram it all in. But, I'm going to America....land of 24 hour shopping and looking forward to doing so, so I'm going light. Trust me....

The boys both packed a suitcase of their own to take...yep, filled with toy soldiers and stuffed animals, cars and coloring books, hats and all that fun little boy stuff. Wait til they see that I have "repacked" for them...the screams that will ensue when I tell them 1 animal, 3 cars, and a coloring book for the plane...oh boy, I can't wait! :-) I do have a few treats in store though...a new game and book, a couple of their fave cookies, yogurt in a tube...and they will be fine. Kaeden found all his game boy stuff, we've got the DVD's ready to go, my mind is flowing with excitement about seeing my family and friends. I'm getting to that stage of "I'm going home!!!!"

And come Tuesday morning, bright and early, with everything as ready as it can be, we'll be off...off to the land of the free, the home of the brave, on the biggest day of the year, HER birthday! Here we come, America! Are you ready for us?

Tagged

1.You are in the Witness Protection Program and must invent a new first, last, and middle name. What is it?June Marie Holland
2.You are in a threesome with two famous people, alive or dead.King Arthur and Mother Theresa
3.You are in charge of naming your new band. What's the name of the band? Push
4. You are going to get a free tattoo. What would it be?A lion
5. You are being forced to listen to one song over and over, ad infinitum, as a form of torture. What song is it?Belfast Child
6. You are leaving your state/province. What state do you move to?Northern California
7. You are leaving your country, where would you move?Do I have to do that again???
8. You get to choose one book as the best ever written. What book do you choose?Probably haven't read it yet
9. You get to choose one movie as the best ever made. What movie do you choose?I'm not a big movie buff, so I can't really say
10. You get to spend one day each as a bird, an insect, and a mammal. What bird would you be? What insect? What mammal?A crane, a dragonfly and an elephant
11. You must relive one year of your life. Which would you like to relive?1994...and I would be a much stronger woman and not let myself be abused by a man...but if it's cuz I'd love to relive it again for fun, I'd say 1999, when I first met Erwin and fell in love and it was all still simple
12. Which year(s) would you least like to relive?2004...don't want to go through that depression ever again
13. You have a time machine that will take you backwards anywhere from 1800 to the present. What decade do you most want to visit?Ooh, 1800 then, I'd love to see what it was like then (but I wouldn't want to be the woman taking care of it all with no electricity...)
14. You must choose to go skydiving or very-deep-sea diving.Deep sea diving...the thrill would be greater with skydiving, but I'm scared of heights and have always wanted to go diving anyway
15. You get to return to the past (using that handy dandy time machine we were talking about before) and have a sexual encounter with a rock star who is no longer alive. Who do you pick?hahaha, first person that came to mind was Kurt Cobain...and since I don't care, I'll stick with it
16. You get to be a contestant on any game show, airing today or in the past. What show do you want to be on?Let's Make A Deal
17. You are given $1 million dollars but you must give it all to one charity. What charity do you choose?I'd create an autism charity I can fully trust to use the funding wisely for research and cure
18. You must ban one word from the dictionary and all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What word do you ban?well, I grabbed my dictionary, opened it up and pointed and the word was "gloat"
19. You can have 100 million dollars tax-free but if you take it, you'll die at the age of fifty. Do you take it?Ha, then I only have 15 years yet to live and I'm looking forward to a retirement future traveling with my husband...and then the grandkids of course...
20. There is no number 20.

Integration

Integrating into scociety. Hmmm, what does that mean to me? I thought I had it licked when I attended all the classes to learn to speak Dutch, the culture classes I was required to attend learning about the government, geography, schooling, customs, etc in Holland. I passed all the tests with flying colors and was proud of my accomplishments, even if I realized the goverment definition of integrated didn't exactly make me a person integrated into society. All the cultural differences are just too great and will take a lifetime to come to terms with. However, I could live here and happy, be understood and understand in terms of language and the reasons behind their ways of thinking and working. Good. Integrated...or not?

Pop, we move off to Belgium. Another new country, with new challenges and customs, another language. I'm once again lost. Since moving to Belgium, I feel less integrated. I haven't taken the steps to become a full member of our community, I have no concept of how things work, the language continues to baffel me when the people speak in their native dialect, which is natural to them rather than the true Dutch. I've realized how much I don't understand in simple things, like making playdates with Jari's friends. I asked a mom if her son could come play one day on a Friday afternoon. "Friday?" she asked with shock. Normally Wednesday is play day as kids have afternoons off. She agreed to let her son come on Friday, but it was very uncomfortable for me when I realized the mistake I had made. And then there is the sharing custom...if your child goes to another's home, you are expected to reciprocate the following time. Okay, this I can get. However, when Jari is invited to 3 different kids in 3 weeks, then how can I reciprocate before getting those weird looks from the moms wondering why I haven't asked their child to come play...throw in a couple birthday parties in the mix and my schedule is really oof whack. And this is just one small example. In Holland, playdates were made at teh school and the kids came home with you diretly following lessons, whatever the day. Here, it is a definite weekly schedule. I'm getting used to it.

I signed myself up to join the women's club in our village next year. I want to be more a part, speak to people by name when I see them on the street rather then giving my usual smile and nod of the head. I want to be able to have a conversation with teh moms as we wait for our children at school rather than always talking about "the weather" if I get into the conversation at all. I want to be invited to have coffee at someone's home after dropping the kids off rather than returning to my own empty nest. I want to fit in, darn it all! So, I joined this club and I hope it will bring me a bit of constructive time for myself doing activities I enjoy, such as the cooking classes, flower arranging, and trips to different museums. I'm looking forward to it, though I admit I am also scared. I wish I could at least understand the Limburg dialect so I wouldn't have to say "Sorry?" everytime someone started speaking to me. And in groups, my level of understanding is even lower. All the different conversations taking place make your mind go a bit crazy and it's difficult to focus on one conversation. Add to that a bit of music or other background noise and your brain really takes a beating. I'm usually exhausted after a group function, unless I have just tuned it all out and turned into a loner during the party.

Anyway, Jari's teacher asked me to join the village choir a couple days ago. Doesn't matter that I can't sing worth a darn, it will help me better integrate and have a few friends she told me. It meets weekly and it's more a social gathering I take it, though they do give a few concerts every eyar. So, should I go? I do want to be integrated to this village society and I would like my own personal friendships...however, choir??? That's something I haven't given a thought to sicne I dropped out of junior high choir in 8th grade....hmmm...tune for thought, I suppose.

Wedding Customs

A wedding...a celebration of the love between a man and woman (or other, if you are gay or lesbian) , a promise for a future together...and people are invited to this celebration to share with us in our commitment of love. Well, Erwin has been invited to a wedding of his colleague at work. This has happened in the past as well and it's just something I don't understand. Erwin was invited, I was not. Okay, so I don't know the couple, have never met them or even seen them as the guy is new in Erwin's office. And I can understand inviting colleagues to the celebration if you so choose. What I can't understand is not inviting their partner. If this is a celebration of love and marraige, shouldn't I be able to attend with MY husband, my partner and my love? Why should he go off to a celebration of marraige without his wife? Really, I don't care about going to this wedding. I hope Erwin has a good time, a chance to get out and socialize on a personal level with his colleagues...but the philosophy behind this just seems irrational to me. I realize it saves money by not inviting everyone and their "dog", but then why invite the colleagues either? What's another $100 when it comes to wedding costs? This is a very personal celebration...why is it expected to invite people from work. In most cases, colleagues are work friends, not personal friends. Still, it is the custom here. As is the different forms of invitations. It takes an entire class to understand invitations to things here. There are the wedding invites, the reception invites, and the party invites...which you get is your level of closeness with the couple. As colleagues, you are generally only invited to the party. This is also a case with funerals. I am always confused by where I am suppsoed to be and when when we receive an invitation in the mail.

I just think it is interesting, this difference between my home and my home. Although it doesn't much matter to me, I wish I could understand the concept behind this wedding experience. I just don't get it...

Hospital

Well, Jari's surgery is over. He did great and claims he can hear lots better. I hope this is true. It's very hard for a mama to go through an operation with her child. As much as you know it will offer them a better life, it is so difficult allowing your child to be put under and know what consequences *could* come from this. As I held Jari while we waited for his pre-medicine "juice" to start working, tears streamed down my face. My baby was like a drunken soldier, claiming to have wings with which he could fly and fingers which could jump. He resisted the need to relax and tried sitting and speaking with no positive results. As I gave him a last kiss at the doors of the opeartion room and returned to his own empty little hospital room with a beautifully painted ceiling, I tried to hold back the sobs that wanted to escape...I just wanted my baby in my arms. After an hour my wait was over and I had a drowsy but fixed Jari in my arms...where he slept for another 2 hours. I didn't want to put him down, but finally my arms gave out and I left him to sleep in his bed and I just watched him, so happy to have him in my life. I also thought back so many times to my early years with Kaeden...the daily trips to docs and hospitals, the code blue and such a panicking fear that raced through my body, the many IV's and breathing treatments, the days and nights waking up in a hospital room while my son laid in his bed, surrounded by plastic tents which gave him the oxygen he needed to breathe...reading stories and playing games inside his healthy bubble with him. With Jari, this was a one-time deal, no less scary, but with more hope of success, no fear that we may need to return again tomorrow. With Kaeden, we lived in the hospital for weeks at a time and knew that the next visit wouldn't be far away...when would his breathing become labored and when would we go to a doctor that requested immediate assistance from an ambulance to get him there in time to save his life? As many times as I went through his attacks with him, I could never judge myself when the situation was life-threatening...or rather, I was embarrassed that I'd bring him to the hospital only to be sent away with rolling eyes from the hospital staff over the worried single mama on state medical assistance using up their precious tax dollars. That was my place then, but as I have matured as a mother and realized what precious gifts my children are, I no longer worry about what anyone else thinks...I do what feels right, for myself and my child. I take them to appointments when I think it is needed regardless whether the doctor feels my need is justified. I am a mama and I am the very best judge of my children's health. I may not know all those medical terms, I may not know exactly where to feel for an inflamed intestine or see fluid behind my child's ear, but I know the signs...I know that a tummy ache comes from stress or obstruction, I know that if I whisper my son won't hear me, I know the look of gloomy eyes and the red cheeks of a fever even behind a smile. I know my children.

This experience with Jari has been good all around. My son had a tummy ache for 5 hours yesterday but afterwards he was back to his normal, active, vibrant self. He was playing in the sand box and playing chase with his big brother. He is a picture of good health, as is my once sickly little Riley boy. My daily worries and struggles have changed, but I am no longer timid and afraid of pitied glances. My children are my world, and they deserve health and happiness...and darnit all, that's what they'll get if this mama bear has anything to say about it all.

No diversity

I was just looking again at Jari's school picture and realize we live in a society with zero racial diversity. In his school I believe that there are 2 families with a race other than caucasian. There is a mother and little girl new to the school who are black and another family with a mother from the Antilles with a bit darker skin. We have no muslims, no Native Americans, no asians...no other races than middle-class white...and very little diversity. As I looked at the picture, I was astounded at what a white world my children are being brought up in. Okay, they are all cute kids and many of them bring smiles to my face on a daily basis...but how can I teach my children about the diverse world with such a tiny viewpoint living in our white, farming community? I could use some help on this front....

Babies

My girlfriend called me last night. I haven't talked to her in awhile as we're both busy moms...well, she gave me the news that she's expecting a baby in August...her 4th! I am so happy for her, her husband and their 3 kids. They are a wonderful family and one of those friends of a lifetime I talked about earlier. She talked about how much company they are having this summer and I jokingly told her she's lucky we're not coming too...hahaha. Really, I wish we could see her, but one trip to America can only fit in so many friends, so much family. And still be a vacation, if you know what I mean....

Anyway, I was thinking about babies. Normally, when I see a new baby, or hear about a new one to come, I am thinking about myself and "maybe just one more." Well, I am officially over my baby fever. When Gianna told me she was due, all I felt was relief that it wasn't me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE babies, I love children, but my two keep me "entertained" enough. I have just enough patience for the two of them, just enough love, just enough of mama to go around for my two little guys. I'm sure I could stretch myself further if another were to come along, but I don't need another child. I am content with the family I have been blessed with. I always dreamed of having a little girl, but God has realized my ability of mothering boys and given me my handful, and I am so happy with that. Besides the fact that my husband absolutely without a doubt wants no more children...that helps solidify my own feeling.

So, I resign myself to being the mother that I am and loving the babies of all my friends instead. And I will do it from this point forth with no more jealously, no more need, no more desire. I have given enough to the world, and that's putting it mildly! hahaha Good luck, Gianna, with your diapers and wipes, cute tiny clothes, strollers and car seats. And I know that you will be happy to be blessed once again with one of God's most precious gifts. And thank you for making me realize that I have all that I need, right here in my home and my heart!!!

Mentos and Diet Coke

So, has anyone heard about this new rage in America? I think it's hilarious. Erwin can't wait to start creating his own messes!!! We were totally amazed at how many videos there are online showing these explosions. Anyway, have a peek. As I told my husband, this is definitely a healthier high than huffing...
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1450915772177922792

Time for Shorts

It is hot. I've got all the windows and curtains closed to try and keep the house cooled off, but it's still seeping through. It's 36 degrees (97 F) today and inside 27 (80), reading from our weather monitor, it's plain ole hot. And as much as I love the sun, it's really not very nice outside (or inside) today. I think the hardest was that it came upon us so suddenly...weeks on end of below normal temps and then, boom, a heatwave. Anyway, I got out my shorts. Yep, time to encounter that dreaded F word...FAT!

I have a weight problem...have most of my life and it really is no fun. Putting on a pair of shorts is for most people a sign of fun and sun, but for fat people it comes with a bit of dread. Yep, people can actually see your cellulite, see all that heavy flesh, see that you're fat. As if they can't in winter clothing...yeah right. But still, for me, putting on shorts gives people more opportunity to notice the extra skin, notice that I am fat. Once those shorts cover your big bum, they no longer look at that nice woman hiding under the cover of her clothes, they don't see the pretty eyes or stunning smile, rather the skin...and white it is after hiding under that bulky winter protection. It's easy to say "Get motivated. Lose some weight. Quit eating so much." But the reality of those words is really much more complicated. If the dread of being in public isn't enough to change our eating patterns and lifestyle, to give us the motivation to lsoe weight, nothing will. It is no fun.

Summer means heading to the amusement parks and going on thrilling rides. For fat people, it means shaking in fear that you will fit in the seat, that the bar will close and leave you room to breathe. Summer means travel and vacation. To fat people it means the added worry of whether the airline will allow you on the plane without purchasing a second seat, or the embarrassment of needing a seat belt extender. And forget about trying to lower that table... Summer means swimming at the local pool. For fat people that dare to be seen in a swimsuit it means lowering your level of enjoyment and watching as people glance your way, noticing the skin hanging out of the suit, looking at you in either disgust or pity. Summer means sitting on a terrace with a thirst-quenching beer. For fat people it means wondering if you will fit in the chair, if it will hold your weight, if you can sit "just so" and squeeze in without too much hassle. Summer means fun! But for fat people, summer comes with an added bonus of ridicule.

I don't enjoy being fat. But once you're here, it's very hard to change. I'd love to be healthy and feel energetic and free to be me, but my weight stops me from that intense enjoyment. I want to change, but where do I get that motivation, that willpower, that utter need. I want my husband to walk with me in pride, my children to proudly proclaim THAT is my mama...luckily me husband and children are accepting of me for the woman that I am. They love me through the extra layers of my skin. They know I am giving and loving and good. They would still like to see me healthier, thinner, with more to offer in terms of running in the park, playing soccer without being out of breath, able to keep up with them, and not be embarrassed when we enter the gates of the amusement park. I am lucky they love me as I am, because I certainly don't love myself as I should.

So, as I don those shorts on this hot summer day, I hope that I also don a new love for myself. A love great enough to take care of me, to allow myself to enjoy life and be the outgoing woman I am without hiding in shame. To pull on not only that pair of shorts, but a motivation deep inside...to be the best that I can be...to be HOT!

America's Cheering Section

Overwhelming

UPDATE: 7:50pm- America has disappointed me :-( Biggest defeat to date in the WK. 0-3 It was somewhat what I expected (not quite so big a loss tho) but not what I had hoped. It wasn't without this American cheering section tho...On to game 2...


I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There is so much to do before we leave for America this summer. I've got 3 weeks to get everything together...all the paperwork, cleaning, organizing, packing, etc. Since we'll be gone from home a full 2 months it just feels really unsure. Erwin will still be home, but I won't be...and I'm the one that usually takes care of all the household stuff. Before we leave I have arranged appointments with Kaed's pediatrician, his orthodontist, his caseworker. For Jari we have surgery scheduled next week. The boys both have end of year school parties the following 2 weekends and we've scheduled a day out with oma, opa, and Ilse as a summer treat before we take off. Jari has a birthday party to attend this week, the soccer coach will be visiting us in the next days, and I have prescriptions and medical passports to get organized, as well as all the paperwork for registering Kaeden's handicap. And then there's just all the regular stuff, including the World Cup. I am not a list maker even though in this case it would be helpful. Lists just make me crazy. Erwin knows how I am, starting one job and becoming distracted by another and so it goes throughout the day. When I fill a bucket of water to scrub the floors, by the time I am done cleaning the mirrors, putting away the laundry and dishes, thawing the meat for dinner, and toting toys upstairs, the water is already cold. That's just how I operate. I am disorganized and that's what makes me, me! A woman of disorganized chaos in my own "organized" fashion....HA!

Tonight America plays in the World Cup. Yesterday I was so excited about Nederland's game. I'm looking forward to watching America, but with less enthusiasm than I had with Holland. I haven't made a cake or decorated, though I will don my American t-shirt in support of my home land. I think it has somethign to do with the fact that America has little to no chance of going far in this tournament. Maybe a bit pessimistic, and if we win tonight I'll be more up to the challenge of the following games. Hmmm, patriotic I'm not in this instance and I feel guilty about it. Strange, but I do. I feel like I should be entering with optimism, but my spirit plays a different tune...and makes me question my American self. Hmph...

Well, as you can see, even my thoughts are disorganized right now. I have too much circling through this little brain of mine and not enough room to hold it all. Plus, I can't help but worry about missing my husband for 5 weeks...that's a long time to be gone from someone you're used to seeing everyday. But, we've done it befroe and will do it again.

So, time to go get something done. Got to cheer for Australia this afternoon in the game against Japan. Promised my Aussie mate I'd give her team a lil help...

Disorganized organization...that's where I'm at today...

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day in Belgium. Papa had a sleep in and we surprised him with a yummy breakfast and gifts hidden all over the garden. His sons did a great job reading and reciting their poems and he received their handmade school treasures with many smiles. I think he fared quite well. But maybe the biggest gift for this Nederlandse Papa is the upcoming soccer game this afternoon...it is Nederland's first game in the World Championships and I can assure you the blood is pumping throughout our house...as is the orange in the form of flags, banners, lamps, t-shirts and painted faces. I even made an orange cheesecake turned into a soccer ball as a special surprise for Papa. We are READY! I can't tell you how high the excitement is here today. It is a passion flowing through our veins, a love of our country and our sport, a tradition passed down to our children. I say we, becuase I, too, am totally psyched about this tournament. I couldn't wait for the first game on Friday, but today the hours are just barely ticking by as we wait for 3pm to arrive. It's almost here!!! As Erwin hangs the last lamp and I repaint the boys faces with soccer balls and Nederlandse vlaggen, all I can hear repeating itself in my head is HUP HOLLAND HUP!!! I sure hope they win. They are in a tough bracket, but with our support, surely they will take the lead. And what a super gift for Papa to cheer about on this Father's Day!!! Happy Father's Day Papa...we already know the best man is the winner...

UPDATE: 5pm: GEWONNEN!!!!! We Won! 0-1 against Serbia...we're all feeling pretty happy with the Orange!

My Baby Brother

I got a call from my baby brother last night. He may be a man of 28 with his own home, a wife, and baby number one on the way, but he's still my baby brother...and always will be. It was so good talking to him. It's been a few months since we've been able to make contact and it felt so good hearing his voice and hearing all that's happening in his life. He sounds excited about the baby on the way (but not as excited as I am...hahaha) and we talked lots of baby talk. I just couldn't leave the topic alone. I am so thrilled for him and his wife. I can't imagine anyone I think will be a better father. He's very easy going and laid back and has many hobbies. He's sensible to a fault and very secure. He's just a great guy. So, I asked my baby brother if he ever talks to his son. There was a moment of stunned silence as he wondered if I had gone nuts...could my sister possibly ask me that, he was wondering. And yes, she was! I wanted to hear about that sensitive male side that craved a chance to let his son know him. I wanted to hear that already his darling little boy knew how much his daddy loves him. I wasn't disappointed. As I proceeded to tell him about Erwin talking to Jari through the walls of my tummy, he finally admitted that he has talked to the baby, but "not had any real conversations", with a little laugh! It was one of those moments in time when I was reminded of my brother, what a private person he is, how he would never tell a secret, how he's someone you could trust without a moment of worry. I'm so glad I have someone like him in my life. He keeps me centered in that way only a brother like him can. I'm glad I had the chance to be his horse and rear up with him smiling and laughing when he was 2. I'm glad I had the chance to cheer him on through baseball game after baseball game summer after summer. I'm glad I had the chance to attend his marriage ceremony and make a speech filled with meaningful words. I'm glad I had the chance to visit his first home and take a tour of his treasured land. I'm glad I had a chance to be his sister. My baby brother, I am so proud of you. You can't begin to imagine all the good you have brought into my life...and how much more there is yet to come, especially with the birth of your firstborn child, your son. I love you, Chez.

Personality Test

I was surprised at how accurate this test was for me and would like to read the whole thing...not willing to spend the extra dough to do so, however...anyway, here's my results and the link if you want to have a go....
http://www.personality100.com


Tera, your Personality Summary
Key Areas of your Personality
Your personality stands out from the average person's particularly in the areas of:
Your High Curiosity Level
Your High Emotional Reactivity Level
Your High Multi-tasking Ability
Your High Need for Variety
Your High Empathy/ Sensitivity Level

Subset of your Personality Measurement:
Social Need- ~45%
Openness- ~55%
Approval Need- ~53%
Ability to Focus- ~25%
Emotionality- ~85%
Reliance on Intuition- ~82%
Tolerance for Change- ~80%
Your personality is made up of a unique pattern of traits. These traits impact the way you think, feel, and behave on an everyday basis.
Your Interaction Style:
You scored 45 in the area of extroversion/ introversion, which means that your energy is directed primarily inward, rather than outward. Your mixed score in this trait creates an interesting and alluring combination of traits: You are social yet also very reflective and introspective. You like to be around people, but too much interaction drains your energy. You need to retreat every once in a while in order to recharge your batteries. Keep these needs in mind when choosing the ideal work situation for you, otherwise you won't feel happy.
Social patterns: You are left-brained when it comes to recognizing emotions in other people. When you look at a person's face you focus on what you see on the right. This is a unique way of viewing the world. You are likely to be sensitive to 'micro-expressions' - the tiny movements of the muscles in the face that occur, for example, when someone is telling a lie. Hearing preferences are an interesting exception to this left-right crossover. For example, if two people were talking behind a closed door and you needed to put your ear on the door to hear, you would tend to use your left ear instead of your right.

Speed

What is it about speed that gives me such a rush? Knowing that it gives me such a rush, why can't I push myself to go faster, have more energy, get more accomplished, live life filled with that adrenaline pulsing through my body...speed, the sound of speed, the thrill of speed, the exhaustion that comes when all is still and the pumping blood begins to slow...

This weekend we went to the races. Race cars with motors so loud you hear the crashing with each beat of your heart. It fills you with this total free and energetic keenness and with the pumping of your blood you reach out for that euphoria, giving into the temptation of zooming velocity. These tiny little one-man cars with an affinity for an out-of-control existence. So totally controlled in an uncontrollable manner, sometimes slipping a little, yet pulling together in the split of an instance, back on track and into the spirit of the race. It's a bit like life in breakneck speed. The energy pulls you in, carries you through the start and then with each round that tense anticipation of the straight run and then those risky curves thrown in to keep you sharp. It's really amazing. I love speed. It's an arousing stimulation that I could do with more of in my life.

I got a speeding ticket awhile back. But I wasn't going fast enough to give me that breath-altering thrill...darn, if I was going to get a fine I should have made it worthwhile...let that breeze cut into my face, the shaking of the steering wheel rouse my rebellious spirit, screaming whooshes of air passing through my ears...maybe it's time to head back to the German highways, let myself go, and become a racer with a real trophy and champagne (that would be my lifted spirit) rather than a 50 euro hole in my pocket.

America

I am contemplating my trip to America this summer. I am so excited to be heading "home", yet at the same time have so many reservations. What does America mean to me? What role does America have in my life? How can I be patriotic to two countries, two cultures, two languages, two homes? How can I portray the importance of America to my children? How can I pass on American traditions in just a short visit to this country in which we hold citizenship?

America , land of the free, home of the brave. That sounds so beautiful. I wish I could believe that the values of our America today were the same as when those words were formed. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't feel that America is living up to its standards. Living in Europe, I have become much more patriotic to my home country. I never realized how influential and great my land was until I moved away and had the chance to experience new lands. And I love many, many things about America, but I am also saddened at how many things I see wrong. Of course, this is true for every place, pros and cons have to be weighed, and an informed viewpoint made. America is a powerful nation. There are few places you can go that haven't experienced America in some form, on some level, whether it be in an instance of war, the famed Hollywood, Bill Clinton or George Bush (okay, there are good things that people notice as well...I'm being a bit unfair :-). I guess I see America as a bit of a Supermodel. Looking at her from afar, she looks like perfection. She offers so much space and many different climates, the mixing pot of people from all nations, opportunity to voice your opinion and live freely. Yet upon closer inspection, you see the flaws in the perfect make-up and perfect clothing, and there is naturally a bit of cellulite hidden under that perfect outlook. How are Americans able to live in a middle-class society? The powers keep raising the stakes, and the morals are sinking as the ladder is being climbed. In order to fall into that middle-class, you must work, and work hard. Your vacation days are few and your evenings late. Your insurance covers the bare minimums if you have insurance at all. Children can't play outside without fear of being kidnapped, raped, or murdered. Teen pregnancy and divorce are an everyday occurrence and considered the norm. Public education is deteriorating and homeschooling becoming more widely accepted. These are a few of those flaws that I notice much more clearly now that I take a closer look.

Still, I love America. I celebrate her birthday in big fashion every year. I teach my children the special dates and talk with them about Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. My children make pictures of the American flag and have heard what the starts and stripes mean (whether they someday remember is yet to be seen). They have visited much of the US and seen the Statue of Liberty. We made a special trip to Ground Zero to instill in them that American spirit. They have visited Lincoln Memorial. They know that America goes from sea to shining sea. They sing with me the Star Spangled Banner and recognize Uncle Sam. And they can find America on a map or globe. I feel that I am doing my job to create well-informed American citizens. I feel that they will someday make their own judgements about what a great land America is and be able to recognize that all supermodels have flaws, and that these flaws can be overcome, but that perfection is a rarity. I am also glad they have dual-citizenship with the options available from two different worlds. The flaws of one nation are not always held within the boundaries of another.

I am proud to be American. And I would never give up my American citizenship to claim the citizenship of another country. That would be revoking my spirit, taking away a piece of myself, the values and morals which have helped shape and form the woman that I am. However, I am willing to become a dual-citizen and take on the love of another nation, learn to bend a bit and accept the differences, claim the positives and hope to make changes in the negatives. I plan to become a Nederlander within the coming year. Yes, there is so much that I love about Holland. Yes, there is so much that I love about America. I'm so happy that I will soon once again set foot on "home"ground....and then be able to come "home" once again. After all, home is where the heart is, and my heart lives among two (or is that three) lands...